|
If you have ever thought about this, my heart is with you. A month ago, I, too, was contemplating this very thing myself. Of course, I told my doctors that, oh, no, I wasn't suicidal at all; wink, wink, nod, nod. I didn't want them to think that I could be seriously thinking about it, and that they might decide to lock me up someplace "for my own safety." If anything, I was smart enough to defy anyone who might have believed I was lying when I said I wasn't, as I was actively counting in my head how many pills it might take to actually do the deed, rather than have me end up as a catatonic or comatose patient instead. If I had anyone fooled, it was probably only myself, trying to rationalize reasons why I should, and why I shouldn't do it.
Four years ago, I lost my best friend to a disease known as pulmonary hypertension. This illness requires that you live with an oxygen mask for the rest of your life, are unable to do a whole lot other than sit and vegetate, and eventually suffer from congestive heart failure and die. She lived with this illness for seven long years, each year it got more and more difficult for her to do anything to help herself. The only joy she had was on Saturdays when she was able to take her scooter out, go shopping and go to church, taking the van for the handicapped to the mall. She met a friend for lunch, bought a few things, and eventually went home exhausted, but happy. She had depression--who with a chronic illness, and especially a terminal one, doesn't? But she had enough to look forward to each week to keep her life meaningful.
More recently, my SIL, who is 6 months younger than me, was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. She underwent both chemotherapy and radiation therapy, had most of her colon and rectum removed, ended up with a colostomy, and went from about 115 lbs down to 85. After that, she finally managed to regain the weight, but recent tests in the past month found that she was not cancer-free. The cancer had gone into her lymph nodes, and there was a chance it had gone beyond it. My SIL was always the good one. While I used to regard anything made from chocolate as a major food group, she ate correctly, walked every day and exercised. She pretty much took good care of herself, and yet, here she is, a chance that she might die before me.
Even more recent, an old acquaintance of mine, who I knew a lot better over 25 years ago, was diagnosed with cancer as well. Supposedly, she had leukemia, but I think there was more to it than that. Through a mutual acquaintance, I just learned that she was in ICU since Sunday, and an emergency surgery was performed to remove her colon and her bowels. Evidently, she made it through the first surgery, but they were going to have to do a second surgery to close her stomach, but with as much weakness as she has and a low blood cell count, they aren't sure she is going to make it. She is completely out of it, with no ability to know that anyone is visiting her or asking about her at all. She would be about 61 this year.
I've been thinking about this for most of the evening since I found out the latest. And while I am very sad about her, I think something clicked inside of me instead.
I've been feeling a lot of self-pity for myself because my own illnesses have led me to have tremendous fatigue, difficulty walking and depression. (Hence my thoughts of suicide a month ago) But the fact is, I'm not dying. There is no feeling of impending doom, just continued frustration at dealing with some shit, and trying to muddle through. I have no issue that will kill me right away, and while somewhere down the line that might eventually happen, now is not that time.
So why I was so unhappy with my life that I even entertained thoughts about killing myself? Perhaps the answer is that I thought I had lost control of who I was--who I am, and who I will be. Perhaps, as with so many of us at any given time, we find the world around us so filled with unending horror, hardship, misery and terror that we feel if we can't control our own destiny, we are irrevocably lost.
The truth though, is that we can control our destiny. We can make the decision to live, and not die. We can make the decision to fend off the demons of our own souls and defy them--for now. We have something going for us that many do not--we have our brains. We have intelligence. We have self-awareness.
We're all mortal. We know that, and even if we believe in the big guy "upstairs" we know that our time here is finite. and even if there is a great beyond after our earthly demise, we know that our existence here, in this body, this life, is gone forever. Even if we believe in reincarnation, we are still giving up the selves that we know in the present. In the old days, people used to live believing that their children and their posterity were their way of gaining a little immortality. Some wrote, some created and some made marvelous discoveries, believing that they would be immortalized with their work. Yeah, that happened too, and it is still one of the best ways to have a little bit of immortality. Children, too, might work for some, but with the world we're likely to leave for our own posterity, there is little guarantee that our great-great-grand children will ever be born or live to see it.
And so, we make decisions. Sometimes they're rotten ones, and sometimes, for some people, those decisions were the right ones. Let's face it: I firmly believe in deciding when I should let it all go. But I also believe now that I have greater control than I thought. I still have my brain. I still have my hands. I still have some abilities which make up for others that are flagging. And after knowing that I have a choice, I know that there is still a measure of control there that I have not lost. I've seen many people with whom I have shared a great deal and others with whom I have shared some memories dealing with situations which are far graver than my own. And while I live with depression every day, I also have not gotten to the point where I am in such despair that checking out is yet as great an option as I thought it could be.
If there is any doubt with any of you, I keep thinking now of something else: I want to stay alive at least until the morning of November 5, 2008, to see a Democrat's name as the winner of the general election. I want to live to see the major players of the current administration locked up in jail cells, filling for appeals for the next twenty years. I want to see an end to and justice attained for all the shit, corruption and collusion that has been our government for the past 6 years. If I can manage to live until these things have been gained, then it will have all been worth living for.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
