I Wanna Be A Crackhead Author

[kliljedahl]

Hello, I am an ex-hooker heroin addict with AIDS who eats live puppies.
Please read my book
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I shall start my story humbly, meekly, just like JT LeRoy and James Frey. Small town, somewhere in Idaho or maybe rural Montana, brought up by a sadistic pedophiliac Pentecostal preacher father who only has one good arm and a decimated colon, and a narcoleptic mother with 17 cats who sucks down cases of Tab and reads the "Left Behind" books as nonfiction and who passes out every night in a Percocet haze watching endless reruns of "Knight Rider."

Me and my two sadistic, ADD brothers will sneak off to the local zoo for days at a time and sleep with the monkeys and torture penguins with fireworks. I will suck on my first bong at age 4 and will be stone drunk by 7 and will regularly black out by age 10, but not before impregnating my pothead babysitter and stealing her credit card to buy a Game Boy and a small Cessna, which I will promptly fly all the way to Mexico before crashing into a tortilla factory and breaking my spine in 12 places and rupturing my kidneys, which I will pay a Mexican mafia doctor named Mannie 50 bucks to swap with black-market kidneys stolen from unwary tourists. Oh my yes. I can see it now.

Or no, no wait, better yet, I shall be from wealthy suburbia, Walnut Creek or Danville or someplace with a snooty-sounding name like Forest Hills or Blackthorne, full of condescending white kids and their new BMWs and sloppy sex and lousy cocaine, shiny happy families full of secret perversions masked by Botox smiles and copious antidepressants and huge credit-card debt and enormous thick-carpeted homes they think are architectural wonders but which look more like rejects from Barbie's Suicide Playhouse.

Trouble, it shall be my middle name. Trouble and abuse and violence. Because nothing bespeaks the modern American experience than this trifecta of pain and suffering and longing for death, don't you agree? No? Doesn't matter. This is, apparently, what the people want.

There will be rapes. There will be smack-downs. There will be arrests and confrontations and knife fights, guns and suicides and adultery and much, much vomit. Vomit is key. And blood. Lots of blood. Especially when it comes from, you know, orifices.

More Morford



Keith’s Barbeque Central

[annabanana]

1. lol - Get Oprah on the phone...

Redemption is just a book deal away!

[leftchick]

2. Now that was a good read!

Do suppose Oprah read it or even will get it?

<snip>

Nor do not wish to begrudge Frey or "LeRoy" their respective slices of hard-earned fame and fortune. After all, it's all artifice anyway, it's all a big inbred media show, isn't it? Aren't they just beating the nasty publishing/capitalist apparatus at its own game? Of course they are. Besides, who the hell expects honesty and raw truth in our nonfiction these days anyway?

It is the way of the world. After all, do we not expect to be misled if not royally screwed by our government leaders and our CEOs and every single ad campaign on television? Do we not expect duplicity and deviousness and deceit above all things? It's a reality TV, kick-the-bastard-off-the-island, lie-about-the-war, read-my-sordid-tell-all-blog culture, baby. If everyone seems to crave hyperbole and disloyalty and painful screaming death at the expense of heart and magic and imaginative power, why not give the people what they want? Who cares if you have to fake it? Just, you know, don't get caught.

[kliljedahl]

3. Kick, this is too good

Keith’s Barbeque Central

[kliljedahl]

4. Are you kidding, 2 responses?

[Solly Mack]

5. Upset?

:)

[kliljedahl]

6. A little, how could you tell?

It's so good & it died twice.


Keith’s Barbeque Central

[Solly Mack]

7. Sorry. It was good

Perhaps we should all write an "I've been redeemed " book. The juicier the better...heck, they might even make it a prime time TV series.

[3waygeek]

8. How did Morford

get hold of *'s mail? Does he work for the NSA?

[MisterP]

9. is this about "Million Little Pieces"? It reminds me of Michael Reagan...

[AZBlue]

10. Mark Morford rocks!!!

[SmokingJacket]

11. I love Mark Morford.

Yes, I do. I would have his babies.

I wonder if the self-absorbed-memoir is era is now officially winding to a close. As a fiction person, I sure as hell hope so.

[ScreamingMeemie]

12. As one who enjoyed Mr. Frey's books (both of them), embellished

or not, all I can say is jealousy is a destructive thing.