My brother, the ultra-conservative, holier than thou, "values" voter...

[ClintonTyree]

the brother that criticizes and condemns everyone that disagrees with the Bush Administration, believes religion should be taught in schools and that minorities are all "on the dole and lazy scum".......has just abandoned his wife and daughter. Not only that, he's moved in with his "best friend's" girlfriend. Apparently they've been having an affair for quite some time under everyones' noses. She has a six month old baby and now we're all wondering if it's his and not his "best friend's".

I'm so totally disgusted with my brother. I've bitten my tongue all of these years, I've tried to be understanding but this is the last straw. His wife and daughter are wonderful and in NO WAY deserve what he's done to them. My mother is beside herself, I worry about her health. She's in Florida and worried sick about this. I'm still in a state of shock, I can't believe he'd do this. He's ruined so many lives here......

AND, he's a big "gun nut". I'm worried that he'll do something REALLY stupid, I'm very concerned about the safety of his wife and daughter. He's completely lost it. He did this without consulting anyone, no one knew anything about all this.

I need some advice. Should I contact law enforcement and tell them of my suspicions? I REALLY think he might do harm to his wife and daughter, he's out of control. The woman he took off with is as irresponsible and and fucked up as he is. They both drink heavily and in his present state of mind I fear the worst. Should I call the police?

I'm heartbroken about this, the entire family is, AND I'm scared about what he might do. Any suggestions from my DU family? :cry:

[Ian David]

1. Contact a family law lawyer, first. n/t

[Lydia Leftcoast]

25. Yes, get a family law lawyer

and make sure that the bozo hasn't emptied the family bank accounts and/or charged up a lot on the couple's joint credit cards. (That happened to a friend of mine.)

[Binka]

2. Alert The Authorities

Get your SIL and niece to go someplace safe. Take everything he says and does SERIOUSLY. Hang on buddy.

[ClintonTyree]

5. They're still in their house.......

I'm wondering if I should change the door locks so he can't get in.

[Binka]

7. Lock Change Is Good But They Should Go Somewhere Safe

And not be alone until this thing settles down a bit. A violent drunk can easily break a window please urge them to go and be with friends or family(if at all possible.)

[girl gone mad]

38. Not necessarily.

She should consult with a lawyer because if she leaves the house there is a possibility she could lose it in the divorce, depending on the state laws, etc.

[City Lights]

16. That might not be legal.

Some states have laws that guarantee that the homeowners have access to the home. I think it's best to contact a family lawyer about how to proceed.

[truedelphi]

35. I think a restraining order would allow them to change the locks

Not saying I know whether or not she could get one - but it's worth a try

[Ex Lion Tamer]

3. I have no advice. But I'll keep you in my prayers.

That's a tough one.

[lapislzi]

4. What leads you to think he would become violent?

Is there a history of violence in the marriage? If yes, then your SIL is probably in danger and needs to obtain an order of protection. She should also know the location of the nearest women's shelter and have a bag packed and ready to run on a moment's notice. Sometimes the most difficult part is persuading the woman that she really is in danger, though. Prepare yourself for a barrage of rationalizations and denials.

I have experience with domestic violence (as a survivor and counselor)...PM me if you want more info.

Good luck to you.

[ClintonTyree]

9. He has a history of violence.........

he's got a VERY bad temper. Although he's never hit her (that I know of) I can SEE him doing something horrible. I know how he is. I'm 17 years his senior and have seen him develope over the years and I know that when he gets in these self-destructive phases (and there's been a few of them in his lifetime) there's no telling what he'll do. Usually he ends up with his car wrapped around a tree from drinking and driving.

[librechik]

18. The Fundie Triangle: God, Guns, and Girlfriends

or boyfriends, as the case may be

Does he have a parson or someone he knows? Maybe he needs an intervention. Call AA and ask their advice. Thay have counselors, or access to counselors who will know what to do.

[lapislzi]

24. Yikes

Do you have a good relationship with SIL? That's going to be critical if you're to help her in any meaningful way.

My advice to you would be to contact your local domestic violence hotline or the national hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE. Talk to them about the situation and get their recommendations.

Also, the Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
http://www.ncadv.org/

Their safety tips help save lives.

[BootinUp]

6. Is there anyone

he would talk to that could try and find out what his intentions are? Sorry to hear of your families difficult times. Hope someone else can offer more helpful advice.

[ClintonTyree]

14. That's just it, he's not talking to anyone........

he's shut off his cell phone, won't answer e-mails and no one knows where he is right now. He should have talked to SOMEONE in the family before he did this, but........NOTHING!

