I'm going to the shopping mall today and I'm terrified.

[Cyrano]

I can't decide whether or not to wear body armor. The thought wouldn't even have occurred to me if presidential spokesman Tony Snow hadn't warned us about malls and Michael Chertoff hadn't told us about his gut feeling. Thank God for people like these who have devoted their lives to protecting us.

Anyhow, this body armor thing is a tough decision. On the one hand, I might die of heat stroke. On the other hand, lurking terrorists may be near the food court, or Sears mens dept.

What to do? What to do? I just can't understand how they followed us here. After all, we're still there. These evil doers hate us for our jeans and sneakers.

I wish I knew what to do. I'd call my congressman and ask, but it's Saturday and I get the feeling he won't be in his office. (It's kind of like what Woody Allen said: "Not only is there no God, try finding a plumber on the weekend.")

[Horse with no Name]

1. Make it portable

Just take a roll of duct tape, that should suffice for a small outing.:)

[Cyrano]

2. Can't. I used up all my duct tape on my windows.

[jody]

3. UK teachers and parents want body armour.

UK teachers want body armour to search pupils for weapons

UK “Parents buying body armour for children after teen murders”

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

4. If you're afraid to shop, then the terrists have won

Shop in confidence.

Malls have hired well-trained and competent security forces, ready to deal with terrists at a moment's notice. Mall ninjas.

To shop or not to shop? What would McCain do? Shop!

:rofl:

[Cyrano]

5. Thank you for your inspiring words.

But maybe I'll just get under the bed and stay there. After all, you can't expect us all to have the unmatched courage of our glorious leader and vice leader.

[slj0101]

6. I'd crawl under my bed,

but it's packed full of canned tuna.

[marions ghost]

7. The terrists at the mall

are local American citizens waiting to jump you in the parking lot for a few bucks. That's a more reality-based fear. But now we've also got to worry about Al Quaeda at the mall, so we'll be driving up in Hummers with our AK47's to buy a lampshade at Target.

This will be the end of over-consumption of Chinese chatchkas.

[0007]

8. The terrorist have figured out how to get us, they're waiting

at the toilet paper department, where you'll show up sooner or later.

Follow Barbara Bush household tip of the day. Use corn Cobs.

[pinniped]

10. Or....you can use a long wooden brush and scrub like the Romans did.

.

[Retired AF Dem]

23. Thank god I use the three

shells. :)

[0007]

27. Sea shells, shot gun shells? 155mm for the big ones, 'eh?

[Retired AF Dem]

30. I cant remember the name of the movie

Stallone, Snipes, in the future instead of toliet paper they use three sea shells.

[pinniped]

9. You need to procure a gas mask and wear it out there along with your vest..

You'll be laughed at, but in the end it's all worth it.

[JTFrog]

11. Well the shopping malls

should be perfectly safe. After all, that's where all good Americans are supposed to be dontcha know.

[Cyrano]

14. But, but, I've shopped like a good American. Now I'm being told

to be afraid to shop. Oh, God. I think I'm going to have a breakdown. I need my Fox News right now. Yes, that will help. I'll turn on my tube and watch Fox. Then everything will be all right. Won't it?

[HereSince1628]

12. What to do? Pack yer wand, and be ready with yer Patronus!!!

Pay attention to yer gut feeling, but especially any aching scars!

Maybe those Harry Potter books really ARE training manuals!

:rofl:

[jimshoes]

13. And don't forget your

kevlar helmet. While looking seriously tacky and cheesy in photo ops they are quite useful should the terrists whack you over the head with a hardened French Bread.

[radfringe]

15. I'd stay away from all malls and other shopping areas

other than to stock up on canned goods, plastic sheeting, duct tape

or if there's a sale on rugs... I hear a few of our Senators have gotten bought some nice rugs at a good price

on a more serious note - I think every time a terror alert/warning/booga-booga is issued we should only venture out of our homes only if absolutely necessary - after all if there's a terrorist around every corner even buying a gallon of milk is risky

[firefox_fan]

16. Oh, get some Prozac, you'll feel better.

[Cyrano]

17. How can I be sure that the terrorists or Chinese haven't poisoned it?

[liberal N proud]

18. It is only a gut feeling at this point

Although the media is promoting terror 24/7 at this point, Chertoff only has a gut feeling about this.
When he gets the willies, then we need to take cover according to the Chertoff warning system by RedEarth




Original at: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1326446

[Chipper Chat]

19. Here's an idea:

Women all wear burkas. Men tape on fake facial hair. The trrists might think it is a Muslim Mall and leave you alone. Buy your quarter pounder and Gucci handbag and leave the fear at home.

[rucky]

20. My "gut" tells me...

stay away from the food court.

[Cyrano]

21. I'm back. The mall was deserted.

Everyone must have heeded the warning and I was the only one stupid enough to risk going.

Oh sure, there was a sign that said they didn't open until 10:30, but at least I wasn't stupid enough to fall for it. I'm sure that's a trick right out of the terrorist's play book -- the one intended to get everone there at the same time.

Anyhow, I'm safe and sound and I have no intention of ever going back there again. From now on, I'll be knitting my own jockey shorts and carving my sneakers out of old tires.

[Berry Cool]

22. Lucky you.

I heard that Claire's Boutique is stuffed full of IEDs.

[rucky]

28. You're a brave man, Jack Bauer. n/t

[babylonsister]

24. Rec'd for fear; it's the new emotion-embrace it! nt

[Retired AF Dem]

25. Next time you go to the mall

call ahead to be escorted by a "Mall Ninja" You will be completely safe. :)

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

[Cyrano]

26. Mall Ninja? Come on. I can recognize a terrorist front group when I see one.

They probably kidnap people, video tape them cringing in terror, and then mock them with cries of "Please don't kill me." -- Oh, wait. Didn't George W. Bush mock Karla Faye Tucker that way?

[StarryNite]

29. Don't go!

It's too risky. If you must shop, go to Baghdad and shop where it's safe.

[kevinbgoode]

31. I'm sure they'll only concentrate on hitting the outlet malls. . .

Retailers can't afford much of a sales loss hit at this point.

[Cyrano]

32. Never underestimate the greed of the "Have mores."

Back in 2000, Bush "joked" that he was there to represent the "haves" and the "have mores." My guess is that there has been shrinkage over the past six and a half years and all that's left are the "have mores."

More specifically, energy companies, pharmaceutical manufacturers and weapons makers really don't have that much need for malls.