I just learned some of the details of my Best Friends Death. The Horror...

[Up2Late]

...the Horror. I'm not kidding, the mental image I now have is haunting me.

I should say that, in 1998 I began studying Tibetan Buddhism and by 2001, even though I hadn't planned to, I had pretty much become a Buddhist, that hasn't changed. The Buddha teaches that, the best way to die, so that your spirit can make a smooth transition to you next state of being, is to pass quietly, in a peaceful setting, which is not the way, I feel, my friend died.

Warning: If stories of death give you nightmares, you might not want to read this.

I first heard about my childhood best friend's death 2 Sundays ago when I was over visiting my parents at their house. My Dad yelled down from upstairs that he had just read an email from my Sister and, "Hey! Randy just died." He died on Saturday, July 15, 2006.

I posted about it here Monday Jul-17-06 04:34 AM: <http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=221&topic_id=38156&mesg_id=38156>

I did make the trip to the Memorial service, which was last Wednesday in my home town in Indiana, and I'm glad I did, because I was able to get a bunch more information that the original e-mail didn't contain. Here's what the first e-mail said:

Dear ---,

It is with an incredibly sad and heavy heart that I write to tell you
my brother, Randall Atwater passed away last night at 6:22 p.m. at
Elkhart General Hospital. The doctors say that he basically developed an
overwhelming blood infection, which ultimately destroyed his kidneys and
liver. While it probably took some time to manifest the devastating
shutdown of the organs, the disease itself probably manifested over quite a
long period of time. By the time he reached the hospital for his two and a
half day stay, he was already in a coma out of which he never came. The
only blessing is that he didn't suffer for an extremely long period of time.
I am ever so grateful that I could be with him toward and up to the end,
as we were extremely close. I shall miss him terribly....

Well, that's only part of the story. Turns out he tested positive for HIV in 1988. He never told any of his closest friends, me being one of them. I knew him for 32 years, we met in the 4th grade when I was 10 and he told me he was pretty sure he was Gay or Bi about when he was 12, more about that at the link above. He never told any of the girls that he slept with while growing up that he was Gay, or at least not the 3 who were at the Memorial service last week.

Well, a few days ago, I sent out an e-mail to the 3 women that I had seen at the service, and the other day opened the replies, which contained the disturbing details of how he actually died. First I should say that, his parents have always been very wealthy, so affording the Hospital bills, though concerning to anyone, were probably not a huge problem for them.

Here's what the e-mail said:

"...Vickie said he struggled when he passed. They, his folks and Vickie had to make the decision after 4 days to have them turn off the ventilator to see if he could breathe on his own.

He never regained consciousness but when they turned the vent off, it seemed like he was trying to breathe but couldn't and his eyes opened wide then he kind of raised up a bit then that was it. At that point I was tearing up....

...I know did Lisa some kind of (psychic) reading on him and said he was not ready to go, that he was to be a teacher.
Did you see the thread her raike master sent? I think he is teaching us all something. He is still here. I know he is, watch for signs....

...She also said when she went in his closet, he had all his photo's arranged in piles and he had Christmas presents lined up and labeled for people for the next couple years. He planned this or sensed it coming..."

See, this is the most upsetting part to me, not the half truths, but that they shut off his ventilator after FOUR (4 ) DAYS! Four! Days!

O.K. maybe his condition was terminal, his Kidneys and liver had shut down, but it sounds like, though in a light Coma, that his brain was still very functional, and I can't help but think that it sounds like he basically suffocated.

When she says that they turned off his ventilator, this is trained Nurse writing that. I'd love it if someone could tell me that this is a normal reflex reaction, but I'm not sure I would believe that.

Then there was this, an e-mail from the other friend that had the Psychic reading done.

Here's what the Psychic said (in Italics):

...I asked my theta teacher to see if she could talk to Randy or find out some information and this is what she sent to me. Kathy already saw it last night cuz I checked email at her house. She knew nothing except his name, DOB and when he died. I sent it to Vickie also. I think she's really spot on:

Okay so this is only my second experience doing some really serious channeling. The "message" part flowed through as fast as I could type. let me know how you receive all of this. He was very happy about getting to talk.
Randy...

He first shows me a lot of energy stuck in his throat. His heart is also pretty tight. It almost feels like he couldn't breath very well. Or maybe choked.
Or problems with his heart. Anyway it's all up between his heart and his throat.

His heart was heavy. he was holding himself really tight--together. And he couldn't speak about what he was feeling. He had things in his life that he had resisted or not felt like he could do or was okay to do, and he held a lot inside regarding this. It feels like his whole life he had been choking off a lot.

something about the ring on his finger... sadness, heaviness, density. Either he was married and this made him sad, or he wasn't and this made him sad- heavy. He felt unable to change this situation. Something to deal with or ignore....

