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"Dear Colleague:
Today, I have asked Speaker Hastert to convene our conference for the purpose of electing a new majority leader, the position I have been honored to fill these past three years through the trust and confidence of our colleagues."
Dear Good Friend or Backstabbing Bastard:
Today, after being confined in a brutal straitjacket, and covered with duct tape up to my eyebrows, I have been forced to ask that fat sonofabitch, Denny "Abramoff" Hastert, to convene a conference for the purpose of putting some treacherous scum into MY rightful post as majority leader, the position through which I have been obscenely enriched by filling for these past 3 years, through my arm-twisting and waterboarding of you, my weak-kneed little yes-men.
"During my time in Congress, I have always acted in an ethical manner within the rules of our body and the laws of our land. I am fully confident time will bear this out."
During my time in Congress, I have always acted in a manner consistent with our secret code. I am fervently praying I still have enough moolah to pay off those stupid, fat, jurors who will be DARING to sit in judgment of ME.
"However, we live in serious times and the United States House of Representatives must be focused on the job of protecting our nation and meeting the daily challenges facing the American people. History has proven that when House Republicans are united and focused, success follows."
However, we live in serious times (since we all know we have helped to power a demented idiot who may push the nookular button at any moment) and the United States House of Representatives must be focused on the job of protecting the power of the republican party and meeting the daily challenges presented by those idiots and wackos, the sheep who are our followers, and who sometimes have the temerity to bleat requests for favors, even though they have no money to give us. History has proven that when House republicans are united and focused, war and mayhem follow. This is fine, as long as it results in profits.
"While we wage these important battles, I cannot allow our adversaries to divide and distract our attention. I will continue to stand up for the issues I care so deeply about and work with you all on these priorities. I am constantly thankful for the support of my constituents in recent days as well as over the years they have allowed me to serve them. I will continue to work every day to fulfill their trust, and yours."
While we continue to deny democrats and their constituents ANY representation whatsoever in the House, I cannot allow the bastards to divide and distract our attention with their ridiculous complaints about silly nonsense like lobbyist bribes and phony redistricting plans. I will continue to stand up for the issues I care so deeply about--just as soon as I get this (ARGH...OOOF..) damn duct tape off me and get untied from this (ARGH...OOOF..)... (pant pant) chair. I am constantly thankful (don't hit me again!!) for the support of my constituents (and of fellow congressmen--except YOU, Duke Cunningham, DAMN YOU!)-- in recent days, as well as over the years they have allowed me to rob them, abuse them, fuck them, and smear feces on them. And I ain't goin' anywhere! I'm as powerful as I've ever been! DO YOU HEAR ME??????
"Regards,
Tom DeLay"
Regards, you fucking backstabbing bastards, and I am STILL YOUR MASTER DO YOU HEAR ME,
Tom DeLay.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! NO! NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME STEP DOWN! NO! mmmphhh....arggghhhh... mmph...Thud.
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