Cindy Lou & Jim Get Raptured......a cautionary tale

[SoCalDem]

All through the McMansion there has been a super-charged atmosphere for weeks, as the family gets ready for their big trip.. Cindy cannot tear herself from the TV. Fox News is sending her "signals"..It's all falling into place.. It's TIME to get ready..The anticipation is so great that the whole family is almost in danger of being mistaken for Shakers..

Sometimes it seems as if there is too much to do, to ever get ready, but then this trip requires no packing (all worldly goods will be left behind)...but Jim has faithfully been washing and waxing the cars..(cleanliness IS next to Godliness, after all)

Cindy Lou still has Consuela dust all the treasures and wax the antique furniture.

The best part of the whole anticipation is that Cindy Lou has finally been able to give up that darned daily trip to the gym. She wonders aloud sometimes, if her gym-buddies miss her. (Jesus loves her just as she is). Of course while the pre-Rapture time passes, there's no need to pass up all those "forbidden fruits"...and she's not talking about APPLES..

Gluttony is a sin, but even Jesus will surely be in favor of the family savoring the last few bits of "worldly goods", so the Domino's guy has been getting a real workout, and those "all-you-can-eat" places are a treasure too (especially the dessert table), now that dieting is not necessary. Those expensive size 2's can just hang there for all eternity.. Cindy Lou won't be needing them when she meets Jesus.

Jim is having a "wardrobe" quandary though, and has faithfully been researching the exact time-frame of the rapture itself.. You see, he is wondering if he should swallow those little pills as he gets raptured, because if he puts them in his pockets, they will get left behind. He's hoping that things "up there" will be so perfect that the little pills won't be necessary for his issues "down there", but the Bible does say "Always Be Prepared"...(or.. that was the boy scouts manual.)... anyway he's thinking that if he swallows them really fast, he and Cindy Lou can truly "christen" their new digs up there with Jesus. Surely Jesus will be distracted at SOME point, what with all the fellow Christians arriving en masse.. Perhaps they can sneak off to a secluded place and have some privacy. Rumor has it that privacy still might exist "up there"..

The children are have a few difficulties preparing for their journey. Sixteen year old Tiffani swears it's because she's rather attached to her charge cards, and her Morris Minor, but unbeknownst to the parents, it's really because her secret boyfriend just happens to be named Carlos, and being Catholic, he's being left behind. This will come as good news to his Mom, Consuela.

Jacob Lucas (aged 18, and a freshman in college) is not all that happy to leave his friends. He's seriously thinking of converting to the Baha'i faith just in case. He says he will, but he may not actually have time, since Mom & Dad are pretty sure this whole thing's going down pretty soon. Jake has always been a procrastintor, so he still carries around the unread flyers about the faith. He may get around to reading them after the Beer Bash this weekend.

One good thing about the rapture is that Mom & Dad have given him full use of the credit cards, so he's having a really great time driving around in the Hummer, and filling it up with premium..(no one's going to actually have to pay the bill anyway). His friends are enjoying the fact that Jake's paying no matter where they go or how much the tab is.

Both kids really want to stay behind, especially if it means that Mom & Dad WON'T be staying, but in their heart of hearts they know they too will probably end up raptured too, so they plan on having as much fun as they can while they can.



whooooooosh.....

Cindy Lou looks around and is a bit startled to see some blank stares, where she expected smiles...but then, dental work apparently gets left behind too.. It's rather stuffy, and smells faintly of fish sauce and Shalimar perfume. There are quite a few bald men (toupees get left too), but at least blonde women are not extinct here..

She and her family take cuts to speed up their turn to get to the front of the line..

Finally it's their turn..

Well THAT was a big surprise..

It turns out that the Rapture is not what they expected. It's really about attonement, and there's been someone keeping score. Apparently being nice to only the people you LIKE, is not that much of a virtue, and not paying your fair share is not acceptable either.The rapture seems to be the protestant version of Purgatory..and Cindy Lou's not a happy camper.. The scene from that old movie keeps running through her mind.. "IT'S A COOKBOOK"!!

So, for eternity they get to defy gravity, BUT, they must look down for all eternity and see what they have left behind..they must watch as Carlos drives that shiny Hummer, and checks the time on Jim's Rolex..Cindy has to watch as Consuela puts her FEET up on that Chippendale table while she and her family wait for their catered meal to arrive. She has to watch Consuela interview housekeepers..She has to watch as Consuela pours her expensive perfume (Freedom Perfume) into the bath water.. She has to watch as Consuela puts her precious shitzu, Mitzi-Pitzi on the back porch.

The "left behinders" are very tired.. They have spent days just picking shit up.. Its been a veritable "Easter Egg Hunt"..with Faberge eggs..and gems...and cell phones dancing on concrete..and designer clothes..and those damned little blue pills.. The neighborhood dogs are going CRAZY after mistaking them for doggy treats... All over the place people are saying THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING THESE ASSHOLES OFF OUR HANDS..as they survey their new digs, and toodle around on less crowded freeways.

