So my parents might completely break off communications with me

[Seen the light]

You know, I had just written a long post detailing just what happened between me and the rest of my family, but here's the point. I finally came out as a conservative-turned-liberal to my folks. They're all extremely conservative Republicans and I used to be also until early last year. I even voted for Bush in 2004 (which I regret and have even apologized for on this forum).

So now they're thinking about cutting off any and all financial aid and have thought about breaking off all communication with me. I'll be able to manage without financial aid for college I suppose, but I've been heartbroken that it seems like my family is lost to me. And it's absolutely not what I want. However, that's how it is. Anybody have any advice? Anybody else ever experience anything similar?

Edited: One other thing: I'm 20 years old and have always been very close to my family.

[400Years]

1. You don't need them if they are that over the top about it

[Perky]

86. You do so need your parents

Ok...They are totally wrong and disowning you over politics is just dumbfounding....

But you still need your parents. Politics certainly should not be that serious.

[sarcasmo]

101. No you don't need your parents if they want to control your thinking.

I moved away from my controlling parents and it was the best move of my life.

[eridani]

137. Maybe reconciliation will be possible later

For the moment, you have to establish your independent life first. I think that just about everybody's parents try to hold on to control over the lives of young adults a little longer than they should--after all, they remember you when you couldn't tie your own shoes. Once you are on your own for a few years, you can reconnect on your terms.

[schrodingers_cat]

152. agreed.....if this is the gauntlet that they choose to throw down,

and if this is truly how little they value you, then you are far better off developing healthy adult relationships with other people that respect and value your opinion and choices. At 20, isn't this the time to draw away as a child and develop who you are, in any case?

[leesa]

133. This is not about politics. This is about right and wrong.

[converted_democrat]

149. You are 100% on the mark.....

This is about what is right, and what is wrong.. No one needs parents that will cut them off for thinking for themselves, or for doing the right thing.. No one.. My dad is literally a multi-millionaire.. When we first started bumping heads politically he started cutting the funds off.. At first it really upset me, my sisters both drive brand new cars, and my dad just bought a house for my sister that just got married.. It hurt alot, but then I realized.. They aren't worth all the money in the world.. They have complete control over every aspect of my sisters lives, for the rest of their lives.. I don't want that for myself. If at anytime my sisters question them, they will have everything taken away from them until they fall back in line.. That will never happen to me.. I have worked really hard to build a good life for myself, and my family.. My Dad will never be able to take my business, my money, or my home away, if I don't agree with him. I figure if a dumb ass like my Dad can make a small fortune, so can I.. And I am, I'm worth twice what my dad was at this age.. I'm on track to better than they ever did, and I'm doing it all by myself..The poster will probably be better off without them, I am.

[cantstandbush]

117. I would say that your parents are acting like pure Republicans.

Heartless, thoughtless, ignorant.

[Coexist]

2. I am so sorry for you.

I don't know what advice to offer. That is a terrible thing to face. I have heard of that over what parents consider "bad marriage choices" but never party affiliation.

Wow.

[Blue_In_AK]

6. I met a lady in DC

in September for the peace march whose children are both rabid Republicans, and they won't even let her see her grandchildren because of her political beliefs. That's how bad it's gotten in this country.

[ronnykmarshall]

56. But, but ....

Bushie is a uniter!!!!!

[ikojo]

81. For some Republicans, religion and party are so

interwoven that to reject the party is akin to rejecting one's faith.

[joeunderdog]

128. Happens right here on Democratic Underground too.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x231094

90% of these posters basically told the person who started the thread to break ties with a longtime friend because they were a Bushie. WTF? Has it come to this?

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

140. And that is very wrong as well

Unless a person has become so unreasonable as to no longer be someone you can converse with (which can apply to any matter, politics, business or personal), there is no reason to do that.

[Imagevision]

112. Write your story for Hollywood, and make a few bucks from this pathetic

tale.

[Tace]

3. Yeah -- The Same Thing -- And We've Broken Off Communication

You know what? I feel like a million bucks!

I'm 49 years old and I've been dealing with these fuckheads my entire life. It feels so damned good to be done with them.

Harsh... but the truth.

[Straight Shooter]

77. Tace, you say your family are f*ckheads? We might be related!

:7

[LiberalAndProud]

4. You might mention

that God did not require Isaac of Abraham.

if you think that will have any meaning for them.


on edit: What happened to my t-key?

[I Have A Dream]

5. Wow - I've never had it happen to me, but it sounds terrible.

This seems amazingly cold. I'm soooo sorry that this happened to you, Seen the light. However, please know that we'll be here for you for moral support whenever you need us.

Hopefully, you can build a more supportive "family" out of people who love you unconditionally.

:hug: :hug:

(On edit: Is there even one person in your family who will not abide by this decree? If so, maintain your connection with this person/these people as well as you can. They're the ones who you can count on no matter what.)

[deadparrot]

7. Just offering good thoughts.

:hug:

I'm so sorry. Hopefully you can all work through this. Many DUers come from conservative families and have had similar problems. I'm sure many of them will be able to offer useful advice (more useful than this lame little post :)).

[movonne]

8. I sure wouldn't blame yourself, they are the ones cutting you off..I

mean how silly can that be..you changed parties for god sake and that is how they think about you..I know they are your parents and you love them butttt..

[janx]

9. If you're only twenty, you might take this opportunity

to educate your parents about how blood is thicker than water--AND politics. I cannot believe that they would do such a thing!

[FreedomAngel82]

95. It's just how some parents do when

they find out their child is gay. See Alan Keyes for example. Remember what happened with his daughter?

[jackster]

10. any family that would cut you out because

you are different doesn't deserve you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this is just wrong. Decent people do not disown their children because they have different views.

Of course, it's their money and if they want to not pay your college bills, that's their business, regardless of why. If you are an adult, then they have every right to tell you, you are on your own, EVEN if they might easily be able afford it and it would put you into a bind. I wouldn't do it, but I can see why others do.

HOWEVER, to cut you out as a member of the family is another issue.

[Sugar Smack]

11. That just ENRAGES me, that they would

DROP you like that after being so close to you. It's absolutely disgusting. I am so sorry.

[William769]

12. If they are willing to break ties with you over this.

I don't think thats a family I would want to be close to.

[montana500]

65. how Christian is it to boot a child because of politics?

Shameful. I hope this works out for you.

[FreedomAngel82]

96. How do you know they're Christians?

[Yollam]

13. According to conservative values...

...you should be able to do just fine with no help from your folks or the government. "just pull up your bootstraps"


But of course in real life, almost nobody makes it that way....


I went through college on student loans because my rich republican mom wouldn't help with tuition at all, by the way. I'm still paying student loans 12 years later. I'm not estranged from my folks, but if they didn't like my being a leftist, I'd tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine.

There's something very belittling about having to pretend to be somebody else just to please somebody so that you can continue to depend on them financially. Not a good feeling.

[jrw14125]

14. Sure it wasn't b/c of the Panthers logo?

Just kidding. Obviously, they're brainwashed. Try to get them de-programmed.

[Seen the light]

15. My father used to be heavily involved in the Christian Coalition

Sadly, I don't think deprogramming is an option. :(

[leftchick]

44. Ask them how Christian is it to kick a child out of a family?

Over politics??? What Would Jesus Do?

Best of luck to you. Hopefully in time they will realize you mean more to them than any political beliefs could.

:hug:

[movonne]

61. Gee, what would he do if you told him you were gay....

[mello1]

163. Well now....

That explains a lot. It also reveals how some folk cannot separate politics from religion.

[neverevergivein]

16. Your better off without them

Parents can be wrong, and sometimes downright evil. Ask any abused or molested kid. And it doesn't have to be physical abuse. If they are trying to force you to the dark side, you are better off in the long run without them. Better to live on your own and with your principles than in a home where evil is celebrated. Like the earlier poster said. Harsh, but true.

[B Calm]

17. Ask them if this is another example of conservative family values?

[RJRoss]

18. That's sad

Seen the light. I haven't been here very long, but I'm curious why you voted for W, and what has changed your mind about him.

I'm fortunate in that my parents aren't very political, and my wife's entire family is rabidly liberal. I recently asked my in-laws (in their 60's) if Bush was the worst president they can remember, and they both said "Even worse than Reagan!".

My boys (15 and 12) haven't been exposed to much conservative thinking, to say the least.

[Seen the light]

29. Well, here's the abridged version...

I started turning against Bush around the time the DSM came out. It avalanched VERY quickly since then. I actually started thinking about what people were telling me on places like Fox News, which was and is a fixture on TV back home. I started really reading a lot about the war and what exactly was happening during the leadup to war. Things continued to avalanche and I started re-evaluating my position on everything and I finally regreted voting for Bush probably last June. I was thoroughly "liberalized" if you will by the end of the summer. That occurred by reading lots of liberal websites that actually made sense on many things, I guess.

