Need help, my niece is missing.

[demgurl]

I just found out my niece (16) has been missing for a couple of days. She left a note that she was running away. Her mom thinks she is staying at her boyfriend's grandmother's house but when the police went there they found no trace of her. Allegedly her mom overheard her planning the run away with her boyfriend but was waiting to catch her in the act!!!!!

She has not been answering her cell phone or returning messages from her mom. I just left a message asking her to babysit hoping she will return my call.

I feel so helpless sitting here trying to come up with ideas. Does anyone know if the cops can tell where a person is if they have their cell phone on? Is there any way to trace her through her cell phone? Can you suggest anything.....PLEASE?

I am going out right now so I will not be able to reply but please keep this kicked and I will check back in in about an 1 1/2 or so. Thanks for any help you can provide.

[helderheid]

1. K & R - I have no answers but let's keep this thread visible.

[slackmaster]

2. Cell phones can be roughly located if they are on

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can't imagine how frightened you must be.

[SeattleGirl]

3. I'm so sorry, demgurl.

I hope she will be found safe, or return on her own.

As to the cell-phone thing, I think they can get a location based on cell phone towers.

[SoCalDem]

4. Does the boyfriend have a job? Sooner or later he may have to go to work

It might get him in trouble there, but maybe call his boss?

[demgurl]

40. Not sure if he has a job but I .....

will follow up on this with my sister-in-law. Thanks for the idea. My niece took a part time job over the summer so I am also wondering if she will show up for her next shift.

[Hepburn]

5. K&R....

...because IMO it is an important post.

I have no advice for you...and I am so sorry this is going on with your niece. But maybe if we kick it to the Greatest Page, someone with a good idea on this will see this thread and respond.

Best of luck and hope she is safe and comes home real soon! :hug:

[Mz Pip]

6. Mom needs to contact the police

They would be the ones to answer those questions. Cell phone location can be traced but the police would decide if this situation warrants it.

Sending postive thoughts your way for your niece's safe return.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[demgurl]

41. They have placed a run away report with them.

I am just not sure they are doing everything possible with so much on their plate. It would be one thing if she was on My Space and it looked like someone had lured her away, but this actually seems well thought out. My sister-in-law "says" that she found out about my niece's plans to run away two weeks ago and she was waiting it out to catch her in the act. Seldom are my husband and I told the real truth behind things just like it took a couple of days for us to even find out she is missing. I am not sure about anyone else but I would never wait two whole weeks just to catch someone in the act. It feels like some details are being left out. Maybe I am wrong but to wait until the last minute and then miss your daughter's departure is careless at best.

Thank you for the kick.

[northernsoul]

7. no specific advice, but best wishes

to you and your family. Peace.

[sinkingfeeling]

8. Sorry about your situation. Do you think this 'running away' thing is because of the

boyfriend only?

[demgurl]

43. No, I do not.

I have predicted something like this for five years. Her mom ended up being involved with a man and "accidentally" (Her words - when you go to the beach fawning over babies and then look starry eyed into your boyfriend's eyes and say, with a wink, that you did not bring birth control, that is not accidental!) got pregnant. At that point my niece was about 11 and when the baby was born they put her on a schedule, with her brother, to look after him. Then they had two more babies. The parents never looked after them, the older kids were always on schedule to care for them. I told my husband that was way too much responsibility for a child and that eventually my niece would end up pregnant or running away just to try and get out of the situation at her house. There is more but I fully attribute that as a large percentage of why she ran away.

Right now my husband and I desperately want to find her and then we would like to offer her a place to stay. (If we can work it out with her parents) If she goes back home she will only do this again.

[leftynyc]

9. Have you (or her parents) been able to contact the

boyfriend? Or other friends of hers? Did the boyfriend's grandmother have any info? If her cell is on, I think they can triangulate her general area.

[demgurl]

45. My sister-in-law contacted the boyfriend, but....

he says he knows nothing. They also talked to a bunch of her old friends but since she has been dating this guy (over a year now) she has really not kept up with her friends. The Grandmother and others have an attitude that they just do not care. (what my sister-in-law told my husband) They have many relatives in the area and it would seem that none of them would bat an eye at helping a minor stay away from her parents. It is very frustrating.

School starts next week and she is such a smart girl. I hope she will at least show up then.

[The Doctor.]

65. If your sister-in-law is one of the 'bad guys', they'll all lie.

[demgurl]

79. Well she certainly has been permissable....

with her husband and how he treats the kids. When they first got married she had to get rid of her email because, " I have no secrets from my husband so we will share his email." When the older kids were old enough to have an email account they were required to share his email. He also appeared to keep her from us as much as possible. I think he is quite controlling and she let's him do it.

The kids did finally get their own email account and when my sister-in-law got a job she started sending out that email (secretly) if anyone wanted to contact just her!

[JDPriestly]

112. That does not sound good. Has the husband ever been violent?

How does he act when he is angry? I hate to be an alarmist, but step-fathers, especially very controlling ones can be big trouble for teenage step-daughters. Were there harsh words? Was there an argument? If she ran away in anger, you need to check shelters and the police in nearby cities.

[demgurl]

144. The family NEVER gives us a full story.....

in fact, I find it suspect when the mom says she knew for two weeks but was just wanting to catch her in the act. I can not help believe there is much more than meets the eye but people will not tell us. Partially, perhaps, because she is ashamed of what she has let him get away with. But I also think that our history of turning in another abusive family member makes us outcasts especially where abuse may be involved.

Has he been violent? I would not doubt it but that is opinion only. I do know he has served time but I do not know what for. Hard to find out things when it is a kid accidentally telling you information!

