I miss my life

[blues90]

My intent is not to bring people down , I am really trying to keep some hope and will here . I may have even finally found two workable forms of employment beginning august that I may be able to blend into a days work and end up with just enough to get by one .

However , with every day I begin to feel better , everyday I just can't seem to hold onto that feeling without the past as I knew it flooding back in and that shock of how things are now slapping me right back into a hopeless feeling . I just can't seem to forget how in this country things were once so much better even if alot of this was on the surface , there was at least a surface to stand upon and feel part of a society who did for the most part try to work together for the common good .

I can't help adding it all up , I can't forget the stolen elections , I can't forget what was allowed to happen to the people in New Orleans , I can't forget all the deaths in Iraq or ignore them , I can't forget how insane bush represents us as americans , I can't forget how america is now the most hated country , I can't forget all the lost jobs and corporate take over and job outsourcing .

If I can't forget how can I forgive and how can I make each day seem like a step closer to the next day becoming better . I have a problem , I can't forget the past and the hope that I once had and I am real close to 60 . As hard as I try to remain inspired and hopeful these moments are as rare as the moments of my worst days in the past .

[ceile]

1. You're not alone, blues90

I miss mine, too. On the surface I miss being able to pay ALL my bills (not just picking and choosing for the month), going out and buying what I wanted (w/in reason) and just generally having a good time in life.
Now, you can't talk about any thing remotely controversial with anyone because it could start a fight. I can't talk to my family about things that are important to me because it may start a fight. You can't have bumper stickers on your car that criticize anything or anyone because it may start a fight. We are so polarized that we are no longer a community.

[Nimrod2005]

2. Bravo for sharing how you feel...We are with you

:hug:

[Rainbowreflect]

3. I miss feeling hopeful.

I use to feel hopeful most of the time. Now it just happens once in a while. I have lost so much of my faith is other people. I makes me sad.

[OwnedByFerrets]

4. I understand what you are saying....

and agree with much of it. When I am feeling particularly "down" I think how it must be to live in Baghdad today.....or Lebanon, or certain parts of Africa....or even Mexico. As bad as things are here, and they are bad, most of us still have a high quality of life.....and most importantly, we still have hope. Hope is something that many of the worlds peoples don't have.

[lostnfound]

21. I allowed myself to feel hopeful on election night 2004...

for a couple of hours..it felt so incredibly good, for a change.

I have moments of hope, even now, but it's the small feeling of hope when you see signs of change, not the big feeling of hope you have when you know that your loved one is finally better and coming home from the hospital after weeks in intensive care.

[OKNancy]

5. Since most of us are powerless to fix the big things

how about do something small that can make your life or someone else's life better?
It wouldn't have to big a big thing if you have to work all the time. Take a trashbag on a walk and pick up litter, write letters to the editor, call your local Democratic party and see if there is anything you can do, volunteer at an animal shelter, or just take an old person out for a meal.

It's great to be a bleeding heart liberal, I'm one too, but use that heart for good purpose.

[deaniac21]

6. Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

[sam sarrha]

7. Me too... i get up at 3am and get home at 4:30pm and go to bed at 7pm $8hr

for 10 hours..and it is a brutal job for a kid and i am 58.. and that job is going to china soon.. my 2nd in since Bu$h and my wife has lost 3. her profession was essentially lost to China. but something is in the wind.. companies are seeking all the old pattern makers and setting up pattern and technical departments again. she has trained 3 of the other 6 in her technical Design department to do pattern making over the last year and a half, just because she was trying to help them out.. the other 3 are lazy back lying stabbing b*tches.. they cant do anything and refused to even try to learn to do their jobs.. but my wife and her 3 friends all quit in the last 2 weeks, my wife did 65% of all the work in a team of 7... she just always does the best reguardless of what is happening, she is a real inspiration for me.

the Recruiters called her about a REALLY good job and asked if she knew any other pattern makers that wanted a job.. she got her 3 friends jobs making over $50,000 and we are moving in 2 weeks, the new company is buying our house and providing the movers for us and putting us up for a month to look for a house and giving us a $5500 bonus to live on till we get going..

the Dalai Lama said, 'A negative thought continues and increases exponentially until replaced by a positive thought, however the positive thought must be cultivated.'

it takes some training for the mind to operate effectively, there is a good book, Diamond Mind by Rob Narin, cheap used at amazon.com ..meditation
will help the mind focus and disassociate the emotions from thoughts.. there is some info at http://www.buddhanet.net check out the Buddhanet Audio, lower left home page, there is some Mp3 information that you might find interesting.. i will try to get the address for a really great site i am sure will help you learn to deal with gravitating to the heavy world.. i know what it is like i did it all my life and i have learned to identify it and to deal with it better. we all start where we are..