I was so bad that I even posted on Free Republic some in 2004 and came here after the election and got a big chuckle at seeing all of the heartbroken people here when Bush won. :(

Hope that explains it well enough.

[RJRoss]

43. Welcome to the light!

I hope you can patch things up with your folks; maybe, like some other posters have recommended, agree to not discuss politics. I came to a similar agreement with a co-worker during the run-up to the Iraq war - we agreed to disagree and talk about baseball and chicks.

[FreedomAngel82]

99. Now you know why we were heartbroken

I cried for days. :( If you want you can see some great documentaries at http://www.informationclearinghouse.info They're all free to view and you need real player for basically all of them. I recommend them all. I hope you watch some of them. :) I especially recommend: Hijacking Castrophe, The Bush Family Fortunes and Exposed: the Carlyle Group.

[Selatius]

132. I'm 24, a college student, and I can relate to you on some issues

You committed the unforgiveable sin of thinking, being critical, and asking hard questions about the world we know. Congratulations, you've begun lifting the veil over your eyes that's been there for so long. I was more apolitical back in 2000, not really liberal or conservative, and the same was true with my mother. (A single-parent home) Just keep thinking, analyzing, and asking questions. Your perception of reality will eventually become even more and more fact-based as a result.

I can't relate to you about the conflict between your principles and familial loyalty, but I can relate about feeling alone and isolated in a world where you feel like you're the last leftist alive. It's a hard road to travel sometimes, and sometimes you wish you hadn't taken the "red pill" and gone down the rabbit hole by starting to ask so many questions. It seems people who know too much tend to be less happy than those who know less about the world.

Some people can't take that. There is some modicum of truth to the notion that "ignorance is bliss," but I concluded a long time ago that I'd rather know the truth than exist in a vacuum of lies even if all I did was buy myself a world of misery for knowing the truth. I'd rather be free than a slave to ignorance and fear.

[Angry Girl]

19. Wow. that's heavy stuff

And people say there's no civil war going on....

I'm so sorry you're in such a rotten position. I can't offer any advice since I'm not in your shoes and you are the only one who can make that decision. Follow your heart, be true to yourself.

[MuseRider]

20. I am so sorry!

I can't imagine. My two boys are the most precious things in the world to me. They are both liberals but if not I still can't imagine anything coming between us. It hurts me just to read this.

I don't have anything to offer you in advice but just hang in and see what happens. Man, this is just so very sad.

:hug: My youngest is 20 :cry:

[OKNancy]

21. It all depends on how you feel about it and how you act

You can disagree with your parents all you want, but make sure you are still respectful.
If you have political discussions, just try not to get too heated. It never does any good anyway.
The only Republican in my family is my mother-in-law, and what we do is...we don't talk politics.

I try to think about how I would feel if my children turned into right-wingers. I would still love them. I imagine your parents feel the same way.

[Seen the light]

32. I do remain respectful

Sadly didn't matter. My mother just started absolutely ripping into me after I had said some backhanded comment about Bush and it snowballed from there.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

54. She loves Boosh more than you, eh? Pretty heavy.

[OKNancy]

55. I'm so sorry

I have a twenty-one year old daughter. I can't imagine how awful it is for you.
:hug:

[druidity33]

109. empathy here...

I'm 34 now and grew up on Long Island in NY... the suburban bastion of the nation. Rampant Consumer lifestyle... when i moved away at 18 i never looked back. My dad is a Republican and Mom a Dem (rest of family mostly closet Repubs)... we've always had heated arguments about Politics and the LI lifestyle. Though not as severe a difference of opinion as you and yours, it has definately been a struggle at times. My advice to you would be to take some space from them and start writing letters to your folks. Tell them about your life and the normal things you do. Include with your letters printed articles from here at DU, or well researched, irrefutable written records of how we are becoming a Fascist state. They can read them or not. Include only writing from "respected" sources. Always be civil if you can. Get them a subscription to The Nation or Mother Jones. Talk to their priest, minister, whatever... let them know you love your parents but feel they are being unfair. Try not to lose your family, they're the only one you have.

[ernstbass]

22. I'm sorry they have no respect for you

My parents made threats like that but they never followed through. We didn't speak for months after the 04 election. I'm now middle aged so they just threaten to disinherit me. When things are good, we don't bring the topic up at all. I have no solution, but I know how painful it is. When I was your age, my parents blamed it on my liberal professors.

[cally]

23. Time to seek a truce

Your are too young for this to happen to you. I would just ask for a cease in all political discussions. Send a letter reminding them that you are their child and you love them and you don't want politics to separate you from your family. Good luck.

[Stephanie]

26. That's good advice

You can't change them. Just agree not to discuss politics any more and let it go. You need your family, whether you like it or not.

[jackstraw45]

35. Best advice....I'd do this...nm

Be the bigger person and reach past the politics.

[Seen the light]

36. That is good advice

Things will always be different now though. But I'll think about it, thanks.

[Swamp Rat]

67. I agree with cally

see post #66 :)

[never cry wolf]

39. Remind them which party boasts

about family values

[indie_voter]

82. This is my advice too. n/t

[annabanana]

84. Yes seen the light... Cally is right

The way the world is now, 20 is too young to allow yourself to be cast our. They are still your parents, and I thing you will be glad if you can find a path to peaceful coexistence.

You will most certainly outlive them and you have many years to make a new and independent life.

[BeTheChange]

92. Too many people make the mistake of looking at things as absolutes

We dont live in a world of black and white and it constantly blows my mind when I see posts on these forums about how politics have come between family or life long friends. You will never help those people see the light if you arent a part of their life.. and they will never be open to the truth you want to show them if you belligerantly insist it is your way or the highway.

People who deal in such absolutes do nothing but hurt this cause because they make it such a battle that those on the other side of the aisle will use the absolute preposterous rift in a relationship as a crutch with which to keep any change of mind or heart away with. It isnt rational, but throwing love away over politics isnt rational either.


Your parents dont sound like they are being the best parents right now so instead they are grasping at whatever straws they feel they have to get you to think their way. This will ease over time but there is no reason to incite it. Agree to disagree and try not to speak politics. If they come up, then of course, speak truth... but be civil. Being irate, judgemental and mean helps nothing.

Fuck politics.. love trumps politics.

[welshTerrier2]

158. i, too, agree with this advice ...

you are entitled to your beliefs and your parents are entitled to theirs ... political issues are very real and they're very important but they should not destroy families ...

it might be unavoidable but if there is no room for open and honest political discourse, then try to avoid it ... in the short-term, politics should be avoided all together ... perhaps, in time, you can find a way to ask whether they would be willing to read an article or find a way to agree on political objectives even if you don't agree on how to achieve them ... for example, you might both believe it would be better for the country if American students were more competitive in math and science ...

i commend you for your courage in freeing yourself from your political upbringing ... and contrary even to DU's indoctrination, remember that traditional republicans, those who existed before the neo-con extremists, were not inherently evil ...

anyway, you can only control your actions; you can't control how your family will react ... your role is to value your family and seek peace ... you have a right to your own values and beliefs and should not have to sacrifice them to remain in the family ...

i sincerely wish you the very best of luck ... these are extraordinarily partisan times ... this too shall pass as the pages on the calendar are torn away ... in quieter times, perhaps the strain in your family will become a bit less heated ... hang in there and do the best you can ...

[TygrBright]

24. Tell them...

...that it's "absolutely not what you want." (Your family being lost to you, that is.) Remind them that conservatives (even extreme ones) share at least one common view with liberals (even extreme ones,) and that is the freedom of every American to believe whatever seems right to them.

Offer a truce: "We'll agree to disagree, and then just not discuss our differences." There's lots of other things to talk about.

You may need to cut down on the time you do spend with them (DON'T get lured into sitting in front of the TV with them, for example,) but you should be able to meet for dinner, stop by and give Mom a hug and a bunch of flowers for Mothers' Day, phone up and tell them about your latest "A" in Chemistry, ask how Dad's back is doing with the new medicine, etc.

Just keep behaving as though you love them and value contact with them, even though you differ from them politically.

If they still want to "cut you off," check at school and see if there is a counseling service you can access to help you deal with the sadness and negative feelings constructively. And form your own support group of friends.

Like us here on DU!

encouragingly,
Bright

[pitohui]

25. can't you just lie?

christ, you're 20 and you're a good kid trying to get an education, and they're looking for excuses to cut you off, frankly, my dear, that sounds like bullshit to me, and yes i do know someone who went thru similar, he wasn't able to finish his education and now he never will, college costs these days are too high to bear alone

the reason wasn't the excuse they gave, any more than the reason is the excuse your parents are giving, the real reason is the parents being greedy shits and not wanting to pay for an expensive college education, they just don't love you that much

this being the case, they deserve to be treated as dishonestly as they have treated you, in your shoes i would just smile and lie and humor them until you get the money and you get the degree, it's what pitohui would do, i might be going to hell, but i have a college education

the trouble is that even if your parents cut you off, at your age, their income and assets are still counted when you apply for financial aid, so they are in effect trying to deny you an education just to save themselves the hassle and bucks i suppose

why do people have children if they don't want to provide for them?

i've never understood this attitude, parents who love their kids want them to have the best in life, including a college education, they don't run around looking for bullshit excuses to cut them off!

grrrrr!