What I do know is that I do not think it was because of a single fight or war of words because she would have left right away, not planned it out for two weeks. Is that sound thinking? My mind is in such a muddle after 24 hours of sitting on my hands and not knowing where she is.

Her family is starting to distribute flyers with her picture on it. We have offered to do so in our area as well.

[Dan]

117. Radical thought

contact the boyfriend (he knows where she is) and advise him that if he hears from your niece, that you/hubby would like to take her in to live with you. That things can be worked out - and that the family is there for her. That if she is willing, to contact you - and that you/hubby will work out an agreement with her parents to become her legal guardians.

Like I said, a radical thought - but what it offers is an out of a bad situation.

[demgurl]

146. I wish I could.

And it is not that radical if I have thought of it. as far as I know the boyfriend does not have a cell phone and the Grandmother has her phone off and is not taking messages! My next step, I guess, is to try and figure out where he lives and go over leaving a note or talking to the Grandmother or her boyfriend.

I am sort of afraid she is buying into some sort of romantic notion of her relationship with him and perhaps, now, she wants to stay with him. But if she goes anywhere and gets caught then there is not much we can really do to help her. At that point it is us fighting her parents whereas if we get to her before they do it is us helping insure she is safe and giving her a place where everyone knows she is.

[shaniqua6392]

10. Leave her another message.........

telling her how much you all love her and want to help any way you can. Tell her she won't be in any trouble and that you can work it out. Ask her to at least call you and let you know she is alright even if she does not want to come home right now. Try to pull her back with love, acceptance, and no repercussions for running away. I think police can tell where a cell phone is located if it is on. They can trace the phone "pings" or something like that. But, take it from a former troubled teen.....Her mom and the rest of the family should keep calling her and leaving messages that will show her how much you love her and how much she means to all of you. Hopefully, this will work. It will be difficult to force her back to you. I will be praying for all of you. Keep us posted if we can be of further help here at DU. Blessings and peace.

[leftynyc]

39. That's wonderful advice

kudos from a fellow former troubled teen. Loving her is the way out of this.

[shaniqua6392]

61. Thanks so much...

I hope she will be alright.

[demgurl]

147. What a beautiful post.

It is a great idea but it also reinforces that I have been doing the right thing. I will keep calling and leaving the messages. I can not make a promise about the parents, though. I can see her stepfather threatening that she better come home or else.

I am worried because I, too, was a run away. I actually slept in an abandoned apartment building. It is tough and I do not know how I made it through school and graduated. I did eventually go back to my Mom's house but I want to stop my niece from going through anything like I did.

I just want her back safe and sound. I don't care about her running away unless it has to do with violence escalating with her stepfather. I know my mother never believed me any time I accused a man of anything (yes, there was more than one time) and I can see my niece accusing her stepfather and her mom believing him over her. That is enough to make anyone run away and I would want him to pay for something like that. It haunts me to this day how my mom never believed me.

Thanks for the direction and well wishes.

[soothsayer]

11. start spreading the word through emails and sites like

http://www.missingabducted.com/ plus your local news. Not sure about tracking someone through their cellphone, but you can certainly find out where they have been calling from (roughly)

[demgurl]

46. I am passing on this site to my sister-in-law.

THANK YOU so much for the information. This is exactly the sort of help I was looking for. You are a blessing.

[proud2BlibKansan]

12. Yes the cops can trace her through her cell phone

They just recently found a missing girl here by tracking her cell phone as her family tried to call her. So keep calling.

[demgurl]

47. Thank you for this confirmation. I have my husband .....

calling his sister and suggesting this.

[porphyrian]

13. Don't get yourself into any trouble trying to help out.

I don't know the specifics, but if the parents have already notified the police, you might want to let them handle it and just try to be there for the parents until she comes home. Now, if there's any reason to suspect that the girl is in immediate danger, such as if the boyfriend is abusive or something, then make sure the police are aware of this and things might move along faster. Otherwise, unless you want to do your own stakeout somewhere you think she may show up(which still could get you into legal trouble), there's probably not much you can do yourself. Come to think of it, ask the officer(s) in charge of the case how you can help out. They'll probably tell you there's nothing, but it never hurts to put another human voice out there to associate with the case.

[soothsayer]

31. or if she's depressed or suicidal---worth stepping it up for that

(but what teen isn't?)

[porphyrian]

34. Right, good point. (...and right again.) - n/t

[demgurl]

48. She could be in danger.....

I am not sure. It would seem her mom started spying on her emails and such because she was getting weird vibes from the boyfriend. She came to find out he is manic depressive and the rest of his family appears to be pretty off as well.

I can't help but want to try and track her down somehow because I do not think she will go home. Heck, I do not think it is a good environment for her to be in. While she is a minor and it is all up to her parents, I think I have a much better chance of getting in touch with her than anyone else does. I took her on a trip to New York last year and we really bonded quite a bit. I had her for two weeks and almost every night we had wonderful late night talks before we went to bed. I think, if she gets my message, she may think of me as a safe haven where all other relatives would no doubt try to return her right away. Her stepfather told me to stop emailing him over my emails about Abu Gharib and so she knows that her parents and I do not get along. She may think of me as possible shelter in a storm. One can at least hope, right? I am actually thinking of offering her boyfriend high dollar money just to have her meet me at some public restaurant somewhere. I think I can get to her.

