Dear Abby letter dramatically argues against "parental notification"

[BurtWorm]

From Feministe:

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2006/10/27/go-dear-abby/

Well, she’s certainly miles better than Dear Prudence. This morning, Abby tackles a letter from a mother who encouraged her daughter’s friend to tell her parents that she was pregnant.

Letter under the cut for possible family abuse trigger.

The letter:

DEAR ABBY: I am extremely shaken by a recent experience, and I want to share this with other parents who may one day find themselves in a similar situation. My daughter, “Mary,” is almost 18 and in the 12th grade. We have always had a close relationship. She has always come to me to talk about what’s going on in her life — friends, crushes, school, just about everything.

A few months ago, Mary told me about a terrible situation concerning one of her classmates. “Jill” had just learned that she was pregnant and was frantic. She told Mary that she couldn’t tell her parents because she was afraid of a violent reaction.

Mary was so worried about Jill that she came to me for help. After hearing the story, I encouraged my daughter to tell Jill to talk to her parents. I never imagined what would happen next.

I knew from things Mary had said that Jill’s parents were hard on her, but I didn’t know the extent of her problems at home. When Jill took my advice and told her parents she was pregnant, her father beat her so badly she ended up in the hospital and lost the baby.

Abby, you can’t imagine how terrible I feel about this. Jill will never be the same, and I feel I am to blame. I wish I had known how to protect her from a dangerous and violent situation at home.

I hope you will share this letter with other concerned parents and give your thoughts on this heart-wrenching problem. — SHOCKED AND SADDENED IN SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.

And Abby’s response:

DEAR SHOCKED: Please stop being so hard on yourself. You advised your daughter’s friend to do what most other parents would have. What you failed to take into consideration was the fact that many teens live in homes where there is violence, abuse, drug problems and incest.

A year ago here in California, there was an attempt to legislate “parental notification” into law. Fortunately, it was voted down. It’s teens like your daughter’s friend who would have been harmed by this kind of law. They certainly cannot go to their parents — and I have never believed that the law can successfully force this kind of communication with the home.

Of course parents want their children — regardless of age — to come to them if there is a crisis. And I am told that seven out of 10 teens who find themselves pregnant do exactly that. However, those who don’t usually have a good reason for not doing so. Teens like the girl in your letter need counseling and care, not laws forcing them to face abusive parents. I’m glad you wrote to me. Your sad story is a lesson for other well-meaning adults.

[central scrutinizer]

1. Thanks for posting this

I wondered why my daily fishwrap version of Dear Abby was so much shorter than usual. Now I know that they purposely omitted this letter since a measure like this is on the ballot here in Oregon. I will now send an email to the editor to demand an explanation.

[Nikki Stone 1]

2. In CA, parental notification is on the ballot again: Prop 85. VOTE NO!

I just did. (Absentee)

[Norquist Nemesis]

3. Thanks for posting (K&R)

Will the dad now go up on murder charges? I don't recall how that law ended up going.

[cui bono]

10. Yeah, but it wasn't an abortion....

just a regular ol' familial beating. :sarcasm:

[VeggieTart]

4. Way to go, Dear Abby

I have read other stories where a parent abuses a teen daughter who has gotten pregnant. I have also read that in some cases, dad is the CAUSE of the pregnancy. I do think that teenagers need adult guidance in this regard. This is why I think an aunt, grandparent, other relative, family friend, etc., should be able to intervene if a teen is in a potentially abusive situation with her parents.

[riderinthestorm]

5. Unfortunately all too often with incest issues, adults don't believe the child

In a situation of he said/she said, you can go to all of the adult family members and/or family friends, to no avail. There are some cultures whereby if you went to pretty much anyone with the news of a pregnancy, you would be killed. Notification laws are bullshit and in some cases, extremely destructive.

I am really pleased to see Dear Abby tackling this. I know it's come up before in these columns but it's so important to see it out there.

[buzzard]

14. I think that requiring parental notification is a bad idea if the relationship

is good then many girls will discuss the alternatives with their parents however that is not always the case. I don't think a young girl should be forced to go through with a pregnancy because she is afraid to speak with their parents. I would much rather have counseling available to girls who find themselves in this position.

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. K & R

[quiet.american]

7. What does the "Letter under the cut... " phrase mean?

Does this mean authorities have contacted "Dear Abby" to get information to trace the family so that they can charge the father?

In any case, I agree this is a powerful argument against parent notification.

[riderinthestorm]

8. In heavily Hispanic or Muslim areas for example, the girls wouldn't just be beat

And since these areas are such tight communities, who the hell can these girls turn to? Usually virtually nobody since most everyone's invested in maintaining cultural hegemony. Parental notification laws are a disaster when you actually start applying them.

[VeggieTart]

9. It means the paper edited the column so as not to publish that letter.

If you've ever seen an issue where the column looked shorter than normal, the paper edited out some of the content either for space considerations (suuuurre) or becuase they didn't like the content.

[quiet.american]

12. Thanks for clarifying. n/t

[spooky3]

11. Geez, it seems to me that Dear Abby partially missed the point

"Jill" told the writer and her daughter that she feared a violent reaction. That's quite different from simply recognizing that there are a lot of homes where violence occurs. Jill's saying this increases the odds big time that Jill actually lives in one of them. That should have been a huge red flag. If the well-meaning writer did not know what to do when hearing that (if she didn't believe her or know how to ask questions to get at the facts) the last thing she should have done was urge Jill to tell her parents. Dear Abby should tell readers that if kids express this fear they need to seek help from a professional.

[wickerwoman]

16. I wouldn't be so hard on her..

a lot of kids say things like "My parents will kill me!" without being literal. I'm sure the mother thought Jill was saying something like this.

[McCamy Taylor]

13. Freepers will delude themselves that this is a made up story. There are

many teens who are kicked out of their homes at an early age (well before 16) because they tell their parents that they got pregnant. If the same teen could get an abortion and then clean up her act, she would have a chance to finish school, get a job and become a productive member of society. When a parental consent state forces a teen to tell uncaring parents and they kick her out of the home or (worse) the parents have already abandonned her and can not be found to consent then she is forced to bear a child out of wedlock as a minor, go in welfare (because of the terrible social stigma of abandonning a child to adoption) and live the rest of her and her child's life in poverty. Or, she can get an illegal abortion and die. The noose is tightening. Right to Life will go the way of the dodo when children start dying in pools of their own blood.

[REP]

15. Why No Parental Consent to Give Birth?

I've always wondered that if 'parental consent' laws are to safeguard the pregnant teen, while doesn't she need parental consent to take the pregnancy full term and give brith, both of which are far more dangerous than an early abortion (source: CDC)? Os ot really about safety ... or just about preventing abortions?