What I’d Say to the Martians

[IChing]

What I’d Say to the Martians
by Jack Handey

August 8, 2005

People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, would tear you guys a new Martian asshole. You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. “Mmm, that’s good Martian,” I would say


You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more “civilized” one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you? You criticize our Earth religions, saying they have no relevance to the way we actually live. But think about this: if I could get my hands on that god of yours, I would grab his skinny neck and choke him until his big green head exploded.


We are a warlike species, you claim, and you show me films of Earth battles to prove it. But I have seen all the films about twenty times. Get some new films, or, so help me, if I ever get out of here I will empty my laser pistol into everyone I see, even pets.
Speaking of films, I could show you some films, films that portray a different, gentler side of Earth. And while you’re watching the films I’d sort of slip away, because guess what: the projector is actually a thing that shoots out spinning blades! And you fell for it! Well, maybe not now you wouldn’t.


You point to your long tradition of living peacefully with Earth. But you know what I point to? Your stupid heads.
You say there is much your civilization could teach ours. But perhaps there is something that I could teach you—namely, how to scream like a parrot when I put your big Martian head in a vise.


You claim there are other intelligent beings in the galaxy besides earthlings and Martians. Good, then we can attack them together. And after we’re through attacking them we’ll attack you.

I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. But you have treated me like an intruder. Maybe it is not me who is the intruder but you.

No, not me. You, stupid.>>>>>snip


http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2005/08/08/050808sh_shouts

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What can I say?................Well, no wonder they don't want to make CONTACT!

[EFerrari]

1. Our species is enough to make anyone OCD.

lol

/oops

[IChing]

2. This is the same guy that did "Deep Thoughts" on SNL

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey

[EFerrari]

3. He was great.

:)

[MatrixEscape]

4. By tradition,

Mars is supposed to be the God and planet of war! Angry and red, it seems.

I would tell them:

"Behold! We show you our Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld! We are imperialistic warriors with no mercy or compassion for our chosen enemies or their people! We gladly and quickly exterminate their civilian men, women, children, and babies without any delay, concern, or remorse, (Nationally or individually!) We exploit and destroy societies and cultures if they do not advance our own agenda! We put a huge amount of our Nation's wealth, energy, and resources into our conquest of power and our people fully support our efforts by being patriotic enough not to do anything to interfere with the endless conquest we intend!

"Your aggressive and superior pride might delight in our use of depleted uranium. We will leave suffering, birth defects, and untold cancers in our wake, even if we choose to leave the territory by lack of profit or any unmanageable public opinion forces our withdrawal. We are legion!

"You can see, oh Great War Gods of Mars, that we are ready to join you as planetary masters of war and unflinching conquerers who are immune do the primitive and archaic weaknesses of altruism, compassion, morals, or even real diplomacy. We have fully learned our lessons when it it comes to defining and vanquishing any enemy, even our own people, if necessary!

"We now supplicate ourselves before your mastery of war and, on behalf of the endless pawns we have taken under our tutelage, we can tell you that they all will loudly chant with utmost conviction, "It is a good day to die!

"We, the Enthroned Elite, stand before you with a hand outstretched in offer of a growing, military brotherhood and we promise that our alliance will be one of peace between our planets and without any conflict!"

Author's note: I see crossed fingers behind some backs during the speech! Uh-oh! IPW1 is in already in the works it seems, (Interplanetary War 1). Screw unto others before they screw unto you!

[IChing]

5. We are becoming Heilien's Stranger in a strange land

I've never understood how God could expect His creatures to pick the one true religion by faith-—it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe."
- Robert Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

[Mythsaje]

6. I heartily agree with that assessment. n/t