My Personal 9/11 Survivor Story

[Beetwasher]

Those words seem a little odd to me, “9/11 survivor”. I can only imagine my experience wasn’t as hellish as people who were actually in the buildings. I happened to be UNDER them when the second plane hit and therefore didn’t have to deal w/ the hell of being trapped or trying to get out. Though I will say, seeing fist sized chunks of flaming debris raining down around you can be a bit disconcerting. The guy running around the corner screaming for help for a woman who was cut in half leaves me w/ a bit of shame that will probably stay with me forever. I couldn’t help, didn’t want to hear him, don’t want to remember his pleas. I can only be thankful that I didn’t see that happen. I feel ashamed that I feel that way, but thankful that I was lucky it wasn’t me. I only thought about getting away from all the stuff raining down.

I’ve briefly discussed my experience on this board before, but never in much detail. It’s not something I like to discuss or think about. I don’t want sympathy or anything like that. What usually spurs me bringing it up on the board is some tasteless move or comment (and good grief, there are so many) by Bush or Republicans (or some troll on this board) who act like THEY own 9/11. Like it’s their badge of honor or something. Their shield to do with what they will and defend and deflect against anything and everything. They way they use it sickens me to no end. The anger, the bitterness I feel when they politicize it is sometimes overwhelming. Like today. Yeah, I’m bitter. So what? If you’re not bitter, then you’re a bushbot. Period.

They don’t own 9/11. Oh, it’s theirs alright. It’s their responsibility (along w/ OBL) that it happened and it SHOULD be their everlasting shame and ignominy. There’s never been a more tasteless, perverted politicization of anything in political history that can equal their abuse of that tragic day that was a result, at the very least, of their failures and incompetence. So yeah, it’s theirs, but not in the way they try to make it. I can only hope history records their share of responsibility for that day. I will do everything I can to make sure that it does. 9/11 is not theirs to own. It’s mine. I own it, along w/ the other survivors of that day and the families of the dead. It’s ours, and it we don’t belong to any one political party, but we all deserve to have the truth about it, and we all deserve to have it treated w/ the respect it deserves and to not have it exploited so shamelessly.

So yeah, I’m bitter about what they’ve done all in the name of 9/11. I’m bitter that they’ve sowed fear and division. I’m bitter they’ve been shredding the constitution. I’m bitter that OBL still walks free and that Iraqi’s who had nothing to do w/ 9/11 are dying in MY NAME for something that happened to ME. They are not responsible and yet they are dying. There’s so much more to bitter about I could go on forever.

I wish justice was not such an abstract concept. I don’t know if I believe in justice, but if ever justice was called for it is called for here and now. Justice for those who died and their families. Justice upon those responsible for the lies and the abuses. And justice for those who support the lies and abuses (yeah, I’m talking to you ABC and others in the media, you have blood on your hands too and you sicken me just as much as Bushco.). That’s what I think this day SHOULD be about. It should be about remembrance. It should be about truth. It should be about learning from mistakes. It should be about justice. But instead it’s become just the opposite. It’s become the crassest and most base of political weapons. It’s become obscene pornography. It’s become a cruel, painful joke to the survivors and the families of the dead. It’s become the epitaph on the great country that was once known as the USA. After 9/11 we had a chance as a country to do so much, but instead, Bush and his Republicans have let the terrorists win, because they have done what the terrorists could not do w/ a few planes; destroy the US and everything good and noble that we have stood for. That nobility is gone and in it’s place is fear, division and death, and we can’t blame the terrorists for that. For that we can only blame ourselves. And I do.

[BurtWorm]

1. I appreciate how hard it must be for you, my fellow BW and NYer.

I admire your courage to talk about it.

I was only a few miles away from where you were, but my experience of the day was eons away. I saw and smelled the smoke and fire from midtown, but I was spared the real horrors.

[Beetwasher]

7. Thanks Burt

n/t

[Nikki Stone 1]

2. Thank you for your post

It always helps to understand what people actually went through.

[Beetwasher]

37. Thanks

I'm glad you found value in it.

[Bonobo]

3. I'm a NY'er and I'm crushed with bitterness, filled with rage today!

There's one "man" in particular whose scrawny throat I wish I had in my hands.

