An Open Letter to Sen. Norm Coleman from Lazlo Toth

[joemurphy]

Office of Senator Norman Coleman
U.S. Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510

Re: Your Decision Not to Run for President

Dear Senator Coleman:

My wife (Elsbeta Toth) and I are both long-time Republican voters. We are also two of your biggest fans. We’ve been following your political career ever since you lost the Minnesota Gubernatorial Election to Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Since that dark day, we have watched your comeback and emergence as one of President Bush’s top guys in Congress. Don’t think that we haven’t noticed your 98% voting record on all Mr. Bush’s programs! And don’t think we haven’t appreciated your principled stand on family values. Both Elsbeta and I had tears in our eyes as we watched you cast your vote to prolong the life of Teri Schiavo on C-Span. (It wasn’t your fault that she was brain dead at the time!). We also appreciated your support for the President’s War in Iraq and his generous tax cut that so stimulated the economy. (Elsbeta and I framed the $20.47 check we got back from the IRS by way of a refund. It’s still hanging proudly in our living room, right next to your picture).

However, I take pen in hand today to express my shock and dismay on learning that you have decided not to run for President in 2008. I learned this terrible news in a newpaper article in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune. The article quoted you as saying:

“I'm not running for vice president. I'm not running for president. ... If nominated, I won't run"

You can well imagine what a dark day it was in the Toth household when I learned this horrible news! I still haven’t had the heart to tell Elsbeta.

You see, Elsbeta and I recently sold our home and furniture here in Indiana. We have to move out per our contract later this week. We did this in order to raise enough money so that we could relocate to Minneapolis by 2008 and contribute money to your Presidential campaign. It was our fervent hope that we could both attend the Republican Presidential Convention, be there in person to see you get the GOP nomination for President, and proudly watch you make your acceptance speech. I still harbor faint hopes that maybe, somehow, some way, you’ll change your mind about not running and this dream of ours could still become a reality. I know this is only one supporter’s letter, but please reconsider! Your country so needs you, Senator Coleman!

Think about it. Assuming you won (and Elsbeta and I think you’d be a shoo-in), you’d be the first President named “Norm” to occupy the White House! President Norm Coleman! It certainly has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

I’d imagine that right now you’re thinking: “Wow, Poor Mr. And Mrs. Toth! They should have checked with me before taking that big step and selling their house!”

Yes, I guess we should have. But after Elsbeta and I learned that you had spent all that money to have your teeth capped, we were convinced your “hat was in the ring.” We didn’t think asking you was necessary. We never would have guessed that you’d go to all that trouble just for another run at a measly Minnesota Senate seat.

I don’t mean to imply, of course, that your dental work wasn’t worth the money. I’ve seen the “Before” and “After” photos that your dentist posted on the Internet. Here’s a website that still has them up in case you want to take a look:

http://www.rawstory.com/exclusives/byrne/norm_coleman_featured_smile_124.htm

Quite a contrast, eh? I guess you sort of made dental history, didn’t you? Heh, heh. Anyway, those new big pearly-white teeth of yours made you look so “Presidential,” Elsbeta and I were convinced that you were going to make a run at the Oval Office in 2008.

By the way, I hope you aren’t offended when I tell you that those old yellowish ones that you used to have from all that marijuana you smoked back in your student radical days at Hofstra … well, they just weren’t very flattering. It was also smart of you to have that big gap in front surgically corrected. (Hey! Maybe you could give the name of your dentist to Condi Rice!) Anyway, now your smile is really photogenic! No wonder you have that big grin on your face in all your official pictures!

So, couldn’t you reconsider about not running? Don’t feel like you it’s too late to change your mind. Don't be squeamish! After all, you’ve changed your mind with good results in the past.

Hey, remember that time back in your radical days at Hofstra when you said in the student newspaper:

“These conservative kids don't fuck or get high like we do (purity, you know).”

See, you don’t feel that way about conservatives now, do you?.

And remember back in 1993 when you ran for Mayor of St. Paul and said:

“I am a lifelong Democrat. Some accuse me of being the fiscal conservative in this race — I plead guilty! I'm not afraid to be tight with your tax dollars. Yet, my fiscal conservatism does not mean I am any less progressive in my Democratic ideals. From Bobby Kennedy to George McGovern to Warren Spannaus to Hubert Humphrey to Walter Mondale — my commitment to the great values of our party has remained solid.”

And remember when you chaired Democratic Senator Paul Wellstone's re-election campaign in 1996 and were making his nomination speech at the 1996 state convention and said:

"Paul Wellstone is a Democrat, and I am a Democrat."

But these prior statements didn’t stop you from changing your mind, becoming a Republican, and running against Senator Wellstone in 2002, did it?

You see, what I mean? Don't be so squeamish. Don’t feel like you can’t back out of your promise not to run that you made to that newspaper. There are higher principles at play than mere newspaper promises. That was then, and this is now!

Well, I guess that’s about all I have to say. I really hope you change your mind. But if you don’t, don’t worry about Elbeth and all the money we lost on our home. We’ll get along somehow. Besides, there are still a few other Republican “heavyweights” like you around that Elsbeta and I could throw our support to (I’m sort of leaning to Rep. Tom Tancredo or Gov. Haley Barbour – but only if Alan Keyes isn’t nominated. Elsbeta prefers Liddy Dole or Kay Bailey Hutchison. But remember, you’re still our first choice!).

So, keep on smiling, big fella! And keep on doing President Bush’s bidding! We’re all with ya on it here in Indiana!

Your friend,

Lazlo Toth

Voting for Republicans (both unindicted and indicted) since 1952!

(Inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters)

[peacetalksforall]

1. Brilliant. The only thing missing is info about 'the tease'. That's

when Normie (I call him Normie) gets on tv and announces that he doesn't know how he will vote - sometime even adding a tidbit that makes you think he's thinking. Then, bingo - he never fails to do what George wants him to do. Even Barney is a litte more independent than Normie.

Lazlo could have also emphasized 'the weight' - the weight behind him -Normie is getting mucho support from Dick and George.

And Lazlo could have mentioned 'the groom-ing' - the campaign to groom him for higher heights. Normie was so generous when he switched for the Republican higher ups - now they're placing him high on the reward to do list.

Normie - made Senator when Paul Wellstone died. Said some really lousy, poor taste things about his death. But he's learning. He only gets into trouble with his mouth about once a month now, it seems. He does better when he doesn't head a committee. They need to fine tune his grooming, but they are doing a pretty good job. But, they definitely have to get him to say something more original when denying his higher office future. 'if nominated, I will not run?' Man, that's NOT original. Is he kinda'of a dull guy?

[krispos42]

2. LMAO

So he jumped ship to the Republican party in order to be a fiscal conservative? ROTFLMAO

Yeah, good timing, good timing.