Deconstructing SOTU (long)

[jmowreader]

I decided to drink rum and watch Madagascar last night and pull up a transcript of the SOTU this morning because the rum I keep in the house is not strong enough to get one through a George Bush Dog & Pony Show®.

So let's run through Mr. Bush's speechifying and try to extract the meaningful essence of what he was trying to say...

In a system of two parties, two chambers, and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger.

This is his calling for Buypartisanship: "buy into my partisanship or I'll tap your phone and have your taxes audited."

The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by our leadership -- so the United States of America will continue to lead.

War is peace, poverty is wealth, hunger is abundance, so expect more wars.

Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal -- we seek the end of tyranny in our world. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism.

No, we dismiss it as completely undoable and unrealistic--so long as there is a Bush in public office, there's gonna be tyranny in our world.

And we do not forget the other half -- in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea, and Iran -- because the demands of justice, and the peace of this world, require their freedom, as well.

Attacking Burma, which is about the size of your bedroom and has nine people living in it, wouldn't be that hard if Bush hadn't used up the Army. But there ya have it: the 2006 Department of Defense dance card.

Terrorists like bin Laden are serious about mass murder -- and all of us must take their declared intentions seriously.

"I honestly am not all that concerned about him."--George W. Bush

Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear.

Terrorism (noun): The use of fear to achieve a goal, normally a political one. Terrorists typically create fear through the use of violent acts.

If we were to leave these vicious attackers alone, they would not leave us alone.

Hmm...when one considers that the reason these vicious attackers are attacking us is because we attacked THEM and occupied their region, if we left them alone they WOULD leave us alone.

America rejects the false comfort of isolationism. We are the nation that saved liberty in Europe, and liberated death camps, and helped raise up democracies, and faced down an evil empire.

I am going to kick that speechwriter squa in the nuts over this one. Doesn't he know he's talking shit about my own family? God, I hope the people who voted for me don't find out about grampa Prescott hookin' up IG Farben and dad hookin' up the Iranians, Saddam and Osama.

We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory.

It's as clear as the Great Glass Elevator in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory--the one Willy Wonka keeps slamming head-on into because he can't see it and forgets where it is.

Second, we're continuing reconstruction efforts, and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom.

We've defunded the reconstruction effort, the only Iraqis we can find who want to be in the army are the ones who were in Saddam's army and we don't want them back under arms, and as for Iraq's government? The one we ran off was less corrupt than the one we've got now, but all of them used to work for either Unocal or Exxon so they're fine.

In less than three years, the nation has gone from dictatorship to liberation, to sovereignty, to a constitution, to national elections. At the same time, our coalition has been relentless in shutting off terrorist infiltration, clearing out insurgent strongholds, and turning over territory to Iraqi security forces.

Clearing insurgent strongholds and turning over territory to Iraqi security forces doesn't work when new insurgents reenter those strongholds after they've been cleared and the security forces aren't strong enough to hold the territory they've been issued. How many times have we cleared Fallujah?

The road of victory is the road that will take our troops home. As we make progress on the ground, and Iraqi forces increasingly take the lead, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels -- but those decisions will be made by our military commanders, not by politicians in Washington, D.C.

I won't pull the troops out in September if the senators I need to get my agenda through Congress are in danger of getting dumped for a batch of liberal Democrat lawyers running on pro-impeachment platforms. No. Really. I would NEVER allow politics to get in the way of my visions.

Our coalition has learned from our experience in Iraq. We've adjusted our military tactics and changed our approach to reconstruction.

The change in our approach to reconstruction is that we're no longer doing any. And as for "adjusted our military tactics," we used to patrol in Humvees going 45mph, but now we go 25 because a Humvee only has a 6.2-litre diesel in it and that poor lil engine can only make a Humvee with three inches of battleship plate and half a yard of concrete covering the floorboards go so fast...

Yet, there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy.

Take that, Jack Murtha.

A sudden withdrawal of our forces from Iraq would abandon our Iraqi allies to death and prison, would put men like bin Laden and Zarqawi in charge of a strategic country, and show that a pledge from America means little.

It would also cause the Iraqis to denominate their oil in Euros...

Our men and women in uniform are making sacrifices -- and showing a sense of duty stronger than all fear. They know what it's like to fight house to house in a maze of streets, to wear heavy gear in the desert heat, to see a comrade killed by a roadside bomb. And those who know the costs also know the stakes. Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay was killed last month fighting in Fallujah. He left behind a letter to his family, but his words could just as well be addressed to every American. Here is what Dan wrote: "I know what honor is....It has been an honor to protect and serve all of you. I faced death with the secure knowledge that you would not have to....Never falter! Don't hesitate to honor and support those of us who have the honor of protecting that which is worth protecting."

Staff Sergeant Dan Clay's wife, Lisa, and his mom and dad, Sara Jo and Bud, are with us this evening. Welcome.

Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay was one of dozens of troops killed in Iraq last month. However, he wrote the only death letter that did not contain the phrase, "if you vote Republican ever again, I'll come back from the grave and kick your fucking ass."

The Palestinian people have voted in elections. And now the leaders of Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm, reject terrorism, and work for lasting peace.

"Yeah, right. Israel attacked the United States for fuck's sake; you think we're going to trust them to not attack us?"--Hamas Ruling Council

Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own, because they will reflect the traditions of their own citizens.

That's because they'll look Just Like Islamic Theocracies!

The same is true of Iran, a nation now held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people. The regime in that country sponsors terrorists in the Palestinian territories and in Lebanon -- and that must come to an end. The Iranian government is defying the world with its nuclear ambitions, and the nations of the world must not permit the Iranian regime to gain nuclear weapons. America will continue to rally the world to confront these threats.

And the rest of the world will continue to say, "George, you said the same shit about Iraq and none of it was true. Why should we believe you now?"

Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran.

But if you open your oil bourse and denominate your oil in Euros, we're gonna invade your country, kill your leaders and convert you to Christianity.

To overcome dangers in our world, we must also take the offensive by encouraging economic progress, and fighting disease, and spreading hope in hopeless lands. Isolationism would not only tie our hands in fighting enemies, it would keep us from helping our friends in desperate need.

Besides, we need SOMEWHERE to outsource production of the plastic crap they sell at Wal-Mart.

In recent years, you and I have taken unprecedented action to fight AIDS and malaria, expand the education of girls, and reward developing nations that are moving forward with economic and political reform.

George. George. George. "Killing people because they won't convert to Christianity" is only unprecedented because the United States used to not do it.

So to prevent another attack -- based on authority given to me by the Constitution and by statute -- I have authorized a terrorist surveillance program to aggressively pursue the international communications of suspected al Qaeda operatives and affiliates to and from America.

George used to wait until the actual speech before committing his impeachable offenses--now he's just bragging about them.

Our economy is healthy and vigorous, and growing faster than other major industrialized nations. In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs -- more than Japan and the European Union combined.

Most of those jobs were in three industries: home healthcare, big-box retail and government. And almost all of the non-governmental new jobs were in service industries. The four wealth-creation industries as defined by Taiichi Ohno in "Toyota Production System"--mining, agriculture, forestry and manufacturing--all saw declines in employment...not "declines in job creation" but rather declines in the total number of people working in those industries.

An economy whose major influx of capital from outside is in the form of loans is neither healthy nor vigorous. That's the situation we're in.

The American economy is preeminent, but we cannot afford to be complacent. In a dynamic world economy, we are seeing new competitors, like China and India, and this creates uncertainty, which makes it easier to feed people's fears.

George, you may want to have a sit-down with your friends who run the five biggest retailers (Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Target, Kmart and Lowe's) about this shit. The reason for these "new competitors" is because of a new term in the big-business lexicon: LEC. It means "least expensive country."

//skip long-winded rant about taxes...like you didn't expect him to call for cutting taxes when he's got two wars running and at least one getting ready to start//

So tonight, I ask you to join me in creating a commission to examine the full impact of baby boom retirements on Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. This commission should include members of Congress of both parties, and offer bipartisan solutions. We need to put aside partisan politics and work together and get this problem solved.

There is a name for such a board: "impeachment managers." Because, you see, if we could impeach this worthless son of a bitch, run off enough of his syncophants in Congress that we had a filibuster-proof supermajority and tell the bankers and investment brokers to wait outside the city limits while serious-minded people talked, we could HAVE Social Security reform. In fact, we could guarantee Social Security's stability into the next millennium if we made one simple reform--eliminating the FICA cap. Will it happen? Of course not; I'm a realist. But I'm enough of a realist to understand that it is possible to make more money than you know what to do with, and those people can afford to pay a little more in taxes.

Keeping America competitive requires affordable health care.

George, you didn't say that.

Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly $10 billion to develop cleaner, cheaper, and more reliable alternative energy sources -- and we are on the threshold of incredible advances.