[msongs]

8. his wife and daughter should be grateful he is gone and good riddance to

him, it is their chance to live a great life and he should be thanked for it.

then everyone needs to move on and FORGET this guy.

of course this is difficult to do, I sympathize with the victims in this issue and wish them well...and you too.

Msongs
www.msongs.com/political-shirts.htm

[ShortnFiery]

15. Ask her to hire a Private Investigator and have him take PICS

That way she will be better able to claim half of the marital assets as well as Child Support.

Tell her to be vicious and go for the throat. :thumbsup:

Unlike the ungrateful woman who married Paul McCartney, IMO your sister-in-law is most worthy of significant financial restitution.

No way in hell I could have married a right winger. After close to 25 years, if my husband did not hold similar political values (and Party), we would have "offed" one another by now. :P

[BlueJazz]

10. If I were his wife I would move to a different house/location and ....

...get an address from one of the UPS stores.
(you can get one to keep anybody from knowing your true address)

[ShortnFiery]

21. That's what he wants! No, she should stand her ground if at

all possible from a safety standpoint.

I don't know your brother but MANY MEN try to *intimidate* their spouses to not press for restitution by "acting nuts."

NO, I think he and his little "slice of heaven" just want to keep as much of their assets and money.

I have a friend who was so frightened of her husband that she signed-away half his military pension although they were married for over ten years. Yes, he physically threatened her but there were no witnesses and she ended up caving in.

Please learn from the above and not allow your sister-in-law to back down if at all possible.

If you worry that his behavior is *genuinely nuts* (often these guys are "acting" because they're just nuts for their new piece of ass), get a restraining order.

If she moves or backs down in any way he will continue to INTIMIDATE HER to sign-away many of her financial rights - marital assets. It happens all the time in the Military. No guys can feign "nuts" like Ex-combat veterans. And often, it truly is GREED not Emotional Illness that is their true motivation.

[truedelphi]

36. I am the victimof a stalker - Video cams are helpful

For a year and a half (shortly BEFORE the murder of Nicole SImpson.

The guy had a studio apartment in my building. he was nuts - threatening to kill me.

One thing I learned - a video cmera would have been very good in my situation (I had witnesses to the death threats but they were scared of him)

Nowadays you can tuck the camera into a spot where it will record the activity and it can be a very small non-noticeable size

[Irreverend IX]

11. Contact the authorities.

Child Protective Services may be more useful than the cops; police sometimes don't take reports of psychologically unstable people seriously until it's too late. If you tell CPS that a couple of drunks, one potentially violent, are wandering around with a baby in tow, they'll take action and bring the guy under heavy scrutiny and possible arrest.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

12. every state has something called a "protective order"

She needs one NOW. It will keep him away from her, her kids, especially if he owns guns. If he violates it, he goes to jail, loses his guns and worse.

Second, she needs a serious divorce lawyer and she needs to file NOW. Adultery, abandonment, irreconciliable differences, all great grounds for divorce. Lastly, she needs an order of support re: her daughter. And then maintenance, alimony for her.

[Horse with no Name]

13. The people that scream the loudest about morals

Usually end up proving that they are the ones that are in greatest need of them.
I am sorry for your family tragedy.
However, if this is any comfort, it sounds like he is narcissistic enough that he isn't going to harm anyone. He is just seeking some self-gratification.
The worst thing he can do for his family is go back to them. I hope they don't take him back after he repents his sins.

[eFriendly]

17. I would definitely call Florida authorities to give them a 'heads-up'.

n/t

[wicket]

19. I am very sorry for this terrible situation

Is your sister in law & her daughter staying somewhere safe?

[ClintonTyree]

20. Thanks everyone........

I'm going to talk to my lawyer right now and then her dad and I are going to change the locks on their doors. This is tearing me apart. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

Thanks again everyone. It's nice to know there's always a voice of reason her at DU.

[wicket]

23. I'm glad you are changing the locks

That's a good start - can someone stay with them until this blows over? I am so sorry you have to deal with this crap. Give your sister in law & daughter a huge for me. Stay strong! :hug:

[lapislzi]

27. Who can figure out what's wrong with him?

Chances are he doesn't know himself. People who commit acts of domestic abuse usually feel powerless and it gives them a power charge. They are often control freaks and unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for their behavior. If you're 17 years older than he, sounds like he's the "baby" of the family. Have people been enabling him his whole life, picking up after him? Does he have a sense of entitlement? TSuch people often do.

[ShortnFiery]

28. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

He's thinking with the "little" head. :(

Within the span of five years, the families to our immediate left and right of our home have divorced. Why have they divorced, because the Right Wing Koolaid Drinking husband found a "trophy" young woman who seemingly just adores him, i.e., what she truly adores is his money.

