Have you personally ever been involved with Domestic Violence?

[uppityperson]

I am not meaning have you ever worked or volunteered, but have you personally been involved.

I have as a young adult. I was one of these women once. Fact was my boyfriend beat me. He beat me because I talked back, because I protested when he had sex with another woman, because I came home after when he wanted me there, because I saw an old friend, because he was drunk, because I was there.

Yes, I chose him, but it started gradually and worked its way through the classic violence/makeup stuff. I do not blame myself for buying into the gradually escalating "your friends are stupid and ugly, don't hang out with them, you don't deserve me, you made me angry by answering/not answering so I am right in hitting you". I acknowledge my part in it, but I put the blame for the violence directly on him.

It took years to get away, and broken bones, and years to recover and figure out wtf had happened and how to never ever ever buy into the gradually escalating isolating brainwashing crap again.

If it could happen to me, it could happen to many. And no, I do not believe there is an excuse for violence except to defend oneself. Ever.

[Lerkfish]

1. not directly, but unbeknownst to me, my sister was a victim

of her second husband. I was an early teen, and back then (early 70s), domestic violence was not recognized as such.
I saw him totally lose his temper many times, punch a hole in a wall, drive dangerously, etc., but I never saw him hit my sister. only after she left him and years later did I find out. Good thing for him, he was long gone, not that I probably could have done much about it.

[uppityperson]

2. My family didn't know for yrs either.We get good at hiding things.

[EFerrari]

10. Yep. There were a few years when what I wore to work depended

on what I needed to hide. :(

[Lerkfish]

18. how f@-ed up is that? that the VICTIM has to cover up the crime!

big hugs to both of you.

:grouphug:

[EFerrari]

20. I finally figured it out -- untreated mental illness -- and took care of it

but no thanks to the many agencies I reached out to. :mad:

[Lerkfish]

23. sorry, I didn't mean YOU were messed up, just the situation.

:hugs:

[EFerrari]

26. It was pretty bad and no, I'm not bristling.

All domestic violence isn't equal but I guess I should just be glad it's getting any attention at ALL.

I guess one of the few lingering resentments I have is that, if most folks weren't so concerned with putting Doug in jail and if they've have TESTED him, our hell would have been cut short by years.

Don't know what the stats are, but when he FINALLY got the meds I'd been begging for, the violence disappeared altogether. He never thought hurting women was okay. He went into a paranoid state and those two, really different situations can look a LOT alike. They are both very dangerous. :(

But, pragmatically, those people had to make a choice and they all had concerns about liability. I understand that, now. Then, it was just so much for me to handle.

TG for TODAY!

lol

:hi:

[Rosemary2205]

3. My current husband has become a violent person.

He has permanant brain damage from a car accident in 2000 and very little short term memory. He also has trouble recognizing his emotions and can no longer look at the body language of other people and recognize non-verbal communication. It is disabling. When there is any sort of conflict, he has difficulty functioning, gets frustrated and acts out. He has never hit a person -- yet -- but I see it coming. We have counseling but with his short term memory problems learning a new way to communicate is next to impossible. This man I love is no longer the man I loved - and there may come a time when I am forced to either divorce him or institutionalize him for my or his safety (or both).

People I beg you. One beer -- just one -- don't drive home. Turn off the damn cell phone, quit playing with the radio, don't smack at the kids in the backseat, put on the eyeliner at home or in the parking lot and the same with breakfast/coffee. I beg you, if you are just too damn tired don't drive. The damage you can cause to someone is immeasurable.

I beg you.

[supernova]

13. Rosemary,

That is a heavy burden to bear. :hug: :hug:

[TahitiNut]

17. It's at such times that we must realize ...

... that there's no contradiction between LOVING someone and choosing not to live with them. This, I believe, is something most (of us) divorced people have the most difficulty comprehending. The presumption that I had to dislike or hate my ex-wife for her behavior was at the root of my emotional conflict ... since it caused me to think I had to deny the feelings I had for her. Coming to the deeper comprehension that loving someone is more about the lover than the beloved was essential for me to preserve my own emotional health and maintain the spiritual values I have. I now understand that we can love someone without putting ourselves in jeopardy - since healthy self-respect (NOT ego) is essential to being unconditionally loving. (Love cannot be a suicide mission.)