So tonight, I announce the Advanced Energy Initiative -- a 22-percent increase in clean-energy research -- at the Department of Energy, to push for breakthroughs in two vital areas. To change how we power our homes and offices, we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies, and clean, safe nuclear energy.

We must also change how we power our automobiles. We will increase our research in better batteries for hybrid and electric cars, and in pollution-free cars that run on hydrogen. We'll also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn, but from wood chips and stalks, or switch grass. Our goal is to make this new kind of ethanol practical and competitive within six years.

If he would have said To encourage the responsible use of the oil we have until this research has weaned us from our addiction to petroleum, I am tonight announcing a $1000 annual excise tax on all vehicles which get less than 12 miles per gallon that are not owned by businesses, he could reduce America's dependency on foreign oil by about five percent with the stroke of a pen. By getting the Soccer Mom Susies of this nation to trade their Hummers for minivans, we'd save lots of gas.

By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past.

Bandar Bush is gonna help me beat the shit out of this goddamn speechwriter too. What is he, a fucking Democrat?

We've made a good start in the early grades with the No Child Left Behind Act, which is raising standards and lifting test scores across our country.

Well, he bragged about committing treason. Stands to reason he'd brag about turning the schools' curricula into "don't tell them that, it's not on the test."

Violent crime rates have fallen to their lowest levels since the 1970s. Welfare cases have dropped by more than half over the past decade.

Thank you, President Clinton. The numbers would have been even better if I wouldn't have slashed all those programs to pay for my tax cuts, but every little bit helps.

Wise policies, such as welfare reform and drug education and support for abstinence and adoption have made a difference in the character of our country.

DUers, help me out: how does "support for adoption" affect the murder rate? That seems to be what he's implying.

A hopeful society depends on courts that deliver equal justice under the law. The Supreme Court now has two superb new members -- new members on its bench: Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Sam Alito. I thank the Senate for confirming both of them. I will continue to nominate men and women who understand that judges must be servants of the law, and not legislate from the bench.

"All men are created equal, but some men are more equal than others."--George Orwell, Animal Farm
"The framers of the Constitution really hated it when people ate french fries in the subway..."--John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States
"Strip-searching little girls is consistent with the public interest."--Samuel Alito, Associate Justice to the United States Supreme Court

Today marks the official retirement of a very special American. For 24 years of faithful service to our nation, the United States is grateful to Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

And now I've got someone reliable in her place.

A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator -- and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale.

In vitro fertilization at $10,000 per attempt and snowflake babies, on the other hand, are just fine with me. (Before anyone screams, the success rate of the embryonic implantation procedure at the heart of IVF is so low and so inconsistent that no rational observer could call it anything but an experiment.)

A hopeful society expects elected officials to uphold the public trust.

George, you didn't say this.

Honorable people in both parties are working on reforms to strengthen the ethical standards of Washington -- I support your efforts.

Well...if you "support their efforts," why don't you just go back to Connecticut now?

Each of us has made a pledge to be worthy of public responsibility -- and that is a pledge we must never forget, never dismiss, and never betray.

Well, YOU guys must never forget, dismiss or betray it...but we're at war and I'm the Unitary Executive.

It's good to be the Unitary Executive.

So far the federal government has committed $85 billion to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans.

And I'm committed to scraping the shit off President Clinton's shoe from when he had to put a boot in my ass to get my attention...oh Bill, as soon as we send the $85 million I'll get right on your shoeshine.

We will also lead a nationwide effort, working closely with African American churches and faith-based groups...

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion...--One of those amendments that we're trying to get rid of because there's nothing about guns in it so we don't care...

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. Personally,

I prefer your interpretation of the speech to what shrub said. At least you told the truth.

[jmowreader]

2. Expanding on one curious line

It's clear that "human-animal hybridization" is this SOTU's Roids in Baseball Moment, so let's amplify.

I have this strangest feeling...that when Bush talks about human-animal hybrids he's not referring to implanting porcine heart valves into humans. This is a well-accepted procedure that Catkiller Frist can probably do with his eyes closed--although the issue of Frist operating with his eyes closed is a subject for another time.

Is there actually research ongoing to create human-animal hybrids? This sounds like something Mephisto, the geneticist on South Park whose specialty is animals with four asses, would do. It certainly doesn't sound like something a real scientist would attempt. What would be the point? Are baseball players, who don't do steroids anymore because our Sammy Sosa-tradin', baseball-challenged preznit says "roids are bad, m'kay," starting to get gazelle leg muscles implanted so they can get their time to first down?

Seriously, guys, until Bush mentioned this did ANYONE ever think of hybridizing a human with an animal?