[porphyrian]

83. Yeah, that sounds like a touchy situation.

Just be careful, especially because of the tensions with her parents - the law will favor them over you unless and until they are deemed incompetent in court, and that is a costly and time consuming process. So, if, say, you do find her, and she comes to live with you instead of the parents, you could get yourself in serious legal problems, maybe even charged with kidnapping or some such. Be careful. That's why I suggest talking to the officer(s) in charge - they may appreciate your input and suggest some way you can help. Another poster in this thread said something about calling everyone, and that sounded like a really good idea. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for the best. Keep us posted.

[demgurl]

152. We will be very careful..............

we will do everything we can to protect her while protecting ourselves. Except for the built in babysitter part, I am not even sure her stepfather wants her back. If the violence has escalated then there may be something to hold over the stepfather as a reason she should not be forced back or she may go to the police and press charges.

[porphyrian]

161. Good. Good luck, and keep us posted. - n/t

[AikidoSoul]

98. Technically you have no standing in the matter

unless you are deemed a legal guardian.

The posts so far have not mentioned whether this girl has been reported missing to the police by her parents. Without an official report there's no chance if getting a physical location on her position via the cell phone.

Sound like this girl had too much on her shoulders... and God knows what else is involved.

Sorry for your troubles and I do wish you much luck in helping matters resolve safely.

[demgurl]

154. She has been reported to the police but they seem to have.....

done nothing so far. OK, that is not fair. They, of course, went to the boyfriend's house and have done a few things but the point is she is reported as missing and they did so sooner than they normally would have since she left a note stating such.

[Xithras]

14. Tracing through the cell phone.

Police CAN trace a location by a cellphone signal, but they only do so in cases where a persons life may be in danger. Since the police generally give runaways very low priority, it's highly unlikely that they will help. If the cellphone is in your sisters name, she might have more luck contacting the cell phone company directly herself. Depending on the company and the type of phone, they may be able to give you her position quickly (it works better with some phones than others). If the phone is in the girls name, the cell phone company will probably refuse to do anything without a court order.

Even if they CAN give a location, it won't be exact. The best you can expect is a longitude and latitude range that will trace her to within a few blocks of her current location. That's great if you happen to know that a particular friend lives in that area, but isn't so good if you're not familiar with it at all.

For the moment, I wouldn't stress on it too much. If there wasn't any abuse in the home, she will probably come back on her own. According to one study, 77% of runaways return home within a week, and only 7% of runaways are gone more than a month...if there is no abuse involved. For most teen runaways, it's simply a way to assert their independence. Once the novelty wears off and the reality of supporting themselves sets in, nearly all runaways come back home.

[demgurl]

49. There was at least mental abuse....

in her home. I saw time and time again how her stepfather would yell at her, I mean really yell, for almost nothing. We felt he was so verbally abusive that we would not let our kids go over to their house for babysitting. I was honestly afraid for my children when that man (my niece's stepfather) was around them. And the comparison of how he treated his birth children versus his stepchildren was amazing. I would be astounded if there was not at least a small bit of physical abuse as well. And on top of that they always used her as a nanny rather than taking care of their own children themselves. My niece has been looking after her siblings for five years and that is a huge burden for a child. I don't think she is going back come hell or high water.

[Xithras]

77. That begs an important question.

If she is being mentally abused, and possibly physically abused, and she is being used as an unpaid nanny, do you really want her to go back home? Your best bet may be to intervene and find her a new third party home to live in safely for the next few years. A grandparent or an aunt maybe?

If the child is being abused in the home, I wouldn't advocate returning her there.

On edit: FWIW, my sister and my stepdad were like gas and a flame, constantly arguing with each other and never coming to terms with their differences. Since my mother was too weak to intervene on her own daughters behalf, my sister moved into my aunts home when she was 15. My mother and sister have a cordial relationship today, but it would have been a very different story if my mom had refused to let her move out.

[demgurl]

81. No, what my husband and I would like is for her to come to our house.

No, I do not think she should go home at all and we have the space for her. One other family has a history of abuse. Another section of the family does not really have room and most likely woudl hound her to go back to her house. The grandparents would most likely do the same. Most of the family is in denial about any abuse within the family. We are the only ones who would not just herd her back to her family. Of course the police coudl force us but perhaps we can work out something with her mom.

[uppityperson]

97. Let her know, via message, that she is welcome, you are non-judgemental, and

letting her know if she ever wants or needs to get hold of you she can any time, day or night, leaving numbers. I'd let her know you just want her to be safe and what you've written here about staying with you and not handing her back, at least just letting you know she's ok. Good luck and it sounds like a really difficult situation. Best wishes to you and her.

[demgurl]

145. uppity....

thanks for yopur warm words. I have left messages for her and have not heard back. At this point I am wondering if she has her phone or perhaps she is not checking messages because I am sure there have been mad ones left by her parents. I did tell leave a message stating that we do not think she should go back and we would like to work something out. I stopped short of saying we want her to stay here. I am not sure if her parents have access to her voice mail so I am trying to be careful what I might say where they may leave an angry message to her syaing she had better not.

These are people who have never really cared for us because we are the goody two shoes of the family. Two years ago we asked to take our niece on an all expense paid trip to Disney and we were told no and that she would miss school. We always felt that it was more that they if they could not afford to take her then no one would take her....especially us!

We will see how it works out. I also tried to leave a message for the Grandmother but she has her phone turned off and her voicemail says she is not accepting messages.

[Cetacea]

129. It may be a better alternative than psychosis.

She is at the prime age for developing severe mental illness, especially given the environmental factors. If she is with her boyfriends family than she is probably better off. Despite your good intentions, I doubt that she'd risk getting drawn back in with her abusive family by staying with you.
I know it's a tough call, but as other posters have pointed out you have little or no legal rights here. This could actually be the best thing that she could possibly do for herself at this particular time.

[Cetacea]

130. Also, you might want to contact Social Services or

a community mental health clinic or hot line. Everything would be confidential and they are in a better position to make a call.

[demgurl]

153. Well, I am not so sure his family is that great.

Here is what I just found out:

I know you've been keeping up with all the details about XXXXX, and how much has been done to try to get her back. Her BF XXX is very unstable. He was with his crazy, bipolar, not-on-medications Mom when she stabbed and killed her BF. XXX was the one who tried to staunch the blood and call 911. Then the very next week his grandfather, who raised him, died suddenly. XXX is very controlling and almost having a nervous breakdown, and pretty crazy himself with abuse from childhood, drinking behaviors, and aggression. She's not "safe" with him, esp. if he is hiding out with the crazy mother who has just gotten out of Butner. So I'm sharing these things with you. If you ever say a prayer now would be a good time.


I am sorry, but that does not sound safe to me. But both you and I did not know this information ten minutes ago so now I am doubly worried.

[bluescribbler]

149. If there was mental abuse

and possibly physical abuse as well, is it also possible that there was sexual abuse? That seems to be all too common with stepfathers and teenage girls. If so, it wouldn't be too difficult to get her safely out of that situation. A lawyer might be able to provide better guidance.

[demgurl]

155. I would not put it past him.

Yes, there could be sexual abuse. But at this point I am not sure if my judgment is not clouded by how gruff he has been with me in the past. He absolutely hated the emails I sent out about our government allowing torture. I copied and pasted statements from victims and he called me "sick"!!!!!!

I know I would not entrust any child, male or female, around him. I also know he is an ex-convict but I am not sure what he did to break the law - however, he has a wonderful Ebay business where he sells all sorts of wonderful electronic items he "finds at yard sales".

[AikidoSoul]

99. Well described Xithras N/T

[no_hypocrisy]

15. Does her cell phone have a GTM feature? If so, she can be tracked via satellite.

[BlooInBloo]

16. k&r

[pennylane100]

17. She can alsobe traced by creditcard purchases,

either hers or her boyfriends. If the police won't help you can check yourself if you know her password.

Goodluck.

[demgurl]

51. I'm not sure she, or her boyfriend, have a credit card.

They are rather young to have anything like that. But I appreciate any and all suggestions. Please keep them coming. At least it is better than just sitting her and wondering. These posts are keeping my mind occupied. Thank you.

[jberryhill]

18. Yes, the cellphone can be located

...whether she's kept it charged may be the question.

[bananas]

20. or she may have ditched it knowing it can be traced.

[Blackhatjack]

19. Find the boyfriend and you may find the girl....

or he may know something about her plans.

Does he know she is missing?

[demgurl]

53. Yes, the police visited his Grandmother's house.

He knows she is missing and I truly believe he knows where she is. I am thinking of getting his address and staking out his house tonight. This id riving me nuts.

[Sherman A1]

119. Be careful doing this

I understand your stress, but you might be dancing on the edge of legality if you get too close.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Best!

[soothsayer]

21. When Your Child Is Missing: Family Survival Guide

http://www.ncjrs.gov/html/ojjdp/204958/index.html

gross to see Ashcroft's name on it, but it may have useful info.

[demgurl]

55. THANK YOU SO MUCH,

I am going to read this right after supper and I am passing it onto her mom as well. THANK YOU.

[Blackhatjack]

88. Can she receive text messages? IF SO, get one of her friends to text her....

[Blackhatjack]

108. You need to get a friend to send her a text message if her phone will receive it....

One of her friends likely knows something and that is where I would be spending my time.

If her parents pay for her cell phone, call the cell phone company and ask them if they will send her a text message regarding her account so that a response can be traced.

[demgurl]

156. Blackhatjack....

it is a pay as you go phone by Virgin. Her mom has been spending some time on her friends and right now a lot of the family is putting up posters. I took a digital poster and emailed everyone I knew in my state asking them to look out for her and to please forward it to everyone they know in NC. It is a quick inexpensive way to get the word out while others are doing footwork.

I have also left messages (message after message) for her letting her know she has someone she can depend on me and to let me know if she needs anything or requires a place to stay.

I will pass on the text message idea to her mom since she knows her friends. Thank you.

[yella_dawg]

22. Big human interest story a few months ago.

Car accident produced a cadaver that matched for a heart transplant for a ten-year-old boy. Hospital unable to contact the parents in this time critical situation. Cops located the mother in a movie theater by hunting her cell phone.

GPS enable phones (mandatory due to 911 regulations) report their exact location to the tower at all times. Cops can get such info with a subpoena, or nowadays, for the asking, I suppose.

[demgurl]

56. Thank you, that is great news.

I hope the police will provide my sister-in-law with the information we so desperately need.

[orleans]

66. i remember that story. i was amazed at how quickly they located that boy. n/t

[OzarkDem]

73. Happened in a recent kidnapping, too

Police were able to trace cell phone pings from the victim's phone to local towers. Pings were from family members trying to contact her. They were able to reconstruct her movements based on pings when someone called her cell phone.

[CoffeeCat]

23. I'm so sorry Demgurl...

...I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your niece.

I know this must be so upsetting. I can't possibly imagine what you are your
family are going through.

It's a Godsend that her mom heard about the runaway plans, before this happened. It's
most likely that she did temporarily run away, and that the boyfriend knows where she
is. If she had disappeared, without a trace, that would be a different situation.