[newportdadde]

37. Because paying for college builds character!

Lmao.. haven't you heard that one? I've sat next to people making 25% -50% more then me in a well paying field(IT) who also had a spouse making good money, way past 50k and heard "it will help them build character".. meaning I'm a tight ass and want to blow my money on me.

I'm saving now for my kids, one is 2 and the other two are currently about to be born at any time. My goal is to get my house paid off ASAP and sock even more away I want all three of my kids to have very little or NO debt from college loans.

Starting out at 22 without debt like that is a BOON and a huge advantage to get your life started.


- as far as the main topic I would make nice, politics can't replace your family and from a financial standpoint you do not want that burden if you can help it.

[pitohui]

50. absolutely i've heard it and lord it's sick, isn't it

and the victims of it i've known end up not finishing college educations, sadly

it's really hard to get any financial aid at age 20 or 22 if the parents will not communicate and send in their information, impossible really

[NuttyFluffers]

143. i second this wisdom

i, too, have heard such horror stories of asshole parents. it did nothing but build absolute animosity between child and parents. i don't know if it will be resolved at one point, but god knows that i could never be so forgiving. i probably would have remembered well when they were starting to become of nursing home age... because i have a purely evil and vindictive streak in me and make no apologies about it.

thankfully i never had to undergo this experience, which is probably also good for the rest of my family. though i have learned a very important corrolary to that inane saw about families: blood is thicker than water... but so is molasses; who gives a shit? family is those that love you with open arms, age after age. anything else is obligational ties that sadistic fucks often like to exploit.

so, lie, smile, cash their check, file hurt and anger under a folder 'waiting for karma,' and go off and be a success -- to never look back on their small-minded, spiteful farce they called a family. and if the future indifference wounds them like a knife to the heart, remember to twist.

[Nordmadr]

27. I guess that is another example of compassionate conservatism.

I am sorry to hear about this. Parents choosing a president and political ideology over their children. Seems your parents weren't as close to you as you thought. You can rest assured you will receive support here.

I applaud you for standing up for what you believe in an having an open mind.

Good luck. I thought a parent's love was unconditional.

Olafr

[SmokingJacket]

28. Well, that's awful.

You need to get through school, and you don't need this crap. I say keep your politics to yourself until you get out of school. Don't be a hypocrite or anything; just tell them you've decided that for the sake of peace in the family you don't want to talk about politics anymore.

That's how I get along with my family. Even though I disagree mightily with them, we were always close and I don't want to cause them the pain that a breakoff would result in. It would hurt them more than me, so I keep my mouth shut.

[quiet.american]

30. I was on the opposite side of this situation.

My sister is a Republican because her husband is one. She gets all her political opinions from him, and he is not particularly well-informed.

Long story short, one evening we had a very heated argument around politics.

The next morning, I spent hours brooding over what to do. I was completely frustrated with her determination to be so dangerously gullible.

Then, a thought came to me -- is politics more important than family? No.

Apart from her politics, she's fairly decent. :)

If you haven't, maybe you could ask your family if they consider politics more important than family, because you don't.

The coda to this story is that the other day my sister mentioned how much she now likes Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

[FreedomAngel82]

100. Oh wow

Did she say why she liked Schumer?

[quiet.american]

115. Funny, she did --

-- and it really goes to show the power of "face time" in front of the cameras.

Even though politicians are routinely derided for being publicity hounds, her reason for liking Schumer is that he's always highly visible, always ready to go with a statement on what's happening -- therefore, to her, he's earning his money and his votes. Every time she turns the TV on, there he is. So, she admires him for being a hard-working senator, whether she agrees with him or not.

[salin]

142. Sadly, I would guess this is part of the politicization of the pulpit

and the rabid ruminations on talk radio/tv.

It is very powerful when one attends church and is told from a person "of God" that the message "from God" is the republican party line. Ergo, anyone who doesn't agree must now be equated as being "against God."

Add to that nearly twenty years of vitriol being spewed across the airwaves that has an effect of making political differences = war and intentionally dismisses/ridicules opposite beliefs by attributing all sorts of ridiculous rationales for why liberals believe in certain positions. This brainwashing takes a long time - as it makes political opposition warlike assigns "Godliness" to one side and cardboard caricatures on the other.

I state this to suggest that the mindset from where such an absolutist (and tragically sad) response from your parents might be helpful in determining how to deal with them. I agree with those who suggest that you suggest to them to take politics off the table in future discussions - and ask them to "judge not" and suggest that you do the same.

While my brother never got bad enough to "ban" me - he did try to provoke political discussions, would throw out rw spew, when I would refutute on policy points he would throw out some of the ridiculing caricature-izations commonly spewed by Rush. All I could do was point out the ridiculous nature of what he was attributing to me - he would back off a tad bit - and mutter that the discussion was over and that he may not know as many details as I - but he knew he was "right."

Odd thing, this summer/fall - he has started asking me questions - more about economic policies and why would those in DC push certain things - when I take a "Greed" angle rather than strict anti repub - I found he started listening. Now he is (finally) starting to listen and is getting a wee bit disturbed by happenings in DC and not outright buying all he hears. But it took years before this has begun to occur. I have remained loving. Never started political discussions or baiting (he makes anti clinton quips - while to him I never do so with Bush - my version of the high road) and as things have gotten worse - he is now starting to ask and, for the first time in years, start to listen to what I have to say in response.

Be loving. Understand the awufl mix of politicization from pulpit and RW war (on other americans) talk to understand thier (sad) referent point. Try to go for truce and stay in nonpolitical discussions - and perhaps over time something the admin does will push their buttons (as they have done with millions of americans like yourself) - and then they might ask you for your information. Until them - love them, have empathy for the warping process of the past 20 years of intentional misleading of religious christians (personally I think many CC type religious leaders have been leading people away from God, in the name of God - which I think is awful - and I have more empathy for those who have been warped by the power of the pulpit and more anger at those in the pulpit doing the misleading.) - and keep communication open.

[imperialismispasse]

31. Remind them that you only get one family and life is very short

Remind them that they may not have time to make up for this stupidly wasted time later. Remind them that any one of you could get sick, get in a car accident, and just one day not be there. Remind them that when they are on their deathbed, or you are, they are not going to be thinking about political affiliations. They are going to be thinking that you are their kid. Their child. And then remind them to stop being assholes about shit that doesnt really matter, in the end.

[DearAbby]

33. This is just awful...this hate is even breaking up families

You may feel I am over the top her, but remember during the civil war, brothers faught against brothers, sons against fathers. Families were split then too...I fear where all this is headed, and all the signs show it is headed there.

I dont know what to tell you, this must be so heartbreaking for you. All I can tell you. Stand your ground, because it is the right thing to do. In the end, you'll will only have to answer for your own actions and beliefs to your higher power. Be on the side of what is right.

:hug: There are many here with you

[King Coal]

34. They're bluffing. Trust me. Go all in, and they'll take it down.

They are still trying to control you, but you hold the cards.

[treefrogjohn]

38. Mine did that in the 60's. We never really came back together

For me it was my support of Eugene McCarthy that drove my family to break off contact. They were John Birchers, rabid "anti-communists", and very racist. When I came back from college with a changed worldview, it only took a few intense verbal battles to bring matters to a head. Eventually, after I had been married for over a decade and given them two grandchildren, my parents let me back in their house, but with the ground rules that we would not discuss politics, period. But the visits remained short, infrequent, and cold. Maybe it was the framed Ronald Reagan over the mantle or the bookcase stuffed with rightwing "hate" books that kept me from warming up. Maybe it was because I never apologized to them, since I would not debase my beliefs that way. Over the past few years they both passed on without us ever really coming back as a family. I was ignored in the will but that was ok. Despite their frequent rantings that I was a disgrace and a bum, I got my education and have been a successful professional for decades. It was a shame that we ceased being a family once I neared adulthood but I learned that I could create my own family and circle of friends in which I could be true to my values and beliefs.

[neverevergivein]

40. Wrong framing on the question by many here

Is politics more important than family? NO BUT...is principles more important than family. YES.

If your father beats you, and you feel like getting beat is wrong, is it right to stick around cuz that's your dad? Hell no. If your family wants to move into a Unibomber shack in Montana, would you go b/c that's your family? NO. And if your parents want to contribute to the downfall of this nation, are you going to go along because that's your family? I hope not.

