Third Hand Smoke (THS) affects 99 out of 100 people (ROFL satire)

[The Straight Story]

The Surgeon General’s office today released a controversial 1,346-page report outlining the dangers of third-hand smoke.

“We have decades of well-documented evidence on the dangers of smoking,” announced Health Department spokesman Moe Gadeeshu at a Washington press conference. “The costs in health care, missed work and shorter life spans is horrendously high. Just recently, we discovered the dangers of just being in the same room with a smoker and labeled that as second-hand smoke. Now, it is a historic day in American health care. We have pinpointed yet another smoke-related disease: THS.”
According to the World Health Organization, which co-authored the study, Third-Hand Smoke, or, THS, is a malady that strikes 99 out of 100 people daily.

“Due to several decades of political correctness and an egocentric sensitivity bordering on the pathological,” Gadeeshu noted, “just the very mentioning of cigarettes, smoke, smoking or people who smoke can cause increased risk of depression, anxiety, heart attack and sexual dysfunction.”

“I was having lunch at one of those outdoor restaurants in Santa Monica,” said Sarah Tonin, who was recently diagnosed with THSS (Third Hand Smoke Syndrome). “It was a beautiful day. The sky was blue. You could feel the good vibes from the ocean. Then some darn idiot from the next table over started talking about dating this girl who smoked. Pretty soon, the currents were blowing his conversation toward my ears and it was really upsetting. I mean, I’m sitting there eating and I can actually picture this woman there, in my mind, smoking. I undertipped and left in a huff.”

Tonin claimed the exposure to third-hand smoke upset her so she was unable to return to the San Fernando Valley chlorine factory where she worked. She is under doctor’s care and is currently suing a range of defendants. “My client was leading a rich, fulfilling life prior to suffering the agony of hearing about somebody smoking,” said famed and rather shrill trial attorney, Holly Peño. “There is a giant octopus of a conspiracy eager to do harm here.”

http://www.the-signal.com/News/ViewStory.asp?storyID=2255

[LARED]

1. The scary part is you need to tell people it's satire (n/t)

[OffWithTheirHeads]

2. No shit

sad, huh?