[RethugAssKicker]

10. Have you heard of Vipassana?

Sounds similiar... .Vipassana has had tremdous positive effects on people... For 90% of those who practice it, it has turned their life completeley around.

http://www.firehorse.com.au/philos/vipassana/welcome.html

[sam sarrha]

11. yes, i have a tape called 'Doing Time Doing Vipassana', about prisons and

meditation. It started in India and has spread around the world;

Insight Meditation has centers in many states that provide Free 10 day meditation retreats. everyone i have talked to about have had life altering experiences there.

i started meditating with information from Pema Chodrons tapes, 'When Things Fall Apart'.. i quit drinking after 30 years of hard alcoholism within a week of listening to her. i found information on Buddhanet and sent for Jack Kornfields tape sets, Robert Thurman, and many others i got at http://www.soundstrue.com and http://www.snowlionpub.com .. then after about 2 months of meditating as best as i could, i ran into a Tibetan Lama who invited me to the Chenrezig Center.. i attended tuesday and Thursday weekly meetings and a weekend morning 2hr Meditation... every week for 5 years/

it is hard to communicate how important meditation is and how it changes you, ..after 5 years of meditating and Vajra training from an attendant of the Dalai Lama, i was in a group meditation at the Center and i had a Revelation... Buddhism is a lot like an A.A. type self help organization for people addicted to Conventional Thought.

i see people who are suffering so terribly and they could change their life within a few months of meditation, but they react like an alcoholic in Denial if you suggest it... it is really the simplest thing you can do.. literally nothing but watch the breath... and only 10 minutes a day..

Tenzin said that with continued meditation that skillful means would develop and you would be better able to help others..

[RethugAssKicker]

15. I saw "Doing Time" on Link TV

Just watching it, I knew this was the real thing...A method, A cure, a way to true understanding and ultimate self developement..

But I, unfortunately, am caught up in the Matrix. I know I should take this 10 day learning experience.. but somehow I keep find excuses as to why I can not do so NOW.

You sound like you have an immense amount of knowledge and experience in these pursuits.. How do you suggest I begin? How do you break from a mask that you have been wearing for 46 years!

[sam sarrha]

30. the trick is to just meditate for 10 minutes a day the first 30 days..then

you can do longer, i do it while standing in line at the store, and there is Tonglin to do for all the unhappy people you run into.. Pema Chodron is the major teacher of that.

i do the '4 Immeasurable' a lot.. when i see people suffering.. or i am gravitating or unhappy

may all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness

may all beings be free of suffering and the causes of suffering

may all beings never be separated from the happiness that knows no suffering

may all beings live in equanimity free of anger, aversion and grasping that causes us to hold some beings near and others distant

when ever i fill a glass with water, use water handle food, any thing that others in the world need and dont have, i say that or snap my thumb with my ring finger of my left hand.. it is a Tibetan thing.

it is best to have a teacher,.. see if there is an insight meditation group, Shambhalla Group, a Tibetan Center around, where are you.. i am pretty good at finding them.. it there is a yoga center around they may help you find one.. tho the Yoga center here in Jackson TN charges $10 a session.
the Unitarian Universalists have Buddhist group associated with them, i believe it is Zen. i dont really identify with the Zen process, it is usually not proper to Diss other groups but.. stay away from SGI and NKT,

go to http://www.buddhanet.net they have a nice Meditation Video and instruction and course in Buddhism, and usually some Mp3 and down loadable lectures.. jack Kornfield, sharon salsburg usually have some teachings there.

meditation is compared to learning to play a musical instrument, you need a teacher.. you have to practice every day... and it takes about as long to learn.. about a year. some sooner and some later, but we all need to start where we are.

