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That is, ‘What Would Anyone Not the Veeptard Do?’
Let’s start with the stipulations:
1. Cheney made at least two cardinal firearms safety errors: A) He did not maintain situational awareness of his hunting party members, and B) He fired his weapon without being COMPLETELY certain of both his target and the background (or foreground(!)) of his target. And possibly a third major error: He may have fired below the “safe” level of 45% above shoulder height.
2. It was BAD, IRRESPONSIBLE, and STUPID for him to make those errors, and, in consequence, the blame for his friend’s painful and possibly life-threatening wounds belongs ENTIRELY TO CHENEY.
Okay, are we clear on that? Just wanted to be sure the common ground is thoroughly established. Now, above and beyond the stipulations, let me express some PERSONAL VIEWS, just to clarify my own bias and provide pro-forma disclaimers for anyone who disagrees with my personal views:
While I generally have no problem with hunting that involves the effort of locating wild game, approaching the game stealthily, following responsible and humane shooting procedures, and putting the dead game to use as food and/or trophy mounts, I, personally, find the notion of mass-slaughtering farm-raised and penned ‘game’ both extremely poor sportsmanship and possibly evidence of a rather nasty personality disorder.
That clear, too? Good.
Now that the ground is laid, let me shock the hell out of everyone by saying that:
I don’t think Cheney’s accidental shooting of his hunting companion was necessarily a) criminal, or b) heinous.
People make mistakes. People hunting make mistakes, sometimes really bad mistakes. That doesn’t make them criminals or evil. Even people (allegedly) drinking and hunting are responsible for their mistakes, but NOT GUILTY OF EVIL/CRIMINAL INTENT. I’ve known a couple of hunters who have been involved in such mistakes, and while criminal negligence might be at issue here, I’m not ready to impute pure unadulterated evil or criminality to the Veeptard solely on the basis of his grotesquely egregious mistakes and/or negligence. It happens.
It happens to far too many hunters, and I don’t think the fact that Cheney is Vice President of the United States makes his Elmer Fudd booboo any worse than a similar booboo would be for any other hunter. I’m not going to pile on to him about that, though I may engage in a few chortles over the irony of the whole incident.
But here’s where it gets a little thick. I’m trying to imagine what *I* would do in a similar situation. OK, I wouldn’t be at a game-slaughter facility, for sure, but say in an ordinary hunting situation where I’d been careless enough to have a couple of beers at lunch and then head back to the field, and then committed the APPALLING boner of sound-shooting and hit one of my hunting party.
God, I would be just devastated! My first reactions would be:
1. Get medical help to the wounded.
2. Report the accident to the proper authorities, and answer all of their questions, submit to a breathalyzer test if requested, etc. (I’ll admit it, I might ‘neglect to mention’ the beers at lunch, but if they asked, I’d be truthful and I’d take the test.)
3. Go to the hospital, make sure that my victim’s family was notified, abase myself abjectly before them, and make an unconditional promise to cover all the medical expenses from my personal liability insurance and/or my own damn’ pocket, even if I had to take out a second mortgage to do it. And give them my insurance agent and my lawyer’s name. And abase myself some more, probably shedding some tears.
Now, I’m not a famous person and I doubt any media would be interested in my stupidity unless/until my victim died, GODFORBID. But if the injury was serious I’d probably have my lawyer at hand and follow her advice about what to say to any reporters who happened to be hanging around the emergency room or listening to the scanner.
But what if I WAS famous? What if I was an elected representative of people who believed in my responsibility and good judgment? What would I do then?
Well. Those first three priorities would be the same, no question. Depending on how long it took to get medical help, I can’t imagine those three things taking more than, oh, five or six hours, tops.
And while I was waiting in an agony of apprehension and remorse to learn the details of my victim’s condition, I’d be thinking very soberly and tough-mindedly about how to handle the ‘public’ aspects of my idiocy. I’m guessing the results would look something like this:
First, assuming the doctors told me that my victim’s injuries were serious but not necessarily life-threatening, I’d be thinking “Can I salvage this? Should I try?” If I were a sincere, dedicated public servant who really believed I was doing a good job for my constituents, better than any potential replacement (especially one of the Other Party,) I’d probably try.
So I’d craft (or have my PR folks craft, if I was that high up,) a statement for IMMEDIATE RELEASE (remember, it’s been about 5-6 hours, tops,) saying exactly what happened, taking responsibility for my terrible mistake, expressing my deep sorrow for my victim and his/her family, and promising another statement in a few hours when those investigating the incident and the doctors have more information. I’d probably also have my flaks primed with the info that I’m paying my victim’s medical expenses and cooperating fully with the investigation, but I wouldn’t put that up front in my statement.
Then I’d watch anxiously to see how my victim did, what the results of the investigation showed, etc. Depending on how things played out, here’s what might happen next:
1. The investigators found little to no alcohol in my bloodstream, put it down as an accident, gave me a summons for my stupid mistake (or maybe not,) and my victim’s prognosis was pretty good.
In that case, my next statement would reiterate my regret, my concern for my victim, and declare that I would be voluntarily participating in (and donating a bunch of money to,) the state’s Firearms Safety program. Oh, yeah, and giving up sport hunting until I retired from office. I’d follow that up with a couple of free PSA’s for the state Firearms Safety program, and maybe try to get legislation passed making that program more available and accessible to everyone. Then I’d cross my fingers and hope that the foofooraw would die down sufficiently before the next election. I’d probably get my speechwriters to come up with some nice self-deprecating jokes to trot out at dinner speeches and fundraisers AFTER my victim had recovered.
2. The investigators found me criminally negligent for some reason — blood alcohol content, whatever. I’d resign from office and (depending on the finding and my victim’s injuries/survival) either plea bargain or plead guilty to the smallest charge I thought appropriate, do my time/pay my fine, do the same voluntary community service for the Firearms Safety program regardless, and spend the next few years trying to rehabilitate myself sufficiently to get elected dogcatcher or something, and work my way back. But never covering up my mistake, rather using it as a “See, I made an error and took responsibility for it” example.
3. My victim, godforbid, was seriously maimed and/or died. I’d resign immediately, plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter or negligent homicide or whatever the appropriate charge was, and try to start putting my life back together after doing my time.
Anyway, that’s what I’d do. What I WOULDN’T do, no matter what the circumstances, would be to stonewall the press for hours, shift communications responsibility onto the owner of the game preserve, and then have my flaks and press shills shift the blame onto my victim.
But then, I’m not the Veeptard.
imaginatively,
Bright
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