[Rosemary2205]

25. This is very true.

"Love is not a suicide mission" -- or however you put it -- is just so true.

[sampsonblk]

4. Yeah, a girl hit me then called the cops

No lie. She I spent at least 30 mins trying to calm her down. Then she called the police and said I hit her. And they arrested me. I will never forget it. They said they had no choice. It was required by law, they said.

[TahitiNut]

15. A similar thing happened to a close, personal friend of mine.

His wife, after painting the kitchen, had some bruises (none deep) from climbing on the counter and bumping against the cabinets. She even light-heartedly complained about the bruises as a way of bragging about painting the kitchen. One Saturday, in a gathering with her girlfriends, they were "joking" about filing a domestic abuse complaint. They even had some form, it turns out. Well, it turns out that the complaint actually was filed. (Some drinking was involved that Saturday. Fun times.)

Having known my friend for 15 years, I knew for absolute certain that he was enormously appalled at any thought of such violence. In fact, he was a person who avoided anything even approaching such conflicts and would leave the room or leave the house rather than even verbally fight. If anything, I'd criticize him for being an 'escapist' ... because he was so adamantly opposed to even verbal conflict. I know of almost nobody less likely to use physical force.

Well, the cops showed up at their door at 7am one morning and arrested him - in his underwear. (They let him get dressed, then, before carting him off to jail.) Even as they were cuffing him, his wife was crying and saying that her friends and her were "joking". This, of course, won't stop the cops at that point because really abused women often make such claims.

I had to bail him out that evening. The charges were dismissed with prejudice by the judge at arraignment - "in the interests of justice."

This was the culmination of a number of events in their marriage ... his wife was bipolar and frequently refused to take the medications she was prescribed.


PS... Since I've done volunteer work with the SARC and facilitated support groups for victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse, I'm not at all inclined to dismiss any allegations of abuse. I've had too much on the line personally to ever dismiss it.

[lapislzi]

5. Thanks for speaking out--yes, it can happen to anyone...ANYONE

It happened to me, and not because I'm a dumb person. Any "enabling" that occurred over time was a direct result of years of conditioning and systematic tearing down (by him) of my sense of self.

You don't go out on a first date with someone and get beaten up. If you did, there would never be a second date.

It usually starts out disguised as sweet, loving behavior, designed to appeal to someone whose sense of self-worth is maybe a little shaky. It looks and sounds cute at first: "I only want to be with you, baby. We don't need anybody else, just us." "Your friends don't appreciate you. Stay home with me." "Nobody loves you like I love you." "If you leave me, I'll die." "I go out of my mind when another guy looks at you."

Even "helping" behavior can be a mask for control. Not letting someone drive a car; keeping the household accounts under lock and key; these serve to undermine the victim's confidence and belief in his/her own abilities. The abuser wants total control; wants the victim to be completely dependent. This process can take months or years. You hit on a big one with the word "brainwashing." My ex used to show me a notebook (which he kept locked away), saying that he was keeping notes on my "craziness," and when the notebook was filled up, he'd have me committed. Walking on eggshells described my life for many years.

I'm glad you got out, uppityperson. Thank you for sharing. :hug:

[Recursion]

6. I had a girlfriend who beat the crap out of me

But in the context of childhood abuse it seemed like a relief. It wasn't nearly as hard for me to leave her as it is for a woman in the analogous situation, but it still took me a few months. It's actually a little more common in the military than people might think (and of course male-on-female domestic violence is rampant in the military); a lot of Marines in my section would show up on Monday with a black eye "from a bar fight" (*cough*).

She went to AA eventually and seems to have sorted herself out some; I'm glad of that, though when she was doing whatever step requires her to apologize I made it very clear she simply could never be a part of my life again, even for something as quick as that.

[nadinbrzezinski]

7. As an EMS worker? Does that count?

The harderst kind of intervetion truly

[Breeze54]

8. Yes, as a child and an adult.

My father was not physically violent but we were scared shitless of him and his temper.
My ex isolated me from family and friends soon after we were married. No phone, car and
went apeshit when I had the gall to get a job!! He gradually, over 10 yrs, became verbally
abusive and would beat up the house and inanimate objects, punch walls, destroy everything,
rip phones out of walls, etc. At the end, he tried to strangle me with a phone cord after
the police served him a restraining order. He tore the screen door off the hinges, kicked
in the double locked inside door and attacked me in the kitchen. Luckily my neighbors heard
the screaming and came to my rescue and he was arrested on 27 counts. Not long after he
left the state, at police request, he started calling me at all hours of the night, crying...
"I still love you" :eyes: He never paid any child support or bills. He tried to get sexual with
me about 6 months later at a child vistation exchange. :eyes: He just didn't get it or want to
and he refused to sign the divorce papers and said that if I tried to divorce him he would make
my life miserable. That was the only promise he kept! And left me hanging for about three years
on the divorce. He still tried to order me around after the divorce, right in front of his girl-
-friend (2nd wife)! I had to remind him that we weren't married anymore! He went as far as to
stalk me all the way to CA, over a year later! WTF?? Freaky!!

A total f**king prick! His 2nd wife also divorced him later on.

He was a sweetheart when we were dating and for the three years before we were married.
He changed after we were married and I did not understand what was happening or why.
He became extremely possessive and controlling. His father, I learned later, was very
abusive to his mother, as he was growing up. I've never remarried and I was asked a few times.

[supernova]

9. Emotionally abusive marriage

for nine years, which got steadily worse. I eventually left when I did because I realized what was happening and feared that it would escalate to physical abuse. I wasn't about to stick around for Act II. :grr:

Here's to those of us who got away! :toast:

[independentpiney]

11. My ex-wife

It was mostly verbal and psychological abuse,which can be almost as bad, but i also bear permanent scars from fending off a couple of physical attacks. Her father was an abusive,alcoholic serial adulterer, and I think she became like him as a defensive measure.

[Quixote1818]

12. I guess I am lucky. Never seen any kind of domestic violence first hand.

nt

[BlooInBloo]

14. I punched a guy I saw hit a girl once - does that count?

[Madspirit]

22. That makes you a hero!...n/t

[BlooInBloo]

24. lol! If that's true at all, it's only because the bar for it has been lowered...

... by jackass guys no less.

[Blue_In_AK]

16. Yes, as an adult...

My ex had some serious issues in that department. I stuck it out with him for almost 20 years because I cared about him and because he too realized it was his fault and not mine. He seemed to suffer almost as much as I did, but I finally had enough. It's a long story, but everything worked out okay in the end, and we parted with no hard feelings. Our divorce was far more amicable than our marriage had ever been.

[raccoon]

19. My father was an abuser and active alcoholic. My earlier childhood

would remind you of "The Shining."

My mother took my sibs and me and left him in a hurry.

[Breeze54]

51. I'm glad she did, for all your sakes.

;)

:hug:

[Madspirit]

21. k&r

...and yes, as a child and as an adult.
Lee

[Bucky]

27. I still love my country. Does that count?

Shame on you, Bucky. That was very inappropriate.

[uppityperson]

39. 911 911 911 911 911

kicking for Bucky

[Bluerthanblue]

28. yes- childhood and adulthood.

- but it stops with me and my ex.

My sons will not be abusers or victims. They are growing into kind, patient, compassionate men.
Ending my marriage was one of the most difficult but important things i've ever done. Something that i never could have dreamed possible, and wouldn't have been without the help of some truly wonderful friends.

too many people face this- far too many.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[Squatch]

29. I was accused of rape once

It was completely baseless: she accused me since I was dumping her ass.

But, the scary thing was, that it didn't matter that she could be lying through her teeth, I was already tried and found guilty by my friends and some of my family. It took forever to gain back their trust.

Oh, there were times there when I would have wanted nothing more than to push her off a nearly vertical rock face covered with brambles, venemous snakes, and burning bushes, but I made a promise to myself years ago that I would only resort to violence to stop an attack on me or my loved ones.

[unpossibles]

30. yes, although only once

I was punched in the face by an ex-girlfriend with whom I lived at the time. And no, I never threatened nor hit her.

[kerry-is-my-prez]

31. Saw some guy beating a woman and got some guys to break it up...

I was screaming at him telling him he was an asshole and then he tried to go after me. Luckily - I had about 10 guys there to hold him back.

We then called the cops.