[Generic Brad]

131. You've Got That Right!

I broke off all contact with my family after Katrina struck. After 9-11 my mother told me I was going to hell for supporting Dems and being married to a non-Christian. My brother would make racial slurs against my wife to me when no one else was within earshot. My sister purposefully excluded me from gatherings because she didn't want her grown children tainted by my "radical" views. The final straw was when my mother told me that since my brother was one of the president's pioneer level donors I could only come to family functions as long I was willing to roll over and let them all say whatever they wanted in support of our great Christian president, provided I censored my opinions.

Screw them all. It's been getting worse and worse with each passing year. I have a responsible job. I'm a solid member of my community. I'm a good father and husband. And I care about the future of this country. Any other family would be proud to have me in their midst. Yet they all have said I am exiled from heaven, have to publicly agree with their opinions without exception, cease blogging and stop committing treason by disrespecting the only political party blessed by God.

My wife and I have been tolerating their blatant racism, politics, religious snobbery, and idiocy for more than twenty years. At some point you have to draw the line. If I were important to my family, they would not have strings attached to everything I do or say.

It's ok to cut the strings. You are nobody's puppet.

[renate]

138. I am feeling nauseated reading your post

Your brother made racial slurs against your wife? To your face? There's never any excuse for racism, but your brother is going out of his f*cking way to be just plain ugly. That's not just immoral, that is a great big purulent f*ck you. I have a bumper sticker that says "Mean People Are Suffering"--your brother is obviously in the ninth circle of hell.
(I don't actually believe in hell, but if I did I'd have a pretty good idea of which one of you was going to it.)

You're a much better person than I would be to even contact these people any more. The OP is only 20 years old, and something about the post makes me think there is still hope if they would at least agree to disagree. In your case, it sounds like your family of origin is foul and beyond hope of redemption. (I just cannot get over the idea that your brother would dis your wife to your face and expect you to consider him anything less than filth.) As unpleasant as they are, I'm sure it was at least a little bit hard to cut those last meagre threads--good for you.

[SammyWinstonJack]

41. I am so sorry for you. I am fortunate to have been raised by

parents who are life long Democrats and all of my family save for two, are Democrats. One is my half brother who I didn't know existed until I was 28 and haven't had much contact with since learning of him and the other is a step sister who I am not close with, so no real loss there either. However, my parents speak too both of them and have an ongoing relationship with both, they just don't discuss politics. Best of luck to you and I hope they change their minds.

[sui generis]

42. Isn't it funny

being disowned for coming out usually involves same sex issues or interracial eloping or something similarly dumb, not for your political affiliations.

I can't even imagine. When I lived in NYC a celeb friend of mine's daughter was secretly married to a Sandinista rebel. On one noteworthy vacation with all of us (not the hubby), the CIA showed up driving a flotilla of cars out in the country to "ask us all some questions" and detained us for the afternoon while she hid in the basement.

Believe me this guy stood up for his daughter even though her choices were politically the farthest possible from his own choices and personal likes.

I can't imagine not doing the same for a kid of mine, even if they turned out to be **GASP** a neocon republican, although I would draw the line at breaking the law in a way that hurt someone.

Your parents probably view everyone who isn't a toe-the-line social conservative and political authoritarian as weak and a liability. It's the equivalent of a primitive tribe exposing a child to die who was born lame or deformed.

The only thing you CAN do for yourself is to be bigger than they are. Be strong, follow your convictions, prove that you're not weak. Be who you want to love you. If you want caring sincere and open hearted people to be attracted to you, you have to be those things yourself, and sometimes that means not looking back. You're young. Your parents are relatively young and dumb too. Give them five or ten years to figure it out, and if they haven't by then, you'll probably already have a new family of your own to take care of and to take care of you.

Chin up. You're in the right place.

[BiggJawn]

45. Join the club.

I have part of my mom in nice wooden box on top of the bookcase, my dad re-married, and I've never met my step-mom because he dropped out of sight and cut off communications with the remmnants of the family that still talk to me, I found out from an Aunt who talked to my nephew that his mom and step-dad divorced...

My mother cut me out of her substantial estate because I was estranged from the family the last time she updated her will, and I got wrote out of it, and I expect nothing from dad, since he constantly tried to beat me over the head with "I'm going to change my Will if you don't do what I want you to" and i suppose his new wife will get it all. So I hear ya on the financial end too.

BTW, I'm almost 50, if that matters.

Family....Feh!

[marions ghost]

147. I have a similar story

In my extended family the greedy Republican step-family grabbed the money/resources from the Democratic wing (long story). They even grabbed things of no consequence just because they could get away with it. And you know, they are so crazy, they still want to be our "friends." That's the part that amazes me--they think whatever benefits them (and only them) is just and right. Oh yeah, and they go to church and all that. This kind of mentality is rampant in this country.

These family divisions are so painful. It's hard to go it alone as a blue individual in a red family. The OP needs some support. There are many good suggestions here. Trying to hold on to the family is worth a try, especially until confidence and support is built up. But boundaries must be set. When (IF) the line is crossed, accept that. It may require grieving. But it is freedom.

[slackmaster]

46. I couldn't communicate with my 'rents from about age 16 - 22

You can only hope that they will ulitmately put blood over politics, and you can all develop the mutual respect to know what topics you simply cannot discuss when you are together.

It's not unusual for people your age to have a falling-out with your folks.

Peace.

[pitohui]

52. it's unusual 4 parents to use that as an excuse not to pay for college tho

that's above and beyond normal young adult/older generational conflict

and it's really suspicious that they are using the conflict as an excuse to keep the $$$ in their own pockets

[slackmaster]

53. The real underlying issue is CONTROL

Some parents have a hard time setting their sons and daughters free.

[Horse with no Name]

47. I'm sorry

I had a nurse colleague that was raised Jehovah's Witness.
She had just passed boards and was on her way home to her parents--not only to give them that good news but to tell them she was leaving the religion.
You can't leave JW--you are excommunicated. You are considered dead.
Even your parents can't acknowledge you.
She was heavily burdened but she knew that she couldn't live her life under that religion.
Unfortunately, she was killed in a car accident on the way home. Her parents never had any idea that no matter what happened on that day, their daughter was going to be dead--one way spiritually and the other way physically.
I don't know what drives people to such extremism.
I can understand cutting off friends or distant relations, but cutting off parental ties because of political or religious idealogy is just absolutely nuts, assuming it was a healthy relationship otherwise.
In my opinion your parents are batshit crazy.
Cut your losses and move on.
Talk to your financial aid office at school and see if they can help you.
This semester should have already been paid for...get a job, do whatever it takes.

[MissMarple]

48. Division and hate, what have we come to? This may help you feel better.

It's an article called "Prophets and Empire" and puts progressive politics in perspective with biblical principles. I'm sorry about your mom...and your dad. The advice you got about trying to agree to disagree with them was good. Keep to the high road and make sure your door stays open. Send cards.... :hug:

http://www.yesmagazine.org/article.asp?ID=1325

"Joseph interpreted Pharaoh’s nightmares as a warning that a great famine was coming. If Pharaoh planned for the disaster, the people and Pharaoh’s empire would be saved. Pharaoh was grateful for this interpretation and placed Joseph in charge of the economy. For seven years, the land and the labor of the people created surplus that Joseph wisely stored away.

After seven years the predicted famine came upon the land with a vengeance. Hunger ruled the nations. But in Egypt there was plenty. Nevertheless, Joseph, perhaps seduced by the privileges of Pharaoh’s wealth, power, and philosophy, did not open the grain
silos to share with the people. Instead he forced the people to sell their livestock to Pharaoh in exchange for bread. Then he forced them to sell Pharaoh their land, and finally their bodies until all were enslaved to Pharaoh. All, that is, except the priests, who continued to bless the power of Pharaoh.

The story is a snapshot of Empire, which plunders the commonwealth of the people while protecting the wealth of the elite, with religion going along for the ride. It is a story of hope betrayed.

Jubilee and resistance
But the ancient wisdom also tells a story of hope regained. Alongside the story of Empire, which rises up repeatedly in history, there is also a story of resistance to Empire. The story of resistance emerges from the vision of economic justice known as the Jubilee. The Jubilee is central to the Torah, the Prophets, and the ministry of both Jesus and Paul.

The Jubilee was a blueprint for a just economy. It put a floor under misfortune and misery, preventing generational poverty, even as it put a ceiling on wealth, preventing the emergence of an aristocratic dynasty. It did this through elevating ownership of land, which in those days was wealth, into the hands of God the Creator. Because God owned the land (the wealth), we human beings had no right to seize it for ourselves. It was to be shared for the benefit of all."

[thecrow]

49. I have relatives to whom I talk very little about poltics anymore

Both sides agreed to disagree and stick only to no-conflict conversations.
This has been going on for years, but never more than the 2004 election.
I'm sad that this is the way to have to conduct oneself, but at least I have not lost all contact.