The rest of the "message" she claims to have channeled sounds like "make the family feel better about the death b/s," so I'll spare you that part.

But the part highlighted above about the throat, that part I can believe, as it corresponds with the Buddhist concepts and teachings about death and dying.

Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent all this built up anxiety.

I hope this doesn't cause anyone any bad dreams.

If you want to learn any more about the Buddhist teachings about death and dying, I encourage you to read "The Tibetan Book of the Dead."

Here's a few links:



<http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0713994142/sr=8-1/qid=1153989628/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-7711394-7614354?ie=UTF8>



<http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/1-59030-059-9.cfm>

[REP]

1. I'm Sorry About Your Friend

From what you describe, he had septicemia and was suffering the severe consequences of kidney and liver failure, which floods the body with toxin. which affects the heart and brain. It is extremely unlikely that he was capable of thinking or feeling anything at that stage. (I am a kidney patient myself, and that is probably how I will die someday, provided I am not hit by a truck first; it is said to be a painless death.)

[Up2Late]

4. I hope you're right.

It's a very troubling image.

I guess I'll try to sleep now,

Best of luck with your treatment,

Thanks :hug:

[niyad]

2. there isn't much one can say to help at a time like this, but know that

you are being sent good thoughts to help ease the pain of your loss. what burdens your friend must have carried, and may he be, at last, at peace.

[Dead_Parrot]

3. Oh, Shit.

Sadly, I know how you feel. I've seen friends die, including one who passed from having the life support powered down - in his case, a week after a traffic smash.

As painful as it sounds, sometimes you have to let them go. And having had 10 years to dwell on this, I hope - when it's my turn - someone will let me go, even if it is "too soon". I'm in no rush, but I'd rather be remembered as the one full of life, rather than the one on the ventilator.

I know that's how I remember Boff.

Damn. It's actually quite tricky to type when you're really crying.

:hug:

[Up2Late]

12. I know what you mean,

Thanks. :hug:

[BlueIris]

5. You have a PM.

[Up2Late]

6. Got it, Thanks.

Now you have one. ;-)

[sweetheart]

7. death beyond religion

Death makes your entire life bullshit. Don’t you see? That’s the problem. The body is going to die, every relation of the body is going to die. You can’t even depend on it continuing for another moment while you’re . . . associating with it. That’s the situation you’re in, but you use fabrications of mind and so forth, individually and collectively, that distract you from the fact of it, so that you won’t feel it profoundly. And so you build up this whole lifetime of endeavors, of attachments, of things you own, things you do, things you’re known for, things you know, things you know about — on and on and on. And it all passes. But in the meantime. . . you bullshit one another, effectively.

The Great Matter doesn’t confront you merely in death. It’s just that in death you are disarmed and you have no choice. While you are alive, you delude yourself! You fabricate a reality that’s not altogether true, in order to give yourself a sense of permanence, continuation, certainty — as if life is about being enthusiastic, about fulfillment of the next desire. In fact, you could easily drop dead in any moment. All kinds of people drop dead every day. And a lot of them haven’t lived a very long life beforehand. All kinds of terrible things are being done by human beings to one another and otherwise by the situation itself.

So you can participate in the round of desires and consolations as much as you are able for a lifetime, however long that lasts, and then be necessarily confronted by profundity at the point of death. Or you can go beyond even right now and exist in that profundity right now. . .

True religious life is a great profundity. But the religious life that people propose for themselves and propose to one another, generally speaking, is the life of consolation, of distraction, of arbitrary beliefs that suggest some kind of continuation (or even permanence) of the present pattern.

http://www.aboutadidam.org/dying_death_and_beyond/index.html

[Minnesota Libra]

8. I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend. I think..............

....you can take solace in the fact that he cared enough for family and friends to plan for their Christmas presents for the next couple of years. That to me was so sweet of him.

I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I hope Buddhism teaches that your friend is in a much better place now. Also, your friend may well continue to teach you things so just be open to the possibility.

Many :hug: to you :hug:

[Up2Late]

11. Thanks...

...the Christmas presents didn't surprise me at all, that's just the type of thing I would have expected of him.:hug:

[MuseRider]

9. I am so sorry.

This is very much like the situation I faced with my brother.

I am not Buddhist but was getting some reiki done by a woman who was and she spent a great deal speaking with me about this. She ended up taking a picture of my brother to her master, something about making his voyage easier. All I know is that is made me feel better and although I miss feeling him deeply with me I still know he is here in part.

Please feel free to PM if you need. AIDS is not an easy death, especially under circumstances like your friends and my brothers.

Do whatever you need to feel better so you can continue to remember him with peace. :hug:

[Up2Late]

10. Thank you, I'm sorry about your Brother...

...but one of the parts that bothers me most is how quickly they gave up on him.

