A New Democratic Candidate!

[Mythsaje]

OP: Crater Lake, OR

As of late Tuesday evening, a new Democatic candidate for the Presidential nomination has tossed his hat into the ring.

Rabid Squirrel, a virtual unknown from a rustic part of Oregon, says that he will make himself virtually indistinguishable from the Republicans but for a few minor details. "As should be obvious," he says, flicking his tail with annoyance, "I am NOT George W. Bush. What's more, I have a 'D' after my name. He has an 'R' after his name. That's what makes me a Democrat and a perfect representative of progressive values.

"I believe in a strong defense and I know that countries such as Iraq and Iran and Syria and Pakistan are serious threats to our ascendency as the world's last superpower. Since we all know that the best defense is a strong offense, I plan on keeping EVERYTHING on the table, including but not limited to nuclear strikes against anyone who even wags a finger at us. Being immune to their blandishments is what makes America great."

He spent a couple of minutes trying to crack an acorn with a rock before continuing. "We also don't need any kind of socialized healthcare in our country. To get rid of the insurance companies and HMOs would put entirely too many people out of work and we just can't have that, can we? Maybe we could give tax breaks to help people pay their medical bills, or even set up a healthcare savings plan.

"We don't need some radical populist mucking up the works. Our economy depends on the goodwill of such global conglomerates as the oil and agribusiness industries. Any move toward populism will disrupt their business and ensure their future animosity. That would be bad for this country. It's very important that we look toward keeping our corporations happy before we look to the health of the average citizen.

"Nearly 14% of New Hampshire voters want to see John Edwards in the White House? What are these people THINKING? The guy's a loose cannon. He'll muck up everything and rock the boat so hard it'll tip the boat over.

"We need to maintain the status quo. The status quo is what keeps America great. Sure, there are some people who are suffering in poverty, but, well, they can always go into debt for the rest of their lives to pay for a student loan to improve their lot. That's the way it's always been and the way it should always be."


After finishing this interview, this reporter returned to the news room and did an informal poll of the liberal journalists on hand. 7 out of 10 of those still in the news room at that late hour say they support what Rabid Squirrel has to say. That tells us that 70% of Democrats will vote for Rabid Squirrel over any other candidate.

It'll be good to be back in power.



(In case it isn't obvious, this "article" is satire).

[Initech]

1. Satire or not, I'd take a rabid squirrel over 95% of the candidates that *ARE* running!

:rofl:

[classof56]

2. I think I encountered Rabid Squirrel on my last visit to Crater Lake!

He didn't share his ideas at the time but I noted he had lots or squirrel buddies hanging out with him, a positive sign. Glad to hear more about his politics and vision for the future. Great stuff and of course made even better because he's an Oregonian. A native, too, I'm guessing. Look forward to RS taking our country back!

Good job, Saje--BTW, I checked your blog and decided I've gotta buy your books!

Tired Old Cynic

[Mythsaje]

3. That's great!

I've never BEEN to Crater Lake, which is a bit ironic, since I grew up in Central Oregon. The closest I've been was about thirty miles from there, in a secluded campground that has a cliff face made of obsidion. It's close to the ice caves as well.

I've always wanted to go there and someday soon maybe I'll get the chance.