Confessions of an addict.

[demgurl]

I am an addict. There, I have said it. For the most part I hide my dirty little secret and I feel I have had it under control for quite a while now but I was broadsided by someone when I went to lunch today and I have been shaken ever since. I know her secret and she does not even realize I know. The only reason I know is because there are times in my life when I would have felt a close kinship to this woman.

Beating an addiction seems relatively simple. If you smoke then you quite your cigarette habit. Do you drink and drive? You have a problem and should give up your alcohol. Do you depend on drugs to take away the problems of the real world? We have rehab for that and you go through a process to give up the drugs. Got an addiction? Give up your vice and you will have beaten it. Simple, right?

Some things are so much more complicated than they seem. That brings me back to my bathroom stall story. The restroom was empty when I entered. I felt safe taking the handicap stall. I am a bigger person and some stalls appear too small. A few minutes later someone made their way into the room and tried to open my stall. Finding my door locked, they apologized and went into the stall across from mine. I usually do not pay attention to others in the bathroom but for some reason I paid attention to this woman. I noticed she was taking a rather long time (guess that means I was as well?). I looked through the slit in my door to the floor in her stall. Was that her sandals? Was she facing the toilet? For a split second I thought of how men use the bathroom and panic struck that I was in the wrong room. My intellectual side kicked in and I realized I had checked the door before I entered. I watched as she turned around to use the stall properly.

I sat and wondered about this other person. Could it be? Could she be an addict? All the signs were there - all the things I used to do. It all fit nicely together, too nicely. When I used to throw up I would head for the big stall so I could have room to crouch around the toilet. The handicap stall was taken? Go in another one to wait so you are not so obvious. If they take too long then go with what you have. Oh! The most important thing is camouflage! You learn how to throw up to disguise the retching sound. You can learn to make it sound as if you are just normally going to the bathroom. You learn what it does to your teeth and if you are home you immediately go to brush your teeth. Yes, there is an art to binging and purging and I knew this woman had it down when I saw her feet turn around once more and I could hear her vomiting into the toilet.

I was frozen and not sure what to do. It has been a couple of years since I have thrown up and I know I would not have listened to a stranger in a restaurant. I have seen pictures of emaciated people but was not ready for what I saw when I left my stall. I could make out every bone in her arm! Her waist was so tiny and she looked so frail. I thought maybe I should tip off friends at her table but I soon found out she was sitting by herself. People in this state are very much in denial. I struggled over whether I was taking the easy way out by not saying anything - even giving her my email in case she ever wanted to talk. I was saddened as she went back to the buffet and heaped on another pile of food.

If you are addicted you just give up your vice, right? What if you are addicted to food? If you want to live you can never give up food. With any other addiction you can avoid what haunts you most and you will be safe. With food you just can not get away from your addiction - ever! (not until the day you die)

If you have never lived with a food addiction then you just do not know the struggles people go through. It is not just a matter of not being able to control yourself. One of my best friends once confided that after dinner she would send the kids outside and then she would eat every single scrap off of their plates. Another friend confessed throwing food away, to try and fight the addiction, and going back through the garbage an hour or two later when she could no longer fight it. I was once on a diet and I would make a grip of steel on my wheel every time I would pass a fast food restaurant.

I have had those times when I would binge and purge. I have had times when I went to the extremes with exercise. I have gone to the hospital because I am throwing up blood from damage of purging too much. Then there are times I have just binged.

There are all sorts of theories about reasons people go to these extremes, however, I have never heard the term 'addiction to food' used except from others who are struggling themselves. I have done this for as long as I can remember but in my teens it was just to keep my weight under control. In my teens I may have thrown up a total of possibly 25 times. I believe I now do it because of long after effects of my rape. I have talked to others who have had the same problem after a rape. Whatever the reason, this is me and I am not ready to just blame a bad childhood or a trauma that happened.

So what do you do when you are faced with your demons in the stall directly across from you? Some interactions (was that an interaction?) are like ghosts that stay with you and haunt you to your core. I wanted to reach out to this woman today but did not know how. All I knew was the denial most addicts feel. She could never give up food but could she give up purging? Would she die before she ever did? When this 75 lb., 47 year old lady looked in the mirror, does she see the fat lady from a circus?

I would never envy someone who is an addict. I know people who have been to rehab and I know the struggle they have gone through. I do wish that I had an addiction of a substance which I do not have to digest daily. Just ask anyone who has been addicted to alcohol or drugs and they will tell you they stay far away from their vices. It is much easier to deal with that addiction when you do not have to fight it everyday and consume the substance everyday.

How do you deal with a lost soul when you are one of them yourselves? How do you help another when you can not help yourself?