I'm not saying that he should have gotten Liver and Kidney transplants, he probably couldn't have survived those surgeries, but couldn't they have waited until he got a little healthier, so that he could pass quietly? I don't know, maybe I've just seen too many Hollywood movies.

To be fair, it sounds like he was depressed (he was also diagnosed with Manic-Depression, though he was usually on the manic side), and it sounds like he knew his Liver was failing and decided to Drink himself into a coma, he was out at a Karaoke bar with one of the women that was at the memorial service the weekend before he died.

I don't think they found a suicide note, but he might have left some sort of "living will," I just don't know. It does sound like he did some planning.

Thanks again:hug:

[REP]

16. There Is No "Getting Better" At That Stage

I know you don't want to read a bunch of clinical stuff, but really - at that stage, leaving him on the vent was just prolonging dying. I could tell you great detail what happens with liver and kidney failure, toxemia and septicemia but that wouldn't bring you any peace. Just know that there was nothing kinder that could have been done; there was no way he could have gotten healthier; no way he could have had a transplant and that while his passing may have been distressing to see, he felt no pain.

Again, I am so sorry about your friend. I am not making things up to help you feel better; I really am a kidney patient and I have FSGS, a kidney disease that some AIDS patients often have and succumb to (mine is genetic, though). Kidney patients are told over and over what to expect at the very end of their lives and that it may distress their loved ones, but it is painless to the patient. Doctors really don't want patients to suffer; he was no doubt given pain meds just in case.

It's easy to say this and harder to do, but try to think less about the very end of his life and more about the rest of it and your friendship. Again, very easy to say, but I hope that trying will ease your burden a little.

[Up2Late]

20. Thanks again! Your "first hand" experiance has helped me feel much better

...about this whole thing.

Again, I hope you are right. :hug:

They did a "StoryCorps" report this morning on NPR's Morning Edition that you might want to hear. Below is the link and the story discription.

A Girl's Gift of Life, Recalled by Her Doctor

Listen to this story...

Morning Edition, July 28, 2006 · In his 24-year career as a pediatrician,
Dr. John Bancroft has treated thousands of children. But the story of
one young girl, whom he treated more than 10 years ago, has stayed with him.

The girl's condition was dire -- a sudden onset of liver failure -- and
her family's hopes hinged on an organ transplant. But a donor for the
girl could not be found before her condition had advanced too far for intervention.

Upon her death, the girl's family asked that their daughter's
organs -- her kidneys and pancreas -- be offered for donation so that
others could have an improved chance at life.

As Dr. John Bancroft told his own daughter, Carolyn, recently in New York,
it was the gift of life, as much as his patient's death, that has stuck with him.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

13. ...On one occasion the Buddha asked several of the monks,

"How often do you contemplate death?"

One of them replied, "Lord, I contemplate death every day."

"Not good enough," the Buddha said, and asked another monk, who replied,

"Lord, I contemplate death with each mouthful that I eat during the meal."

"Better, but not good enough," said the Buddha, "What about you?"

The third monk said, "Lord, I contemplate death with each inhalation and each exhalation."

<snip>

The contemplation of death has three benefits:

* relieving fear
* bringing a new quality to our lives, enabling us to live our lives with proper values, and
* enabling us to die a good death.

It enables us to live a good life and die a good death. What more could you want?

From: http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/death_jagaro.html

Things are as they should be.

Peace

K&R

[Up2Late]

14. Thank you for that and the excellent link...

...plenty of good stuff worth reading there.:pals:

[Behind the Aegis]

15. Sympathies.

It is hard to lose a friend and loved one. It is harder when you imagine the pain they may have suffered. I am going to tell you what I did when I lost my last friend to this disease, who happened to be a straight woman. After crying for a day or so, I went out "clubbing." As I walked around, I passed out condoms to people and reminded them the plague had not passed, and in the memory of Mary (my friend), I hoped that they would keep themselves safe.

Remember the good times and the happiness he brought you and others. Let his memory live on, as you have done here, tell others who your friend was.

May he look out for you and his loved ones!

[Up2Late]

17. Thanks again...

...sounds like good advice.

May you also find peace with your loss.:hug:

[DavidDvorkin]

18. I went to high school in Elkhart in the 1950s

Outside places like Indianapolis and Bloomington, and maybe South Bend and points west of there, it wasn't a time and place where gays let anyone know they were gay.

The gays I did know at IU in Bloomington in the 1960s were pretty much cut off from their families. That, and the urban-rural difference, was common in those days everywhere, but Indiana was more backward than average.

I assume Indiana has changed since then, like the rest of the country, but I suspect the geographic pattern I mentioned at the beginning still holds.

[Up2Late]

19. It's still like that in Indiana, at least in the areas outside that towns.

...you mentioned.

About the only thing that has changed since the 1980's is the arrival of "The Mexicans" and the Lottery.