[hatrack]

51. If they would do this to you - their child - then they don't deserve you

Walk, now, in the opposite direction. If they have the unmitigated gall and self-righteous arrogance to do this to you at age 20, it will never get any better.

Leave - their loss, not yours.

[HeeBGBz]

57. Walk away. Tough love and all that.

If you can't co-exist under "no political discussions allowed" mutual agreement, then maybe just keep a distance and they'll lighten up in time. Being blackmailed into compromising your beliefs will not work.

[ronnykmarshall]

58. I am so sorry to hear this.

They will come around in time. It's like coming out to your family when your gay.

They love you. Just give it time.

[BlueIris]

59. Egh. All I can tell you is that I...really regret allowing my parents

who are assholes on so many levels...to pay for my education. I think people, especially those who are supposed to love you, who would give you an ultimatim of this nature, are assholes.

[dogday]

60. It's pretty sad day when your political affiliations

trump the love of your child....

[mnhtnbb]

62. I was black sheep in conservative family, too

Going to college woke me up from the stupor of my family's right wing Republican politics. This was 1969--in the midst of VietNam War which was the wedge that was driven between us. My parents are now gone, but my brother and I are still friendly. We agree to disagree on politics.
I tried to get him to vote against Bush in the last election, and even though he is a scientist, he couldn't bring himself to do it. So when we're together (he lives in Philly and I'm in Chapel Hill, NC) we avoid talking politics.

Breaking with family tradition is VERY hard. Give your parents some space
to think about what they are doing. I continued to have a good relationship with my father until his death, but never did get along with my mother after I learned to think for myself.

Best of luck to you.

[Cleita]

63. As an old person, I run into other old people who don't talk to

nor have any contact with their grown children. They are very sad about it, but often admit that the rift happened because the kids wouldn't do what they told them to do. So these are old people who are often ill, some dying and they have no family to help them. Not only that they have been cut off from their grandchildren.

Perhaps you could enlist the aid of a more sympathic family member or friend to ask them if this is what they want, to be cut off from any future grandchildren and to die alone and uncared for? I'm sure if those other elderly people, who have lost their children, had known how this would end up, they would have tried to meet their children half way.

[GreenPartyVoter]

64. :^( I am so sorry to hear this *hugs*. My in-laws are conservative

evangelicals but we have agreed to disagree on religion and politics because we love each other.

I think it's really rotten that your family is acting as though they can only love you if you are a carbon copy of them in every respect. My guess is that they honestly think that liberalism is dangerous and are scared for you, thus thinking that some tough love will bring you back into the fold. That's how it was with my hubby and me when I first started talking to him about my liberal theological beliefs. He was scared to death that I was Hell-bound and surely taking our kids with me.

I wish you luck and offer up prayers and positive vibes that you can either salvage your relationship with your folks or find the strength it takes to cut them out of your life.

:hug:

[Swamp Rat]

66. Kiss and make up.

And DO NOT TALK POLITICS with them until AFTER you finish your degree(s).

You can repair this rift with your parents, but a few guidelines are necessary to accomplish this... seek expert advice. Talk to a counselor or two at school about how to do this. There are a lot of smart folks on this board, but I recommend you talk to a professional counselor in person.

Don't worry. This is not the end of the world. :)

Though, the creature below sure makes it seem that way. :D

[WilliamPitt]

68. Wrath

One of the things that disturbs me about these fundamentalist Christian types is the degree to which they pervasively ignore the strictures of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Specifically, wrath.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Your ideas have caused your parents to try to blackmail you back into the fold. The best I can tell you is to stand strong for yourself.

[4_TN_TITANS]

69. Like most Republicans.....

they are trying to make the (lack of their) money talk you back to the dark side.

Stick to your beliefs, you'll be better in the end....

[abbiehoff]

70. Buy them Jimmy Carter's book, "Our Endangered Values".

My mother is 82 and has always been a Republican. She is not very political, but assumed the GW was a good person because he is so overtly "Christian". My mother is also a Christian, but more of a real one. I think the Carter book has really opened her eyes about the corruption of the Republican party. We generally just avoid talking about politics, but I really think she may be coming around.

[FreedomAngel82]

103. That's a good idea

I'm reading it now and it's a great book. :) It touches on everything that was big in the 2004 year/election.

[DS1]

71. Yay for COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM!

Sucks to be you, kid :shrug:

[AngryAmish]

72. Republicans are bloodthirsty monsters

The sooner you realize this the better. You are better off without them.

[fooj]

73. I'm so sorry to hear that.

My advice...do what your heart and mind tell you to do. Be who you are and believe what you believe. NO ONE can take that away from you. Ever.

Peace.

[Vinca]

74. No offense, but your family must be nuts. No advice, I'm afraid,

just know it's them and not you.

[maxsolomon]

75. lie to them & take their money. get through school.

vote your conscience. don't talk politics with them.

[Jose Diablo]

76. If it were me

I'd forget about it. Just go about your business. Give it a couple months. Make sure that your don't allow a escalation of raw emotional anger. Then when they make overtures like coming home for a break, say ok. Let it slide.

Politics is not something anyone should allow break a family-up. Still make your stand known, don't compromise on that, but if it is something that just will cause fighting, avoid it. You can choose friends, but you cannot choose family.

It's not worth fighting in the family over.

That's my take, others may disagree.

[WI_DEM]

78. If they are going to break relationship with you over politics then

there wasn't much of a foundation there to begin with, IMO. A person must do what their conscience dictates. You don't have to talk politics with your family if they don't like it and they don't have to talk their conservative politics in front of you. If there is nothing else, then that is sad.

[renate]

79. it sounds like you're going to have to be the grownup here

If friends can agree to not talk about politics to keep a friendship, I would certainly think that family members who, as you say, have always been close can agree not to let a bunch of politicians break them up.

It is just not worth it, and it's kind of pathetic that they don't already see that.

I don't have any close family members who are Bush-lovers, but I have a few friends who are. 1) Any friendship, strong or even just casual, is not worth losing over Bush, who is a stranger to both me and them, and 2) I just look at those folks as sort of impaired. They know not what they do, etc. I mean, there are people who honestly and innocently believe that FOX is a real news channel, and that therefore what issues forth from it is is the truth; I can't blame them for being slow, any more than I blame a 5-year-old for believing in Santa Claus.

Just think of them as good, trusting people (I assume you still feel that they are good people) who have been led astray. (And, of course, refuse to be drawn into a political discussion with them!)

[Xenotime]

80. Can you sue parents?

Esp. if they tread you this wrong for over 20 years?

[malaise]

83. Mine did the same three decades ago but guess what

They grew to respect my views and within a decade we were closer than before. I maintained my beliefs and they modified theirs as both were too intelligent to reject facts.

Continue to send them birthday cards, mothers day and father's day cards. No doubt you'll be the first to show up when they need help. Time and facts heal most things.

By the way, I paid my own way through university because I refused to accept their terms and would not attend the university of their choice. From the day I turned 18 and decided to make my own decisions, I took $45 from my parents. Both left me a small inheritance when they died but by then we were good friends and I helped them quite a bit.

You will discover that financial independence is one of the greatest freedoms on the planet. Good luck.

Edit -add.

[meisje]

85. Just lie to them and take the money! Drop the news to them at graduation

[librechik]

87. Tell em you were brought up by good Americans who taught you

to vote your conscience. And you trust they will do the same. And you totally respect their politics and beliefs, as you expect them to respect yours.

Ehh--it might work. After that give em a big smile and reassure them by saying don't worry, of course I'll do the right thing!--and never discuss politics with them again. They cannot know what you do in the privacy of the voting booth, and you don't have to tell them.

It's a sad truth that everybody loses their family at some point or other. Sometimes the child has to be the adult.

[RB TexLa]

88. Ridiculous, family is above politics

At least it should be.


I have family members that are Republicans, I couldn't care they are my family and if they needed something I have it's theirs.

[wellst0nev0ter]

89. Hmm, So That's How Republicans Win Elections

If they are willing to give up their own children in favor of their extremism, that kind of movement will be pretty hard to defeat.

[Libby2]

90. No advice

I'm just sorry to hear what politics can do to a family.
I wish you well.

[Maru Kitteh]

91. EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL pure and simple - it's the tool of the weak

Is it possible they are just bluffing in an attempt to control you and get you "in line"?

[rateyes]

93. HOOOO....sigh...

It's difficult when one's parents choose politics over their child....doens't sound like "unconditional" love...although, they might look at it as "tough love." I'm sorry, but you are not alone, believe me.

