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"Conservative columnist Dennis Prager this week blasted Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison, the first Muslim elected to Congress, for his decision to take the oath of office with his hand on a Koran instead of a Bible. Like this guy did . Or this guy . Or this guy . All bibles." --Seth Myers
"First Lady Laura Bush was on TV unveiling the White House menu for Christmas Dinner. ... For dessert, I guess they're going to feast on whatever or whoever Dick Cheney shoots that day." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. ... Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld, right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job, which would be ok if Bush was the right man for the job." --Jay Leno
"President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq. ... Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy, Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United States and Lichtenstein stand together!" --Jay Leno
"Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia." --Jon Stewart
"There's talk that Vice President Gore could win an Oscar for his movie. ... If he does get it, it would be his first win since the presidency in 2000." --Jay Leno
"The president's twin daughters are celebrating their 25th birthday with a trip to Argentina. Apparently their trip has caused what's known as chaos, to the point where, according to ABCNews.com, the American embassy and many Argentinian officials have strongly suggested the twins return to America. Just to repeat, Argentina, former safe-haven for Nazi war criminals, is drawing the line at the Bush twins." --Jon Stewart
"The Bush administration is upset with NBC News because NBC News has started referring to the situation in Iraq as a civil war. White House officials say they prefer the term explosion-filled misunderstanding." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon is trying to convince Germany to send more troops to the war in Iraq. This marks the first time anyone has asked the Germans to send more troops." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is putting together his presidential library, and apparently the library is going to cost $500 million, which works out to $100 million per book. Expensive books, they're popouts." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is preparing to build his presidential library. ... Bush's is expected to cost $500 million. That's more than three times the cost of the Clinton library, and more than all the other libraries combined, which makes you wonder, how many Garfield books can there be?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"It's not that the library is going to be extravagant. It's just that he's hiring Haliburton to build it. They're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel
"NBC has announced that they will know refer to the Iraq war as a civil war. ... President Bush said no no no no no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time Life books." --David Letterman
"The Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. Just what we need at the White House, more dead wood." --David Letterman
"Mitt Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think he'd make a fine president. He'd be standing up there with his 18 first ladies." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is trying to raise $500 million for the Bush Presidential Library. It's not just a library, it will also contain a think tank, because when you think George W. Bush you think thinking." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
"Security's so bad for the Bush twins, the U.S. Embassy has asked them to leave Argentina and they said no. Like father, like daughter, they have no exit strategy." --Jay Leno
"This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?'" --Conan O'Brien
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