A transcript of Bill Maher's "New Rules For Democrats"

[Chichiri]

For the benefit of the narrow-banders:

1. When they say Democrats will raise taxes, you say,

"We have to. Because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden. In just 6 years, the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in -- that's not even elementary economics, that's just called 'Don't Be Michael Jackson.'"

2. When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say:

"Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream! He inflames radical hatred against America, and then run on offering to protect us from it. It's like a a guy throwing shit on you, and then offering to protect you from the flies."

3. When they say cut and run, or defeat-o-crat, you say:

"Bush lost the war. Period. All this nonsense about 'the violence is getting worse over there because they're trying to influence the election' -- no, it's getting worse because you drew up the post-war plans on the back of a cocktail napkin on Applebee's! And of course Democrats WANT to win, but that's impossible now that you've ethnically cleansed the place by making it unliveable. Just like you did with New Orleans."

4. When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are denigrating the troops, you say:

"You are completely full of shit." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during the debate? Yeah, don't do that -- just say, "You are full of shit. If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare. That's how I would feel supported."

5. When they say Democrats are obstructionists, you say:

"You're welcome. Sometimes good people have to intercede to prevent dire consequences. You wouldn't like to think of ME as an obstructionist, but what if Roseanne had offered to sing? So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the obstructionists and the enablers." There's your talking point: "Vote Republican and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor. A retarded child emperor, but an emperor."


So Democrats, you've got four days to get out there and CLOSE. And it's not about slogans this time -- although when it comes to slogans, the only one I am prepared to accept from the opposition is:

"THE REPUBLICAN PARTY -- WE'RE SORRY."


Transcripted by yours truly.

[casus belli]

1. Always liked this guy. I may actually love him now. Great stuff! n/t

[casus belli]

2. double post. mods, please delete. n/t

[pepperbear]

3. I said kick it....kick it good .....

:kick:

wow! I missed it last night! Thanks for the transcript and thank goodness they'll rerun it this week!

[bliss_eternal]

4. Thank you for this!

Kicked!

[Atman]

5. knr

.

[BurgherHoldtheLies]

6. Thank you for posting. Classic Maher. ROTFLMAO

[Chichiri]

9. You're welcome! (nt)

[applegrove]

7. Hit all the talking points. LOL

[deacon]

8. big k & r

[MazeRat7]

10. K&R - It was a great show to be sure.

[democrank]

11. Once again, Maher grabbed a hammer and

hit the nail square on the head. He`s right. We`ve taken Republican/talking heads BS long enough. Time to stand up and respond....in their faces.

[progressoid]

12. Thanks!! I was looking for this for email purposes.

[yup]

13. How to catch Osama bin Laden.

1. When they say Democrats will raise taxes, you say,

Yes we need money to catch Osama bin Laden so we'll raise Paris Hilton's taxes. George, you'll never get Osama because you don't handle money wisely. It's the economy stupid!



2. When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say:

Why? George Bush is a terrorist's wet dream. He never deals with the root cause to problems. So the terrorists will always have a reason to attack as long as Bush is in power.



3. When they say cut and run, or defeat-o-crat, you say:

We tried occupying Vietnam and it didn't work. It sure doesn't look like it's working in Iraq. War you say? It's not a war any longer, it's an occupation. Let's get our troops back on american soil where they can protect OUR gates.



4. When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are denigrating the troops, you say:

We're for the war, but since you don't know how to handle a war you've turned it into an occupation. The Iraqis don't want us there and we don't want to stay. Yes we want to help the Iraqi people but priority number one for our troops should be to protect Americans and we still live here on american soil.




5. When they say Democrats are obstructionists, you say:

Yep. Mark Foley, Katrina, foreigners buying and controlling our ports, Halliburton, Enron. There are plenty of things we'd obstruct. But we wouldn't obstruct help from arriving when people need it, we wouldn't obstruct people's votes from being counted and their ability to hold the administration accountable. Most importantly we wouldn't obstruct Paris Hilton and her family from paying taxes.

And that's how we'd catch Osama bin Laden.