[SteppingRazor]

1. Um, one small point...

while I deeply sympathize with your plight and respect your recovery, this "If you are addicted you just give up your vice, right?" is pure crapola. If it was that easy, there wouldn't be addicts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm heading out to my car, where I'll have a cigarette on the ride home, put away a six-pack once I get there, and then debate further chemical enhancement for the evening. :hi:

[Asgaya Dihi]

3. There's a good point there.

Some get addicted and quit, some can't. Seems that some people are just prone to addiction and if it isn't one thing it'll be another. LEAP has a video out and one thing in it that struck me was that from the early 1900's through the present day the number of addicted in the nation has remained constant in spite of our every effort and law.

The idea of education and regulation to help avoid people having problems in the first place is a solid one, but with some it seems kinder to allow them their habit and make sure it's as controlled and safe as possible. What's our other option? Prison? Not because they've committed a crime against another, but because they have an addictive disorder? Hardly seems fair or humane to me.

[Child_Of_Isis]

5. A point I would like to make concerning addictions...

Hell, I have had most all of them at one time or another. So I am coming from my point of view and experiences only. Just because one is able to give up the vice, it still has a tendency to rule your life.

An alcoholic does best avoiding bars. A carb addict usually shies from the sugar laden isles at the supermarket. A junkie avoids their old junkie friends and hangouts like the plague. A person who is quitting nicotine has to avoid certain triggers.

My point is, an addict spends life in "avoidance" mode.

[mrcheerful]

9. Maybe at first you do the avoid the trigger thing, but remember recovery

is about living life on lifes terms and you can't live life avoiding life. There will be times in your life where you will have to deal with those things you avoid. Say your driving down the road your car breaks down, its 1am and the only thing around is a bar, do you go in and make a phone call or sit in your car and hope a cop comes along soon? Or how about the drug area you used to hang around in? You have a killer tooth ache and the only dentist you can afford office is in the drug area, again what do you do?

There comes a point in your life where you have to deal with these things. So you either deal with them or you run away some more, as any addict or alkie can tell you, using is running away from things you don't want to face.

edited to put office in place of lives lol

[Asgaya Dihi]

34. Agreed 100%

How is an addict going to better learn to deal with things? By putting them in prison, giving them a record and new bad habits, then releasing them with roadblocks in the way and a record? Or would they be better served on a humane maintenance program served by medical professionals who can guide them and talk them into treatment?

I'm aware of the dangers of drugs, heroin is cheaper now than it's ever been and more pure. Death rates for that and coke have done nothing but climb. It's not that use is ok that I'm working toward, it's that what we're doing doesn't work and we've got trial programs with better ways showing good results.
http://www.dpft.org/heroin.htm

[demgurl]

12. I am not sure if it is not one thing it is another.

I have been a drinker and I have experimented a little with drugs. I have turned down cocaine and other assorted hard drugs. I am now very much anti-drug and I may drink a small bit of wine possibly twice a month. I had a very bad car accident years ago and when I read my prescription was addictive I only used it when I was in extreme pain. I was in enough pain it would have been easy to be addicted and I must admit that I self medicated with alcohol maybe a few times a month - just as not to get addicted to the pain killers. I have never been addicted to anything but food. Maybe it is different for others but that is the way I am.

[Asgaya Dihi]

14. I think you misunderstood me

I didn't say that applied to everyone who ever had a problem, just that it seems to with a consistent number of people over the years. Our habits have changed some but not so much the problems themselves.

You'd have to watch the video maybe to understand, it's 12 minutes long and cops talking about the drug war. Part way in Jack talks about the stats on it.

http://leap.cc/audiovideo/LEAPpromo.htm

[demgurl]

19. I hope you did not take that as an attack.

I do not remember ever attacking anyone on this board and what I said was an explanation of my own circumstances. I understand where you are coming from and you are being helpful.I will go and watch that video. Thank for posting that link and thanks for posting.

[Asgaya Dihi]

28. No, I didn't

I just wanted to make sure you understood what I meant. The drug war is an issue I'm fairly interested in and I didn't want to be unclear :toast:

[demgurl]

26. OK, I have watched the video.....

I can see you are really talking about the drug side of the issue and it was not a comment that if it was not food than it would be drugs or liquor. Interesting video, by the way.

[Canuckistanian]

44. We've got to get over this idea

That addicts are "morally inferior" because they "have no willpower". Addicts are people who have a dispostion to chemical substances. And you're right, if it isn't one thing, it's another.

Addicts respond differently to experimentation. Once they've tried cigarettes, then they have to have more. Just one drink? Forget it. Try cocaine once? Ha! The next week, thay pawning their stereo to get cash.

And the people who aren't addicts look down their nose at such people. They're the "social drinkers", the "one cigarette at a party" types. They tried coke once back in the '80's and didn't like it.

Addictions can manifest themselves in many ways and addicts usually have their favorite poison for a while. But they're always one step away from the next obsession.

[_testify_]

6. Not exactly.

I quit smoking. I don't have to buy cigarettes anymore.

But I do have to buy food. Every day.

