Rapture ready board offers "rapture letter" to explain your whereabouts

[Bluebear]

In my post of July 12:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=1620096

you could see how the rapture ready message board is "happy and excited!" over the Middle East war.

Today's tip from that board offers you a "Rapture letter" that you should send to family and friends who will be wondering "where you are" soon. (Either that or they will be doing Snoopy dances):
=====
Dear Friend;

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently
disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you
and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken
up to heaven.

If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation,
the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers
in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)

In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came
to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of
God in order to believe this.

I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all
these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have
so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.

It will sound like the truth!

But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh,
came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him
and made Him their Lord.

If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is
not too late. First you must pray to God saying"Father I admit I am a
sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was
your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be
forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus
name I pray."

If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God
will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have
also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to
bring others to Christ.

God bless you.

http://www.raptureletters.com/letter.html

[tanyev]

1. They should include the location of a spare key and their alarm code

so someone can get in and feed their pets.

[Joe Bacon]

29. But WHO will send these letters?

I mean if ALL the folks belonging to Calvary Chapels float off, who will be left to send the e-mails?

[NMMNG]

31. Precisely what I was going to ask.

It's all such a crock of poo. :rofl:

[Joe Bacon]

34. Frankly, I can't wait

Who needs to go to garage sales after THE GREAT FLOAT OFF?

According to the Republicans, a lot of rich white people are going to float off, so that mean I should be able to pick up a BMW and some Beverly Hills properties for bargain basement prices!

[NMMNG]

46. I just want me some cash

Give me some rich slimeball's bank book, let me clean out his account and I'll be happy. I don't need a huge house or expensive car. I just need money to live on and help other people out with.

[jmowreader]

53. This works on a "dead man switch"

The fundamentalist who owns this site has to send a command to the server to get it to not send out the rapture letters; otherwise, every Friday after the rapture hits, fifty brazillion nonbelievers will be spammed with this rapture letter.

This leaves out a couple of points.

Point 1: The server can apparently tell the difference between a General Rapture--Jesus came to earth, rounded up everyone except the fundamentalists, and took 'em to Heaven with Him. Leaving the followers of Falwell and Robertson on Earth to contend with the Devil...and a Specific Rapture--the guy who owns the Rapture Letters site was hit by a logging truck, leaving no one to push the Big Red Button that will keep the letters locked up in his server.

Point 2: This letter says that, after the rapture hits, you can pray the sinner's prayer and become a believer, and then you'll go to heaven too. Okay, I'm shaking my head over this one, evilDUers. According to rapture theology, when this rapture hits God pulls out the Holy Hoover and sucks up all the fundamentalists, leaving the rest of us to deal with the Debbil and his minions. Now that's pretty ironclad: believe BEFORE the rapture or get poked in the ass with a pitchfork for the next thousand years. According to THIS asshole, though, once the Debbil starts running around jabbing people in the ass, you can jump to your knees, claim you love Jesus and go straight to Heaven when you die. So which is it? Do I have to believe now, or can I wait to believe until this rapture happens? Or do these people really not know what the hell they're preaching? (Don't answer that.)

[grytpype]

2. :rofl:

:rofl:

Some people find reality boring.

[Joe Bacon]

39. Wow, look at the letter Bush gets!

Dear George

This message has been sent to you by people who can't stand your guts. They have recently
disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they rejoicing seeing you're getting what you deserve!

This may come as a shock to you, but all them damn liberals, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, Gays, Lesbians and people of color that you despise have been taken up to heaven.

I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. It's such a shame that you still have to watch the same old folks on FOX and CNN making up lies about the mass dissapearance!

It will sound like the truth! But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in His principles. All those rich white Republicans who only paid him lip service are stuck in the situation their stupidity, selfishness and ignorance has gotten them into.

If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is not too late. First you must give up the cocaine and the "special" massages you get from Jeff Gannon.

You shouldn't just pray in public, you should also follow the teachings of our Lord. Read those Beatitudes for a start.

In the meantime, have fun in the irradiated cinder that used to be the Earth!

[renate]

50. "all those rich white Republicans who only paid him lip service"

Boy, do those people get my goat.

I have a certain amount of sympathy for GOOD people who believe in this stuff. I mean, if they're raised to believe in this, and soaked in a culture that predicts the rapture, I can't criticize people for being credulous. But the ones who are only Christian in public but mean in their hearts... well, I do have a different kind of sympathy for them, in that I wouldn't want to have that ugliness in my heart.