[FreedomAngel82]

94. I'm sorry

I'm close to my family too (it's all I've got right now) so I don't know what I would do if that happened to me. :hug: Luckily my family is cool with my political affiliations. Last time I was visiting my grandmother on my dad's side around Christmas my aunt, dad and I got into a debate about the death penalty and I told my stance and my aunt said shockingly how I was a liberal. Of course she didn't care either way even though she was more conservative than me. During the last election she and my other aunt (my dad has two sisters) claimed to be ashamed of me because I had a Kerry/Edwards sticker on my car. :eyes: My grandmother at the time didn't get why I was voting Kerry but now she does I believe since she doesn't like Bush anymore. Family and friends are way more important to me personally than politics and other things like that. :( I hope you'll be okay financially.

[CrackpotAmerica]

97. Although it is difficult, you are doing the right thing:

Even if the tables were turned and you had independently decided that your beliefs were conservative and they were staunch liberals, you would be doing the right thing.

The singular thing that no person can take from you; not your family, your friends or lovers, not even your worst enemy, is your dignity.

Your family will have to accept your decision. Be warned, it may take quite a bit of time; however, as you had said that you have always been very close with your family, you must know that they love you underneath such foolishness..

Since you know where they stand, you should seek the financial aid on your own. I had to pay my way through. It took me longer to finish, but no one can take credit for my graduating but me!

I hope it all works out for you. You came to the right place to find people who will genuinely care about you!

:grouphug:

Welcome to DU!

On Edit:

:recommended:

[mdmc]

98. Go back to your folks

Leave hell to us lefties. Really, your folks love you - go spend their money. They will never know if you donate to moveon.org ...

[BigBearJohn]

102. Boy! If that doesn't sound like a Republican. Shoooo!

Thank God you have more smarts than they do.
There may be hope for this world yet.
It could be worse.

[MakeItSo]

106. Just make a vow to yourself not to talk politics around them

And if they start talking politics, don't be rude, just back off.

Easier said than done of course; I remember being 20 and being in the same boat. But 1) sounds like they honestly love you and 2) being antagonistic won't convince them of anything.

In my old age I've come to appreciate the opportunity to talk about politics with my conservative father. I imagine it'll get better for you over time as you get more comfortable with your own individual grown-up identity. For me the epiphany was having kids myself. I connected with my folks in a way that transcended politics, and at the same time became more certain of my own convictions.

One of my best friends from early childhood is a very conservative Republican who lives in one of those big square states out West. Lots of conservative folks are decent people; they honestly care about the state of things and they are driven by what they think are sound principals.

Family is more important than politics, at least at this stage of the game for us all, and hopefully for a long time to come.

[Canuckistanian]

104. What would they have you do?

Tell them you're sorry and you've seen the light now? That you really like * and you think he's the best leader the country ever had?

If politics means THAT much to them, even above the parent-child relationship, then they'll ALWAYS suspect you. And remember that if your parents are Fox-watching, Limbaugh-listening "true believers", that means they consider you a traitor. Literally.

The only thing to do is negociate an "agree to disagree" pact with them. it's done all the time as many here will tell you. But it has to be a strict rule. No politics to be discussed by one party in the presence of the other party. No exceptions.

Still, a shitty situation to be in. You have my condolences.

[tlsmith1963]

105. That's Disgusting

But what do you expect? After years of listening to people like Limbaugh & O'Reilly, Republicans don't have a heart anymore. I'm really not surprised that things like this are happening. I wish it were otherwise, because I used to get along with Republicans. It's sad to see what they've become, mindless sheep who would have voted for Hitler in a heartbeat.

Tammy

[BlueManDude]

107. Bush's ultimate lie - "I'm a united not a divider."

Sorry about your folks.

[BushOut06]

108. Does family mean that little to them?

They would be so willing to excommunicate you just like that? I hate to say this, but if they are that shallow and hateful, maybe you're better off not being around them. Hopefully they'll eventually come around and realize what they've done, and what a wonderful person they've cast away.

[redacted]

110. Get someone to talk with . . .

I'm no expert, but I know a think or two about families that play with nuclear weapons.

I strongly recommend that you find some at your school you can discuss this with, a professional. You will have alot of sorting out and grieving to do.

Also, I suspect this really has nothing to do with your politics. I could be wrong, but shunning a child because of their political views is not the kind of thing a parents from a functioning family systems do.

You sound like a caring person who really loves their family.

Best wishes to you.

[MissWaverly]

111. try to convince them that you are not a demon child

say you still believe in right vs wrong, saving your pennies, washing the car, walking
the dog, brushing your teeth, this is after they cool off. Tell them you are not
going to dye your hair purple and blow your mind on drugs. Sounds like they had
a total meltdown, why don't you send them a box of candy or something for valentines
day, say you are still great parents (although poltically inept). Now that you are
becoming an adult, you will realize that your parents are just 2 adults on the planet
and not minor gods. They don't have to and probably won't see things the way you do.

[applegrove]

113. I always think it is better to not blame the little people in this whole

neocon world. Stop talking politics with them. Work your way towards the light yourself. And when they too see it - be there.

[CoffeeCat]

114. Seen the light, I know how you feel...

First off, let me say that I'm sorry. I know this must hurt, and it must be difficult. Family is family. They should be there for you and I'm sorry that the members of your family are not behaving in the caring, supportive way that you deserve.

You are 20 years old and you probably left home just a few years ago. You're changing, you're
learning new things and your opinions are changing. Those are good things. However, your parents
don't see it that way. It is normal and expected that a man leaves his family, goes to college
and forms new opinions or learns new things that change his thinking. Most adults change dramatically throughout their twenties. It's called growth, and it's a good thing. I'm sorry that your parents are making you feel guilty about your own "truth." It's also a low blow that they are manipulating you with money. Paying for your college should be a gift and not contingent on you holding opinions with which they agree.

You are being an adult and doing nothing wrong. In fact, you are being honest and courageous. You're telling the truth and not hiding who you are. That's commendable. You're courageous for being a truth teller. You probably intuitively knew that they would be unhappy. Still, you expressed your feelings and tried to dialog with them. YOU ARE DECENT AND AMAZING. I'm sorry that I can't say the same for your parents, right now.

Your parents are making the choice to act like closed-minded bullies. It's wrong. I'm a parent. I would never threaten to cut off my children financially, because our political views differ. I support them, give them advice and love them--no matter what. I'm sorry that your parents are not behaving well right now. Please remember that it's not your fault. For some reason, they are very rigid and controlling. That's their stuff. It's not yours.

I imagine that this is especially difficult because you come from a very close family. It's difficult to go against what they want--because it causes friction and you sense that they will not accept you or love you if you don't comply. That can be scary. However, you have a long time to sort all of this out. There's more to come. Maybe your parents will loosen up. Maybe they will see how ridiculous they are being. Then again, maybe they won't. Time will tell.

You are an adult now. You can make these decisions for yourself. You have to be true to yourself and honest. In addition, you have the right to explore, learn, grow, change your mind and reject or accept any view you want. That's what being an adult is all about. It's interesting...you've changed your political views--but you still love your parents and want a close relationship. However, they are not offering you the same respect. Maybe you need to turn the tables on them and say, "Ok, if you can reject me because of my political views, how would you feel if I demanded that you become a flaming liberal--or else I cut off all contact with you?" That's what your parents are doing to you. Ask them how they would feel if you did the same.

You sound like a very conscientious, trailblazer and a very brave person. Do you have siblings? Would I be guessing right if I said that you were the first child to go against your parents' political beliefs? It sounds like your parents expect compliance. Usually, the first child to "go against the grain" gets hit the hardest.

I come from a very rigid, controlling family of right-wingers. Our situations might be different, but I do understand what it is like to be rejected, ostracized and manipulated in the ways you describe. My parents did cut off my college funding. It was difficult, because my siblings were given loads of money. However, I look back and realize that finding my own way was imperative. It hurt to feel that they were disappointed in me. However, the benefits of being your authentic self were immeasurable. My siblings are still compliant. They grew up just like my parents and they parent their own children with the same kind of dysfunctional rigidity. I look at them, and I'm so glad that I blazed my own trail.

Sometimes, standing up for what you believe means that you will disappoint, hurt and offend others. However, going along will leave you hollow and untrue to yourself. Risk making your parents uncomfortable to follow your own heart and intellect.

I know that I've never regretted it.

Dealing with dysfunctional families like this is a process--a slow journey. You and your parents and other family members are not done talking. You don't have to break contact or say good bye. However, you need to put the focus on YOURSELF--and being yourself. How your parents react will tell you what you need to know. You can make your decisions about your relationship with them, as they show you who they are---supportive and loving or controlling and toxic.

I wouldn't care if you were a liberal who went conservative or a conservative who went liberal. You have the right to be who you are. Your parents should celebrate your journey, not punish you for it. NO matter what--please remember that you are courageous and strong. You dared to be honest when you were afraid and you risked losing your family.

You've got a spark and I hope you continue to follow that spark and let it grow! You will change the world if you do.