Again, I know this is very upsetting and I hope you find her soon.

The boyfriend will obviously be the key to all of this. She wouldn't leave without
telling him where she is, etc.

My best to you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[demgurl]

57. Sparkles, your words mean a lot.

Thank you for your comfort.

[blondeatlast]

24. K--I can't really offer advice, but let's keep this kicked up. nt

[Highway61]

25. K &R n/t

[druidity33]

26. i thought

there were businesses you could pay to have a cell-phone traced. Investigators have access to that equipment so it must be available somehow... yellow pages?

[demgurl]

58. If ANYONE knows where to look for this, please let me know.

My husband and I would be more than willing to pay for someone to do this.

[druidity33]

89. i googled

cell phone trace...

this looked like the first good lead:

http://www.sat-gps-locate.com/english/index.html

here's another:

http://phonetrace.org/

good luck...

[liberaldemocrat7]

131. In this case that does NOT appear funny.

Do not click on either link. One has porn. Nothing wrong with porn but she's looking for her neice and she doesn't need to see this.

Geez how insensitive.

[druidity33]

132. hey sorry

like i said, i googled "cell phone trace". Both of those sites claimed they could trace a phone signal to a location. Not trying to be funny or insensitive, just tryin to help...

:shrug:

[demgurl]

157. Thanks for the warning.

I will assume no wrong was meant. Thanks for looking out for me, though.

[Madspirit]

27. Why Would She Run Away

I ran away all the time when I was a kid. My father beat me. That's why. Why would your niece run away? I am not making an accusation; I just find it rather odd that no one has asked why she might feel a need to split. So don't yell at me. I am just asking.

Lee

[demgurl]

63. No yelling at all, Lee.

If you read my posts, above, you will hear her story bit by bit. Yes, there are reasons for running away and if she gets returned to her house I have no doubt she will run away again. If we can get to her and step in, I believe the stepfather would rather be rid of her (except for that whole built in nanny arrangement) and I think he would just write her off if she said she would not return and we stated we would be happy to take her.

If you do not wish to go through my posts then I will sum up a small bit for you. There has at least been verbal abuse if not physical. They have used her as alive in nanny for the last 5 years. She is treated inferior to his natural children.

Anyone who would be mad at you or yell just would not get the post. You are basically saying getting her back is not enough and that you have to address the problems, right? I hope I read you right.

[Madspirit]

67. Yup!

That's what I'm saying. Kids usually run away for a reason and it's usually not trivial though a lot of adults often treat it that way. I am happy that you are taking an interest in this child. She NEEDS you.

Lee

[demgurl]

72. Thank you. I hope I can find her.

I shudder to think what her stepfather might do to her if he finds her.

[CoffeeCat]

135. Demgurl...how is it going?

After reading your posts, I understand why she ran away.

She is being abused, really bad. She must be miserable.

I agree with the others who have said that you should lay the groundwork to have her
come live with you. She probably ran away because of her stepfather and because her
mother is not protecting her. Now, she has the threat of punishment with which to
contend.

Maybe you can talk to her SF and mother, and ask if you could tell your niece that,
if she returns, she can come live with you, and that you will help her.

I'm so grateful that she has you. It really is such a blessing. You are a kindhearted,
caring person and your niece is lucky to have a relative who will truly care and try to
help her. I imagine that so many runaways do not have that.

As a person who grew up in an abusive family--I can tell you that you are her angel. You
can turn a little piece of the world around, Demgurl--and I applaud you for being so
concerned and mature.

Please keep us posted... :hugs

[demgurl]

158. You're words mean so much....

but I think I am emotionally overwhelmed at this point. Tears come easily and I have to put myself together to pick up my children from school. This is their favorite relative and they know nothing about her disappearance. We are trying to stay strong in front of them. I think I will give up posting for now and come back later. (tonight? Tomorrow?)This is so draining and each hour that passes seems like she is so much farther away from ever coming home again. From us ever seeing her again. I am so spent, but thanks for checking up on me and I will post again - I promise.

[salinen]

28. She's sixteen and ran away with boyfriend

I wouldn't panic. She's pissed off and needs attention and this will gain her some. Boyfriend will protect her. They'll show up soon enough.

[veness]

29. k & r. n/t

[Arkansas Granny]

30. K & R

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

32. Most phones have GPS. I don't know how long you have to wait but I think the FBI could

track her.

Hugs to you and your family.

[demgurl]

64. Thanks, Sweet.

I like your furbabies - I assume they are yours? Very pretty.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

92. You're welcomed demgurl and yes, I am the "mommy" to these kitties! Amy is 4 and having a hard time

adjusting to Charlie who's 4 months. Sibling rivalry!
Sending more hugs.

[demgurl]

166. You have two beautiful babies.

I hope they grow to love each other and keep each other company. There is nothing like family.

[cbear70]

33. kicked.. but no advice.. sorry :(

[soothsayer]

35. There's a National Runaway Hotline, too

https://www.childinc.com/runaway.htm

Has your Child or Teen Run Away?

It is Important that you try to remain calm. Know that your child/teen is most likely still in the area. Studies indicate that 50% of children and youth who run away stay within 10 miles of their home. They often stay with friends or relatives, wander the streets or sleep in parks or unsecured buildings.

Check your child's room: See if any items are missing or if a note has been left behind.

Contact the police: Report your child as a runaway and file a 'missing persons report.'

Remain calm: This is important. Your anxiety may cause you to forget important details of your child’s appearance, behavior, names of friends, and/or typical hangouts.

Call the National Runaway Hotline [phone] or [phone] (TDD) - for the hearing impaired. The National Runaway Hotline (NRS) is a not-for-profit organization dedicated and committed to helping youth at-risk through telephone switchboard services. All services are confidential. The telephone lines are toll-free and operate 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. The NRS provides:

o Crisis Intervention
o Referrals
o Youth Advocacy

Contact your child's friends. Although your child is on the run, he or she may still be in contact with close friends. DO NOT create an environment of hostility. Do not call your child or teen’s friends and demand to know the location of your youth. This may cause your child to fear coming home and consequently leave the immediate area. Have the friends contact the Runaway Hotline to relay any messages. Using a mediator or go-between reduces the fears that your child or their friends may have.

[demgurl]

69. Thank you!!!!!!!!!

I am in tears, your kindness is overwhelming. Thanks for this information. I am so glad to have all of you folks.

[Hekate]

36. Been there, wept those tears, lived those fears.Practical advice here...

Call every number you have. Start with the boyfriend's parents. Use your phone book for names of her other friends and their parents. Talk to the adults in the household. Use the numbers on her phone bill and her family's bill.

Overcome the inevitable feelings of shame ("How could MY kid do this? What will people think of us?") to make those calls. It may help if you write a small script to use with the first 10 calls -- it keeps you on track with your essential information and questions. "Hi. My name is ___. I'm calling because your name/number is in my niece ______'s phone bill, and she's missing. Her family is worried sick. Is she with you? Do you have any idea where she might be? Do you know anyone who might know? Please talk to your kids and call me back at ___."

Keep a log of who you called, when, and what they said. Write down any names/numbers they may give you. Use the city phone book.

My heart hurts for you.:cry: Kids do crazy stuff and for their own reasons. Gods willing she will come home safely, as my two did, and in 10 years' time this will all be a distant memory of what happened one summer.

:grouphug:

Hekate

[demgurl]

71. Hekate...

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I appreciate the script. You are so helpful. Thank you.

[Fleshdancer]

37. Contact her friends and the boyfriend's family

The cell phone company may be able to help locate her through that channel...if anything, a cell phone record listing all the calls she's sent and received over the past few months would be helpful. Contact everyone on the phone log. Does she IM on a computer? Check the history on that too.

Does she have a car? Does her boyfriend have a car? The police should be given all of these details.

:hug:

Good luck.

[demgurl]

74. The boyfriend has a car but she does not.

That is partially why her mom is trying to keep an eye on his car. They thought they might have seen it at her work today - she was not there, of course. Her mom is going to try and go through the police first and try to play a sympathy card on the phone company.

Her mom has phoned her friends, past and present, and all say they know nothing. Do you suppose they may talk to me if they will not talk to her mom?

Her mom has been checking all of her computer activities for the last couple of weeks so there is nothing new on IM. However, I really appreciate the suggestion and I hope everyone keeps making them.

[knitter4democracy]

38. If you need any extra hands to deal with stuff, let me know.

I'm good at staying on hold with cell phone companies and such. :hug: How very scary!

[Katherine Brengle]

42. I can't help, but kick.

[mdmc]

44. I'll say a prayer for her

I used to work with runaways... Keep your chin up. Peace and low stress

[demgurl]

82. Thank you.

She can use all the prayers and positive wishes we can muster.

[The Vinyl Ripper]

50. A couple of points...

My wife ran away from home when she was sixteen, she wasn't abused at all, she just wanted a bit of adventure more than anything.

Kids often have no clue how this kind of behavior effects the rest of the family..

Almost certainly the girl has left with someone she knows, most likely the boyfriend. If she really likes the boyfriend making her think you are going to get him in big trouble will make her stay away even longer.

So if you do get in touch with her, hold off on the threats against the boyfriend, he's probably young and dumb too..

[Tsiyu]

52. keeping kicked

Hope your niece is safe. demgurl.

:hug:



:kick:

[blondeatlast]

54. Why I love DU: We can rip each other to shreds over social/political issues

but damn I love the way DUers come together when one of our own is in need.

My prayers for a positive outcome. I can't offer much practical advice, but I can... :kick:

[OzarkDem]

75. Heh, just like a typical family

We fight because we care about each other, our party and our fellow Americans.

[The Doctor.]

59. If you'd really like to do something, start by taking a deep breath...

Focus on building your knowlege.

You obvioulsy know her name, do you know his?

Find it out. Get it from her parents, his place of work, one of her friends... someone knows. Make up some reason for the person you're asking to want to give you his name if you don't think the truth is good enough. eg; "I have one of her bonds for $500 I need to give her, but her parents will keep it from her"... not a great example, but I don't know who you'd be asking and whether they'd care.

I'll assume that if she's 16 and 'running away with her boyfriend', the 'boyfriend' isn't a 'boy'. It's a good bet he's had bills and a car, and whatever else. Your county hall has public records on an awful lot of stuff. I don't know what county you're in, but many have upgraded to searchable databases, that would make it easy. Find out what kind of car he has, where he's lived, judgements against him, etc. What you can't find out from the county, try either her parents, his or her work, or her friends.

At the very least you should be able to find his parents. If they turn out to be helpful, great. If not, you'll still be able to get something from an exchange like whether or not he lives there.

Find out where they like to hang out. Unless they've left state, they will revert to familiar patterns. Most kids have no idea how to go on the lamb.

Basically, find out everything you can from any source you can think of. I hope these suggestions were helpful, but they are by no means everything. Then you can do a little footwork... drive by some of their hangouts, maybe even throw a little cash around for information... but don't go getting taken advantage of.