[demgurl]

11. Stepping, it is not as easy as just giving it up.

My sister-in-law was a crack addict so I know it is not easy to give up a vice. The difference, though, is that you can give up other vices with a little help. You can not give up food.

Your last comment was cute, by the way.

[sendero]

20. Amen..

... mr Razor.

Addictions kinda suck, but some people can keep them under control. I like my beer. I like my pack of butts a week. I'm not going to drink a case on a weekend, or smoke a pack a day. I drew a line, and I'm staying behind it.

See, I enjoy my "addictions". For the time being (and I hope and pray always) I get more out of them than they get out of me. People are addicted to sweets, to TV, to Hallmark card emotions. Most people are addicted to something, we all seek pleasure and comfort.

I've known many people who let their addictions get control. I've seen lives destroyed. I do not judge these people. I know what they are up against. That is my motivation for keeping my addictions in check. Wish me luck, as I wish you.

[Child_Of_Isis]

2. Wow! That was heavy.

I have had these same problems for most of my lifetime. For some odd reason, low carbing got my problem under control. I don't know how, I don't know why. I figure it might have been a serotonin freak out in my body or something.

Best of luck to you my friend.

[demgurl]

15. Best of luck to you as well. Thank you for your kind words.

[smirkymonkey]

32. A lot of it is body/brain chemistry.

There was a recent scientific article out very recently on how food addicts have very similar brain chemistry to alcoholics, the same areas of the brain "light up" when food addicts get their hit (usually it's sugar or high carb foods that readily convert to sugar in the body.)

Personally, I have noticed that when I don't eat sugar or simple carbs, I don't have cravings, my mood is more stable, I am less depressed and angry, and of course I lose weight and have more energy. I didn't want to believe that sugar could actually be addictive (and make one as miserable as an addiction to alcohol) but I have been on and I have been off and there is a HUGE difference in my outlook on life and my mental stability.

[GumboYaYa]

4. Wow, that is eye-opening....

I will have you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you the very best.

[demgurl]

16. Gumbo, thank you very much.

I feel much sadder for the other lady though. I wish I knew how to approach her to help her but an addict can only get help when they want it.

[porphyrian]

7. Caring hurts, doesn't it?

One of my theories as to why conservatives are generally such callous assholes is that they either lack the capacity to care about others or have hardened themselves because they can't deal with the pain of it.

It is not your responsibility to save anyone but yourself. That said, it is sometimes easier to try to save others than it is to save yourself. It is also important to recognize that some people will never be saved, no matter how close you think you are to doing it.

I don't have all the answers, but I've found that the best way to help others in general is to be open about your problems, what you do to solve them and show what works and what doesn't by fixing yourself.

[JuniperLea]

18. Caring hurts

I guess that would explain Babs' beautiful mind, her comments about people being better off in a sports arena after Katrina and W's telling the man in the wheelchair how comfy he looked.

I have to tell myself daily that I can't save the world or I'd be giving everything I have away and taking home every stray. Being empathetic hurts.

My dad's second wife was an addictaholic. She drank and smoked. She got help and quit. Then she started eating. She got help and quit. Then she started spending. She nearly bankrupt my dad. He stuck by her through a lot of thick and thin and finally gave up before she put them both on the street. She caused them to lose their home and it was the last straw. My dad is very empathetic too, but after 20 years of hurting and caring, he learned a valuable lesson... if they are broke, you can't fix them. You can help them help themselves, but you can't fix them.

[porphyrian]

30. I like to look at us all as the walking wounded.

When I'm not blinded by my own problems or emotions, that is. It's good to help others if you can, but you have to know when to quit before they take you down with them. Ultimately, we are the only ones who can fix ourselves, and I'm sorry you and your dad learned that the hard way.

[Child_Of_Isis]

40. Giving up one addiction sometimes gives you another.

Whatever the problem is, it will re-manifest itself in one form or another. Just another addiction to deal with. I kill one and 3 more will come after me.

[demgurl]

48. Juniperx .....Caring does hurt but it is better than being numb.

Not that you were trying to say that we should numb ourselves. I was commenting that if it came down to a choice between caring or being numb then I know what I would choose.

I am sorry for what happened to your family. It is hard to be mad at someone for something that is out of their control. (some still are, but it is not easy if you look at it logically)

I hope your family finds much happiness in the future.

[lins the liberal]

8. I'm a food addict

and I have found help in Overeaters Anonymous. It is a 12 step group patterned after AA. OA welcomes anyone who has problems with food, whether it is overeating, bingeing, or purging. I think it is hard for food addicts to acknowledge what we are doing to ourselves, and even when we acknowledge it, we still seem to have trouble truly believing that we have a disease that kills.

[demgurl]

33. lins...

Thanks for that tip. I will look into it and see what I think.

Peace!

[The Stranger]

10. You cannot help another until you help yourself.

Go here if you want help.

[Missy Vixen]

23. I'm glad OA works for others

Unfortunately, the constant focus on food and eating made my issues worse. At the same time, again, I'm glad it works for others.

Julie

[titoresque]

25. I went to an OA meeting

once. I never went back. I'm not posting this to discourage anyone from going to an OA meeting. Your experience may be differnet than mine.
I needed to talk and there were A LOT of rules. I can't remember all of them right now as this has been years but I do remember my contempt for almost everyone in that room. I wasn't ready at the time to get honest.
Anyhow, I found AA to be more liberating in my recovery. I was able to share and not worry about all the "trigger" topics that we were instructed to avoid at the OA meeting.

My point is that the 12 step program of AA can also be applied to eating disorders so if you find that OA is not for you please do not give up!

[exlrrp]

45. Try another meeting??

Ive heard it said that the 2d AA meetiing was started because someone didn't like the first. This may apply to OA too.
I have used the 12 step program (AA) for more than 30 years now and while I find that my temptations have not decreased, my reactions to them have far improved. Soemtimes working the program in onoe area improves you life in other areas. I had a weight problem when I quit drinking bu not drinking 2 or 3 sixpaks a day solved that, plus a daily exercise regime. Just get out and walk everyday, as far as you can.
You can't do this yourself and why bother? Theres so much support for adiction loss in every category nowadays you shold be able to find this close to you.
Its a health issue and its a quality of life issue. How healthy do you want to be? Enought to get off your ass and do something about it? Thats when it will happen, when youre sick and tired of being sick and tired

PS spend less time in front of your computer

[Celebration]

13. definitely you can't give up food

But you could give up all fructose and sugar added things, and keep broccoli, spinach, and fruit around. I am convinced that the addictive foods are things like sweet bakery products and snack foods, for the most part.

Also there is some Israeli research on the use of inositol for food addictions (large amounts--it is a health food item)--

1: Int J Eat Disord. 2001 Apr;29(3):345-8. Effect of inositol on bulimia nervosa and binge eating.

Gelber D, Levine J, Belmaker RH.

Ministry of Health Mental Health Center, Faculty of Health Sciences, Ben Gurion University of the Negev, P.O. Box 4600, Beersheva, Israel.

OBJECTIVES: This study aimed to determine whether inositol has therapeutic value in patients with bulimia nervosa and binge eating. METHOD: A double-blind crossover trial using 18 g inositol versus placebo was performed in 12 patients for 6 weeks in each arm. RESULTS: Inositol was significantly better than placebo on the Global Clinical Impression, the Visual Analogue Scale, and the Eating Disorders Inventory. DISCUSSION: Inositol is as therapeutic in patients with bulimia nervosa and binge eating as it is in patients with depression and panic and obsessive-compulsive disorders. This increases its parallelism with serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors. Copyright 2001 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

PMID: 11262515

That is A LOT of inositol, and I sure wouldn't start with that large amount, if it were I.

[demgurl]

38. itsjustme....

I really need to keep healthier snacks on hand. That is a good point.

Thanks for the information about the study.

[Child_Of_Isis]

41. I keep absolutely no bad food at home.

None. It's that "avoidance" thing I have going on, I guess. I am also careful about which restaurants I go to. It's only a piece of cake for those who have never gone through it. For those who have...it's spoiled cheese.

[demgurl]

50. Child....

I can go to restaurants and eat at home as long as someone else is there. I can pretend to have restrain when others are around. It is easy to choose one one item on the menu when you know people will look on in horror if you ordered what you really wanted to.

You are right, people do not know unless they have gone through it.

Peace!

[CoffeeCat]

17. I am an addict too...and I have experienced what you did...

Hi Demgurl,

Hugs to you. You're so brave for posting all of that on DU. You didn't know how others would respond, but you had the courage to share your feelings, and that's really cool. It helped me.

I am an addict, and I've just come to that realization within the last few months. Food is my issue. During the first 30 years of my life, I was a size 5 and in complete denial about the sexual abuse that happened to me. I was in survival mode, but not living. I was a walking coping mechanism. A few years ago, I went into therapy and came out of denial about the sexual abuse. I've been eating out of control since the therapy began, and I've gained 90 lbs in the past three years.

I recognize what's happening. Denial was my drug, during the first 1/3 of my life. Now, food helps me to cope. Food anesthetizes me. When I eat sugary foods, I get a buzz. It's a distraction from the feelings that come up. Eating disorders take up a ton of physical and mental energy. They allow us to take enormous U-turns around the truth about our pain. I also used to binge/purge. I know I got a high from that. Also, the guilt, shame and meal-planning, lying and secrecy took up a great deal of psychic energy too.