Nice satire, by the way! :applause:

[Catch22Dem]

3. Reminds me of Landoverbaptist.com

Which is a satire site. I don't think this is satire though. These fuckjobs are just insane.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

4. Oh for Christ's sake...

Those fundies are the dumbest idiots.
The world is not going to end. The people in that part of the world have been fighting for centuries and will be fighting for centuries after these fundies die a natural death. Good God. All the rapture and armageddon stuff was written to give the Roman christians who were being persecuted hope that there was more to look forward to. It is not meant to be taken literally. Sadly, these people are no better than their fundamentalist muslim counterparts, uneducated and gullible. :eyes:
Duckie

[knitter4democracy]

10. If it were going to happen, it would've already.

WWI sure sounded a lot more like Revelations than this does. Those dips don't know history.

[longship]

21. The problem is... self-fulfilling prophecy.

These fucking nutjobs are in power in this country. They run the Executive, Legislative, and the better part of the Judiciary. This is the most fucked-up bunch of people on the planet. And they have the power to bring about horrendous events in the name of their Holy Hell Rapture.

[Avalux]

5. How many times does th word "rapture" appear in the bible?

ZERO.

Some dude in the 1800's came up with it while reading Paul; thought Paul was speaking in code. :rofl:

[Dr.Phool]

6. Send it to every freep you know!!!

They'll think they were left behind!

:rofl: :rofl:

[Extend a Hand]

15. bahahahahahahahahaha

:rofl: :rofl:

:toast: now you're going to hell for that one-- I probably will too for laughing so hard ;)

[C_U_L8R]

7. Here's a prank

on a certain day.. a bunch of us (i mean a whole big bunch of us) "disappear"
and see if the rapture-readies totally freak out that they might have been left behind.
Lord knows how we'd keep the whole gag secret... but it could be terribly funny.

[Bluebear]

8. ...

:spray:

[Kip Humphrey]

52. We don't need to disappear, just leave piles of clothes in the streets ;-)

In the vicinity of their havens, er, churches.
Throw in some white robes with gold trim for good measure.

[Bill McBlueState]

9. they love to imagine that scenario

So much of their excitement comes from picturing the rest of us looking around, wondering, "Where did all the nutjobs go?" They fail to understand that the rest of us *know* about rapture theology; we just think it's stupid.

[journalist3072]

11. It would be great if we could have a MATURE discussision on this

Without making fun of these people.

I believe they are probably sincere in their desire to want to see their loved ones/friends saved.

I do, however, disagree with their notion that all of sudden, millions of people are going to disappear, and folks remaining here on earth are going to be wondering where people went.

The Bible is very clear that the Rapture is not some secret event. When it happens, EVERYONE will know aobut it, whether or not you were raptured up or not.

So on that, I disagree with them.

But I don't think we should be making fun of them.

[Bluebear]

12. I don't think they're funny, I think they're dangerous. nt

[journalist3072]

13. How so? eom

[Vinnie From Indy]

14. Can you imagine the carnage and rage after the Rapture event?

In reality, there will be millions of fundies running around all rumpled and dusty and stuff wondering why THEY were not chosen. That wonderment will quickly turn to rage and violence as they are told that all those nights watching "Desperate Housewives" and porn cost them their seat on God's Heaven Express. It won't be pretty!

[Bluebear]

16. They ENCOURAGE the end of the world.

They vote for and support candidates that will hurry on their rapture.

[journalist3072]

18. Well, the rapture is going to happen whether they "encourage" it or not

And the Bible encourages the rapture. In Revelation, it says "even so, come, Lord Jesus."

Revelation 22:20:

"He that testifieth these things saith "Surely I come quickly." Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus."

And there is nothing that any of us can do to "hurry" the rapture. Jesus is not coming back before his Father wants him to.

[Bluebear]

23. Whatever gets you through the night. nt

[Lydia Leftcoast]

30. However, the Rapture is totally made up

The Bible says that Jesus will return one day, but it does not talk about the Rapture, not even in Revelation, which has always been a controversial book.

Most scholars believe that it was an allegory about standing up to Roman persecution.

[MarkDevin]

48. I've never read the Bible. Personally, I prefer non-fiction.

Sorry, couldn't resist!

[Amonester]

27. They 'give' enough votes to the neoCON Reptiles so Karl

has a lot less 'troubles' to steal them with proprietary software, and makes the stolen elections still 'appear' like ligit.

See where these nuts got US?

Almost bankrupt, no more WTC (all warnings willfully ignored) , no more NO & Gulf States, thousands upon thousands of innocents dead, systematic and (of course) illegal torture, (illegal, again) eavesdropping, lies, fear-mongering, super-riches become richer, poor & working class become poorer, and on, and on...

On edit: cut 'has' from title and forgot to paste it in subject.

[Zhade]

43. Um, because they're currently cheering on the chaos in the Middle East?

Because they're a death cult that advocates the END OF THE WORLD so their purported savior can return?

Yeah, nothing dangerous there. :eyes:

[cushla_machree]

22. These people aren't sincere

Most of them believe they will be in the bandstands in heaven watching down on the rest of us who will all burn in hell eternally for our crime of not being 'born again.'