Somebody knows where they went or are staying. If her friends think they are protecting her from her parents, then you have to make sure they are convinced you are on her side, not theirs. Hell, make shit up about how terrible they are if necessary and how you 'only want to give her a little money and make sure she's safe'. Don't give them money to 'give to her' unless you're an expert shadower though.

Honestly, I doubt she's in much danger. Unfortunately, her parents told the police the wrong thing. If they'd reported it as a kidnapping (as far as they knew, it certainly could have been), she'd have been found by now and everything would get sorted out later. So the police are in no hurry to find her, but that doesn't mean they aren't working on it. Most runaways return on their own when they find out how hard it is.

I figured I'd just toss out these suggestions because you seem to want to do something, and sometimes direction isn't obvious when in a panic state.

Relax, think about what you can find out and how, and if you feel you need to take it upon yourself to track her down, I can't tell you not to... just be smart and careful.

Good luck. I hope she gets back safely, and so much is likely.

[rosesaylavee]

60. How about tracking her cell phone use online?

Maybe you or her mom could see who she is calling and who is calling her?

[The Doctor.]

62. Yep. Most cell plans let you view statements on line.

That way the parents have all of her friend's numbers; a very convenient way to get in touch with them and employ subterfuge if necessary.

[spanone]

68. parental nightmare...she's probably fine

KICK

[rucky]

70. I'll have to agree.

not in a Polyanna sort of way, but in a 16-year-old and boyfriend who at least had some sort of plan. Do what you can to reach her. reality will kick in for them in a couple of days.

[OzarkDem]

76. Does she, the boyfriend or any of their friends

have MySpace or Facebook pages? Sometimes kids leave clues or talk about what they're going to do on those pages.

[welshTerrier2]

78. lots of great ideas in this thread

we're a resourceful bunch; that's for sure.

the best ideas i've seen so far are the cell phone trace (if it has GPS - most phones in the last 2 years or so have this) and calling the credit card companies for recent activity. you might find things like regular charges at a take out food place that could be very useful in figuring out where they are. or perhaps concert tickets or tickets for some upcoming event. that would be very useful too. also, the phone company might give you access to her cell phone records. that would show you any recent calls she's made. whomever she's talking too might very well know where she is.

the other approach, in addition to the above, is putting the squeeze on their peer groups. contact the parents of their main friends and ask them to use whatever leverage they might have. the kids won't want to rat on their friends but maybe they can be made to understand that the parents just want to know they're safe. worth a try. the runaways never need to know who ratted on them.

and one last idea: lots of kids maintain a "my space" page or a "facebook" page or whatever it's called. sometimes, there are all kinds of hints as to what they're up to. it might be worth finding out whether either your niece or her boyfriend use a computer in this way. also, it might be interesting to tap into their email accounts. they might be accessing their email remotely. if you had the right access, it might tell you a lot about where they are.

hope this helps. my 16 year old niece ran off with her boyfriend once. kids are pretty naive but they're also pretty resourceful. she'll be OK.

[frebrd]

80. K&R n/m

[boston bean]

84. Go find a pay phone

and keep calling her until she picks up.

She may not be picking up your calls because she recognizes your phone number.

At the very least, if you get lucky, she will answer and you will at least know she is alive.

[MelissaB]

143. Great idea!

:kick:

[bonito]

85. Kick n/t

[AzDar]

86. All the best to you and your family.

:kick:

[Madspirit]

87. k&r...n/t

[djjimz]

90. She's in my prayers...

Good luck, and please do, keep us informed!

[cally]

91. I hope she's found soon

I have no advice but I'm thinking about you and your family.

[stop the bleeding]

93. Maybe one of her friends know(s), or I would keep an eye on any

credit/atm cards. 2 things I have learned about surviving in the world. 1) you gotta have money, 2) you gotta know people.

I wish you all the good fortune of locating her - hopefully it is nothing more than a simple case of her needing to get away for a few days.

O8)

[BlueCollar]

94. kick

[mzteris]

95. If I were you -

I'd talk to the BF myself.

a) He probably knows you're one of the "good guys" and even if he doesn't know it - he'll tell HER what you said;

however - though I almost hate to mention it -

b) if he HONESTLY DOESN'T KNOW - when you talk to him - then there's always the possibility that the step-dad took a swing too many or something. You said the whole story from the "mom" sounded fishy, right?

Again - I'm sorry if I'm saying something that sounds awful - but it's happened before and her family sound totally self-concerned.

:hug:

[Cameron27]

96. Kick

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but there's a lot of great advice in this thread. Godspeed in finding her.

[Liberty Belle]

100. It's critical to get the cops and phone company to trace before the battery goes dead!

Call, visit, harangue them, get a lawyer calling - whatever it takes. Hopefully she took her charger with her, but if not, time is of the essence.

We went through this frustration recently when my daughter's car was stolen with cell phone inside. The cops refused to initiate a trace through the cell phone, but said they would have if there had been a kidnapping.

I hope you find your daughter. FYI, there is an ASJA author who recently wrote about her own teenage runaway daughter in one of the women's magazines (Women's Day, I think). Her story had a happy ending and her daughter is now home. I hope you will be as fortunate.

[Stinky The Clown]

101. I **think** a cell phone that's on can be traced.

A cell phone has to emit a signal that tells the network where it is so it can relieve calls. That signal is traceable.

The harder part may be getting someone to actually act. We hear all too often about slow agencies or legal roadblocks to such efforts.

I hope you find her.