I've made friends with my eating disorder. My therapist has helped me to see that the "part" of me that overeats is a very astute, clever "manager" part who has been trained to keep me from feeling bad and experiencing the sting of pain. I developed this part growing up, when facing the abuse was too painful--if not totally impossible. I lived with my rapist--my father. Experiencing the depth of this reality would have meant a total breakdown. This manager part helped me to stuff it all down---with incredible efficiency. Now that I'm out of denial, that part kicks in when I start feeling the pain, panic, anger, sorrow and out-of-control helplessness. That part is almost like a subconscious, knee-jerk firefighter--desperately trying to throw water on feelings which cause anxiety...and before I know it--I'm eating granola bars or chocolate chips or ice cream. Then I'm fine.

I understand--I lack the ability to deal with basic emotions. I spent years conditioned to stuff, stuff, stuff--to survive.

Now, I'm trying to unravel these bad coping mechanisms. I'm trying to heal that part of me who feels the need to "manage" and "control" the emotions. I'm trying to convince her that it's safe and that she doesn't need to scramble to put out the fires anymore. I'm trying to convice her that she can rest. It's very difficult. It's like dealing with a child who sees only in black and white. She only knows that feelings mean pain and panic. It's hard to get her to listen. That part of me was born out of trauma. It's very challenging.

Demgurl--I imagine that when you saw your fellow comrade in the stall next to you--it was almost like getting a glimpse of yourself. You know what she's feeling, what she's doing and all of the games and tricks she plays. You understand. You wanted to reach out. Whenever we meet someone else with our same issues--there's always a part of us who wants to reach out and rescue---because we so desperately want to be rescued ourselves. Having an eating disorder can be so incredibly isolating. You feel as if you are the only one who lives like this. So, when you see someone else living exactly the same way--and bearing her secret--it's very emotional.

I've met many survivors of sexual abuse, and I have strong emotional reactions to meeting them. Sometimes it's really overwhelming. So, I do understand your reaction. I think your reaction was very compassionate and nonjudgmental.

Thanks for writing what you did, Demgurl. I've been consumed lately, by trying to stop this. I've made positive changes lately, and I'm moving forward. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.

I know addiction is not about the substance. Addiction is about the need to anesthetize yourself from pain. Some people cover their pain with shopping, some with alcohol, drugs, sex, religion--or an eating disorder. Recognizing that there is a problem--and not being in denial--is so major. A huge hurdle that many never even see---let alone jump over. You seem to have a strong sense of self awareness, Demgurl. You understand what your issues are. You think about this stuff. That's huge.

I have a sister who is bulimic and she is cemented in denial. It's so very sad. We don't even speak. Many people stay inside the addiction, and never question it. That scenario almost always has tragic consequences. It's much easier to stay cemented--the way my sister is--and the way I did for the first 30 years. It's less painful. The half-way stage--where you begin to travel through the pain--is so incredibly difficult. It's truly like "emotional chemotherapy." You have to feel really horrible for a while, before you can heal. There's just nothing more painful nor challenging. Anyone who is in that middle stage--or anyone who has made it through to the other side, can testify to that.

You're not in denial, Demgurl and you had the courage to speak out here. You aren't hanging on to the side of the pool. You're in the middle, swimming like hell. You WILL make it to the other side.

Thanks so much for speaking out--it only helps others reach that others side, too.


:hug:

[demgurl]

31. TwoSparkles.....

I have read your post three times now because I wanted to take it all in and give it the time and attention it so rightly deserves.

First, I would like to thank you for all of your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard to speak about some of these things. There but for the grace of something goes me. My Uncle came on to me and it could have just as easily been me sitting here talking about abuse. I am not saying that my rape was not abuse but when those you trust rape you then it is a whole other issue. I am so sorry. AND I am truly convinced that a lot of disorders stem from bad sexual encounters.

Perhaps things in our past weigh more heavily than we like to admit. When you hear that your father saw a fat woman and he tells your mom that if she ever gains that much weight they will go to a Dr to see how fast she can safely lose it. He says she will have that much time to lose it or he will divorce her!!!! I guess you can subconsciously combine that with advertisements and your own bad encounters only to have a toxic mix of messages.

You know, at this point it does not matter how others respond. It is wonderful that you think I am brave for posting but my husband asked if I felt naked talking about rape, my abortion and so many other things here. He asked if I put too much out there for comfort. There is just so much stigma in society and I try not to have that stick to me. Someone else can judge me but it can only effect me if I let it. If someone feels a certain way about me....well, they do not know me and it can only effect me if I give them the power in my life. I would no more give them the power than I would a random person on the street. (I guess it is pretty near the same thing since I have not met most people here) Other people only have as much power as YOU give them.

It is so wonderful that you have been able to work with a therapist about everything that has happened to you. I do not know you but I am proud of the steps you have taken. You sound like you have been through a lot and, yes, you are a survivor.