PS..God is a Divorced Gay Black Woman named Edith...she wears a purple, beaded caftan with Mardi Gras beads..and red flip-flops...Jesus is half black-half Chinese

[RoBear]

1. Hehehe!

:rofl:

[swimboy]

2. Great piece! Recommended!

Going up didn't go down as they anticipated!

[SoCalDem]

3. Thanks I'm still editing.. trying to catch errors..

:)
I am SO hoping it's this way:)

[PA Democrat]

13. Hey you could sell the screenplay and call it the

I'd Rather be Left Behind series.

[SoCalDem]

14. Wanna buy it?

wanna write it?

[Champion Jack]

4. Well Done!! There's a movie script in there

[SoCalDem]

5. I see Brittney as Cindy Lou and Tom Cruise as Jim

:rofl:

[CatWoman]

6. ROFL!!!

K&R!!!

:D

[radwriter0555]

7. Why don't the people who are being raprtured give all their stuff away

before the big one?

I asked a guy to give me his car.. he wouldn't...

Why is that? Don't they BELIEVE?

[SoCalDem]

8. they like their stuff too much.. and are hedging their bets

[MikeNearMcChord]

9. Excellent and funny,

:applause: :applause: :rofl: :applause: :applause:
May I have permission to e-mail this to a couple of friends?(with credit to you of course)

[SoCalDem]

10. but of course :)

:)

[zbdent]

11. I imagine it more as Cindy Lou and Jim sit around the house

wondering where their maid and gardener went, and one of the kids, the "strange one" that never really mastered the total acceptance of what the parents were trying to instill in him/her ... and hung around with the "same-sex" friends a bit too much after he/she should have been getting hot and bothered over the opposite sex ... of course, all their own "friends" are still in their mcMansions, wondering where their help went, also ...

[SoCalDem]

12. HBO has been showing "A Day Without Mexicans"

Kind of a prescient movie..

[bleever]

15. I enjoyed that.

K&R.

[SoCalDem]

16. a kick for the afternooners

:)

[bleever]

19. Bob Bell for President.

Sure couldn't hurt. Even though he's passed away.

[SoCalDem]

21. Who's Bob Bell?

was he Bozo? Even though I was born in 1949, I never saw Bozo.. (I lived outside the US without TV until 1962)

[bleever]

22. Bob Bell was Bozo on the Chicago version of Bozo's Circus.

I'm pretty sure that's him on the left. Here's a good page, if you're interested:

http://www.tvparty.com/lostbozo.html

[Swamp Rat]

17. LOL!... gives a new meaning to 'horn-dogs'

:D

[SoCalDem]

18. Especially if they happened to be Dacschunds

:rofl:

[lolly]

20. I'm lovin' it!

Good job!

[tomreedtoon]

23. To nitpick, the "cookbook" attribution was wrong.

It was not a "scene from an old movie." It was the episode of the classic...not the so-so CBS version, or the absolutely crappy Canadian version...of "The Twilight Zone." Specifically the episode "To Serve Man."

Read all about it...

http://members.cox.net/kaiotea/serveman.htm

And to nitpick further, who exactly are these guys? They seem like the idle rich. Not the politically active rich, like the Bushies and their supporters, and not the working rich, dedicated to building their wealth.

In fact, the diet pills and clothing fetishes sound more like trailer trash than anybody who was actually rich. And since they don't have any really defined political views, aside from living a life of wanton excess, this is as much a moral tale as anything the Christian TV stations push.

[SoCalDem]

24. Right you are... How could I forget the Twilight Zone..?

I especially love the episode with the "kill button" in the box... and the nerdy guy who just wants to read..and after the bomb drops, and he's the only one left..he breaks his glasses...on the steps of the library....

RIP Rod Serling:)

[tomreedtoon]

26. Sadly, Mr. Serling isn't resting at peace.

Mostly because of the lousy 2002 Canadian TV series that used his show's name, but turned out worthless bits of quasi-censored horror instead of thoughtful, ironic stories.

Let's put it this way. If it were possible to harness a turbine to Serling's grave, Peekskill, New York would have no energy crisis for the next century.

Forrest Whittacker (the show's host), and producers Ira Steven Behr and Pen Densham, are at the top of my list for vengeance if and when I win the Lotto.

[Felinity]

25. Congratulations on your theological perspective

No scholar could fault your painstaking adherence to sound theological principles and thorough understanding of this often misunderstood phenonmenon.

Very instructive. And I quite agree with your interpretation, except for the part when something acutally happens.

[SoCalDem]

27. Edith thanks you.. Here have a kitty

parody and sarcasm is not always understood :wink: