Dear World Leaders

[Mythsaje]

From: The rest of us.

We're tired of being used as chess pieces in your bloody squabbles. If you want land, resources, or simply to salvage your pride or further your own personal ambition, we don't want to be a part of it anymore. From this moment on, if you pick a fight with another world leader, we're going to bundle you up, carry you bodily to a predetermined location. You will be given an assortment of weapons to use and allowed to settle it between you and your opponent mano-a-mano. Man to man. Or woman, as the case may be.

You can no longer look upon us to settle your differences for you. We will no longer don a uniform, or carry a rifle, or kill other humans to further your goals. We're done. No amount of appealing to our patriotism, or deriding us for "cowardice," will sway our resolve. Our lives are not yours to spend. Nor are the lives of your opponents' countrymen HIS to spend. Our lives belong to ourselves, our families, and our communities. And WE get to choose what's worth our lives to defend, should the question come up.

We call for the instant abolishment of all military bodies except those who fulfill the mission of a National Guard. We call upon all the leaders of terrorist and insurgent organizations to surrender themselves to the custody of the citizens of Earth. If you do not, you will die. We the People of Earth have thus decided--we are not your playthings. You can no longer manipulate us into killing our fellows for your political or monetary benefit.

We are finished with war. You may no longer call upon our faith in a higher power to bring us to battle, for we have listened to the words of the prophets--ALL the prophets--and we choose to follow the teachings of peace that you have spurned.

Osama Bin Laden. You are hereby directed to appear before the World Citizen Court to be transported to a undiscosed location, where, upon arriving, you will be made to prepare for single combat versus the United States President, George W. Bush. If you should happen to defeat him, you will be allowed to rest until the next world leader who seeks to challenge you is prepared. We consider it possible, but unlikely, that it will be Tony Blair.

Do not seek to evade us. We are everywhere. Literally.

If this sort of thing sounds too tame or trivial for all of you, we may consider the possibility of building giant robots for the purpose of conducting these battles. Considering all the money we will be able to save and the resources we will suddenly have available, such a task is hardly beyond our capabilities. And it will become the ultimate reality show and garner millions of advertiser dollars, improving the world economy one fallen leader at a time.

Grievances will be dealt with by the people who have instigated the conflict. In some cases the international equivilent of a gang rumble will be allowed, but neither side may call upon any citizen not personally involved in the dispute. Weapons allowed will be at the discretion of the elected Circle of Citizen Judges.

There will be no negotiation regarding these demands. There will be no more war. If you want to have a dick fight, you will be forced to use your OWN dicks.

Thank you,

the rest of Humanity