[Beetwasher]

12. I Want Him Alive And Well

and rotting for a long in the Hague in shame one day.

[cally]

4. I hope I convey what I mean with my words

First off, I've long noticed your posts and I value who you are. I see you as an intelligent, caring, opinionated citizen of the world.

Second, I had no idea that you were anywhere near the WTC. The normal saying is that I can't imagine, but unfortunately I've tried to imagine being there. I think too many of us pretend that we would be like Hollywood movie stars and save everyone in wartime or during a catastrophe. Unfortunately, maybe fortunately, reality is different. The one job I don't think I could handle and yet I admire the most is the triage nurse. Those who have to make decisions about who to save. You made that decision and you made to best decision you could make. Noone has the right to judge you on that. I'm thankful you are here and survived. I'm also thankful that you made the right decisions for life.

[Beetwasher]

8. Thanks

I don't discuss it much, it's not pleasant, but I guess a felt a cathartic need today. I don't beat myself up too much over my decisions that day, but I do know that I am lucky to be alive as others nearby weren't so lucky.

[Warpy]

5. There should be no shame or guilt. You did the right thing,

you SURVIVED and you're telling your story. Sometimes, that's all that can be expected of us.

I can't imagine exiting a subway station knowing something was going on and finding myself in that scene on 9/11. How bad does it have to be? That was bad enough.

I knew a few Holocaust survivors back in Boston. They eventually came to terms with the survivor's guilt of getting out and being able to continue their lives after all their friends and families had been murdered. You will, also.

By the way, there was nothing you could have done for a woman who had been cut in half except hold her hand while she died, putting yourself in danger and possibly obstructing police and firefighters trying to get other people out of the area. My guess is that she was already gone.

[Beetwasher]

10. Yeah, Thanks

Intellectually I know everything you say is true, and to be honest, I don't beat myself up too much over my decisions, but it's still a haunting memory.

It was surreal getting out of the subway that morning before the second plane hit. Burning papers floating down like a storm of overgrown leaves. A dark river of smoke bissecting the slice of sky over b'way. The streets eerily quiet and empty... We couldn't actually see the towers because of the angle and our view was obstructed by the building we were immediately under, so the crowd of us that got off the train were looking around wondering what was going on for a few seconds before the second plane hit...And even then, I didn't realize it was the towers until I got further away and was able to look back.

[Clark2008]

21. Do you know how she was injured

I'm just sitting here trying to think about what could cut someone in half. Was it falling debris?

And, I agree. You did the right thing - there is nothing you can do. If someone is cut in half, chances are they're already dead or would have died too quickly for rescuers to have done anything.

[Beetwasher]

23. I'm Assuming It Was Falling Debris

I didn't really stop to ask, but there was a lot of falling debris in the area. All I know is the guy came running around the corner, splattered in blood screaming for someone to help "She's cut in half! Someone get help!" As I was getting the hell out of there I was looking for a cop or someone to tell, but didn't see one until later (I assume most of the cops were already much closer to the scene, I was moving away.)

[hunter]

6. There's no shame in running away from a firestorm.

Like they always tell you in the airplane: When the oxygen masks drop, put your mask on first, before you try to help anyone else. If you hesitate, you might not be around to help anyone else.

In your case, Beetwasther, it's going to take a long time to dig this nation out of the mess of September 11, and you are still digging, not dead.

May you find peace.

[Beetwasher]

Thanks

Still digging...

[usregimechange]

9. Thanks for sharing. kicked and nominated.

[nashville_brook]

11. as in "remember, remember the 11th of September..."

i'm bitter too.

[Beetwasher]

19. It's Hard Not To Be

n/t

[musette_sf]

13. *justice*

my prayer is for justice to be served for all.

and i appreciate your sharing your story. i'm a New Yorker too, though i've moved across the country over the last 25 years. once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker. my first apt in SI had a harbor view, and i worked in the Financial District for years, used to shop at the John Wanamakers on B'way across from Trinity. just so you know i know. i can still see the WTC lobbies and the concourses, and remember how it felt to ride those elevators to the highest floors, in my mind as if they had never left.

[Beetwasher]

16. Yeah, Windows On The World Was A Favorite Spot Of Mine

To bring dates and people visiting from out of town for the first time. Many, many memories...

Thanks.

