Dear Abby: A letter printed in your column this morning actually choked me up a little.

[tjwash]

And I don't choke up very easy you know...

MOTHER LEARNS LATE IN LIFE TO ACCEPT GAY SON AS HE IS

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I raised our two sons and two daughters. One son and both daughters married well. Our other son, "Neil," is gay. He and his partner, "Ron," have been together 15 years, but Neil's father and I never wanted to know Ron because we disapproved of their lifestyle.

When I was 74, my husband died, leaving me in ill health and nearly penniless. No longer able to live alone, I asked my married son and two daughters if I could "visit" each of them for four months a year. (I didn't want to burden any one family, and thought living out of a suitcase would be best for everyone.) All three turned me down. Feeling unwanted, I wanted to die.

When Neil and Ron heard what had happened, they invited me to move across country and live with them. They welcomed me into their home, and even removed a wall between two rooms so I'd have a bedroom with a private bath and sitting room -- although we spend most of our time together.

They also include me in many of their plans. Since I moved in with them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life and seen places I only read about in books. They never mention the fact that they are supporting me, or that I ignored them in the past.

When old friends ask how it feels living with my gay son, I tell them I hope they're lucky enough to have one who will take them in one day. Please continue urging your readers to accept their children as they are. My only regret is that I wasted 15 years. -- GRATEFUL MOM

Abby's response

[wicket]

1. The son she rejected earlier in life was the only one of her children who would take her in

I'm pretty choked up myself. Thanks for sharing. :hug:

K & R

[DangerDave921]

2. awww

That's a great letter. I know older people have a harder time with adjusting to the more modern social code, but at least she came around before it was too late. Good for her. And hooray for her son who chose to be the bigger person rather than hold a grudge. That shows true character. And shame on her other children. Ungrateful kids are a terrible thing!

[indie_voter]

11. Well said.

Her son and his husband are wonderful people for doing the right thing. Her other children are ungrateful twits.

[roody]

34. They probably learned it from their parents.

[AZBlue]

46. Totally agree with everything you said!

And welcome to DU! :hi:

[Midlodemocrat]

3. Wow. That's a beautiful story. Thank you for posting that.

Those other three should rot in Hell for turning their backs on her.

[grace0418]

16. I agree it's a great story. But as for the sibs, there may be another side to the story.

They sound cruel and perhaps they are. But I know my mother makes declarations like that all the time that simply aren't true. She'll request something that we can't give her ("I made a hair appointment tomorrow at 2:00") and when we offer alternatives that we *are* able to provide ("Mom, I can't leave work early tomorrow. I can arrange for the driver from the senior center to get you there, though."), she pouts and refuses. Then we hear through the grapevine about how awful we are that we wouldn't help out our own mother.

My mother was abusive when we were kids and is still extremely manipulative and childish. But we still do what we can to help her. However, none of us will allow her to live with us (there are eleven kids) because we know what a terrible living situation that would be. We pitch in for an apartment, food, transportation, living expenses. We drive her places, take care of her bills, take her to the doctor, visit her, try to set her up with senior activities (most of which she refuses), get her exercise, therapy, massage, etc. Yet she still complains. I'm sure there are a few people out there who have heard my mom talking and thought her kids should rot in hell too.

Anyway, maybe this story is exactly how she tells it. And I certainly admire her for admitting she was wrong about her gay son. But if she and her husband could treat him the way they did for 15 years, maybe her relationship with her other children isn't so rosy either. And maybe it's her fault.

[Gormy Cuss]

20. It is possible, as you wrote, that the other children have their reasons.

Still, the lesson of lifetime was handed to her by the son who she had rejected in the most resounding way.

[grace0418]

26. I agree, her son is an absolute saint. No one would blame him for leaving

his mother out in the cold considering the way she treated him, but he stepped up. That's more than I could do, I fully admit that.

I guess I just wanted to point out that while the gay son is extraordinarily kind, the other siblings may not be the ogres they seem.

[rhiannon55]

4. Awww! What a sweet story!

Thanks for bringing it to our attention.

[Dr.Phool]

5. Ain't that a fact.

Probably 30% of the people my wife works with, in social services, are gay or lesbian. They're some of the kindest most devoted people I've ever met. I'm proud to call them all friends.

[yodermon]

8. Personally i think that number (30%)

is far closer to the real percentage in the population as a whole.
Of course I have no evidence for this whatsoever, but it seems the closet is awfully crowded these days.

[jgraz]

19. Let's see... you take the traditional 10%, add 26% for the hard-core Republicans

Subtract out the 6% of Rethugs who just like to wear diapers, and...yeah, I'd say you've got it about right.

[shrike]

15. Probably because they've known heartache and rejection themselves

It can either make or break you. Or turn you into a beautiful person.

[grace0418]

17. And conversely, some of the closeted people I know are the most miserable, mean

selfish jerks ever. Part of me wants to shake them and say "COME OUT! You'll be so much happier!"

[Exultant Democracy]

23. 30% may be a low number , at least 3/4th of the men who I work with in social services

and related non-profits are gay.

[Dr.Phool]

29. I was probably low-balling the estimate.

We go to all the parties, and the thing is, nobody gives a shit if someone is gay or straight. We all just have a good time.

[Frustratedlady]

6. What a touching story.

[NMMNG]

7. Beautiful letter. Excellent response.

Now people just need to get that it's a life, not a "lifestyle".

