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Edited on Sat May-20-06 11:39 AM by BerryBush
1. "You're Having My Baby." When they call Paul Anka "prolific," do they mean that in more ways than one? Incidentally, this song was chosen as the Number One Worst Song of All Time in a recent CNN poll. But bad as it is, it's really only about TWO people and ONE woman's personal decision not to have an abortion. It's not necessarily speaking for everyone the way that old lost Seals & Crofts "Unborn Child" song does. As for the Sex Pistols song cited, well, forgive me but it's hard for me to think of any group including Sid Vicious as pro-life right about now.
2. "Revolution." They completely misunderstood this one. While it does denounce revolting just for revolting's sake--which apparently John Lennon thought some lefties were doing--it hardly advocates conservatism. It should also be noted that its author changed his mind considerably about the value of revolution during his own lifetime.
3. "Back in the U.S.A." Uh, so because this is a "patriotic" song, that automatically makes it a "conservative" song? Loving your country makes you a conservative by definition? Don't get me started.
4. "It's a Man's Man's Man's World." Well, yeah, I guess this is "conservative" in that it completely fails to recognize anything women have accomplished and glorifies the fact that "Man made the bullet for the war." Goody goody.
5. "The Three Bells." Uh, if this song is French, how can it POSSIBLY be of any good to conservatives? Don't those French realized we saved their stinking asses in Dubya Dubya Two, The Big One? Trying to make themselves sound like brave people who give up their sons to war. Hmph! The nerve of those arrogant bastards!
6. "God, Country and My Baby." Yeah, OK. But for a nice contrast to this one--a tale of how going off to war for God, country and my baby doesn't always pay off--try B.J. Thomas's "Billy and Sue."
7. "Turn! Turn! Turn!" The fact that this song, written by one of the great lefty songwriters, is being hailed as a "conservative" song is only proof positive that the righties think they have a right to co-opt God, the Bible and anything that has to do with them as MINE, MINE, MINE, you can't have it!
8. "Amazing Grace." Same principle. Everyone knows you can't possibly believe in God's salvation and be a LIBERAL. Don't they???
9. "In America." An embarrassing flag-waving period piece from the time when the Soviets were in Afghanistan. They can have it.
10. "America" by Neil Diamond. Hmm. Let's see, this song is about immigrants coming to America to find a new home. So that automatically makes it conservative? Because it's patriotic, right--and all patriotic songs are conservative by definition? Umm, all I have to say is, them immigrants better be LEGAL--otherwise we're throwin' 'em all out on their asses! 'Cause that's the conservative way!
11. "Jesus Is Just Alright." Yep, if the conservatives can co-opt God and the Bible, of course they can co-opt Jesus. Jesus was a Republican, as we all know. Sure.
12. "I Don't Know How to Love Him." Hey, wait, you guys. This is a song supposedly being sung by Mary Magdalene about Jesus, and as the author of this article even admitted, it borders on the erotic. DA VINCI CODE ALERT! DA VINCI CODE ALERT!! We can't have none of that implication in there that some WOMAN might have loved Jesus as a MAN! Ohhh, noooooo!!!! How can anyone think this is a "conservative" song?
13. "West of the Wall." Never heard of this one, so have to take his word on the theme. But "West of the Wall, that soon will fall" is hardly what one would call "prescient." From 1962 to 1989 is not "soon." And what exactly is it that makes this song "conservative"? The fact that it is anti-communist and pro-freedom? Oh, yeah, sure. We all know only conservatives are opposed to communism and only conservatives love freedom!
14. "God Bless America." Again, I guess this is because any and all patriotic songs, and all songs featuring God, are by definition conservative. Yeah, sure. (sigh)
15. "I Fought the Law." This one made the chart because of its "strong law and order message." Oh, of course. Everyone knows that liberals are all in favor of guys robbing people with a sixgun.
16. "Day By Day." Again, the conservatives co-opt God.
17. "God Bless the USA." I'll give them this one. It's so mindless that to me it well characterizes some conservatives, anyway. Also, gotta love the murdering of the language. "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free"? I thought we wanted all our kids to speak English?
18. "My Sweet Lord." The author of the article says "being deeply religious makes the song per se conservative." Shh. Don't tell the Wiccans.
19. "Oh Happy Day." Again, I guess Jesus belongs to the conservatives.
20. "Battle of New Orleans." Again, I guess patriotism belongs to the conservatives.
