Need some DU input please!

[The Straight Story]

On 12/31/2004 I lost my mom - a devastating blow to me which was followed up by the reason I am posting this thread.

My X wife and I were seperated and divorced after 10 yrs when I was 29 (I am now 40). During that time I lived for a few years in california (both ridgecrest and tehachapi). I would come back to ohio and stay a month or more just to see my 3 kids (I had visitation rights).

I finally decided that I wanted to be here, in Ohio, where I could spend more time with my kids (one weekend a month, half the summer, every other holiday). So I split up with X girlfriend, found a new one, quit my job, and moved back here.

Up until the time I moved back here, and prior to X-wife marrying, it was not a problem to see my boys (and I could go on for sometime on this whole topic, this is condensed version).

Long story short - I moved back here, X wife remarried, and no longer wanted me to see my kids. I threatened after some time of not seeing them to take her to court. She asked me to meet her and I did. She said if I did not sign them over she would battle it in court and kids would tell how they were sexually and physically abused by myself and my parents (whom she pawned them off to while she went bar hopping - funny thing is she would never let them stay with them before, but now she needed them). I signed the adoption papers for her to spare my kids and parents a long court battle - which I would have won but would have hurt them and mom/dad a ton (not to mention all the court appearences in another county and so on).

It had been 7 years since I had seen my boys when one day last October my dad came over (They helped me buy the house next door to them, then mom up and died a few months later) and said my youngest son had called him looking for me. My X wife, 42, had died in the night on July 3rd.

I called him back and he blamed me for her death, for putting undue stress on her and not supporting them - after some talks (he is 14) I think he saw some truth: I over paid child support by 2k, she never told the courts they were adopted (and when i asked her to tell child support she refused unless I gave her 5k to help her out) - simply speaking I could have ran her through the wringers but backed off for the sake of my boys (19, 17, and 14).

After several calls to my youngest son he began to see the light, and remembered good times with me. We planned on meeting (I don't even know what they look like now). Then the step dad stepped in and told me never to call there again, that they had been through enough, etc. That was in November.

So here I sit, I did all I could to be the good guy and now my two oldest have heard nothing but bad about me from X wife and her family and hate me. Youngest seemed to want to talk to me more but cannot.

My desire is to send their stepdad a letter with all the info he never heard and explain the hows and whys (he called here one night and told my wife that the kids would never forgive me for signing them over to her and him) as well as some pics of the X. It was a hard year for both of us, and all I want is to find a way to comfort my boys in their time of loss (And x had a daughter with stepdad, she is 6 and I am sure all this is hard on her).

Of course, with the X dead I cannot tell the gory details and truth as to why I left, and so on. But in some ways I can be honest and explain some basic things. I find myself driving to where they live often in hopes of seeing what they look like now, but that is all I am able to do at this time.

I just want them to know the truth, the good and bad, to answer any questions they may have (my youngest son was mad at me at first, but then was able to see my side, so I have some hope). It is hard to let go of three kids you love so much, but that is what I face. I want to hold them and tell them this hard time is ok, I want to be there like I have tried to be for so many years. But all they have heard are lies from inlaws who hate me (and oddly enough they seem to hate their stepdad and blame him in some ways for x's death - she had only a half kidney and one night it failed and she passed on).

I dunno, I am rambling and tired and stressed. I want to help but am hated. How does one overcome such a thing and move on?

PS - Stepdad is a fundie and his dad is a baptist minister. Go figure...

[bookman]

1. The first thing that comes to mind...

..is the 19 year old. You should be able to meet with him since he is an adult. You might have to have him hear your story.

Complicated to say the least. I really don't know legalities, but wish you will in your good intentions towards your sons.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

2. first...

:grouphug:

This has to be so tough for you!

Send a letter to the oldest, and to the others if you can. If there is no order saying you can't have contact, then the stepdad can't do that much.

Short notes, don't try to explain everything. Just tell them you love them, and there have been some untruths told about the situation. Give them your contact information and let them know that whenever they are ready to talk, you will be there, and that you have always loved them, you thought you were doing the best for them.

[niyad]

3. several things come to mind --you and your children have been through

some incredibly difficult times. is there some reliable, neutral party who could act as a go-between for you and your sons? have you contacted an attorney to see what rights you might have, if any? do you have any documentation that shows just how the x was threatening and coercing you?

I don't know how one does move on from a situation like this--you might want to talk to a counselor for some advice.

you have my best wishes for hopes that this painful situation can be resolved. please let us know how things are going.

[wookie294]

4. As your children get older, they could be less inclined to reject you

Maybe the stepdad will have less influence on your kids over the next few years.

I think there's hope -- even if it might take a few (or more) years.

Time is a great healer. It's a cliche, but true -- in my humble opinion.

Don't give up on those kids. Sounds like you're a good dad!

[EST]

5. Step number 1-

Make some inquiries and find yourself a good lawyer. Do not be driving by their house-you could be leaving yourself open to charges of stalking.
Step2-Go over the whole thing with your new lawyer, leave out no details; make sure she/he hears the entire story.
Step 3-Do exactly as the lawyer suggests, even if, in his opinion, you are told to leave them strictly alone, which isn't likely. You will be a whole lot more useful and a better influence if you're not in jail.
Be aware that people will heal from most indignities. Your kids are big enough to accept and acknowledge the truth and, in the unlikely event that they don't want to have anything to do with you, don't let your own selfishness and regret for missed opportunities (usually just another manifestation of selfishness) get in the way of allowing them to make their own choices.

Be available, if needed, but, since they are perfectly capable of making their own choices, be clear that they will be more like adult friends and loved ones than kids/family.

Above all else--treat them and everyone else involved with the utmost respect, including yourself.

[roguevalley]

6. no good deed ever seems to go unpunished. I concur with the

advice above. send gifts on appropriate days and put short notes in, maybe with a picture or two of the family and you. It will intrigue them. Give them time to come. Tell the truth. Keep the hurt out of your voice but be truthful. Time heals all wounds. Hugs to you in your travail. Its sad isn't it how people waste time.