ANWR News: Republican Unveils Elk That Lives Off Of Crude Oil...

[politicaholic]

April 27, 2006
Tundra Today News Pamphlet
Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge - Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK); voted to the senate 37 years ago under the slogan "I'm willing to wear a tie", has been a vocal proponent of opening ANWR to corporate oil drilling much to the chagrin of the Sierra Club and others of the fringe "cat owning" sect.

The opening of ANWR was a major issue for the Bush administration, along with Social Security Reform, and "Making Lies Truth" legislation. All but the later have been blocked by Senate Democrats up to this point. Now gas prices are topping three Jumbo Jacks per gallon and analysts predicting that the prices could go as high as, "a three pack of condoms and a single cigarette for after" as early as summer. This has given the ANWR debate new steam and environmentalists the biggest reason to spew their soy milk since Three Mile Island.

But today, environmentalists are reeling from a major blow when Sen. Ted Stevens gave a press conference and as he walked out to the podium he had a rather small, thin, and oily elk on a leash with him. "Ladies and gentlemen, we at the 'You Wouldn't Think We'd Be Republican Up Here In Alaska But...Feh...What-cha-gonna-do' committee are proud to announce a major breakthrough in earth-raping. This cute oily little critter is aptly named 'Healthy' and he lives only on crude oil and naturally occurring substances (garbage). This is clear evidence that the animals CAN adapt to environmental adversity and even thrive. Notice that Healthy is smaller than other elks. That means he's faster and thus can better out run predators."

By the end of the press conference the members of the media that were still sober raved about Healthy calling it, "Yummy if you put enough ketchup on it" and calling upon senate democrats to, "stop being greedy and start meeting with the oil lobby".

Alaska residents agree. George Simmons, roadside driftwood art seller from Fairbanks said, "That one cent a gallon I save will really help me get that candy bar I've had my eye on." A sentiment that has been echoed by many Americans.

[Blue_In_AK]

1. Too funny...

...but of course, there are no elk in ANWR. He should have brought in an oily caribou.

[politicaholic]

2. Yeah...I couldn't fit caibou in the subject line...

and I thought to myself, "there must be a random adventurous elk somewhere in Canada."

There probably isn't.

[Blue_In_AK]

3. However, there ARE elk down around Kodiak, apparently,

I found some bow-hunting guides advertising Alaskan elk hunts on the internet, but that's quite a ways south from ANWR. But your little satire piece there had me laughing anyway.