Dubya's Hurricane Diary!

[Muffstser]

Too dang hilarious not to share...


Dear Di'ry:

Aug. 25 -- A hurricane hit Florida today. Jeb's OK, so no need to worry.
CNN says the storm's heading for New Orleans. Somebody should do
something about that.

Aug. 26 -- I didn't do nothin' much today. Still kicking back on the
ranch in Texas.

Aug. 27 -- Nothin' much.

Aug. 28 -- Nothin' much.

Aug. 29 -- Nothin' much. Played golf in California. Kind of windy out.

Aug. 30 -- Brought hope, freedom, carnage to Iraq.

Aug. 31 -- Brought resolve, eternal vigilance, pizza to White House, but
nobody's here. Condi Rice is shoe-shopping in New York. Dick Cheney's
still fly-fishing in Wyoming, says he's got a trout rod with
"first-strike capability."

Sept. 1 -- Was told that tens of thousands of starving, thirsty, sick,
frightened people are stranded in New Orleans, so I responded by
declaring "zero tolerance" for looting. Gotta be firm.

Sept. 2 -- Visited Gulf Coast for photo op with white people flown in
for occasion. A little boy told me he was hungry, so I told him
"democracy will flourish." He told me he was still hungry, so I said
"courage will triumph over evil." He was still hungry so I called in the
National Guard to drive around with automatic weapons.

Sept. 3 -- Learned the only part of New Orleans not under water is the
French Quarter. Was shocked. Immediately ordered name changed to Freedom
Quarter.

Sept. 6 -- Been accused of being slow to react to Katrina, so I
scheduled another photo op with some pro athletes. OK, says Dick, but no
baseball pitchers. How come, I ask. "They might have first-strike
capability," he replies. That Cheney, he cracks me up. Except he wasn't
smiling.

Sept. 8 -- Saw a phone-in poll on television today. It said "Press one
if you think President Bush's slow response proves he is racist. Press
two if you think he's merely incompetent." This was outrageous! I phoned
172 times and "incompetent" still only won by 35 votes!

Sept. 9 -- Still catching flak for that slow-to-react thing, so I'm
determined to show America I can move decisively. First decisive act:
awarding reconstruction contracts to the Shaw Group, Halliburton
subsidiary Kellogg & Root and other companies with ties to the White House.

Sept. 10 -- Amusing moment at an environmental briefing in the Oval
Office this morning. Some hippie from the EPA told us most of the fish
in the New Orleans Aquarium of the Americas had died.

"Fish?" I asked, with a straight face. "Were there bass?"

"Yes, Mr. President," he replied.

"Well," I said, "looks like we finally found those weapons of bass
destruction."

Gosh, we had a good laugh over that one.

The hippie didn't smile, so Dick shot him.

Sept. 12 -- Awkward moment with the Canadian prime minister, Paul
Marvin, today. He calls up to offer his condolences, but it's hard to
hear because Rumsfeld's leaning out the window taking potshots at
protesters, so I think Marvin's offering us "Condoleeza." I figure he's
kidnapped her, so ask OK, what do you want in return. How about that $6
billion in softwood-lumber money you stoled, he replies. Sure, I said,
come to Baghdad and get it, you freaking pinko peacenik medical
marijuana-toking quasi-frog.

Then, real serious-like, the smart-ass offers to send a Canadian
icebreaker to do relief work on the Gulf Coast. An icebreaker! So I says
yeah and how about two Eskimos and an igloo while you're at it? Jeez,
I'd like to bomb the snot out of Canadia, stick a couple of cruise
missiles right down its gay-marriage chapel. If only we didn't have to
cross Mexican air space to do it.

Sept. 13 -- Problem one: The New Orleans Saints have nowhere to play
football. Problem two: America has an image problem in Iraq. The
solution came to me last night in a blinding flash: "Laura," I said "the
only Americans the Iraqi people know are violent men in helmets and body
armour. Let's send them football players instead." I can hardly wait to
tell Condi.

Sept. 9 -- Condi wasn't as keen as I expected. First she said good idea,
boss, but Baghdad Stadium isn't secure. Then she muttered something
about the worst blinding flash since they shut down Los Alamos.

Sept. 12 -- Jeez, nothing's going right. Another photo op went sideways
today. Me and Oprah took an orphan bowling, but Dick Cheney shot him
right in front of the cameras, said we couldn't risk letting him have
first-strike capability.

Sept. 13 -- Mea culpa. Mea sorry. I take full responsibility for the
slow response Down South. Of course, if they had called it hurricane Osama...

[CC]

1. That's great

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