Victims of Sexual Assault, let us shed some light on our struggles...

[Solon]

Starting this thread isn't easy for me, but, oddly enough, another recent thread sort of opened old wounds that, perhaps, never healed. I honestly don't know if I have come to terms with what has happened to me, but perhaps, together, we can shed some light to those who don't know what we have faced. For some of us, the idea of revealing such things are unthinkable, and I refuse to pass judgment on those victims who will not talk about their personal struggles. I have been silent for almost a decade, and, to be honest, I still don't know if this is a wise idea.

This is not a thread for us to try to see who "suffered more" than each other, we have all suffered, each in their own way. Some of us struggle with feelings of betrayal, guilt, shame, anger, even hate, no two victims are the same, and it doesn't matter what sex we are, who attacked us, or how it precisely happened. I'm not asking for you to reveal all the details.

Also, I've expanded this thread to include all Sexual Assaults, simply because we must recognize that most of these crimes are crimes of dominance over another, against their will, in the absolute worst way possible. I started this thread so that we can all support each other, to recognize that we aren't alone.

My story is probably very rare, I don't really know, as I said earlier, it happened almost a decade ago, and I try to forget it. Well, I don't know how to say it, not really, only one other person on this board knows all the details. I had a friend take advantage of me at a very vulnerable, and let's just say, semi-conscious moment in my life, she took advantage of me, I told her to stop, but felt powerless to stop it. I thought she was a friend, I still don't know what is worst, that it actually happened, or the aftermath, and both her reaction and mine, all I remember is that afterward, when I woke up, I wanted to GET away, I remember scrubbing myself in the shower till my skin was raw.

This probably sounds disjointed and silly, but I couldn't really fathom what happened to me, not at first. I avoided her like the plague after that. This was also my first sexual experience, I think it screwed me up for life.

Even more happened after this, I never, in the decade since, had a steady relationship with a woman, and I'll explain why in a second. About a couple of years after this happened to me, I thought I put it behind me, and there was a woman I liked, asked her out, she said yes, and, after about a month of dating, we were at her apartment, kissing, and she wanted a little more, and moved to sit on my lap, I panicked, it was like it came back all in a rush, and I moved to hit her, and instead shoved her off me, hard, we were on a couch, and I threw her on the floor. I rushed out of the apartment, went home, and showered. She called me the next day, asking for an explanation, I didn't know what to say, I was horrified with myself. That pretty much ended that relationship.

Ever since then, I've been battling my feelings, on the one hand, I WANT a relationship with someone, on the other, I'm afraid of intimacy, to the point of violence, I'm scared of both myself and others. I just don't know what to do, wish I could afford a shrink, sometimes.

[Mandate My Ass]

1. I'm so sorry you had that experience

Most rapes are sucker punches, not duels. I had no chance to "defend my honor" and don't know that I could have if I had the chance, probably not. There is no dishonor except for the perp. Wanting to escape and wish it away is totally normal behavior in the aftermath of such a shock.

I'll have PTSD for life and like you described, I'll be fine for a while and then it all comes back in a rush for one reason or the other. Please take care of yourself. Therapy does help. Also, many rape support services are free, both group and individual. :hug:

[Solon]

2. Thanks...

:hug:

The thing I really hate is that feeling of vulnerability, helplessness, I don't even remember much of the rape myself, not like something that is vivid, but that feeling has stayed with me.

[Mandate My Ass]

4. I truly believe the "guilt" feelings after an experience like this

are actually a defense mechanism. Your mind would simply melt down if you accepted right away that someone could take control over your humanity and abuse it in such a way.

But, on the other hand, I feel very strongly that the stigma of not having prevented a rape or assault is something that needs to be stamped out completely. It perplexes me that even here at DU, there are people who feel that they somehow could have done better somehow.

I hope you find peace. Luckily for me I've been able to establish intimate relationships afterward. It's a very difficult thing to make oneself vulnerable again. Even though my assailant was someone I thought of as a friend, still to this day, I only can meet people through mutual friends because every stranger seems suspect to me.

[Solon]

8. Yeah, the guilt is probably a self defense mechanism...

The fact that I put myself in a position like that is something that was hardest to accept. At the time, I blamed myself more than her, which was wrong, but something I guess I couldn't even accept. The denial was probably worse, I guess that was the point I was at when I tried dating that woman, the fact that I was a VICTIM of anything was something that I couldn't come to terms with till years after the fact.

I've tried dating, even after this, but I was always at arms length, it was even hard, especially after I almost slugged the woman I dated, to accept even so much as a hug from a woman I was dating. I couldn't even coherently explain WHY I acted this way, for, I couldn't even explain it to myself, and I was afraid of ridicule and rejection based on this.

[NashVegas]

3. Hi Solon

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Taking chances is hard to do. It's normal to fear people will think you're a geek/freak if you try to explain it. People who act like you are, that's their deficiency, not yours.

Vulnerability is one of the most human traits there is. It's highly underrated, IMO. It's impossible to find people to trust if you don't take the risk.

In the long run, one of the best things you could do for yourself is contact the person who assaulted you and get in their face about it. Not violent, not raging. But challenge them to own their shit. It's scary as hell, but worth it.

[Solon]

12. I don't know if I have the strength to do that...

The whole "freak" thing was a struggle in itself, in this culture, "being a Man" means not being a victim, and I thought there was something wrong with me for the longest time, even now, its seems easier to live in denial than to confront the fact that I was a victim.

[NashVegas]

20. That's What Friends - And Sometimes, Shrinks - Are For

It's always good to have emotional back-up when you stop running from your demons and fight them. I've been amazingly blessed in my friendships.

I was never sexually assaulted; sexually abused as a child (by a priest), and subjected to long-term verbal and violent physical abuse from a sibling. The first scariest things I ever did was confront the Church; their cowardice taught me to have enough backbone for the second scariest thing: confront my brother. He owned his shit and apologized. This past fall and current winter are the first fall & winter in three years I didn't cry myself to sleep and awake 3/4 of the time - and every tear was worth it.

Yeah, it's easy to live in denial. It becomes a habit, though. I wish I'd come out of it twenty years ago.

[Solon]

21. Sometimes the things that come easiest for us are not solutions...

the habit of denial can be a vicious cycle, and no resolution occurs because of it.

[lukasahero]

5. I'm sorry for your pain

I wish I had some words that could take it away. Why do we humans damage each other like this? It breaks my heart.

[Solon]

19. I honestly don't know how people like this work...

the mindset that involves taking advantage of others' weaknesses and that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. Its just alien to me.

[bicentennial_baby]

6. Wow...and my story

:hug:

My story...My first live-in boyfriend, while violent toward me in so many ways, never sexually assaulted me until 4 years into our relationship. He was 7 years older than me, I was only 17 when we met. He viewed sex as something he was owed, something I was required to give him. Our sex life was fine for years, until the relationship really broke down, and I was no longer attracted to him, physically, mentally, etc...So, he adopted a new tactic, waking me up every 10 minutes at night, demanding sex..I would fall asleep, he would wake me up, I would fall asleep, he would wake me up. Finally, he just climbed on top of me and did his thing. I cried throughout the entire experience, I fell asleep on a tear stained pillow. Once it "worked" for him, he did this on a regular basis.

Added to this was the fact that he had guns, was very violent, and could have snapped me in half if he so chose. Our relationship eventually ended with him trying to shoot me in my parents' backyard, in 1998. I was terrified of him, and frankly, I still am, even though I haven't seen him in years. Last I heard, he was in prison. It made me so bitter, so fearful, and completely unable to experience real intimacy for a long time. It made *me* violent. My next relationship was a disaster, and I think this was a big part of why. I was so guarded and hated men so much, I couldn't even love the person I so desperately wanted in my life.

A really amazing self-defense class and years of self-examination have healed me, for the most part. I'm still terrified of anger in men, but I'm working on it. :)

:hug:

On edit: we may feel like victims, but if we are alive, we are survivors :hug:

[Solon]

9. I was 18 myself...

We are survivors. That is perhaps the best thing we have going for us. :hug:

We should live our lives as a testament that we haven't been bowed by those who would hurt us, but sometimes its hard. What's funny is that your terrified of men being angry, I'm terrified of women LIKING me, how messed up is that? :)

[bicentennial_baby]

11. We all react differently to our experiences

It's not messed up, it's the human condition. :)

Peace to you, I hope you find some kind of resolution in the future. :hug:

[Solon]

14. You too...

No one should have to live with the experiences we have had to face. I sometimes look outside and will think of the day when I'll be able to actually move on. My biggest problem, at this point in my life, is whether or not I can trust myself around women, I fear myself. I don't hate women, but I still fear that I may have a really bad reaction and regret it for the rest of my life. I'm not normally a violent person, but I honestly don't know if I have that type of self control.

[Evergreen Emerald]

7. I took a friend to lunch the other day and she told me

that it was the anniversary of her rape. 20 years ago she was raped (she was 15) by a guy she did not know. He was standing outside her apartment complex and followed her inside. She did not received justice. He was acquitted of two other rapes and they had too little evidence to charge him with her rape.
20 years later she still cries about it. I want her to be ok now, and over it. But, she will never be over it. And that makes me so sad--that someone took something so fundamental from her and she can never get it back.

He died a few years ago and she makes it a point to visit his grave on the anniversary of her rape. I am not sure what she does once she gets there. I hope it has something to do with spitting.