Buddhism is based on the 'Four Noble Truths'.. the forth being the Noble 8 fold path. it is important to understand even if you dont want to become a Buddhist. the 8 fold path or the Middle Way is a life style designed to keep you from acquiring more bad karma while you are working on getting rid of what you already have. it will keep you from getting distracted from your meditation.. your conventional mind will do whatever it possibly can to keep control of your life.. it knows it is on the way out and will fight to the death.. but it never really dies, you are not going to get rid of it.. i believe it is just part of being human.

here is how i see it, the conventional mind is based on the illusion of the 'Self', the self does not exist and is the source of all suffering, it is the chain that binds us to Samsara, the world of suffering. but the chain is also in the Tarot card in the Devil card, there are 2 figures chained to the thrown of the Devil.. one chain is gold and one lead, one is being bound by the illusion of good, like believing a gOD can save you and the other the illusion that earthly things bring happiness. both chains bind the characters with large nooses.. that can be easily cast off. but they are trapped by the illusion, not any actual bindings.

it is like the Lakota story of Jumping Mouse,.. i see todays version as the mind constantly controlling the consciousness like a blaring AM radio slowly and constantly being tuned across the channels and back again.. one blaring thought to the next.. and every once and a while you hear a beautiful peaceful sound.. then it is gone.. the more you listen it for it the more you notice it.. with proper practice you can tune out the AM and be one with the beautiful music...

the Buddhists say that one just tries it and if it works there is more to learn.. if it doesn't work, well life goes on... you are not sent to hell, you dont burn forever.. there were lots of people at the Chenrezig Center that practiced Buddhism and weren't Buddhists nor wanted to be one, many were practicing Christians.. but it worked for them.

with a little practice you will start to name the mental interruptions to watching the breath, anger, guilt, ..Thinking..the usual, and then let them go. after a while you will see those distractions in your waking day..and let go of them just as easily.. you start to see them coming and begin not to associate emotions with words images or thoughts. emotions become pure experiences, not negative pollutants to thoughts that cause biochemical cascades that disturb the body also..which can become very addicting. withdrawn from habitual behaviors is a factor in the difficulty of meditating.. things sometime get worse before they get better.. as Pema says, once you calm the pool and the water begins to clear, you begin to see all the skeletons and garbage down there.. that is what kept me from quitting drinking so long.. the shame of what i did all those years being drunk, wasting half my Precious Human Life.. meditation sorta washed the emotion of shame away and i could deal with the NOW of addiction, and learning to let go of the grasping of thoughts helped me to let go of grasping of the desire to drink... that broke the cycle of addiction and i have not had even one craving after the first month of meditation.

well i have rambled enough.. i will try to get the audio teaching of that Australian Nun.. she is really great.. there is what is called the Monkey Mind.. it jumps form one thing to the other never getting anything done.. she has a teaching called the 'Junkie Mind' she was an addict before becoming a nun and has a wonderful perspective.

later.. Sam

[sam sarrha]

31. here is the address for Venerable Bobina Courtin's "Junkie Mind", ..LINK>

http://www.dharmafriendship.org/audio/index.html

and a lot of other interesting stuff..

i copy to a CD or tape them and listen to them while commuting, it calms the mind in traffic, and while doing dishes etc

[chill_wind]

8. Have these been the LONGEST, most surreal 6 years

of your life? Is that just me? They have mine. Almost ALL downturn, yet with still much I have to remind myself to be grateful for, while feeling the pain and cold pit in my stomach for far too many Americans around me hit even harder and worse then my family. But then, as like you, when one begins to enumerate even a portion of all the surreal chaos and cataclysm this government has openly wrought and/or failed to cope with, the rapidity of change in just these few years is mind-reeling.

But I think wiser people here than me might be right when they observe just how much the whole escalating, crumbling mess is beginning to collapse under its own suddenly massively converging weight. These people are finished. They know it.


We can reclaim and rebuild it. But only if we always, always have good people like you around with long memories. That's going to be an extremely vital thing. We can't let ourselves ever forget. Ever.

[RethugAssKicker]

9. One good thing happening... Many CEOs/CIOs

are finding that outsourcing is not the panacea they thought it would be. I just read a pretty good article in a business magazine, that after a few years(3-5) many companies are finding that their net expenses are not that much less when outsourcing than when doing the work domestically..and that the quality,management and inconvenience is not worth it... I hope this continues as a trend !!

And IMO if we had a congress that would just put a SMALL tax on this practice... it may sure kill this whole outsourcing thing altogether!!

Stupidness eventually drowns itself. I believe things will come around.

[tlsmith1963]

12. I Miss Mine, Too

I had just come back from years of depression when these neocon jerks took over. I feel like they took my more hopeful future away from me, & I am angry. I am also fed-up with the hardcore conservatives in this country. I have never seen a more naiive & stupid bunch of people in my life. I'm tired of our do-nothing media, & I'm tired of feeling that all I can do is wait until the country collapses. Why don't the people in this country protest like the Mexicans are doing? Have we become so fat, lazy, & stupid that we don't even care anymore? It's going to take years before I will ever get over this era, that's for sure.

Tammy

[Jim Warren]

13. A wink and a nod.........

Too beat myself right now for much more than that, but saying I hear you, it's tough and I'm feeling it too.

[blue cat]

14. You are not alone.

I'm having trouble forgiving the mean-spirited repubs in my family. Listening to them for even minutes leads me to believe that there is no hope for change.

[pitohui]

16. don't forgive, if you forgive, nothing gets better

wasn't that really the great mistake of clinton, that he did not see that the iran/contra criminals and their associates were aggressively prosecuted once the democrats had some power?

many of the architects of today's troubles would still be serving prison sentences if not for forgiveness

never forgive a great wrong until the perpetrator has actually had to pay the price of that wrong

forgiveness can be a very bad thing

progressives are WAY too quick to forgive

hold onto your anger, it's sacred

why should i forgive * eating birthday cake while an older couple i knew drowned in their own house? i shouldn't forgive it, i don't have the right to forgive it

[Bullwinkle925]

17. I think many of us feel the same. Thankfully we have this website to

be able to vent and share with others who feel the same.
My hope is that people outside of America realize that this schmutz does not represent the true MAJORITY of the populace here. I hope that they have empathy and sympathy for us.

Keep your chin up. Every day is a day closer to this clown going back to Crawford - permanently.

[blues90]

18. I don't even want him in crawford

He should be sent up on the next shuttle along with his buddies , it may take several launches .

Today I attempted to chill out a bit and not read anything about the many horrors going on none stop and ever extending . oddly enough while flipping through the direct tv I came across The Day The Earth Stood Still and watched it , have'nt seen it in I can't recall how many years . 1951 is was 2 but I remember this being a favorite of mine while I was still young and it was still a faily new movie in the late 50's .

This did a few things , one was it made me sad that the world has changed so much , the commercials were all todays high tech , cold and empty rapid flashing of utter none-sense in vivid color , some really horrible stuff . This gave the simplicity of the 50's perspective , simple footage , applies today and without high action the point was put forth .

I was glad but at the same time sad I had watched it . It brought back memories for certain .

This brings what I feel more into focus , it is difficult for me to revisit the past , whether older music or books or film , even alot of art I admire brings home the inner feelings . Before all of what horrors have hit I enjoyed talking about the good days , sure you would laugh and cry but this always helped . Here is just another part that possibly has been destroyed for years to come if not forever . There are times when I wish I could not recall the past .

I know this sounds all so gloomy and depressing , but memories are part of the future as well as the past .

[Bullwinkle925]

20. I must confess to flipping on the tv each morning to see if * has dropped

dead or been killed. Sadly, neither has happened as yet. My only hope is that he gets his ass back to Texas as soon as possible.

Did you serve in Viet Nam? I lost a high school friend there and think of him often - esp. when I look at that smug smirk on
Dubya's face.

[blues90]

22. I did not serve in vietnam but

I had quite a few friends and fellow workers who were drafted and either never came back or did return but they were never the same since , a few could not live with it , one killed himself two years ago and never seemed to have a hold on life all the years he tried , it was as if he was stripped of all his humor he always had before and seemed to have aged 10 years in advance . He stood on the electic rails of the chicago elevated train system .

[mmonk]

19. Welcome to the club.

I'm not really a happy person much anymore. There's not much to believe in right now.

[lostnfound]

23. Maybe it's time to rethink your attachments.

I don't mean that harshly at all, but as much as we all love the U.S. where we were raised, thinking that the weakening of our country is like the end of the world is too much nationalism, isn't it? The world is bigger than just the U.S.

I know what you mean, though. But when I get too depressed about it, I remember to relax a bit and to believe that..maybe God has a bigger plan. We will live through this (or our children will) and the world will be different but not necessarily worse..Latin America may become the powerhouse of this hemisphere..the US may become less materialistic and more community oriented..perhaps the people will rediscover what it means to be a citizen and take the reins of government back into their own hands..

Who knows?