[mslawstudent]

116. Have you considered some sort of reversal

Tax time is coming up.

Maybe your parents finances are worse then they're letting on. Unless you've been instigating major argumentsm this could easily just be an excuse. Promise you'll respect there beliefs in there house and then tell them if they are concerned about their finances your willing to make some sacrifices. (Never works on a right winger. I've flipped two or three by slow gentle action.)

[Brundle_Fly]

118. NO Political Issues

should be able to break up a family.

Politics should be a personal choice, however, if your views differ from your parents, then just don't discuss politics, stick to other news and keep any radicalism out of it.

Sounds to me like your parents watch too much Fox, you can't re-educate them any more than you convince them the sky is red. This isn't your job either btw, people are allowed to differ on politics, it called a democracy. If it is too heated, leave it out of the mix, suck it up when they make their comments and count to ten, politics isn't as important as your family, no matter what you hear.

If it keeps getting to you, keep coming here, keep venting. Let it out.

Think of your parents house as a pub, you are supposed to leave your politics at the door.

[lonestarnot]

119. Well maybe it's time to completely fly the nest. Only takes one step to

start a journey and who knows what you'll find. Could be exciting!

[LibertyorDeath]

120. From a Parent, if they want to disown you for your political views

then they do not deserve the title of Parent.

It's just that simple it's juvenile behavior of small minded people.

They just happen to be your parents.

[Ilsa]

121. Maybe you should try to stay friends with them, and just keep politics off

limits. Avoid those conversations. I have conservative family also and sometimes i have to work really hard at getting along with them at family functions. Given your age and situation, you might be needin gtheir help until you can get out of college and get a good job.

I wish you lots of luck. I hope things work out for you. :pals:

[Catherine Vincent]

122. That is so republican to do something like that.

To worship Bush that bad like that. Ick. My only advice is to stay clear from them if that's what they want. Or talk to them and say let's forget what happened and agree to not discuss politics. I think they may come around to their senses eventually. If they don't want to do any of that, then they have serious problems and they can't be helped. :(

Good luck to you. :hi:

[derby378]

123. So their love is conditional on you being a RWer like they are?

You know what? Any family that shallow needs a serious reality check. My parents are Republicans until the day they die, but they realize that I wouldn't be a Democrat unless I had a damn good reason for being one. They're proud of the fact that I'm running for precinct chair and might actually win if things keep up the way they are.

I am really sorry that they are considering disowning you. I wish I knew what advice to offer you, but good luck no matter what you do. Just remember to keep yourself honest.

[esvhicl]

124. Your opinion is your own business.

You don't have to "come out" to your parents. Just try to avoid talking politics. Especially if you know you won't change their minds. Just smile and bite your tongue.

And be as politically active as you can be outside of their presence.

That's my advice.

[Cell Whitman]

125. Tell them you are a GOLDWATER DEMOCRAT....

"Goldwater Democrat" ain't that a thing of beauty?

http://quotes.liberty-tree.ca/quote/barry_goldwater_quote_6fcc

Source: Congressional Record, September 16, 1981
"However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly.

The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.

I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' and 'D.' Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of 'conservatism.' -- Barry Goldwater 9/16/81

[Cell Whitman]

126. GOLDWATER DEMOCRAT

I have heard audio of Goldwater saying in 1961 that he begged Republicans to call themselves "conservatives" and they wouldn't do it. They wanted to be called "progressives" and stuff like that. Goldwater said the country called them conservatives so why shouldn't they?

http://www.azcentral.com/specials/special25/articles/0531goldwater2.html

Conservative pioneer became an outcast
Michael Murphy
The Arizona Republic
May. 31, 1998 12:00 PM

In 1996, Barry Goldwater sat in his Paradise Valley home with Bob Dole and joked about his strange new standing as a GOP outsider.

''We're the new liberals of the Republican Party,'' Goldwater told Dole, who was then facing criticisms from hard-line conservatives in the presidential campaign.

''Can you imagine that?''

It was difficult to picture, but by the time he reached his mid-80s, Barry Goldwater had become something of an outcast in the political movement that he pioneered.

Though he continued his support of a strong national defense, Goldwater aggravated so many conservatives on other issues that some in Arizona once suggested stripping his name from party headquarters.

He confounded them on many issues:

* Goldwater had won support of abortion opponents in his 1980 U.S. Senate re-election campaign, but in his final term, he voted consistently to uphold the 1973 Supreme Court ruling that legalized abortion. Later in life, he was honored by Planned Parenthood.

* In 1981, Goldwater assailed the founder of the Moral Majority, the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Responding to Falwell's statement that all good Christians should be concerned about the Supreme Court nomination of Arizonan Sandra Day O'Connor, he said, ''I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.''

* In 1987, Goldwater, who had described then Gov. Evan Mecham as ''hardheaded,'' called on the Republican maverick to resign.

* In 1989, Goldwater said the Republican Party had been taken over by a ''bunch of kooks,'' a reference to forces supporting TV evangelist Pat Robertson and Mecham.

* In 1992, he endorsed Democrat Karan English for Congress over Republican Doug Wead.

* In June 1993, Goldwater declared that the military should lift its ban on gays in the military. He also railed against discrimination against gays and lesbians in the workplace. ....

''I absolutely do not think that he changed in the sense of becoming more liberal, as some of the critics have said,'' said Rep. John Shadegg, R-Ariz., whose father, Stephen, ran several of Goldwater's campaigns.

''I would challenge anybody who knew who Barry Goldwater was to establish anything that shows his basic philosophy ever really changed,'' Shadegg said.

Added Sam Steiger, who served with Goldwater in Congress, ''I think the image of Goldwater moving or the party leaving Goldwater . . . that's all crap. I've always believed that.''

[susanna]

127. I did approximately the same thing in 1988 as a 21 year old.

I'm still alive, paying my bills, and arguing with Dad and Mom.

It depends a lot on you. If you can do without their aid, find other sources. If not, I guess you have some problems.

I have to say: one thing my parents never did is threaten to not talk to me for my political change of heart. We still disagree, but reasonably. If your parents can not do that, well, I think you were dealt a lousy hand. Most adults can agree to disagree without drastic measures. If that is not the case for you, I am so sorry....

on edit: what am I thinking? Most die-hard pubs these days will not allow dissent. I am thinking back to a dreamier, lovelier and more accepting time. Sorry. :-(

[proud2BlibKansan]

129. They are breaking off ties because of your political views?

That's crazy. You're better off without them.

[bunny planet]

130. Parents should love their children more than their politics. That is just

plain wrong. I feel for you.

[leesa]

134. Let them go. You are 20 years old and when they grow up you can still be

there for them.

[EVDebs]

135. Really piss 'em off and register Green !

Seriously, the world runs out of oil in less than 27 years

1 trillion barrel of world oil reserves divided by

84 million barrels of oil consumed daily RIGHT NOW.

The arithmetic may convince your folks that your age, 20, means YOU have to think about the future.

After all, they have their greenbacks as insulation and comfort in their wealthy Republican future with care in the nursing home and a great retirement, while YOU will just have to fend for yourself. They can snuggle up to their bond accounts and sleep tight knowing the rest of the world is going to hell in a handbasket, you included.

You can also read what Republican columnist Paul Craig Roberts has to say about impeaching Bush...he's all for it !

[roguevalley]

136. First of all, HUGS!!!!!!!!!! Your parents have overreacted while absorbing

a shock. Rather like gay kids coming out to their parents. I am sorry they have done this. It must feel like a terrible betrayal. What you should do is press on and keep the communication lines open. Send cards at the holidays, call, do your best. Let them think it through. Remember, you did nothing wrong except become your own person with your own mind. Keep up. Don't give up. Don't despair. Post here often. You will always get hugs from me, honey.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

139. Republican family values

Gotta love them......

Just ask them one thing. "Is politics more important than family?"

I don't see how they can answer that in a satisfactory manner when they are doing this to you.

[LunaC]

141. Gotta' be true to yourself

One of my favorite quotes:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, it's doing what's right in the presence of fear."

As difficult and gut-wrenching as it may be, there comes a time when ya' just gotta' Walk the Walk.....

I'm speaking from personal experience since I haven't interacted with my Family for years and have no regrets whatsoever. With time, I discovered that "family" isn't necessarily blood relatives, but like-minded kindred spirits.

[dave123williams]

144. Maybe it's time you stood up for what you believe.

They may not ever agree with you, but they'll have to respect you.

[Danieljay]

145. My friend....as Richard Bach wrote in "Illusions"...

"The bond that binds the true family is not one of blood, but of joy and respect in each others lives". If there is no joy and no respect, there is no family. Throw a dinner party for those that you consider your best friends and peers, those that support you and respect you; and bring you joy. Then pass out the adoption papers and welcome yourself to your true family.

