Dear Senators,
I have been reading about Senator Allen's troubles that came about from him using a racial slur and having it caught on tape. Oh, my. Well, I can't cure the Senator's underlying racism but I think that I can help all of you avoid such, well, such
nastiness from the librul press.
THE CONFEDERATE FLAG
Now, I know how some of you just love that Confederate flag. I have to admit, it is mighty festive with all those colors and stars. Well, avoid it like the plague! Don't be caught carrying it, wearing it, or even standing near it. I know, I know. Some of you just wax nostalgic over the "good ol' days" when you could own yourself some slaves but most Americans see that flag as a symbol of racism. So, Confederate flag to lots of voters = symbol of racism. Symbols of racism = bad.
CLOTHING
Pointy hats, no matter how triangular, white and crisp, are a no-no. Swastikas are also out. Black-face, even if you are at your favorite, super-exclusive club, is positively o-u-t, OUT.
Also, making your servants call you "Massa" is just plain wrong.
SPEECHES
Now, this is the most difficult part. No matter how many racist cronies you surround yourself with, you will always encounter some bleeding heart commie snitch who will suddenly develop a conscience and rat you out to the press. That bleeding heart commie snitch will more than likely have a blog and so your word will be spread across the Internets regardless of how clogged those series of tubes get! The Liberal Internets are bad, bad places and you'll want to avoid reading your words. Of course, you can always claim that your words were taken out of context but that might not work.
STOCK PHRASES TO AVOID
Again, I know that, in the good old days, you could go on and on about "them darkies" and no one would start hollering "racism" over and over again until your poll numbers plunged deeper than Dolly Parton's neckline. Well, those days are gone. It might take you a while, but if you stop saying racist phrases, folks might get the opinion that you believe in the Christian teachings of loving your neighbors as yourself. Oh, don't worry. You can still think them in your head.
- darkie or darkies
- colored
- Negro and the other "n" word
- them people
- ragheads
- wetback, spic, coon, tarbaby, macaca
Oh, my. I am making myself sick. Here's a good rule of thumb:
If you only hear the word being used by your ultra-rich, ultra-white friends down at your super-exclusive club, then it's probably a racist term. THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE. NOW WHAT?
Okay, so you've gone and shown your true colors. What can you do now? Well, there are several things that you can say to try and erase the damage. Again, these phrases can be 1) repeated in public over and over and 2) you don't really have to mean them. Just repeat them often enough and try to look ashamed, okay?
- My words were taken out of context and were not meant in a racist way at all.
- I apologize to anyone who let themselves get upset by my words.
- This is just another example of how the librul press distorts and twists my words.
- In a post 9/11 world, you'd think that people would be thinking of 9/11 instead of focusing on things that won't prevent another 9/11.
- You cannot believe anything that you read on the Internets. In fact, we need to restrict the Internets so this kind of political assassination cannot continue.
- My good friend, Joseph Lieberman, knows that I am not a racist. Right, Joe? (turn to Joe at this point)
Well, I hope that this helps y'all out a bit. I know that it must be hard being a racist in a world where that is considered a bad thing. Just remember - all you have to do is do a little playacting and you might have everyone all fooled. Well, 33% of those polled, anyway - and most of that is just backwash.
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