I suppose you are right. The whole incident haunts me because I do know everything she is going through and those, as you know, are very raw emotions. It is a strange time when you have wolfed down a plate of food and you take that old familiar visit to the bathroom. You find yourself alone with your thoughts and feelings. You stare into that white toilet and pause to gain your composure and brace yourself for what you know you are about to do. Then you go for it.

I remember the first time I learned how to throw up. I was about seven and I felt sick. I was over at my grandparent's house. My Grandfather came to check on me and my stomach was so upset. My Grandpa told me how to make myself sick. I wish he never had but I am sure I would have picked it up another way.

I may not be in denial but I have a feeling I can not cope with this for another couple of years. There are major things going on in my family that will not be over until then. When all of that is over I can start to fully heal. I will make it to the other side but will have quite a bit of water treading until then!

Thank you for posting and please know I am here if you ever want to talk.

[Child_Of_Isis]

39. Addiction is about the need to anesthetize yourself from pain.

That's an eye opener. And so true. One does wonder where the hell the pain comes from. Life in general? Some are more sensitive than others?

[titoresque]

21. Me too

I completely understand. I have bulimia radar now. Sort of like gaydar...which I have as well.

I haven't thrown up for about 4 years. I've also been sober for 5 years. I think my biggest addiction has been bulimia. You have to eat, you have to face your demon right there literally in your face every day. I don't have to go to a bar or walk down the liquor aisle at a store...I don't have to drink. I also know it's a long tough road in recovery but it can be done.
My brother dated a girl for a couple years who I'm sure was bulimic. I would try my best to talk to her and offer my story and the terrible progression of my addiction. But she wouldn't really ever open up to me. You can't help a person who refuses to be honest with themself. Very sad.

To your question, "how do you help another when you cannot help yourself?" From my experience, the only way you can truly help yourself is to help others. Although I was never able to really make a break through with my brothers girlfriend, It was therapy for me. I was stepping outside of my own self pity and inner chatter and just extending my hand to someone who seemed to need the help. She wasn't ready to get honest but the talks helped keep me focused on my own sobriety and I was reminding myself of why I never want to go back to those grey day's. She also knows that if and when she ever needs someone who will really understand what she is going through I will be there for her.

This is why the program of AA has grown and lasted all these years. It's just one lost person helping another along the road to recovery.

Please pm me if you ever need to talk. I would be happy to hear from you!
Peace and a big :hug:

[demgurl]

35. titoresque......

More power and much peace to you. I am sure you are strong and had many struggles to be alcohol and bulimia free for so long. You are right that it is much easier to avoid trouble spots when you are an alcoholic than a food addict. Every single day you are forced to eat food but you are not forced to drink alcohol. That does not make alcohol any less of an addiction, by the way. I know that you know that but I do not want to make light of anyone's addictions. I know once you are an addict you are always an addict but kudos to you for beating two addictions.

I worked at helping another person for a while. I have an email friend and we would write each other faithfully and say what we had eaten and how much exercise we did. I was truthful in every way as I assume was she. Then our lives got hectic and we stopped emailing. It was good to have a buddy to help keep on track and remain in control. Maybe I will do that again.

Thank you for your offer of help and I would not be too surprised if you heard from me in the not too distant future.

[Child_Of_Isis]

42. but you are not forced to drink alcohol

That doesn't make the cravings any easier.

[Missy Vixen]

22. Demgurl, we may never meet each other

but I am so, so sorry that I'm not in your world, because I'd hope I could give you a hug. The cyber kind just aren't the same. :hug:

>It is much easier to deal with that addiction when you do not have to fight it everyday and consume the substance everyday.<

Absolutely. Body image consumes those of us who aren't "perfect," or aren't what we know others believe we should be. Every waking moment is consumed with "better not eat that," "gosh, I'd really like a cookie," "am I going to fit in the airline seat?" etcetera. Every trip into public is perilous -- I'm one of those fat ladies. Everyone thinks it's their business.

The only thing we can do for the lady that was in the bathroom with you today is send whatever healing, white light, or prayers we each might believe in. I'm going to believe that she will be able to love herself enough to seek whatever help she might need. I'm going to believe that she has someone in her life that will stick with her through it. Most of all, I'm going to hope that she will realize that her body is not the enemy.

Julie

[demgurl]

36. Julie, you have really touched me.

Thanks for being so kind.

Yes, I hope that lady finds healing. I am sure she looked at me and was glad she was not my size and I know I looked at her and was happy I was not that thin but also feeling sorry for her. I hope she does find a place in her life where she can heal and begin to eat her way back to health.

Just remember none of us are perfect and even the models in the magazines have a fair amount of air brushing. It says something about society when you have to air brush a model!!!!!

Thank you for your post.

[mdmc]

24. k/r

my thoughts are will all...

peace and low stress

I don't have any answers...

[tabasco]

27. Please be strong and work through this terrible problem.

You have lots of moral support here.

Do you think it's time to talk to a doctor about this?

Are there support groups in your area?