[TransitJohn]

9. You just made me mist up a little bit

by posting that. Thanks.

[Botany]

10. Real Family Values =

Sitting in the living room and being there for each other.

[tandot]

12. This is wonderful. I am glad that she is sharing her experience and

hope she changes a lot of minds with it.

[Bitwit1234]

13. I wasn't choked up....I cried ..

I'm 75 years old. When I was in my 60's I had bad luck. My unmarried son who is not gay helped me and I live with him now. I am very lucky. I have social security but you all know that social security doesn't cover all the bills. My other son. He said he was sorry he couldn't help...I know what it means to have a son that cares.

[churchofreality]

14. Great story, thanks for that!

[Minimus]

18. It gave me goose bumps.

[Exultant Democracy]

21. Good for her son, but what kind of woman is she. Even Darth Cheney accepts his

own gay family members, and not just because he was about to be put out on the street.

[The Count]

24. THAT "acceptance" must have been carefully weighted by strategerists...

I don't believe anything coming out of that source...
As for that mother - here's a redemption story if I ever saw one!

[China_cat]

25. Sounds like she was just supporting her husband

without ever thinking about the consequences.

[Exultant Democracy]

35. He was her son. I'm glad that he can forgive her and be at peace with it,

but even Jeffrey Dahmer's father treated his monster son with more compassion then this woman treated that poor son of hers.

[China_cat]

36. I agree that she treated him abominally.

But I have to wonder if that wasn't at least partly in order to protect herself and would have been more accepting if she hadn't felt in danger herself. Because that's a turnaround you don't usually see in people very entrenched in their own bigotry and it only took place after the husband was dead.

[tjwash]

27. The other three seem to be chips off of the ol' "I-ME-MY-MINE" block.

Then you have this one, that seems to be the opposite in every way to that.

[closeupready]

49. Thank you. My thoughts exactly. Now that her son has made it despite her lack of support,

and she needs him, she "loves" him.

If, on the other hand, she didn't need him, would she have remained estranged? Probably, I think. Further, though she has few things to pass on, who does she plan to leave things to?

[Exultant Democracy]

51. My mother spent 10 years estranged from her parents after she married my father

it is ancient history now, but is isn't something that you tend to forget about.

[closeupready]

53. My maternal grandmother was disowned for marrying the "wrong" ethnicity.

I certainly don't miss not having known such people, but that speaks poorly about the "superior" ethnicity, doesn't it?

[The Count]

22. Right out of King Lear - powerful story!

[hvn_nbr_2]

38. But with a happier ending.

I was about to post "King Lear with a happy ending" but saw your post first.

[sinkingfeeling]

28. It takes some people their entire life to see the light!

[Iris]

30. a straight son is a son until he takes a wife, but a gay son is your son for all of his life

even when you reject him.

This is a lovely story and speaks volumes about the value of family to these two men.

These were the best lines to me:

"so I'd have a bedroom with a private bath and sitting room -- although we spend most of our time together."

"Since I moved in with them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life and seen places I only read about in books."

[Toasterlad]

31. Those Two Are Better 'mos Than I'll Ever Be

I would never have spoken to her again after she refused to acknowlege my husband. Thankfully, both my parents are very supportive.

[PA Democrat]

32. That mom is extremely fortunate to have such a generous and forgiving son.

I hope that her letter has the impact of changing some hateful hearts.

[Lugnut]

47. That's my hope

As I read that letter in the paper I was hoping some readers, including my sister-in-law, would see themselves and get a clue.

[Catherine Vincent]

33. What a great story.

It's hard to believe the three turned her down. Is this not their mother? Geeze.

[connecticut yankee]

50. There are two sides to every story

and you don't know the other.

Maybe she's a very demanding, unreasonable, difficult person to live with -- this seems quite possible, considering the way she treated her gay son.

Maybe the other three just don't have room in their homes for her.

My husband and I have several gay friends in our crowd. We all party together, go on trips or to the theater, etc. No one cares, no one talks about it -- we just accept each other and have a lot of fun. The gay people I've known are some of the warmest, cleverest, wittiest, most creative and talented I've ever met, and they've added a great deal to my life.

I'm glad this woman was able to reconcile with her son while she still could.

[tblue37]

37. The married children their

callous behavior from their parents, who taught them by their own actions that it was perfectly acceptable to cut off family members for selfish reasons.

[havocmom]

45. Yep.

And the son and his partner who were abandoned were bigger than all of them.

[Solly Mack]

39. ...

...

Good story

[Control-Z]

40. Oh, wow. n/t

[eridani]

41. LGBT people have most likely done that throughout human history

Don't know if this will change now that more are raising kids, but it's possible that the other siblings are financially stress because of their kids. Having a few LGBT and other non-childbearing people in society helps spread the care tasks around among more adults.

[Exultant Democracy]

52. There are many advantaged to have a population of otherwise healthy non-breeders,

, as a species we should consider ourselves better off for it.

[2Design]

42. I liked that too n/t

[Cha]

43. Why am I blubbering

like a baby? :cry: Because this is how life is..and some of us have to learn the hard way but it's better than not learning at all!

[timtom]

44. Sounds like the plot of "King Lear"

one of Shakespeare's greatest.

God bless them all for what they have truly discovered about each other and for the compassion shown.

[jelly]

48. Choked me up, too.

Thanks for sharing.