[Zhade]

42. The bible is clear? Honey, it's not even IN the bible.

It was made up in the 1800s.

[MarkDevin]

49. A mature discussion about people who think a huge invisible man...

...lives in the sky?

You might as well try having a mature discussion about the existential motifs of "Punky Brewster."

[Just Me]

17. For people who love life, they sure seem ready to end theirs,....

,...and everyone else's, too.

I think these people are suffering, have no faith in humanity (even though Jesus stated we can do greater things than he) and have a desperate need to justify/escape it.

I am sad for them.

[Wise Child]

19. Satan (and the Anti-Christ) takes control, after The Rapture,

Will their server still be up? Would the sinister authorities shut it down? Also consider ecological disaster, and strange supernatural phenomenon. Didn't they learn anything from the Y2K paranoia? This has a double meaning in that they should chill out and digital technology could conceivably go *poof* (not that their server would be Raptured, just that leaving it unattended would be hazardous to them delivering their message). Churches that prepared for the Rapture in the past handed out leaflets.

[dflprincess]

26. Then the Rapture must have happened already

because the anti-Christ is running the U.S. :evilgrin:

[rucky]

20. Is this a suicide cult?

"I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all
these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have
so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.

It will sound like the truth!..."

[smokey nj]

35. More like a murder-suicide cult. n/t

[Digit]

24. A former neighbor gave me a VHS tape labeled "Vanished"

This was just before 2000 when she must have figured she was going to be raptured on New Year's.

Of course I never watched it.

[AngryOldDem]

25. What are they all gonna do....

...when nothing happens?

All dressed up and noplace to go.

[Berry Cool]

32. Oh well, Raptures are like buses.

If you don't catch this one, another will be along later. :shrug:

[PatriotMom]

28. OMG I'm speechless...HA HA HA HA HA

I saved the link in my "HUMOR" file of saved websites, can't wait to let my "Too Born Again For Her Own Shirt" sister see that. I must send her one of those letters...roflmao

[peekaloo]

33. Dear Mr. Kotter

Juan will not be present in class today due to the Second Coming.

Signed,

Epstein's Mother.

[smokey nj]

36. .........

:rofl:

[Skidmore]

37. A magic spell---a talisman to save you from all the

hate and destruction that you allowed to fester in the world.

[datasuspect]

38. i read shit like this and it makes me want to listen to slayer

real fuckin loud.

a little something that warms the cockels of my black heart:

Waiting the hour destined to die
Here on the table of hell
A figure in white unknown by man
Approaching the altar of death
High priest awaiting dagger in hand
Spilling the pure virgin blood
Satans slaughter, ceremonial death
Answer his every command

Death will come easy just close your eyes -
Dream of the friends youll see
Heavenly failure losing again
Move on to a new form of life

Altar of sacrifice, curse of the damned
Confronting the evil you dread
Coalesce into one your shadow and soul
Soon you will meet the undead

(lead: hanneman)

Confronting the evil you dread
Coalesce into one your shadow and soul
Soon you will meet the undead]

Enter to the realm of satan!

(lead: hanneman)

Blood turning black, the change has begun
Feeling the hatred of all damned in hell
Flesh starts to burn, twist and deform
Eyes dripping blood realization of death
Transforming of five toes to two
Learn the sacred words of praise, hail satan

(lead: hanneman)

A gift of powers disposed upon you
Use them when you feel the need
Master the forces and powers of satan
Controlling the creatures instinct
Drawn to the castles that float in the sky
Learn to resist the temptation
Watching the angels sift through the heavens
Endlessly search for salvation

(lead: king)

[jazzjunkysue]

40. When they're all gone, we can finally pass some sane legislation.

I say, let's do this! Bring it on! What's the hold up? I wanna start the un-repentant sinning as soon as possible!

[Lindacooks]

41. Here's my question: Who's going to click 'Send'?

Or are they employing some heathens to send these emails after they're lifted up?

[Bluebear]

47. ...

:spray:

I think you may have a great new business idea! "Let US send your rapture letters! Heathens-R-Us"

[Lindacooks]

56. LOL! I think you're right!!

[Minnesota_Lib]

44. I really, really wish they would disappear.

[Minnesota_Lib]

45. Liberalism is number 29 on their Rapture Index....

..but is currently adding only 2 points to their Master-Rapturebating total.

Perhaps they can help usher in Rapture Mania 2006<tm> by voting for all liberal candidates this coming November, thus putting their index into the stratosphere. Just a thought. }(

http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html

[Dead_Parrot]

51. Ooh, I like it...

:evilgrin:

[Kip Humphrey]

54. God! I hope they take GW with them when they go! Its soon, right?

Best laugh I've had in a month! Great post lines, people!

[Kip Humphrey]

55. We're gettig Google JESUS ads for Christ's Sake!

My sides are splitting!!!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: