|
:spray: October 13, 2006 Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend It is time for New Rules, everybody! All right. New Rule: Americans can't make fun of Kim Jung Il's hair as long as we're represented by this guy. Who is weirder, the guy whose look says, "I'm stuck in the fifties," or the guy who says - whose look says, "Got milk?"
New Rule: The world has to wake up and do something about Darfur. And on the way back - on the way back, they should stop by Paris and help this lady.
New Rule: Men don't care how expensive your bra is. They just need to know if it unfastens in the front or the back. The Victoria's Secret Christmas catalogue features a $6.5 million diamond-studded bra. And, guys, it's the perfect bra for mistresses because she's almost guaranteed not to leave it in your truck.
New Rule: Mel Gibson can't do another major TV interview unless he's rip-roaring drunk. Mel, enough of this guy who talks about "healing" and explains why he's not a "monster," and how he feels "powerless" over everything. Sounds like someone's spent too much time in rehab listening to their Jew therapist.
Now, get your Nazi mojo back, Mr. Braveheart-and march back out there and call Diane Sawyer "sugar tits."
New Rule: Restaurants can't make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived. Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar. They're saying, "You have five friends?" "Yeah, we'll see." Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-power-restaurant-hostess, when I say my friends are on the way, they're on the way. So either show me to a table, or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.
And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.
But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.
And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?
When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.
You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.
So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.
I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!
So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person f***ing him...is you.
All right, that's our show. I want to thank my guests: Lou Dobbs, Danielle Pletka, Ben Affleck, Sir Richard Branson and former Senator John Danforth. Thank you, folks. Good night.
http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/20061013.html
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
