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Picture 104 acres of state of the art technology, safely walled off from the urban areas around it with the best security in the world. Bigger than the Vatican, it's rumored that you can see it from space if you know where to look. The ultimate tourist trap, it includes chain restaurants (including a McDonald's), a movie theater, tennis courts, a gym, the biggest swimming pool in the nation, and other amenities.
No, it's not Disneyland, but it does have a "palace" at its heart. While Anaheim's theme park boasts Sleeping Beauty's Castle, the central feature of this new and larger theme park is known to the disgusted residents of the City this monstrosity is taking over square foot by square foot as "George W.'s Palace."
Its official name is the U.S. Embassy in Iraq. I prefer to call it George Bush's Magic Kingdom. Welcome, kids of all ages, to the unhappiest place on Earth!
Constructed over a period of two years at a cost of over Half a Billion Dollars, George Bush's Magic Kingdom will serve as an All-American enclave in the heart of conquered Baghdad, and an oasis for loyal American contractors and other VIP's.
Three years after VI&IGTWMBS&C Day (Victory In Iraq And I Get To Wear My Bunny Suit And Codpiece Day, as secret White House leakers imply Bush refers to it), Baghdad authorities have trouble keeping the power on for more than a few hours a day, and cannot keep purified water running consistently through the city's pipes. That's why George Bush's Magic Kingdom has its own power plant and water treatment facility! No longer will our contractors and bureaucrats have to deal with the inconveniences created by an infrastructure we destroyed three years ago and have yet to make any progress in restoring.
The exact layout of the park and list of attractions is supposed to be secret until its opening next Summer, but it's not hard to imagine the kind of wholesome family attractions destined for George Bush's Magic Kingdom. Here are a few of my favorites.
The Abu-Ghraib Tower Of Terror! Experience first hand the state of the art techniques used by our loyal troops, under the careful eyes of Halliburton-employed supervisors. Ride the waterboarding slide! Thrill to "It's A Dog's Life." Play everyone's favorite game show, "Who Wants Electrodes Wired Up To Their Testicles!" Be careful not to give the wrong answers to the questions they ask, however, or you might get menstrual blood splashed on your face. Hilarious fun for adults and kids alike!
Mission: Iran! Thrill to this amazing simulation (or is it?) of an amazing incursion into yet another oil-rich Middle Eastern nation! Fly a B2 Stealth Bomber at supersonic speeds over cities and nuclear facilities before deploying your payload and witness the most beautiful sight on God's earth: the Divine Strake of a mushroom cloud. Plus, unlike Disney's wimpy little "Space" ride, NO ONE is going to die on this attraction! Seriously! That's what we're telling Congress and we're sticking to it.
Joe Arpaio's Illegal Alien Encounter! Feeling homesick for the States? Join us for this amazing recreation of the New Southwest! Ride the border with Sheriff Joe and the Minutemen. But keep an eye out for ambushes! Remember, you only get points for shooting the brown people, so aim carefully.
Camp Kellogg Brown and Root! Drop the kids here for some safe keeping and friendly fun while you enjoy the more mature attractions. They'll be fed the same quality food-like products and nearly bacteria free water we give Our Troops at discount prices! (MRE's: $35.00, Water $10.00 a quart.)
There's so much to see, so book your flights now. George W. Bush's Magic Kingdom, paid for by your tax dollars and guaranteed constructed with absolutely zero Iraqi labor, opening June, 2007. Plus, look forward to Bushland Tehran, opening in Summer 2009, and EuroBush, opening Summer 2012, if we can get that pesky 22nd Amendment repealed.
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