Do people have the moral obligation to care

[survivor999]

for their elderly parents even in cases when the parents were abusive and uncaring?

[atreides1]

1. That decision

Is up to the individual.

[Mutley]

2. Every situation is different.

I'd be willing to say more often then not, yes. No parent is perfect, so it would have to depend on exactly what sort of abuse you mean.

[Demobrat]

3. The social contract is

parents take care of kids and then kids take care of parents. If parents break the contract first, kids are under no obligation to live up to their part of the bargain.

[question everything]

4. What's the alternative?

Let them being thrown into the gutter to die?

It is not as if we have any kind of safety net to care for the sick and the elderly.

Or that being in a home provided by Medicare and Medicate is much better.

[lindisfarne]

8. Abusive parents should have thought about this when they were abusing.

It depends on what is meant by "abuse" but any kind of abuse that could be prosecuted if committed today would qualify as letting children off the hook. These children likely have their own families to worry about and should prioritize their children (and their own retirement) over an abusive parent. Each person has to decide for themselves how to respond, but they shouldn't allow "guilt" to lead them into a financial situation where they put their own future or their children's future into danger. If money is no object, then perhaps the decision should be to pay for their care.

There are plenty of people who never abused their kids who end up relying on Medicare/Medicaid to pay their expenses (because their children don't have the financial resources to do otherwise); given this, I wouldn't expect kids of an abusive parent to endanger their family's financial future if they don't have extensive financial resources.

[TreasonousBastard]

5. Yes, and the situations where it can be argued no...

are few and far between.

It may suck at times, but lots of things suck and just have to be dealt with.

[jwirr]

6. My father was beaten with a tire iron by his mother. When I asked

him why he still took care of her, he said, "She is still my mother." He was deeply religious so I think he was talking about the commandment. I was honored to have him as a father.

[jwirr]

7. My father was beaten with a tire iron by his mother. When I asked

him why he still took care of her, he said, "She is still my mother." He was deeply religious so I think he was talking about the commandment. I was honored to have him as a father.

[anewdeal]

9. yes they do

[murielm99]

10. My parents were abusive.

I would still care for them if necessary.

This is not about forgiveness. It goes to the heart of who I am and who I want to be.

Why should I let them make me into a small petty person? Why should I hate them and let that hate twist me? Repukes behave that way. I am a Democrat and a moral person.

[alarimer]

11. I would put them in a nursing home

I would not be equipped to do it myself.

[Hekate]

12. Like public school & universal health care, I think SOCIETY ...

... has an obligation, not just families.

Your question is framed too narrowly. Is it my "duty" to home-school my children, regardless of my personal fitness as a teacher? If the parents of my kids' playmates can't afford vaccinations, do I just shrug my shoulders and wait for the epidemic? Must I shoulder the entire burden of costs for cancer treatments because it was a member of my family that got the disease?

Or is there some wider societal benefit to everyone chipping in to provide schooling and health care for all?

Caring for the elderly in their declining years may be beyond the individual capacities of any one family. Family caregivers (usually one designated woman) often burn out, sometimes to the point of suicide.

I'm not advocating nursing homes as a some kind of dumping ground -- but respite care, adult day care, more senior services generally, would go a long way toward maintaining people in their homes and communities longer.

You don't say how old you and your parents are, or whether this question relates to your relationship with them or is just kind of random -- but as I said before it too-narrowly frames an exceedingly complex issue.

I'm pushing 60, my mother is 82 and my mother in law is 93. Both of them are widowed. Personality-wise, they can give me whiplash.

My mother has said for years that "duty and obligation run _down_ the generations from parents to children, and that I would rather die than be dependent on my children." Part of this stems from my mom's extended family trying to care for her own grandmother, who probably had Alzheimer's -- my mother's grandma's personality gravely deteriorated and she became paranoid and mean. Everyone took turns keeping her in their homes until she became completely unmanagable, at which time she was committed to an asylum of some sort, where in time she died.

My mother has 4 grown children (I'm the oldest), all of whom have at various times indicated that we would never abandon her and would willingly have her live with us if she ever wanted or needed to. I said this over 30 years ago and got the line about how she'd rather die. Nothing in the years since then has caused her to change her mind.

We do what we can, okay? She moved to another state. We go visit. In the past year or more, with worsening health and a much worse state of mind, we've all had the feeling she's beating us back with a stick. You just don't want to know.

My mother in law, otoh, has an emotional grip like a vise, and one of her sons lives in her house with her. My long experience with her has persuaded me that she expects the world to revolve around her. When she is with us there is no, I repeat NO, escape from continuous face to face contact. Do not ask for details.

We all do what we can.

There is no one answer.

Oh, I almost forgot the abuse part of your question. If "taking care of" means "living with" the answer is an emphatic NO. My father sexually abused me when I was young. I foolishly thought I was the only one and failed to protect my daughter from her nice grandpa. The idea that he might actually have lived with me and my children is -- words fail me. My answer would be the same if he had beaten me instead. NO. I wouldn't abandon a parent to the gutter, but it's only self-defense to limit contact with an abuser.

Hekate

[Raine]

13. I have mixed feelings about it

I don't think they should have to care for someone who mistreated them but then it's unfair for that person to be a burden on someone else. My aunt had a friend who had mental trouble and the woman had been a terrible mother. When the woman became old and couldn't care for herself her daughter would have nothing to do with her, she put her in a home. Somehow my aunt became the one responsible for her and the one the home called when there was problems. After my aunt died the NH was always calling my father passing the responsibility on to him. Both my father and aunt had told the NH about the daughter but she washed her hands of her mother and my soft-hearted aunt and father didn't feel they could just desert the woman. I couldn't help but feel that even though the daugher may have had her reasons it wasn't right that her mother became other's problem.

[sweetheart]

14. no

Do whatever is in your heart of hearts.

Likely its wise advise is to love. Sometimes it is to care.
Sometimes love means not to care.