[MedleyMisty]

32. My mother's current boyfriend is abusive

So was her first husband, the father of my two half-brothers.

I think the only decent guy she ever picked was my father - he died when I had just turned seven.

The boyfriend before the abusive one sexually molested me, but she never knew about that.

She can't stand being alone, and I guess she thinks being abused is better. I tried to help her, but she's always calling saying "I'm going to get rid of him. He's too jealous." and then next time she comes down here he's with her. So I just sort of emotionally divorced myself from it.

[Bucky]

45. You're right to keep your autonomy from that kind of situation

Your mother needs strength--but it's not the sort of thing you can just explain it into her. She'll only say "enough" when she's ready to. If you can find any literature from a local women's shelter about abuse cycles and hand it to her on neutral ground, it might serve to educate her, but only if she's ready to hear that kind of message (which probably is something she sorta knows already).

I know it sucks to watch someone you care about do that to herself.

[Breeze54]

50. I can understand her not understanding.....

She may very well not 'get it' yet because abusers are 'cunning'...

The poster below suggested material you could send her.

I found this and it looks spot on! Just a suggestion.... :hug:

http://www.googobits.com/articles/p0-2446-inside-the-mind-of-an-abuser-what-you-need-to-know.html">Inside the Mind of an Abuser: What You Need to Know

Chilled me to the bone. If I had known then, what I know now....

Share it with her.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

33. Only 17% of the 77 people who've voted have not

That's damn scary.

[youthere]

34. As a child, yes...

My mother and father were both violent alcoholics. They'd come home drunk, beat on each other for a while, and when that got boring they'd drag us kids out of bed and go at us because we missed a crumb under the toaster or some stupid shit like that.

[MrSlayer]

35. I tried to stop a guy from beating his girlfriend and she turned on me.

Told me to mind my own fucking business and tried to kick me. I just laughed and walked away.

[flvegan]

36. I beat a guy senseless after he tried to rape a friend of mine.

High school...long story. Only time I've ever been handcuffed.

I don't think that counts, but it's as close as I think I get.

[blues90]

37. Both as a child and adult

As a child my father was real great with the belt and fist and also which may even be worse , the degrading I had to take .

Many years later after he died my mother told me when I was in my mid 40's he did it because he knew I was emotional and wanted to toughen me up , all this did was instill fear and a lot of personal doubt . Great excuse !

Then in the mid 70's after my divorce my wife and i had two children , at the time the children always went to the mother , she cheated on me and wanted to climb the ladder to finds anyone who could provide here with more money , I was not aware of this part of her . She filed for the divorce , I wanted to work things out for the kids mostly . She got her way .

I got to see the kids once a week , one day I noticed marks on my 4 year old daughter legs and wrists and some patches of hair that appeared to be pulled out . I asked my 8 year old son what happened , but got the usual me don't know .

I called the police to look and make a report , this was southern FL 1979 . they looked and left after they questioned me and told me they could do nothing . My wife stopped by to pick them up and would not respond to my questions .

I was furious so I called her later and she finally told me her new redneck husband tied her to the bed because she would walk out of their house on her own , then suddenly during the phone call I heard him come in slapping her around and then he hung up the phone .

Back to the police to go to her home and stop this , they went and I called them back and said she denied all and they had no right to check if she refused . This certainly did not sound right to me at all . I went through all sorts of hell and costs and never could do a thing about it , this was insane .

Finally she left this fool freak for someone else who seemed ok and so far now my kids are in their 30's but do seem to show mental scars from it all .

I feel like a failure not being able to stop this thing and always and still blame myself . I never could understand the lax attitude of the police and how if I interfered I would be arrested and came close a few times . I had no rights it appeared , now things are much different .

My wife now of 27 years was beaten by an ex boyfriend and still goes through nightmares about this . I'll never understand the beating thing , why not just beat oneself up or leave . I know it goes deeper than this but I'll never understand it . never .

[Prophet 451]

38. Difficult to talk about

My parents and step-dad, long and kinda boring story with a lot of other stuff mixed in there that I don't want to talk about.

I threatened my partner once. Didn't mean to. We've been together long enough that we know how to push each other's buttons. We were having a big fight over some bullshit thing or other (neither of us can remember what it was) and we were stood at the top of the stairs at the time and she pushed one of my buttons and I threatened to push her down the stairs. I'm not trying to excuse it, just trying to set the context.