I am angry about it all, too. But as far as forgiving, well, if you're worried about focusing on forgiving then you're focused on judging or blaming; instead let's focus on winning and on educating and on creating alternatives. Hope can grow in the darkest hardest places.

If you want some inspiration, remember that there's a world out there beyond the U.S., and there are millions more like you who want democracy, peace, and prosperity for ordinary people.

We need to work to make our country be the best that it can be, and it's very sad to think of all that Bush has thrown away. But seeing goodness triumph in the world will be the best part, if Arundhati Roy is right is saying "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing."

Remember that it's been this dark before, or darker, during the Revolution, the Civil War, the Holocaust...Evil won't prevail.

[blues90]

24. some of this is true but

I can look at my lifetime and reflect and I see a time of real hope go progressively down the drain . It is not only the last 6 years , it was a slow loss due primarily to greed and an easy way out . Material items mean way too much to too many people because they can own it and keep it .

We have raped the land and dumbed down the population into swill of meaningless garbage . It is all things and money here not people as a person .

so much damage has been done with this runaway government and this was made possible because of apathy and a joint effort but the greedy who are after all considered people but are people who care nothing other than about themselves , this has become a prominent factor , something we have never seen the likes of in this country before . Sure it may change but not in my time , and if this sounds selfish it is not designed to . What is truly disheartening is the fact that all of us played a part in this mess and even though we now see the result we allow it to continue , what does this say to the young or the others who may see a change when we allowed this waste in time knowingly ?

As i sit here and type this how many people died or suffered a direct result of one of these new found bush horrors . Oh my world is gone and has certainly changed it's face and skin and I will have to accept this at the price i have paid and I know it won't come back , it is the world falling down around me and here at home that puts me in this state of depression and feeling of loss . The bush madness has affected and reached out to infect most of the globe so all of this must find a way out or we all loose .

[lostnfound]

28. I personally feel a sense of responsibility for what I haven't done

especially during the 80s and 90s. But I do think that hope can be a conscious choice; there's a reason that people say it dies last, and a reason why it was the only thing that stayed in Pandora's Box when all the evil escaped.

It is disheartening but I tend to believe that there is some reality outside of time where these things will be shadows on the cave. Still, we have a test to face in how we spend our time on earth, whether or not we believe in the great beyond, for who we are and what we've done and whether we kept fighting and never gave up matters.

There's a poem by Drew Dellinger that keeps sticking in my head, especially the phrase "my great, great, grandchildren won't let me sleep; My great, great, grandchildren ask me in dreams what did you do while the planet was plundered? what did you do when the earth was unraveling?"

Excerpt from Poem by Drew Dillinger (the rest is in my journal)
It's 3:23 in the morning and I'm awake
because my great, great, grandchildren won't let me sleep.
My great, great, grandchildren ask me in dreams
what did you do while the planet was plundered?
what did you do when the earth was unraveling?
surely you did something when the seasons started failing
as the mammals, reptiles and birds were all dying?
did you fill the streets with protest when democracy was stolen?
what did you do
once
you
knew

[Voltaire99]

25. Well, I'm sympathetic...

...having often felt during these past several years as you describe. Still, we must find new reasons for joy.

Hoping for the return of "the old America" is fruitless. An ethos has passed from us and a new, crass, violent, material age is here: a time of stupid marvels, base mystics, idiot princes, soldier-rapists, CEO cannibals, religious vampires, and useless politicians of every stripe.

Later a new America may be possible to create, not immediately but in the future after the present crises have left their terrible mark. Understanding that this re-creation is only partly in our hands and largely in those of forces beyond our control is, I would gently submit, one step toward being free of gloom.

Another is this: history is a trickster, you never know where it will lead. It can be unkind both to tyrants and idealists. Historical crises also remake how men and women think. I don't think, for instance, that the present banal American identity of I-Got-Mine is going to survive the next few years; too much is waiting to smash it, and it will turn into I-Lost-Mine. There is a chance, anyway, that what emerges after this chastening will be an improvement.

Meantime, as Candide says, we must tend our garden. Revivify yourself, Blues90, in whatever personal way makes sense, and good luck.

[Swamp Rat]

26. .

:hug:

[Skittles]

27. I am with ya, blues

the country I knew is long gone

[BrklynLiberal]

29. You are definitely not alone...

:(

[misternormal]

32. Couldn't have stated my own feelings better...

I'm with you... peace.