[Solon]

23. Probably more than just spitting...

Though, I would imagine that she is reassuring herself that he can't hurt her anymore.

When you talk to her again, tell her I sent this. :hug:

[seabeyond]

10. i was raped twice

once i was drunk and young. once a drug was slipped to me. i have not held on to these two events. they dont interfer in my life. i am sharing this with you so you can see that we chose how to view events in our life. we are the ones empowered, if we chose. both events, seperated by a decade i walked away not feeling bad about myself, though i could see my part... but squarely giving the action to the male that did these things. both occassion, they were the pigs, creeps, rapist... yet i continued to be me. i learned from them, and didnt make the same errors twice, but i do not hold any responsibility for them. it was not my badness, it was the perpetrators badness. they get to live with self, i am not that person.

i dont hold any attachment to what happened. it is the past. it is done. i am safe. i am fine.

i was not emotionally connected to these events

i hope you will be able to figure this out. your reward in life is being a whole person, living in the present of what you chose to create. i hope you will be able to find some peace. it is possible.

[Solon]

17. I wish I had your strength, sometimes I try to separate myself from...

the rape, to be honest, I suspect she spiked my drink, but I don't know if I can. Peace is something I hope for, but usually I don't know if I can truly attain it. I know you didn't ask for it, but here. :hug:

[seabeyond]

22. ahhhh. thank you

i have been called a pragmatic kinda person. that helps i am sure. i was also raised by good people that loved me and allowed me to build a strong confidence in who i am. i can also seperate my actions with what is done to me. there is a good book. power of now. i do not know the author, but you might give it a try. generally holding onto things that hurt us or allow us to be less, is because it is giving us something we want. even though we may not be aware of it. i spent my 20's protecting myself in my ways, until i decided it was time to end it. then i ended it. i was ready to let go. you will when you are ready to. not a moment before. and it is all ok. however you chose to do it. you are perfectly imperfect along with the rest of us. traveling your journey in your own unique way

i learned to love all that i am. even in the not so good that i am. that me is more in need of love than the better me. we beat up that part of who we are. it doesnt help us at all. the healing comes in loving that part of who we are.

[Skidmore]

13. I was raped by

my father for a period from the time I was about 4 until I was in my teens. He was mentally ill and violent towards my mother and my siblings as well. They would remove him from the home periodically for hospitalization, only to return him to the home to abuse us again. It only stopped when I realized I was physically big enough to fight back and told him that I would. The only way my mother could extract us all was to divorce him on grounds that she was abusive to him--a lie that is on the record till this day.

I've been married twice, but still don't truly trust men. I never really feel safe.

[bicentennial_baby]

15. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug: there aren't enough hugs in the world for you.... :cry:

[Solon]

16. Trust is something that is hard to come by, and you were betrayed...

By a man who should have loved and respected you, I can never understand the workings of some individuals, and mental illness doesn't explain it all away. I cannot imagine, completely, everything you went through, and words alone are simply inadequate. :hug:

[JeremyWestenn]

18. :(

Sharing stories is important, it helps people more then anyone could ever know.

Blessed be darling.

[Solon]

24. Blessed Be!

Though I'm not used to being called darling by guys, but thanks all the same. :)

[dsc]

25. That is a hard story

Aquaintance rape has got to be about the hardest to recover from as you end up questioning your judgement on top of everything else. If it helps, eventually you will be able to trust again. Time heals in this regard, at least it often does.

[Solon]

26. That was a big part of my guilt...

I blamed myself for putting myself in a position to be vulnerable, since then, I've been slow in making friends, and particular as well. My best friend is a lesbian, a "safe" person to be around, a person I can be vulnerable with.

[dsc]

27. Being gay led to much of my guilt

Did I give off vibes etc? In retrospect I don't think they would have done it to me had I been straight but that is different than saying I deserved it. I do think time tends to heal in this regard and hope it does for you.

[Solon]

28. Don't think that their behavior would have changed because of what YOU are.

This isn't about sex, but power, they wanted to humiliate you in the worst possible manner, and your sexuality would have no bearing on it. Hell, to the assholes who did this to you probably would have had an even greater power trip if you were straight. This is similar to me wondering if I gave off signs that I wanted to have sex with the woman who forced me. I figured out, a while ago, that it doesn't excuse her behavior, she wanted to dominate someone, and I was most convenient at the time.

ON EDIT: :hug: to you, for what you suffered.

[dsc]

30. It was supposed to just be hazing

thats why I think my being gay entered in to it. I also think they had issues of their own to say the least. Kids can be cruel no doubt about that.

:hug:

with hopes that time heals.

[shireen]

29. thank you for sharing these painful life experiences ...

it helps us all understand and empathize.

:grouphug: