New one on me: Exiled Mothers... your take?

[ChoralScholar]

http://exiledmothers.com/

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We are mothers who lost our babies to the adoption industry in both closed adoptions and "open" adoptions.

NONE of us willingly surrendered our children.
None of us "gave them away."
Our babies were NOT gifts.
They were NOT "unwanted."


We were exiled from our babies NOT because we were proven unfit, but because we were vulnerable (young, unwed, sick, or poor), and lied-to and coerced by social workers, doctors, lawyers, maternity homes, and churches: brokers that made money from selling our babies to a market driven by "consumer" demand.

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http://exiledmothers.com/

[SoCalDem]

1. There is truth to what they say, but the exiling was done by THEIR parents

who were too embarrassed and ashamed to admit that their unmarried/teenaged daughter had "gone all the way" and was a "girl in trouble"..

They could not bring themselves to grandparent a bastard-child, and be parents to a harlot/slut/wanton woman/fast girl/tramp/whore..etc.

So the parents exiled her and made her come home alone..or not at all. Women of that era could not "just go get a self-supporting job".. Back then girls went to high school and married a hometown boy soon after graduation..or if she went to college, she married and out-of-town boy ..but she probably married..and married young...

a "bastard" child would render her unworthy of a "nice man's attention"..


I feel for these women, and all that needs to be done is to open the records and for the state to contact each party and arrange a meeting if both agree.. It ain't rocket science

[ChoralScholar]

4. I can see that... and DO see that a lot.

Everything's about putting on an image... makes me sick, really.

[Maddy McCall]

6. It may not be rocket science...

but it's not always a good thing. Can you imagine being an bio mother or adopted child, and being rejected either by your child or mother? Many people aren't willing to take that risk.

I'm one of those who doesn't wish to be contacted by my birth mom. Not now. Maybe later, but not now.

[SoCalDem]

7. Not contacted by the Mom.. whatever agency is guarding

te records just send a letter saying.."your mother/daughter/son is interested in meeting you. IF you are interested, please contact THIS OFFICE.."

If one party is not interested, at least the other party has the satisfaction of knowing they are alive, and at a future date they might change their mind..or not. No one meets anyone without BOTH agreeing beforehand.

[Maddy McCall]

10. My brother's bio mom called him about two years ago.

It caused a lot of turmoil for him. And for me, because I'm the only person he'd confide in. Texas evidently has open records.

[blonndee]

11. It's not Texas. I was born in Texas and it took me 20 years

to find out ANYTHING about my adopted family.

By then it was too late. My bio mom had committed suicide seven years prior so I never knew her.

No sympathy seeking here; I just wish I had had a chance to know her beforehand. I was looking for her around the time she killed herself.

Edited to say: That's actually not right...I started looking for my mom around 1986 when I was 11-12 (with my adoptive parents' blessing) and my bio mom died in 1988. After MUCH, MUCH, false information the "trail" went cold, even though her entire family never moved outside the area. There was no reason for the info not to be made available to my mother. I am so angry at the people who arranged the adoption who pretended not to know ANYthing about my mother. It really set me back on health/mental health issues as well as emotional issues that needed to be addressed. I also have a half sister by my mom that I didn't know about until I was 20 years old. Had I had access to my bio family earlier I would have known. They had NO idea I was looking for them, and wanted to see me the whole time.

[Maddy McCall]

13. Actually, you can get a copy of your original birth certificate now in TX

I am sorry about the loss of your mother.

A law was passed recently that pretty much opened adoption searches for the children.

Again, let me say that I know what my brother is going throughand has been going through--I certainly am not lying about it--, for the past couple of years. He had no desire to meet this woman. He definitely gave no consent for her to contact him. Yet she did.

[Straight Shooter]

2. I can certainly believe it.

The unwed mother is always the first one judged, the one most severely punished. Society is a bit more forgiving these days, thank goodness, but we may be returning to that era if the right wing fundies have their way.

Very sad. It's another situation of having no choice.

[politicat]

3. My step-father was forcibly taken from his teenage mother.

She never got over it; basically stopped growing emotionally at that time. (There's a huge story, but the nutshell version is that her elder sister was infertile; my step-father's birth mother volunteered to be a surrogate mother (before such a term existed) at 17, having graduated from high school; when she had the my step-father, instead of allowing the family adoption to go through as planned, the baby was taken away from the entire family and placed with an abusive family who hurt him badly.)

I'm not comfortable with adoption in general - I think it is often used to exploit the poor (most children in adoption or the foster system are not from wealthy families, though abuse happens in wealthy families, too) and even though I am adopted, I am concerned that birth parents aren't given enough counseling about what is really going to happen. (My birth parent died.)

[Maddy McCall]

5. Yes, it happens. Check out any "crisis pregnancy center."

Their sole reason for existing is to catch vulnerable young girls who come in for a pregnancy test, and convince them to give the babies up.

By the way, I am an adoptee. I feel very sorry for the women who feel the way the mothers at the website feel. It's sad that so many women are manipulated into believing that the only way their child can be happy is if they give them up.

Adoption isn't always a good situation. I'm not the only adoptee who feels this way. Of the six with whom I'm friends, who are within five years of my age, three of them feel like I do.

[Samurai_Writer]

8. I'm a birthmother

My son was born in 1978. And I can tell you that what was done to me and thousands of other of birthmothers were and are ethically, morally, and in some instances, legally reprehensible.

My story is at http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/2991/marybb.html

[blonndee]

12. I'm reading your site but I would like to talk to you a bit more.

I'll PM you.

[LeftyMom]

9. That sounds a lot like what happened to my son's paternal grandmother

She was young, unmarried and pregnant with my son's Dad. She was pressured into an adoption, even though she had family support and would have managed okay (she had two kids a few years later, they came out fine.) His purchasers (they really don't have the unconditional love one would expect of parents, I think nature knew what it was doing when it made them unable to concieve) provided for his every material want but were always very clear that he was not what they wanted, not enough like them and generally inadequate. (They also never told him he was adopted, he found the paperwork as a preteen and figured it out for himself.)

To add insult to injury, he was legally unable to determine his parent's names or find out about his medical history. He finally met his mother, thanks to some detective work on her end, around his 30th birthday (he met his siblings somewhat later, which was a neat experience for him because his adoptors never purchased any additional children.) They have a good relationship.