You Know You Are Still a Republican If ...

[im10ashus]

(courtesy of Buzz Flash)

You Know You Are Still a Republican If ...

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION
by Jimmy Lohman

You are more upset about Brokeback Mountain than Abu Ghraib.

You can’t stand Hilary Clinton’s hair but you have no problem with Tom DeLay’s.

You think Global Warming is no big deal but environmentalists are a major problem.

You support the "war on drugs" but think Rush Limbaugh is being prosecuted unfairly.

You think professional athletes make too much money but Sam Walton’s kids deserve everything they have.

You like the way George Bush walks.

You think Al Gore is "wooden" and Donald Rumsfeld has charisma.

You think CNN is biased but Fox News is neutral.

You like the sound of Newt Gingrich’s voice.

You are sure the United States has the best education and health care systems in the world.

You think Dick Cheney is a straight shooter.

You think Michael Chertoff’s beard makes him look distinguished.

You think the problem with our health care system is lawyers.

You think it was more important to locate Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress than to locate weapons of mass destruction.

You don’t believe "terrorism" has made Rudy Giuliani an incredibly rich man.

You believe freedom of speech covers everything Pat Robertson says and does, but burning a flag should be illegal.

You can be in the same room with Brit Hume.

You have yourself convinced that the country and world are better off now than 5 years ago.

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION

Jimmy Lohman is a musician and human rights lawyer in Austin, Texas, and an occasional contributor to Buzzflash.


http://www.buzzflash.com/contributors/06/02/con06073.html

[Hello_Kitty]

1. Sweet! k and r'd, bookmarked, and set for wide distribution! n/t

[Kukesa]

2. Kick! So funny -- and so true, too. nt

[Radio_Guy]

3. I'll add one

You believe Vince Foster was murdered but Margie Schoedinger was a suicide.

[im10ashus]

4. Good one!

Here's another.

You are anti-choice but pro-death penalty.

[Patsy Stone]

12. This is my favorite dichotomy of all.

:crazy:

[FormerRepublican]

5. WHEW! Yep, I'm definately a "former"...

[UrbScotty]

6. KRB&F

Kicked, recommended, bookmarked, and forwarded.

[SeattleGirl]

7. These are great! Here's my contribution:

You are "pro-life" but don't think poor women should have any government assistance to help provide for their children.

[Dr Ron]

8. Then there's the serious ones

You believe Saddam had WMD (or hid them in Syria), was allied with al Qaeda, or was behind the 9/11 attacks
You believe any attack from GOP opperatives, such as the Swift Boat Lies, because they are attacks on Democrats
You still believe that the Republicans stand for small government and the free market after five years of Bush's "big government conservativism" and crony capitalism
You claim to believe in limited government while supporting attempts by the religious right to impose their views on others, or while looking the other way as Bush grabs more power for the Executive Branch
You believe in intelligent design or that there is any question as to the scientific validity of evolution

[Mz Pip]

9. Forwarded to thousands!

This is so perfect!

Mz Pip
:dem:

[RazzleDazzle]

10. I love to post this every chance I get -- this seems an apt place

JOE REPUBLICAN

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance -- now Joe gets it, too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo.

His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries and government from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.


Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills.


Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression. Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until-some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

Joe is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that Joe's beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees. "After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."


(I wish I knew the original attribution, but I don't. I do know that I first saw it here at DU: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=104x4875889 )

[im10ashus]

11. That's brilliant.

Thanks for posting!

[Jamison]

13. You know you're a republican if...

you're like this guy:

?3001

"Hello? White House? Yes'm I'd like to jest tell yoo all God bless prezident Bush!"