I owe GlobalVillage a parody thread. Here it is.

[TayTay]

I promised it about a month or so ago and I am tardy. So sorry. Sweetie, you keep reminding me what an idiot Santorum is and how he is quite posibly the dumbest man (or person) in the Senate. You are right and this one is for you.

Senator Santorum attacked the liberalism of the City of Boston and blamed the liberal culture of Boston for the child sex abuse scandal that engulfed the Catholic Church in 2002. (A scandal that started in Boston.) Santorum's remarks came up again ths year and instead of apologizing, he attacked Sens. Kerry and Kennedy for not doing something to end the scandal. (Like what? Send really stern LTTE to the Globe? I have no idea.)

Sen. Santorum thinks Massachusetts, and Boston in particular, are nasty places that help to nurture the evils of liberalism. Okay, what if he is right? (It helps if you know something about the Lovecraft world in reading this, but if not, think of every stereotype that Stephen King uses in making New England look creepy and old and weird. It'll do.)

[TayTay]

1. Boston, Liberal pols and how to spread evil

as seen by Sen. Rick Santorum: (It's a dream sequence or something, okay.)

The older, more bent Senator Kennedy arrived at the door of the library of Arkham State University first. While he waited for his younger colleague to arrive (late as usual) he thought about the last time he had been here and the ceremony he had participated in. It had been particularly difficult to get a virgin (this being Massachusetts and all) but he had managed to find one in Teaticket and cajolled her up to Arkham. The resulting election landslide had been worth it all that trouble.

The older Senator heard footsteps and looked up to see his younger colleague approaching. Kerry had a package in his big hands and an old, somewhat tattered black robe slung over his arm.

Ted: Hi John: Glad you could make it. Sorry for the short notice. But I think Santorum, the bastard, is on to us. We have to do something now. Did you bring the book.

JK: Yeah, yeah, I got it. I couldn't find the new robe though. I think I left it in DC at the office. I had to bring the old Skull and Bones one. Damn this thing brings up memories of when I was young and new to evil. Good times, Teddy, good times.

The two pols entered the library and quickly found the backroom and then passed through the secret door, slipped down secret stairway and entered the secret meeting room, inky black and slightly moldy smelling in the darkness. Teddy found the candle scones on the wall and got the four candles lit. The room was still a mass of creepy shadows.

Ted: We have no time to lose. Bring out the book.

Kerry opened the package he had and slid the copy of the Necronomicon onto the big flat altar in the middle of the room. He put the special gloves on and opened the book to the marked section.

JK: Geez, Teddy, thanks for lending this to me. I nearly pulled it off last year. One more virgin, one more Gay Marriage in Mass, just one more Church closure and I think I could have pulled it off. But thanks anyway.

Ted: It was Santorum. He knows. He's on to us about the Church scandal. He knows we caused it. He used his special Super-Catholic powers and his hotline to God to thwart us. And now he knows about our plan to defeat him next year and cause him to say stupid stuff on camera so the voters of PA will turn against him. We have to hurry.

JK: Okay, but this damn book is really hard to read. It's full of words with no vowels and it's hard to decipher. It reads like something George Allen would write in Committee. Gawd I wish he would sharpen his crayons, his stuff is hard enough to read. You know, maybe we went to far with that curse last year. Maybe we should un-curse him. He drives me nuts.

Ted: No. I told you, no mercy. You can't let up on these Saintly Republicans. They'll be all over you in a Neew York minute. That book has been in my family for a few generations now, so I know what I'm talking about. Do you have the section on Curses yet.

JK: Yeah, I got it. Okay, did you bring the chicken blood and the copy of his book. "It takes a Family" my butt. Quick, light the brazier so I can throw this in.

Just as Teddy is about to start the ceremony, the chamber is filled with a bright white light and the candles are whooshed out. A voice, a distinctive, PA but currently lving in Virgina voice calls out:

Ricky: Stop! Cease and desist! Cancel. Ahgm, abor... ah, cut it out already. I know what you're up to. And God has given me personal permission to stop you. I bless this place and you can't use it anymore. (Na na na na na.)

The light goes out and the two MA pols are left in the dark. They sigh in frustration and walk out.

JK: Damn that Santorum. He's so in with God. I hate that. What do you want to do now Teddy?

Ted: Ah, we can try again next week. You want pizza?

The two representatives of liberal Massachusetts trudge up the secret stairway, through the secret door, back through the secret room and out into the gloomy night. Thwarted, but undaunted. Evil never sleeps, it just takes cat naps now and then.

And so it goes.

[globalvillage]

3. Love it.

I will repay the kindness with my best Bulwer-Lytton attempt. In chapters, though. It's bedtime for GV. Second installment tomorrow.

:yourock:

[Noisy Democrat]

4. LMAO

That was inspired :)

[globalvillage]

2. OK, not as prolific, but I will post Chapter 1.

MR. SANTORUM GOES TO (GASP) MASSACHUSETTS

It was a dark and stormy night. Santorum the Evil, having been chased (or chaste in the alternate, family friendly version) by men on dogs



from the resplendently humid Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, was tending to the pitchfork marks on his backside.
Looking for comfort, he drove through the pitch dark night, his throbbing derriere beating time to the rhythm of the Backstreet Boys haunting melody on the radio. Aimlessly, he headed north.
North, to freedom!
Unable, FastPass notwithstanding, to travel the usual route through the blueness that is Philadelphia, both for reasons of hue and because of the "Brotherly Love" thing, the unemployed ex-senator traversed the formerly red midsection of the state, dabbing at his ass-welts with the yellowed pages of the Tribune Review editorial section that he kept close by for just such an occasion. God bless Richard Mellon Scaife!
Nearer and nearer the border, he could feel the exhilaration as he exited the province of his (technically legal) residence. His puny heart racing, as he closed in on his ultimate destination, with only the (gulp) great state of New York to traverse until he reached the Promised Land.

Massachusetts!

to be continued...

[globalvillage]

5. BTW, Tay Tay

I use the genre of bad serial short story, not as a reflection of your fabulously entertaining parody, but because of my own proclivity for flowery adjectives, sentence fragments, and a seriously short attention span. Just wanted to be clear.

Where was I?

Chapter TWO
GUARDING THE GATES OF THE BAY STATE

Mindless of, and undeterred by the daunting task of getting from PA to MA making only right turns, the sanctimonious Santorum plodded on, circling his way forward.
As he approached the western border of the fair progressive haven, the air was thick with liberalism. Disgusted and lost, yet driven, he clutched at a recently consecrated bottle of Aqua Fina, took a long, refreshing draw of it’s holy goodness, and searched out the nearest heathen for directions.
After passing the third women’s clinic and countless Dunkin Donuts, he happened upon a man of the cloth. Cotton, I think. Possibly a poly blend.




“Greetings”, the former legislator began. “Would you be so kind as to tell me how to get to the pedophilia capitol of the world?” “Thank you for the sign, by the way, but my wounds are healing, by the grace of God, and I promise not to touch them.”

"You must go left, you slimy bastard." proclaimed the wise man.

"But I can not go le..le..le..un-right." protested the weary traveler. "Nor can I say the word. I will continue to search for a path to the land of the unholy."

"Thank you for your time, though, and here's a copy of my book, which can now be acquired at your local dollar store in the two-for-one bin." As he handed the volume through the car window, it immediately disintegrated upon contact with the fresh Massachusetts air.


Damn, I am late for work. The denouement, though, is thankfully near, and I will finish the story tonight.

Tonight:
Chapter 3. Rick Reveals his Sinister Plan for Massachusetts

[TayTay]

6. GV: This is brilliant

Just brilliant. I love it and can't wait for the chapters to come.

We shoudl collaborate on a story: Inner Santorum: Or What is the Plural of Apocalypse Anyway?

[TayTay]

7. Are you posting another chapter today

This is great stuff.

[globalvillage]

8. OK, but then I have to get back to work.

CHAPTER THREE
RICK REVEALS HIS SINISTER PLAN FOR MASSACHUSETTS

He quickly closed the window tight against the feel of the wind wafting across his immovable Republican hair, and through the equally immovable and vacuous space between his ears.
Closer, in his circuitous path, to his ultimate goal, he noticed, to his immense displeasure, stunning quantities of "Kerry for President" bumper stickers, and an alarming number of women, young and old, on public display no less, in all manner of provocative clothing, including PANTS, armed with briefcases and textbooks. Horrified, he averted his gaze from their hideous liberalness.




"What is this place, this 'Massachusetts'," he wondered aloud, "to allow this level of depravity?" "Could all this be rooted in that special brand of priestly love begotten wholly by the pedophile enablers of New England?"
"Yes," he concluded, still aloud for some inexplicable reason, offering no rationale for his beliefs.
He clutched the cruciform spokes of the steering wheel for protection and plowed onward.

As he neared his ultimate destination, he donned the garb of his new found profession, His senate days behind him, he preferred not to think of the ugly, yet strangely unifying 99-1 senate vote. He had moved on.




EPILOGUE

“Team Member” Santorum was recently bestowed “Greeter of the Year” honors at the Lynn, MA Wal-Mart, and is working his way up the ladder to the coveted assistant manager position.

“Future Assistant Manager” Rick supplements his minimum wage earnings, recently raised thanks to the first action of the newly elected Democratic congress, with interest on payments still garnered from the Penn Hills School District/State of Pennsylvania Home school program.

“Greeter Rick” recently changed his name to preserve his anonymity, and henceforth is know to one and all as Dick Santorum. He changed his political affiliation to Democrat, and has joined Democratic Underground using the screen name “hugh!!11!!1!dick”.


Ladies, please welcome your newest Masshole.

[globalvillage]

9. I was considering starting a story and letting you all finish.

Let's do it!!!

[TayTay]

10. Okay, I love the story.

We are very tolerant in the Bay State. We would enroll Dick Santorum in the Kennedy School for the Politically Insane. He would take some nice slow courses in Tolerance, Herstory and History of Theocracy 101 (Complete with a trip to Salem for the Theocracy's Greatest Hits Tour, slide show and tasteful giftshop/bookstore display. There must be one over there somewhere.)

We would watch him carefully and, as a test of his new found skills, allow him to watch a Gay Marriage ceremony. (Slowly, slowly, we don't try to challenge the converts too much at first.)


Let's collaborate or do a joint story. Topics, dearie, topics!

I only do essentially meaningless and silly parodies. (I am derivative by nature.) So all my topics are set-ups.

Liberals Eat Their Young: How to create meaningless arguments with people you agree with on the issues
Liberal Whiners: Plague, Curse or Just Terminally Dyspeptic
Dear Sir, You Suck: What NOT to say in a letter to a US Senator
Never Give Up, Never Surrender: How to never let Go of the Primaries

Your turn for suggest topics!

[globalvillage]

11. I pick #3.

Dear Sir, You Suck. But they're all great.

I'm into biographical sketches, though. Here are a few.

Virginia is for Loafers-George Allen's Aversion to Independent Thought
The Douche Daily-George Allen's Heathcare Newsletter
Not So Great Expectations-The Unauthorized Biography of George Allen (a real parody prospect)
Go to Zell! - A RW Dem's Guide to Government
Norm Coleman's Guide to Dental Hygene and Poufy Hairdos

On edit. I often get inspiration from photos. Let me google some.