Right wing men, being highly domineering do POSTURE a lot.

Excuse the bluntness, however, IMO Right Wing Republican men seemingly go through life with a perpetual hard-on. Their lifetime philosophy: If you can f**k it, Kill it.

My right wing brother has been divorced THREE times, all him wanting to leave for a younger piece of flesh.

Whatever you do, if you want your brother to become more humble, hit him where it hurts most: his finances. ;)

[Sydnie]

31. If she is going to stay there

then clue the neighbors in to the situation. Often other eyes are needed to make sure that what ever happens has a witness to act when needed. Even if these are neighbors she doesn't know very well, getting them to collectively be a neighborhood watch for the safety of these two could prove invaluable. After all, neighbors would/will be there even after the local authorities have gone on to the next crisis. Arrange for a neighbor to be a touchstone, whether it is another parent (friends of the daughter) or just neighbor that can be counted on in an emergency.

If she doesn't know these neighbors very well, now is the time to introduce herself to them for both her safety and that of her daughter.

[EST]

22. The folks who are telling you to get them out of there are

not just shitting around!
Get them out! Take up a collection, break your bank account, whatever it takes, but get them to a safe place and plan on keeping them there at least six months.

When your mind is in a very dark place, or his mind, in this case, and alcohol gets mixed in, solutions become starkly simple and they are almost always ugly solutions, much regretted later.

I have experience in this area and that experience is not kind. I don't know how to make this any plainer-she and her child are in mortal danger and, unless you happen to enjoy going to funerals of beautiful, innocent people, GET THEM OUT and somewhere safe!

[ShortnFiery]

26. See Response #21

If your brother does not have a history of mental illness (save for republicanism :P), then quickly hire and Private Investigator to follow him around for 24-48 hours.

Always best to be safe, but IF the PI you consult suggests HE'S FEIGNING INSANITY and has no record of assault, then get the restraining order, but STAY in the house.

He wants to move in the house with "his honey."

Women are intimidated all the time by ex-husbands who want all the financial asset for them and their new sweetheart.

Buy her mace and a stun gun - encourage her to use it because if he breaks the restraining order, he's going to lose.

If he's just posturing, I doubt that he will break this restraining order because his true motivation is the financial assets. I know many RW republicans - more than anything else in this world they don't want to do anything that will risk harming their finances, i.e., like pay taxes. In other words, they luves their "mean green" more than even shootin'. :puke:

It's her choice ... but I would first hire a PI and see what he/she has to say about Mr. Wonderful. :shrug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. Yes, see my post #25 above

for another thing you need to take care of.

[ShortnFiery]

37. Excellent IMO Lydia - My neighbor told me that her husband

tried to hide some funds. Yes! Get the lawyer to make sure all the assets are intact. ;)

[JoMama49]

30. I'm not trying to make light here -- but your bro's story kind of

represents a microcosm of the whole Bush administration doesn't it? On a personal note, can your sister-in-law and neice move down to Florida with your mother? That's what I'd do, especially if your Dad is still around.

[FooFootheSnoo]

32. in addition to installing different locks

maybe get a home security system. They are pretty cheap as long as you can sign a contract and hooked directly to a dispatcher who will contact the police. You can also get "dummy" cameras and install those by all entrances. Even though they aren't real, your brother won't know.

I think the best option is for your sister in law to go stay with her family for a couple of months.

[Raffi Ella]

33. I don't have any advice to give but

Keep everyone safe and be there for one another.I'm so sorry this happened.

You're not alone in this kind of thing if its any consolation: my brother is similar to yours in so many ways.He hasn't left his family and I don't think he ever would but he's an on and off again "dry alcoholic",in the military since he was 18 so he's very familiar with weapons of all sorts,lives in another state w/ his wife and 2 little girls and we haven't spoken in years;For all I know this could be going on in his family too.My heart goes out to you.

Again,I'm sorry this is happening.My thoughts are with you and your family. :hug:

[Little Star]

34. Its the wife's choice. Its her life. tell her your worries. n/t

[warrens]

39. This is what self-righteousness really is

Some people think it's just arrogance or smugness, but it's so much more. It's fucking up other people's lives, pissing on them, because you're such a FUCK you don't think anyone else counts, that you're perfect, and you deserve to do whatever you feel like doing.

It perfectly describes the vast majority of Repukes.

[kestrel91316]

40. Just give all your energy to helping your SIL and niece -

write your brother off. He needs to work out his problems all by himself.