Jose Padilla and me (reflections on solitary confinement)

[TomInTib]

Reading all of this recent business about Mr. Padilla has forced me to remember things that I have spent a long time forgetting.

Like Mr. Padilla, I, too, spent a stretch in sensory-deprived solitary confinement thirty-something years ago.

Like Mr. Padilla, I, too, spent my time in a military (Marine) brig.

As is the case with Mr. Padilla, I was held on suspicion alone

It is worse than you could possibly imagine.

I believe it was when I read the part about him having the personality and energy of a piece of furniture that the box in my head cracked open.

I spent every moment of every day in a tiny cell with barely enough room for a rack (bed) and one of those little desks that you might have used in the third grade. The light was always on.
There was this thin mattress that smelled of despair and piss on that rack. The mattress barely covered the S-shaped springs of which the connecting clips had been removed so that one had to contort one’s self, pretzel-like, in order to get any kind of sleep.
The schedule and time of day were impossible to track.

Your mind will do crazy shit to you in an environment such as that. I experienced unbelievably giddy highs – flights of absolute elation - and moments of suicidal depression. One right after the other.

And hallucinations.
I saw everything that was in my memory bank and plenty else. When I would wake, I was never sure if I was really awake or just imagining that I was. I would go days without uttering a sound because I was so afraid that if I vocalized the least little bit that I might just scream myself to death. The few times I was interrogated I spent the first minutes just trying to find my voice and trying to decide if the voices I was hearing were real or imagined.

However, unlike Mr. Padilla, I was on a bread and water regimen. Three days (I believe) of bread and water and three days regular brig fare, alternating.
Ten pieces of white bread and a glass of water, three times (I think) per day.

I ate only the crusts just to fuck with them.

I went in standing six feet tall and weighing 180 pounds.

I came out weighing 117 pounds.

But I was still six feet tall.

[H2O Man]

1. There are descriptions

in Nelson Mandela's "Long Walk to Freedom," about how he looked forward to visits from insects while in solitary confinement.

One of the most powerful scenes in the movie "The Hurricane" is when Rubin Carter (Denzel Washington) was in solitary. In the 1970s, I can remember how he was frequently put in isolation for punishment. It takes a terrible toll on a person.

[WilliamPitt]

2. Amazing and horrifying

Check your PM.

[RethugAssKicker]

3. WOW... I'm glad you overcame !

[uppityperson]

4. k&r, sincere thanks and a hug to you

thank you

[TomInTib]

6. Thank you

I sometimes cannot believe it was me who went through that.

Kinda like waking to the most awful movie you've ever seen and then realizing that it is really happening. Right now.

[uppityperson]

8. Sometimes I feel like we are all playing a game, then something smacks up

and again it is shown that we are not. I wonder if having had so much exposure to this crap on tv, movies, videogames, etc (violence, military/spy glamorization) has numbed people up? Not to get into hijacking your wonderful thread, just wondering rhetorically.

[me b zola]

5. .

:hug:

[mtnester]

7. Call me stunned at more than 100 views and only 4 Recs

I do not have words to say to you about your ordeal. Everything I could possibly say is inadequate and puny.

Simply, I am sorry that happened to you, or any, human being.

[angstlessk]

9. Jose Padilla's confinement did not make me remember my solitary confinement

but yours did? I wonder why? Maybe because you are a fellow DUer's.? Thanks (I think) for reminding me.

Back in the early 60's when I was 12 & 13 I used to run away from home regularly. Sometimes with friends and sometimes by myself. My mom had me sent to reform school as I was 'incorrigible'. There I went, to Bonair School for Girls in Richmond VA. All girls got medical exams, HOT douches, extreme haircuts and permanents. Then put in to the intake cottage - Virginia Cottage. The rooms were only slightly wider than the breadth of my arms stretched as far as I could...cause I stretched them to see how wide the room was. A bunk and a desk...that was it. Well I was a youngster so I was sent to Peterson Hall..AKA 'The Baby Cottage'...I was there about 9 months and was sent home without any problems.