[OzarkDem]

14. You're doing great work here

and you've accomplished much, much more than you realize. Give yourself a big pat on the back, you deserve it.

[Beetwasher]

17. Well

There are other things I do that I probably deserve pats on the back for...Not sure if my posting here is necessarily one of them or worthy, but I appreciate the thought! Thanks!

[johnnie]

15. Thanks for posting this Beetwasher

And thank you for sharing. I'm glad you decided to get the hell out of there, I would have too. I'd rather have you here posting as you do. Take care.

[Beetwasher]

18. Thanks Johnnie

n/t

[wicket]

20. Thank-you for sharing Beet

I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Beetwasher]

26. Thanks Wicket

:hug:

[buddhamama]

22. Thank you

for sharing your experience and your feelings with us. Justice comes in many forms my friend. It might not happen today, tomorrow or even next yr but it will happen. I believe that with every fiber of my being.

sounds silly to say... I am blessed by your presence.

You're alive, married and expecting twins. (hurray!) in some small measure that, in and of itself is justice. They didn't break you. You're one less silent voice with more on the way.

Many Blessings,
love,
Cheryl

[Beetwasher]

27. Thanks

:loveya:

Cheryl, those are really very sweet and meaningful words! :hug:

Love,
Russ

[Sugar Smack]

24. Thank you so much for posting this, Beetwasher.

Such a nightmare. :hug:

[Beetwasher]

28. Thanks

:hug:

[AngryOldDem]

25. Kicked and nominated

If you haven't, please consider submitting this for publication. Everyone needs to read this.

[Beetwasher]

29. Well

It's here on DU, on my journal. Feel free to forward it! Thanks!

[mcscajun]

30. Thank you for sharing on this day.

Five years ago this morning, like you, I was on my way to work in lower Manhattan. Like you, I would normally come up from the train, in my case, the PATH, to the Concourse, then to street level to get to work south of the WTC site.

Unlike you, though, I hadn't yet made it to NYC -- I saw the towers burning from the NJ side. I had no early meeting that day and was running later than normal, thank goodness. I raced for home as soon as I realized what was happening. Cut off from my coworkers, I could only imagine what they had and were going through.

I've often imagined what would have happened had I been earlier to work that day. Your tale gives me some indication. Thank you for sharing...and I'm glad you're here posting with us, rather than some other horrific outcome.

You are alive, you are here, you are fighting for the truth. That last should be sufficient to assuage whatever survivor's guilt you may be bearing.

Kicked & recommended.

[Beetwasher]

35. Thanks

Yeah, just a matter of timing I guess...

[Kurovski]

31. Thank you for that.

Thank you for taking the time to say what is also on so many of our minds.

And thank you for opening up and letting us share your personal experience.

A very affecting post that had me realizing that I would've done the same in a similar circumstance.

And finally, thank you for being here at DU.

[Beetwasher]

36. Thank You

I appreciate the thoughts.

[ocean girl]

32. Wow, thanks so much for sharing

I've pretty much avoided all the MSM propaganda about 9-11 today because it enrages me too, but I'm so glad I was able to read your post. Beautifully written and expressed, your story made this day memorable for me.

The truth is the most honorable thing to share for those who were affected by 9-11.

Thanks again for having the courage to tell your story.

[Beetwasher]

38. Yeah

Thanks for your kind words.

[vanboggie]

33. Very well written

K&R and thank you for sharing your story.

[Beetwasher]

40. Thank You

n/t

[savemefromdumbya]

34. Bush doesn't want to own Katrina though!

the GOP still think that they own 9/11. They don't like to own Katrina though!

[Beetwasher]

39. Cowards

Yup.

[jus_the_facts]

41. sigh..."...it's rainin' people why oh why...."

.....thank you for sharing your heart...that line from your song always makes me cry...as have your words here...peace my friend. :loveya:

[Beetwasher]

42. Thanks Sweetie

:loveya:

[jus_the_facts]

43. ~*~

...you're most welcome...always. :hug: :loveya:

[bobbolink]

44. THank you for sharing your story. Surviving isn't easy.

We all have different reactions to tragedy, and your reaction is your reaction. You were doing your best to keep sane.

Here's hoping we can all learn to care more about each other as the time goes by, because we're not doing too well with that now.

Be well.