[demgurl]

37. tabasco.....

I was actually more posting about the problem the lady has and how bad I felt about that. Although her problem actually is my problem so I guess they overlap.

I may end up getting help but it will be a while from now because there is too much emotional baggage going on right now and that will continue for about the next year or two. It is no good trying to work through your problems when you are in the middle of emotional turmoil that has gone on for three years and will continue for a couple of more. When it is over I will have time to heal.

[SmokingJacket]

29. A painfully thin middle-aged woman used to jog past my

apartment building every day. It was excruciating to see her. I have been through the whole eating disorder thing and could see the pain in her eyes.

Now that I'm older, I see that *many, many women* go through this to some degree -- more than I'd ever guessed. This culture is SO fucked up about food. I suppose we evolved in a state of semi-starvation -- now, food is everywhere. It can do strange things to a person.

[demgurl]

49. SmokingJacket.....

Yes, it has an effect on so many women. It is sad and I know the pain you felt seeing that woman. I hope she found some sort of peace in her life. It is a terrible thing to be so consumed by one thing.

[babylonsister]

43. Demgirl, thank you for this. I know a few people who might

benefit, and that includes friends who think their kids are too fat. This presents an alternative, so you've done a great service to get this message out there.
I don't know how to comfort you, and don't understand that form of addiction (though I do have a few of my own). You touched me though.
And thanks. :hug:

[demgurl]

53. Babylon, you re welcome and thank you.

Your post was very warm and kind. I hope you are able to cope with your addictions and that very little temptation comes your way.

Life is hard but it gets a little easier when you know you are not in it alone. I am glad we are in this together.

[IronLionZion]

46. How did you beat your addiction?

just curious, that's all.

good luck! :hi:

[demgurl]

51. IronLionZion.....

I fight it everyday so I am not over it and never will be. If you are asking what made me quit throwing up, well that is simple.

About ten years ago I was throwing up on a pretty constant basis and I started to throw up blood. I confided about this to my best friend and he insisted on taking me to a doctor. He actually threatened that he would never speak to me again if I did not go to the doctor - he was just that worried about me.

I understood his ultimatum since I broke up with a boyfriend who was doing any drugs anyone would give him. He laughed when he told me how he shot up something unknown to him and the last thing he remembered was shaking on the floor and convulsing. He thought this was funny and I just was horrified. I tried telling his mom (she and I were very close) but she said I must have misunderstood him. I knew enough that he was not going to quit and I was not going to stick around and watch him kill himself. Well, my best friend's threat was along the same lines.

The doctor told me how it was from the effects of the purging and how the blood is basically where there were tears inside my body where blood was getting through and I was throwing that up, when I purged, along with my food. I had to go on a diet that was bland so my insides could heal. I quit soda a.k.a. as my caffeine supply cold turkey. Talk about headaches and withdrawal!!! I could have nothing spicy or that would be greasy - nothing that would irritate my stomach. I drank a LOT of milk.

Anyway, that scared me for a good while. I stayed away from purging but as with any addict, temptations do come back to haunt you. I started to exercise and diet and become very aware of my weight and how slowly I was losing it even on a healthy diet and LOTS of exercise. I do nothing in moderation so I eventually got up to over 3 hours a day on the treadmill. All of a sudden all of your thoughts are about food, weight and diet. Going to bed you feel guilt about what you ate and the fact that you only put in 3 hours instead of 3 1/2 or 4. You feel guilt that you had two servings of salad - never mind that you are eating more healthy than ever before and that you had fat free dressing. You feel you must be doing something wrong because you just are not losing the weight fast enough.

Well, if you are not losing weight fast enough then sometimes you feel why not go ahead and eat. You figure, wtf. You go to the drive through and order a ton of food and then you go home in a dark corner and gobble it up. You finally look down at the empty packages and say to yourself, "Oh God, what have I done?" Now there is guilt for what you have done wrong. You say to yourself that you have to do something about it and while normal people would just get back on track, you go to the bathroom. You throw everything up and perhaps you feel so much guilt that you do it for the healthy meals that day. On top of that you get back on the treadmill and do the exercise equivalent of flogging yourself. Then it turns into a cycle because nothing is ever good enough and you just want to eat like everyone else seems to but they never gain any weight.

And so my last bout went. The one thing that saved me is an internet/couponing pal told me she wanted to diet and we decided to give each other someone to lean on to lose weight and exercise. I disclosed everything to her even if I ate too much or I threw up. She is a good friend of mine and I would never lie to her so rather than lying I just had to play it straight and she kept me in line and I did not throw up after a few weeks of emailing each other about eating and exercise habits.

I am not cured and nor will I ever be cured. And I realize that the way my mind and body works is that I deal, heavily, with this every couple of years. There are small struggles in between but I go to war with the toilet, my body and food every couple of years.