Then I broke probation...to this day I do not recall what I did? But I do recall that I begged my probation officer to put me in a foster home and she promised she would recommend to the judge that he put me into a foster home (I believed I could do better sans parents!) On the day of court she told the judge she recommended I be sent BACK TO BONAIR...I almost fainted. There I went back to Bonair School for Girls.

This time things were not so great...there was a rumor that a girl from the punishment cottage - (funny I cannot remember the name of the punishment cottage..I remember ALL others?) was a lesbian and was using her position as room monitor to rape other girls...well that was too much. My best friend and I planned to accost her with a one two punch when we passed her in the hallway at school. I dropped my books gave her a punch in the nose and waited for my friend to land the second punch..no she chickened out.

There I went to lockup. In Virginia Cottage. I was given a very scratchy muslin gown and nothing else. I got a mattress at night and it was taken away during the day. There was NOTHING else in the room. I was allowed out to shower every other day when all the others in the cottage were away at school and/or jobs. I fed ants to spiders and completely redecorated the entire reform school..

I remained there for 10 days...not very long compared to yours or Padilla's confinement...but it was traumatic. When I came out...I looked like a ghost of the person who went in. I was stared at and even gasps went up when I first appeared at the dining hall. From there I was sent to the punishment cottage. I do believe it was Fisher Cottage???

I had completely forgotten about this till you posted. Well not forgotten...but it was in the recesses as was your memory.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU...YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...'WHAT DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER'

[uppityperson]

10. yuck! thank you for sharing and the best to you too.

kick

[TomInTib]

29. Sorry about that

Your reply is infinitely sad.

Damn, what a hard way to go.

Are you OK today? Do you have children?

If so, I am sure (I hope) that your hard road has been softened and that you have applied hard lessons and misfortunes in a good way.

I was a hard guy when that shit happened to me. You were just a kid. And I had no idea that thet stuff was even out there.

Damn.

Tom

[Redstone]

41. You are safe here. You are safe with us.

Redstone

[Phrogman]

11. The old "piss and punk" diet

Does the military still have the "bread and water" sentences?

[Disturbed]

12. I spent 10 days in the box.

I was in the Stockade for 90 days and actually volunteered for the box because I wanted to get some alone time. They wouldn't send me so I cussed out one of the guards. They sent me then. Similar experience as Tom but no hallucinations. The treatment of J. Padilla is criminal in my view.

[TomInTib]

15. I thought my teeth were going to fall right out of my mouth

I have no idea if they still do b&w.

I certainly hope not.

[Recursion]

28. It's called confinement on reduced rations

And it's still available in certain circumstances (I don't think it even requires a court martial, though if you are sentenced to it without a CM you can appeal to one). At least in theory they are supposed to give you vitamin supplements.

[Solly Mack]

13. Thank you

[Pachamama]

14. Wow Tom! I had no idea you had been through this....

No one, no one should be tortured. Period.

I'm glad what didn't kill you made you stronger....In Jose Padilla's case, I'm afraid that the Bush policy of disappearing an American citizen by declaring him an enemy combatant and then torturing him despite laws against it, have broken this man and he is just an empty shell...

I hear stories like this and I'm ashamed that they were committed by the United States of America.

[TomInTib]

16. And I left out the part about the "Cold Box"

They placed me in a concrete vault with no light and a floor that was chilled to maybe the mid 40s.

Gave me paper slippers to wear. That is when I learned to sleep in a squatting position. I have no idea how long I was in that place, but it took quite a while for my vision to normalize afterward.

[tom_paine]

17. Dear God! I and most Americans cannot fathom this.

It is alien to think about, as it should be. One who has not gone through such things can never truly understand the magnitude of what it is.

But shit like this happened in the past, and now it is experiencing an increase, rather that the continual decrease towards extinction which should be occurring.

Padilla underwent this for YEARS. Who wouldn't be a piece of furniture after going through that for SO LONG?!?

My condolences for your experience. I do not have any words left.