[July]

146. Be strong and tell them that bullying you won't bring you to their cause.

Then walk away. They'll crack first if you tell them you're not selling your integrity, even to your own parents. And if they don't crack -- well, they're pretty harsh people, and you may be better off distancing yourself, at least till they treat you as an adult who can make his (her?) own decisions. I know it's not easy, but it could be for the best in the end. I know what I'm talking about, having a very aggressive parent of my own. Good luck.

[Sivafae]

148. I am really sorry that this is happeing.

I have been cut off from my family for the simple reason of money. It is still sad. I agree with those that say to seek therapy. But I also wanted to add that things may have gotten to a fever pitch and out of hand. Time and patience are all you have on your side. Let them know that you are still there for them if they need you, especially since you indicated that you have always been close. Only you know what kind of situation you are in, and can be the best judge. If you feel that is abusive, then take some time away from them. If you feel that bad judgement has got the better of them, then you know that the bonds haven't been broken. Remember that we are all human, and that we make mistakes. Deciding for yourself what to believe about the world around you is NOT a mistake. Children are not "mini-me's."
On another note, it is hard for me believe that any christian would believe that politics are more important than family. If there is a person in your life that may act as a conduit between you and your family, then that may also be a choice. Hopefully it would be a person that both you and your family trusts. Perhaps your pastor, or priest. If however this person believes that you are going to hell for your beliefs, then they may not be the best person.
If it all goes wrong and you are totally on your own, I say support yourself and wait until you are 24 and get financial aid to get through school. Or, if there has been a breakdown in support from the family, you may still be able to receive assistance for your schooling. Ask.
More importantly, if the breakdown has come to a standstill and no progress has made, raise your voice. No, I don't mean yelling, I mean by letting people know what has happened to you. Write to the editor of your local paper, try to write opinions, and speak up to those that will listen. Perhaps others will listen and realize that we are all suppose to work together. Also, you will find that others have expeirenced what you have, and you won't feel so alone.
Peace be with you.

[converted_democrat]

150. See post #149, you'll do fine, if not better, without them...n/t

[baby_mouse]

151. Eventually they will see the light.

Go your way. The world is full of wonderful people. For now, live your life.

Try not to forget them... You only have one family... but they have to come to you having changed their minds...

[Onlooker]

153. They'll come around

Here's what will eventually happen. Eventually you'll be able to make a gesture that resolves the situation. I have a friend from a very conservative family, and he was almost estranged. But, then a cousin of his decided to run for some local office. My friend, as a gesture, gave $50 to his right-wing cousin's campaign (out of family love, not out of political beliefs), and the thaw began. Unless your family is really cold, they will come around. But a word of warning: Beware of rightward drift as you get older; you're going to be under a lot of pressure to return to the fold, unless they decide to just treat you as the chamring eccentric in the family!

[Butterflies]

154. You must feel less alone in your situation now

I only read about half of the thread, and there are lots of good pieces of advice in those posts.

I was excommunicated by my parents when I was 19 (I also had right-wing controlling parents), and it's been years since I've seen them. It was very difficult at first, but you get used to anything eventually and I only miss them on holidays now.

Since you and your parents used to be close I bet you'll work things out somewhat. Just keep some healthy distance, and be your own person. If they love you they should respect you.

[bobbieinok]

155. the very best wishes in this difficult time

[manxome]

156. Find common ground

Since all I know is that you outed yourself and they are talking about pulling all support, I can only assume that their reaction is knee-jerk. That doesn't mean it's what they'll end up doing. They may have never seen developing, as you've been away at college during that time.

I cannot advocate backtracking and pretending. That won't sit well with your conscience, and in the end, they are likely to see you as greedy and easy to manipulate. That means that your future relationship will not benefit. They will either lose rescpect for you, or try to exert even more control. Since it's the relationship that you value over the money, in the long term staying true to yourself is best for both you and your relationship with them.

I think the key is to focus on the common ground. What is it they value? Critical thinking? A family that stays close no matter what? Honesty and integrity? Exchange of ideas? Can you share a specific anecdote about some previous positive experience with them that taught you something about standing up for your beliefs or accepting people with different ideas? Whatever it is, you can tell them, credit them, thank them, and tell them that's why you felt that you could share this with them. Just be sure it's honest. Then tell them what you originally posted. That (assuming this is not typical behavior for them) you realize they may have been surprised to hear this news from you, that you still love and respect them just as much as you ever did, and that you hope they still feel the same way.

Doesn't give them a lot to disagree with, and blows them away with what a great kid they did raise.

Hope this turns out well for you.

[AgadorSparticus]

157. I can't tell you all the times my parents disowned me. We fight

like cats and dogs because I learned to think for myself and they were scared. But they got over it. It's a growing process for both you and your parents. And hopefully, they are just empty threats as mine were.

[Catherine Vincent]

159. Any updates?

[debbierlus]

160. That is really tough - you have some kind of courage

You should be very proud of yourself

[mello1]

161. I'm Sry to Hear this.... but...

There is something critically wrong with people when politics means more than blood. In the end, who the fukk cares?

I feel bad that your parents would be so callous. But others have broken ties with family members over more serious matters and it hurts no less.

Perhaps one day your parents will realize that you are still their baby. But for now, just be the best person you can be for yourself and don't apologize for how you feel or what you believe in.

((((HUGS))))

[rox63]

162. Welcome to the light

I am so sorry your family is treating you this way. A parent's love for their child should be unconditional. Every single person on this planet deserves unconditional love from their parents. I know that often doesn't happen, but it should. And it is heartless and cold on their part to deny you their love based on politics or religion.

[Heewack]

164. That's really terrible.

I sincerely hope your family reconsiders. Family is way above any politics.


I think it is sad anytime a freind or family member decides to walk away from a person because of their politcal beliefs.

Intolerance never solved anything.

I wish the best for you.

[Momoftwo]

165. I'm so sorry for you - I can relate

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I can definitely relate. In college, my parents threatened to "cut me off" if I moved in with some of my guy friends. I capitulated because I loved my family and didn't want to lose them. But, I have regretted the decision to cave ever since. In the twenty years since then, I have backed down after nearly every disagreement that we have ever had. I stood up to them in little ways, but always knew what the consequences would be if I really stood my ground. They have thought for years that we have a "great" relationship. But, it has always been about controlling with guilt and emotional blackmail.

After college, I married a wonderful man and had two children. With the grandchildren, my parents became even more controlling. Everything had to be their way - our kids were expected to do things their way too. My brothers and I stepped in line and did what they wanted (holidays, family trips, dinners out - it was always their way). It finally came to a head two years ago. My dad interfered in my husband's career behind his back. One thing that makes it especially difficult is that very few people seem to understand a problem like this. Most people think my parents are wonderful people. They don't see the subtle bullying that goes on behind the scenes.

I finally got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. My husband and I (respectfully) told them how we felt and that they needed to have more respect for us, our marriage and our position as our children's parents. Their response was to excommunicate me from the family. They are now in the process of spreading misinformation about me to my brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins. The conflict has torn our family apart. I have spent the last few years doing damage control to try to save the relationships in my family that I can. I knew this would happen, so I had to get to a point where I was ready to lose everyone. It took me twenty years, but I finally got there!

It has been a very difficult road. As difficult as they are, I miss my family very much. But, I don't regret my decision for a minute. If you think that your family is controlling now, just wait until there are grandkids and a spouse involved. My advice would be that it's best to stand up for what you believe right now. If they come around eventually, great. If they don't, oh well. At least you were true to yourself. And in the end, that's where real happiness lies. It's too bad that people feel so threatened by their children growing up that they feel that they have to rule over them with an iron fist to keep them close. But, it happens and it's very painful.

I'm really sorry for you. Stand your ground. Be firm and try to keep an open heart. Good luck. I'm hoping for the best possible outcome for you!;(

[gauguin57]

166. Do NOT give George W. Bush control over your relationship with

your family.

I have family members with whom I have had a five-year moratorium on talking about politics. It just poisons family gatherings, and I won't give Bush and his ilk the satisfaction of breaking up my family!!!

Most people get one family in this life. Many get only one set of parents. My advice ... talk to them. Tell them you love them and want to keep a relationship with them no matter what happens. If that means not talking politics, so be it. You're free to be angry at them threatening to cut you off. But maybe they're just lashing out and not thinking clearly. You may have to be the bigger person (Democrats usually end up with that role!) and tell them you love them and don't want to lose them, even if you're on opposite sides of the Great Divide.

Don't pretend to be something you're not. They are your parents, and if they really love you (which I'm sure they do) they'll learn to accept your new way of looking at the world!

[d_b]

167. Sorry to hear it, man.

If your family is THAT hardcore then its probably a blessing in disguise. Disowning a child based on politics? That's insane.


After 2004 I just wanted to get away from my family. I couldn't stand looking at them. I can't HATE people that are ignorant, but I can sure as hell not want to be around 'em for a few months =)