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Things have changed. Really, really changed. My father was a lifelong Republican, but he shed tears when Kennedy was killed and he wasn’t wild about Ronald Reagan. It wasn’t all or nothing back then. He played golf with the Democrat mayor of Tallahassee. He served communion at church to the Republican Governor. He liked and respected them both.
Today it isn’t just politics. You don’t just disagree with someone’s positions anymore. Those days are over. Today you go out into the world and immediately size up someone according to the way you predict they might have voted. Trophy wife? (i.e. attractive blonde with a tan and jewelry…nevermind she might be a doctor or attorney in her own right) Sneer at her. Probably a right winger. Pony tail? Birkenstocks? Freaking un-American moonbat. And depending on your own persuasion you are supposed to immediately despise them. Fuktards. Asshats. And if you can, get in a few digs so you can go back to your political message board and entertain everyone with how you “got the freeper” or “set the moonbat straight.”
If you are on the left, you celebrate diversity. If said diverse person, however, does not fit into your political box, you are within your rights to pull out the old chestnuts: Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Uncle Tom, Big-lipped ass kisser. If the person’s only weak claim to diverse status is their gender, then they are whores, c*nts, and they spread their legs for “The Man.” Because diversity has to stay on the straight Democratic track in order to be valid. Racial profiling is taboo on the left. But if two Right Wing public figures are obese white men, then the personification of all things evil is pasty white skin and a big white butt. The left would never refer to an African American by any sort of epithet that included their color, but redneck the favored description for anyone from the much maligned “red states.” And it’s okay, because you know, it’s just a joke really.
On the right, however, it is not necessary to put that fine a point on it. Nuance is, after all, for the French and John Kerry. The usual racial epithets are still quite useful when describing the rabble in the Superdome, now known as Dante’s final level of Hell. And three centuries of unique culture that gave us our most unique American music can be glossed over with officious discussion of whether or not New Orleans is worth rebuilding.
But everyone loves gay folks. The left loves them so much that they find them hiding everywhere. Five minutes on a stage with a wife and kids in pastel colors, and gaydar beeps off the screen all over Leftland. But then, there’s nothing wrong with THAT, right?
And of course, the right love gay folks so much they want to enfold them into the loving congregation where they can spend the rest of their lives banging their heads against the brick walls of the church trying to get the “dirty” images out of their minds.
And the transgendered? Fair game, man, for all! Ann the Mann Coulter. Of course we hate her! She has an adam’s apple! Don’t stop just at criticizing her views, her delivery. Criticize her because she looks like a transvestite. Now that’s something everybody can agree on! It warms my heart when we find commonality.
Religion is unique. We have so much more in common than we admit. Everyone is a victim! The atheists are victimized by the believers who attempt to define them; the believers are victimized by the non-believers, some of whom use words like “religiously insane.” War on Christians, war on atheists. War. War. War.
On the right, it’s much more clear cut. If you don’t accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, you are going to hell. And that’s worse than the Superdome. Maybe. On the left, it is a bit more subtle. I don’t believe you really are allowed to go to the dance (or the protest) with the cool kids if you profess a belief in anything you can’t classify, categorize, measure, and replicate. The left is, after all, the reality-based community. Except for that little astrology thing.
Now let’s move onto values. The right likes to talk about family values. This, we assume means no cross dressing, eating dinner at 6 and all abortions are murder and immoral except mine. Men whose wives work have little weenies, and women who want to work are lacking in natural maternal instinct and probably dykes like that Hilary Clinton. It doesn’t matter if you are on your third divorce and have a ten page rap sheet for spousal abuse, Jesus has forgiven you and so should we.
On the left we have liberal values. Women go out to work even if they would rather be home to raise the kids because after all, their mothers burned their bras to give them the opportunity and God damn it you are going to have it ALL!. Liberal values are all about the common good. Screw the family. The common good says strap your kids in a tin roller skate and take your chances missing high school boys in their souped-up 10-foot high pick-up trucks because to actually drive a large vehicle is just..well, not liberal. You had better not be seen in the WalMart parking lot, either, unless it is getting signatures for a petition. If you get three grand in student loans a year and 200 a month in food stamps, you should still pay 12 bucks for your coffee at the co-op, never mind the roach dirt and the fact that it is $6 at “The Wal.” The common good, Dude. The common good.
But on the right, have at it. Party on, because Dad will be coming to pick us up soon and the last ones here can clean up the mess.
It is interesting that both the right and the left accuse each other of the same things. The right is terrified that the secular left will go totalitarian on them and make it illegal to worship their god. The left looks at every governmental action as the latest proof that fascism has arrived. The death camps are being built, readied for those who don’t use deodorant. Both sides accuse the other of regression. The right assumes that everyone left of center yearns for anarchy, revolution and communal living and co-ops instead of corps. The left believe that the right is trying to pull everything back to 1950 where women are barefoot, pregnant and down on the farm.
Both use hyperbole to demonize their nemeses. Clinton was a perverted sex addict who groped and murdered his way into the White House. Bush is not just a president we disagree with, he is the reincarnation of Hitler.
And both sides want to scare us. The right shouts Terror! Bird flu! While the left screams Climate Collapse and Death Camps!
It’s ugly out there. And confusing. I’m getting to where I can’t figure out where “we” leave off and “they” begin. We have a lot in common, on the left and the right. And unfortunately the one thing we seem to have the most of is hate.
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