The irony is that I used to teach self-defence to women, mainly college-age girls and I always used to make a big deal to them about using our skills responsibly but I lost it when I shouldn't have done. She nearly left me over that. I don't blame her. I'm a big guy, amateur boxer, amateur and semi-pro wrestler, self-defence instructor, I can do a lot of damage if I choose to.

Well, we patched things up. I never did do the therapy thing (I hate the idea of therapy, I didn't enjoy my life much the first time around) but it's not happened again. I don't think it will either. But it worries me sometimes. Are we destined to become our parents? My parents are ok now but back then, she was mentally unstable and he was a drunk and then she left him and married another one who was exactly the same. Is this how I'm going to end up?

[Ino]

40. Yes, starting at the honeymoon

Constant belittlement & undermining, turning into towering over me with fists clenched, grabbing my face while screaming at me, rushing at me to knock me down with his hands against my throat. But it wasn't abuse because he "didn't leave bruises."

[Marrah_G]

41. I'm trying to keep my daughter out of it now UP

She's gone from a responsible, respectful wonderful girl with lots of friends to an isolated 16 year old with no friends but him and cut off emotionally from her family. I can't prove abuse, but there is a history of bi-polar, anger management classes and today I found out he has 2 counts (one pending) of assault with a weapon.

Tommorrow she goes to live with her father and her stay at home step mom for the summer and I got a restaining order on him today. Hopefully I can spare her the hell you went through.

I kow what you are saying about abusive relationships. Women always think they are to strong to get caught up in it, but it always seems to start so slow (i had friends just like you)and its like they are hooked into it before they realize what is happening.

I'm so glad you got out of it.

Really, really big :hug: and a pat on the back for being strong enough to get out.

[uppityperson]

44. Thanks and good luck, restraining orders are a good start

With his history, I'd be alarmed. Best to her and you.

[Jed Dilligan]

42. Never been in a violent couple or family

but I've lived with several as an adult, and saw a lot of spousal and child abuse in my extended family growing up. Where does that put me in the poll? Not sure.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

43. Lots of emotional and verbal abuse.

The folks never told me to stand up for myself, since they were busy telling me I was wrong and keeping me locked up in the house, like I wasn't supposed to have any friends my own age. If I wanted to be like the other kids, that was bad. Then I came home crying because they all picked on me for wearing funny hand down clothes. And having Shirley Temple permanents my mom gave me.

Got to college, went with a lot of hypercritical boyfriends(control freaks) who griped about everything. First husband was a horny little college kid who only slept with seven of my girlfriends. He said things like "I've never dated any girl this attractive" (referring to one of the girlfriends when we were married). He just couldn't understand why I was so upset about his screwing around. That only lasted a year and a half total. His parents hated me because I wasn't Jewish. I wasn't Christian either, but they didn't understand that.


Second time: Married a jerk who was a nice guy on the surface; he nagged me into a physical collapse that lasted several years. I had pneumonia on and off for several years and had to get my lungs washed out so I wouldn't die four times in five years. Never said he loved me, never gave me any emotional support; avoided sex, avoided taking baths so he'd smell like cutting oil and be sticky. Thinks he's an expert on everything, including women and children. I think he hates women and anyone who is not just like him.

He raised hell during the divorce which took two and a half years; sued my parents in the divorce and tried to get my father's law license yanked when he was nearly 70 years old; got custody of the beautiful, healthy, darling kid he didn't want me to have; made me pay child support when I couldn't get a job, for years till she graduated high school a few years ago. Told the babysitter that he had to "destroy me and my parents". Told her that he "either had to destroy me or destroy our daughter, and he was gonna destroy me because I was a grown up."

Destroyed my parents' college fund they set up for our kid, by suing my parents, so they had to use that money to fight him. He was warned he could jeopardize his child's college education by going after my parents, but it was more important to go after a couple of old people.

Wouldn't pay the mortgage on the house, although both our names were on it. He said that was "my problem". We foreclosed on the house in an attempt to get his name off the title. Didn't work. We had to put it in as part of the final decree.

Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I am convinced he was a gold digger who pushed me to file for divorce so I would look like the bad guy. He told me I had to "earn his respect". Then he bitched about how the marriage was a failure. During his deposition, he was shown a check he had signed to put a deposit down on an apartment, before I filed for divorce and collapsed physically at the same time. He had no idea how that check appeared.

My lawyer estimated that he spent at least $40K in legal fees going after me and my parents, just out of meanness.

We never said a single unkind word to him, and my mom even bought him a brand new $20,000 Ford van.

I wonder what he would have done if we had been mean to him? He almost killed me and my parents from stress. At the same time I was going thru the divorce, my sister had a CAT scan for her sinus trouble. She died 14 months later from brain cancer at age 42. Life was hell for several years there. My parents weren't sure that either my sister or I would live, and her death destroyed us.

Some people just don't understand nice. He makes up his own fantasy world and lives in it.

[Az]

46. I have intervened on a number of occaisions.

Not sure if thats what your poll was asking though.

[SmokingJacket]

47. No, I've never been with a violent man.

My father is also gentle (he, on the other hand, was regularly beaten. I admire his ability to stop the cycle right there). It's really hard for me to even imagine someone wanting to hurt me -- I'm incredibly lucky and I know it.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

48. So Sorry To Hear You Went Through This U.P. I Can Only Hope You Never Have To Again.

:hug:

[uppityperson]

49. 19% vote no. Thank you all for sharing and voting. Amazing numbers.

[uppityperson]

52. Thank you everyone, kick for the morning crew to see if anyone else want to vote

[Mandate My Ass]

53. Careful with this topic. I was accused of being a co-abuser of my child

by a DUer when I admitted I remained in an abusive relationship until I was sure I could get away clean. He also predicted, repeatedly, that my son would grow up to be an abuser too although he was only a toddler when I left and he never saw any of the abuse.

Hugs to you and all the others here who went through such an awful, soul-crushing experience.

[uppityperson]

59. That person sounds like a critical jerk with a lot of assumptions.

Best to you and to all. DV is not a new thing, and even now is not talked about much.

[ourbluenation]

54. it takes the average victim 8 times to leave his/her batterer for good.

just an fyi

[originalpckelly]

55. Oh dear, this is just a heartbreaking thread.

I don't know what to say other than that.

:grouphug:

[MountainLaurel]

56. In high school

An old friend of mine was being abused by her much-older boyfriend. The first time I met him, I got the creeps. I started worrying when she told us he had burned all of her middle school notes from her best friend. Then, she got pregnant and the abuse ramped up 100-fold. For three years, I came to school wondering when he was going to make good on his threats to kill her. She tried to get help: Her local police officers told a 16-yo with bruises in the shape of handprints around her throat that she "had made her bed, and now had to lie in it," referring to her out-of-wedlock child. It wasn't until her senior year that it ended when he tried to run over her mother with a car. A deal was made: Attempted murder charges would be dropped if he never contacted her again and signed over all custody of their daughter to my friend.

And, of course, I knew a lot of people whose parents' idea of discipline was to beat them bloody, including my brother's best friend. His father got his due, though, when his girlfriend's daughter murdered them both because he had raped her while her mother watched.

Later on, I volunteered in a family homeless shelter, where many of the residents were women fleeing abusive partners, including one girl of about 16 with a burn mark in the shape of an iron on her face.

[DearAbby]

57. Been there done that.

I would go to work to get away from him. Restraining orders were a joke back then. All he had to do was tell the cops "we were trying to get back together" They would let him go.

I actually woke up one morning staring down a barrel of a 44 mag. Tell me that wouldn't scare the shit out of you. They keep you isolated for a reason. It took me years to get away from him. He threatened me, ...if I ever left, I would never know when coming out of a door of somewhere, he could be waiting "to bust a cap" on me. Raging drunk. I was afraid and ashamed. So I kept quiet.

I squirreled away some money, finally had enough to leave. And I beat feet away from him, filed for divorce (which he never showed up to court, to my relief) I asked for nothing from him, no money, no support, I just wanted out. with nothing that would keep him tied to me.

that was ten years ago.

[rucky]

58. No, but...

My wife was severely abused in her first marriage, and she and I get to enjoy the after-effects together. If I ever saw that asshole on the street, I honestly don't know what I'd do.