It helps that I have changed my life so much. I have weeded out a lot of negative influences. I have a much more positive outlook and I am surrounded by great people. I do go through stress periods and try to make myself aware of my actions before I go to get a tub of ice cream out of the fridge.

No, I wish I were cured but as with any addiction, I will have this with me forever. But you know what? In the grand scheme of things it is not so bad. I could have cancer or AIDS or even be homeless. My sons could be of an age where they could join the military and they could die. I do not want to belittle this but I hate taking an 'oh-woe-is-me' stance on anything. This is a part of me and who I am but I do not let it define me. I have the control - at least for now.

[dalaigh lllama]

47. I've known someone with a food addiction

And they described it to me just as you have. This lovely person became overweight in high school, then lost the weight via a vigorous diet and exercise program in college. She then spent another year continuing to obsess about controlling her weight with a rigid adherence to a strict diet and hours of exercise, becoming very depressed in the meantime. At a particularly low point one evening, as she thought about how tired she was of obsessing about not eating all the time, she tripped across an author on the internet that she says saved her sanity. Have you ever heard of Geneen Roth? This person bought all her books, stopped the rigid diet and exercise regimen (although she continues to eat sensibly now and does still walk quite a bit), and has maintained a healthy weight now for five years. Even so, to this day she is a self described food addict. She could probably make a living doing before-and-after ads for the myriad weight loss programs, but because of Geneen Roth's books, she is opposed to "diets" of any type.

I've known lots of folks with various types of addictions, but it seems to me this would be one of the toughest to deal with.

[Pastiche423]

52. Your addiction is not a handicap

If only I had been there, in that bathroom, I would have tried to shame the hell out of you!

The handicap stalls are for people using wheelchairs. Are you in a wheelchair? If not, then you are one hell of an inconsiderate person.

SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

[demgurl]

54. Pastiche...I am sorry you feel that way.

I will assume you know someone who is handicapped and that is why you feel a need to lash out. You must love them very much to defend them so vigorously. It is a gift to love that much.

I agree with you, my addiction is not a handicap. You are right. I wish my weight was not a handicap. You see, I have been in smaller stalls where I had had to move to the handicap stall because there just is not enough room for me. It is not that I am selfish and just want space. I have been in stalls where it would be very tough for me to clean myself because they are so small. I did try to explain that I am big and stalls are sometimes small for me. I did not go into the stall to throw up and the proof is that I was facing forward to see the feet of the person in the stall across from me.

Pastiche, I hope you will see beyond the defense of those you love and see that I am not a bad person and I went in that stall because I needed (not wanted) the room and had to. All of that being said, I do go in smaller stalls when I can. I did see a stall in a grocery store today and I swear it would be hard for a 5 year to fit in there. Not sure what they were thinking.

Please see I was sharing the sadness I felt for someone else. I was sharing my pain and the pain they must have been feeling.

I am really sorry if I offended you.

Peace!

[Pastiche423]

55. Lash out?

What you did was wrong! Those stalls were created for one purpose - for a person in a w/c to be able to get inside and be able to close the door for privacy.

Being "big" is no excuse. If you could fit into a regular stall, as you wrote you have done before, you have no excuse.

Allow me to share my pain. Time after time, I have entered a bathroom that has multiple stalls and just one handicap stall. Yet, guess which one is in use?

I have to sit and wait for the person to come out, hoping I will not have an accident (yes, it has happened) while waiting for the able bodied person to leave the handicap stall.

Yes, I am the disabled one. And I am fucking sick and tired of hearing excuses like yours!

[demgurl]

56. Again, I am sorry.

I know it will not help but I have written up reports on people for using handicap stalls when they did not need to.

I have every reason to believe what you say is true because I experienced the same thing. I evaluate stores and their workers for a living. I went into a bathroom to evaluate it and the handicap stall was in use. A handicapped woman was waiting to use it (no wheelchair but she was handicapped) and she had an accident. I had to go to her table to get one of the care workers to get her a change of clothes from the van. I saw the restaurant worker come out of that stall and corporate was given a very nasty write up about the whole incident.

That was not the first nor the last time I wrote up an evaluation on a store employee. It did outrage me very much.

I will tell you what I did in your private email - I am large enough that I do sometimes have problems cleaning myself in a small stall. Shame? Believe me, I feel more shame than anyone else could ever throw upon me. I am the size of a house, I have a food addiction and I have kids at my my child's school asking when I am due. Heck, I have parents who ask the same thing. When I was pregnant I had people ask if I was expecting triplets!

I am sorry for the offense and I hope you accept my apology. One of the nicest things I ever learned from my husband was that when someone says they are sorry, you accept it. If they are willing to concede something wrong than you should be a big enough person to say "that's OK". We have drilled that into our children. You are the bigger person for accepting that and giving them your forgiveness. I know many people have wronged you when you have had a need to use the bathroom and now I hope you will show me you are the bigger person and accept my apology.