21. "The Star-Spangled Banner." Ditto.
22. "Wings of a Dove." Reread 16.
23. "Amen." Ditto.
24. "Only in America." Jeez, it always seemed to me that this "anyone can get ahead here" song was a little tongue-in-cheek to me. Then again, I prefer Leonard Bernstein's "(I Like to Be in) America," which was a little more cynical.
25. "Philadelphia Freedom." The author of the article claims the song was not written, as some claim, as a tribute to Billie Jean King and her tennis team, but if so, why is it that I recall one of my sisters having a copy of the 45 that explicitly stated that right on the label? Anyway, I have to laugh when the author claims he's naming this song to his list DESPITE Elton John's being gay.
26. "M.T.A." This one is included because it is one of a group of "anti-tax" songs. Oh, please.
27. "Sunny Afternoon." Ditto.
28. "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." Reread 16.
29. "Sweet Home Alabama." They can have that one, too. But I think the author misunderstood the lyrics a tad. While he gets it right when he says that it was a pro-George Wallace song, how does the line "Watergate does not bother me" make it a "conservative classic"? The contrast between Wallace and Nixon was not exactly conservative vs. liberal. Nixon was hardly what anyone would call a liberal, and Watergate was hardly what anyone would call a scandal liberals should be ashamed about being responsible for. All this song is saying in its pro-Wallace, anti-Nixon lyrics is "Southerners may have voted for a racist president in 1968, but at least they didn't vote for a crook." Big whoop.
30. "Papa Don't Preach." Hmm. Are the friends who are telling Madonna to "give it up" necessarily encouraging her to get an abortion? Maybe they're just suggesting she have her baby adopted? How does that make this song automatically "pro-life"?
31. "Battle Hymn of the Republic." Yeah, let's take another patriotic song about God and co-opt it. Even though so many people associate it with JFK, RFK and MLK. Sure!
32. "Put Your Hand in the Hand." Reread 19.
33. "Crying in the Chapel." 16, 19, lather, rinse, repeat.
34. "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town." OK, so poor fella gets injured in 'Nam, loses the use of his lower body, and now has to tolerate an unfaithful wife flaunting her tomkittening ways in front of him. Tell me again how this makes this song "conservative." Is it because he expresses a desire to shoot her dead?
35. "The Ballad of the Green Berets." I'll give them this one. Yuk.
36. "Wishin' and Hopin'." Same thing here. They can have all blatantly sexist ballads that advocate women doing only what men want them to do. Where's Tom Jones's "She's a Lady," for heavens' sakes? Or that awful song "Girl Talk" that characterizes women as hopeless gossipy chatterboxes but we love 'em anyway, don't we, fellas?
37. "Love Child." So, now, any song in which a woman expresses abstinence as her personal choice of birth control is automatically conservative? Oh, and especially so because she's BLACK. You know how it is when those people get to overbreedin'.
38. "Ball of Confusion." This one made the list merely because of the line "Politicians say mo' taxes will solve everything"? What about these lines: "People moving out, people moving in. Why? Because of the color of their skin," and "People all over the world are shouting, 'End the war'"? Do we just ignore those?
39. "Where the Stars and the Stripes and the Eagle Fly." Never heard of this alleged hit, but it sounds like a patriotic flag-waver designed to capitalize on 9/11. If so, they can have it.
40. "Stand By Your Man." Reread 36.
Man, what a pathetic list. And the fact that he even considered adding "Summertime Blues" (which implies that politicians only care about people who can vote for them), "Wake Up Little Susie" (so a song about two teens being afraid that their friends will gossip about them being out all night is conservative?), "Spirit in the Sky" (again, the 16 rule), and anything else that is either patriotic, pro-fatherhood or has to do with the military says a lot.
But best of all is that little shot that Al Wilson's "The Snake" "explains liberalism." Ah...This one tells the fable of a cold, hungry, dying snake that pleads with a woman to take him in and feed him. Being tenderhearted and thinking the snake is rather pretty, she takes him in, warms him, and feeds him--only to receive a fatal bite from him. When she asks him, dying, how he could do this to her after what she did for him, he says "You knew I was a snake before you took me in."
So there you have it, folks. That's his view of liberals--they beg for you to give people things they haven't earned--people who will then repay you by biting you in the butt. Of course, you do realize he wasn't speaking of corporate welfare there. Right?
Well, enough of that. I've gone on enough miles. What's left to say but...how lame.
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