[TomInTib]

20. That is why I was not surprised or shocked by Abu Ghraib

If it could happen to me, it will surely happen in spades to our "enemies".

[Stephanie]

24. I'm sorry, are you saying the U.S. military did this to you???

That is unbelievable! I'm so sorry. That's outrageous.

[TomInTib]

27. Yep.

We are capable of horrible stuff when it comes to our fellow man.

Junkyard dogs bite indiscriminately.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

18. K&R GREAT OP....

You'll always be about 10 feet tall in my view bro' Hang in there.

[TomInTib]

19. Thanks, Buddy

I just replaced my computer and have some unfinished business to attend to.

Your PMs are some of that biz.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

31. ya well, it's just a thang... we're sooooooooo scared aren't we?

us ghosts are spooky types... just wait and see how spooky it gets... there's no spook like an old spook

[TomInTib]

33. Old spooks grow creaky...

and easier to corner.

So we necessarily grow more shifty. One must do what one needs to do.

Eh?, JG?

[Jeffersons Ghost]

37. one might think that old spooks never die, they just fade away...

and disappearing into the scenery is a skill of certain spooky specialist... what I say is he who haunts last haunts the longest... Young spooks might someday discover that "BOO" eventually turns into "BOO WHO."

[bridgit]

21. that's big stuff Tom, k&r'd, friend...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=364&topic_id=2858718 :hug:

[Straight Shooter]

22. I think one reason you're such a great writer and poet ...

... is because you crawled into the deepest recesses of your mind and came back out. Not everyone can do that.

I'm not saying it was worth it, that is for you to judge. I'm just wondering if your creativity is somehow an expression of the defiant survival of your creative energy, claiming victory over those who sought to destroy your mind and spirit.

Babies can die from lack of comforting touch and interaction. It is despicably cruel to deprive any human of this most basic of human needs. When Padilla was described as acting like a "piece of furniture," I knew he was lost forever.

:hug:

[TomInTib]

25. You are too kind

I have grown old, having this shit crowding my mind.

And I am pissed off.

The lid needs to be peeled off. If we can subject our own to this, then we are tragically capable of subjecting (insert righteous indignation here) our adversaries to much worse.

Tom

[Straight Shooter]

30. I am not kind enough.

But I have my moments. Some people just bring out my better side.

:hi:

[madokie]

23. Tom I'm sorry, if I may apologize

Its not right, we all know that. may I thank you for having the fortitude to survive, man can be so cruel

[TomInTib]

26. We are here, now, aren't we?

And that's what counts.

No matter what, we made it home.

And for each and every underdog soldier in the night....

[TygrBright]

32. There really aren't words to express...

...how sad and angry this makes me feel.

I am the daughter of a Marine. I am a pacifist who deeply respects those who commit to military service, even while I hate the implications of that service.

Not in ANY way to underrate the pain and sorrow and horror that the people victimized and brutalized by the combatants in a war feel, but I do think that we forget the level of damage incurred by the soldiers who are inflicting that calculated mayhem for strategic ends, regardless of how well-justified those ends may be.

I had a friend in high school who came back from Vietnam and killed himself because (he wrote in his diary) "they made me a rapist, they made me blow up little kids, they made me stand there and watch people burn, and now I'm someone else, I'm someone I don't want to be."

The costs of our society's endless appetite for mayhem and war are far, far greater than any accountant can calculate.

Is it possible to have an effective military without inflicting such terrible damage on the men and women who serve?

sadly,
Bright

[DemReadingDU]

34. Thank you for sharing

morning kick

[bleever]

35. That's an astounding story, Tom.

Thank you for sharing it.

:patriot:

[Greyhound]

36. I'm so sorry that you had this experience to share with us.

:kick: & R

[Redstone]

38. And you went out standing. That counts. It counts for EVERYTHING.

Reedstone

[TomInTib]

39. Thanks, Redstone

Thanks.

I really mean that.


And you know it.

Tom

[Redstone]

40. I'm here. You know where to find me.

Redstone