[texanshatingbush]

102. LAURA RECOVERY CENTER FOR MISSING CHILDREN can help you....

here's a link:
http://www.lrcf.org/node/2

In particular, you may find useful their LAURA RECOVERY CENTER SEARCH MANUAL at this link:
http://www.lrcf.net/LRCFoundation.org/LRCManual/index.html

Good luck. They say the key thing is:

IF YOUR CHILD IS MISSING
1. Don't Wait
2. Call 911
3. Call Laura Recovery Center at 866-898-5723

This center was founded by the parents of Laura Smither, who was recovered too late. They have pioneered a model for "fostering a Triangle of Trust among law enforcement, community and a missing child's family".

DO IT NOW !!!!!!

Love--THB

[Ilsa]

103. Hey, I am so sorry. I hope she is found safe and ready to return home.

If I was anywhere where she could be, I'd help you look for her. But I don't even know what state you are in. Hugs to you and her mom. Maybe a good family counselor can help after she gets back. Good luck.

[pitohui]

104. any update yet?

this former troubled teen keeping fingers crossed it all works out okay

[The Witch]

115. Yes please update us when you get a chance

But take care of you and yours first and foremost, of course.

[I Have A Dream]

116. Keeping it kicked. n/t

[nytemare]

105. Center for Missing and Exploited Children advice for parents of runaways here

http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/ResourceServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=882

Here is something about tracking the cell phone..

http://books.google.com/books?id=X4uoXjBRjf8C&pg=PA275&lpg=PA275&dq=how+to+track+cell+phone+of+runaway&source=web&ots=EUbql40SYY&sig=GxsI0QLC7iccIUviu00UUFZpggY#PPA275,M1


The police should be able to trace the cell. The parents may be able to do the same thing as account holders, it may depend on the carrier.

This really needs to be reported to law enforcement, if it hasn't been already.

The link gives good advice.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[MsRedacted]

106. Call all her friends and their parents. Someone knows where she is.

[AJ9000]

123. Good idea. That's probly the best way to go right now.

[Ken Burch]

107. God help you and your niece's parents.

I hope you can find her. Keep up hope. Please keep posting here if you need suggestions and support.

[demgurl]

164. Thank you, Ken.

I think the support means just as much s suggestions or information. I will keep posting if you all will. Thanks!

[Autumn Colors]

109. I don't know if this will help, but...

try leaving her a message and don't just say that she can trust you, tell her that you will try everything legally in your power to have her come live with your family. You can't out and out promise her that you can do this, because you may hit legal barriers with the parents, but if she knows that specifically is a possibility, it might carry more weight than just implying that she can confide in you.

On a side note, to give you some hope. This was pre-cell phones and pre-internet. I ran away from home when I was in 10th grade. One of my hobbies was penpals (the pen and paper kind). I ran away to my penpal's house in Arizona. I got on a greyhound bus and traveled nearly 3 days to get there.

In the meantime, my parents had somehow located the one person in school I had confided my plans to (amazing, since he wasn't a close friend or someone I'd ever mentioned at home), my mother got on a plane, and GOT THERE BEFORE I DID!

Fortunately, my penpal's family had the good sense to have her stay at another relative's house and not meet me at the bus or I would have just stayed on the bus if I'd seen her. My parents threatened her family with all kinds of legal action (I found that all out later on). After several days of fighting, I finally got on a plane and went home because I didn't want my friend's family to get in trouble.

Hope your story has a good ending as well.

[JDPriestly]

110. Is her boyfriend a good guy?

If so, he will bring her back. My great-grandmother eloped with a young man her parents did not particularly like. They were married around 60 years -- very happily.

If the boyfriend is no a guy, then you need to call every friend of this young woman and every motel within driving distance. Get the community to help look for her.

[liberalla]

133. Good question...... and, is the boyfriend concerned?

The boyfriend should be concerned and worried about her, if he truly doesn't know where she is.

If he's not, then he's concealing something. What could he be concealing? Something as innocent as "helping" her hideout, etc., or something more serious and disturbing? (Back to the question, "is he a good guy?').

I think it would be good if Demgurl could speak directly with the boyfriend, rather than getting the info through her sister and her husband.

[SydneyBristow]

111. One thing is sure

She is lucky to have an aunt and uncle with a good head on their shoulders. Here's hoping she comes in and you all can work out an arangement. If it all works out my advice would be...make sure she is educated and involved, sports, music, friends, job, school, drama, whatever, point being, the more strings you have holding you down, the more painful it is to leave, and the activities can distract you/give you joy for what sucks in the rest of your life.

Good Luck!
Syd

[illinoisprogressive]

113. I am so sorry. Any idea where they would run to?

[The Witch]

114. K&R. I can't imagine what this must be like

And trust me, I'm tryin'...

:hug: :hug: :hug: If there's anything I can do please just name it. Where are you located?

[Auntie Bush]

118. I know who can find her.

George Bush. He listens in to all conversations. He knows everything...except how to win a war.

Sorry...but good for a laugh and a kick.

You will all be in my prayers and good luck.

[soothsayer]

121. ..unless she's with bin laden, then he'll have no freakin' clue.

[Cabcere]

120. K&R

Hope your niece is OK & will return soon. :hug:

[AJ9000]

122. Depending on the capabilities of the cell phone

they might be able to trace her within several ft. using GPS. They can certainly trace approximate locations by which cell towers were used.

I understand too that some cell phones can be used as a bugging device so conversations could be over heard (even if the phone is off and not in use.) The cell provider might be able to help since she is a minor and a runaway.

Now I'll say I could be wrong on some of this, but thought you might want consider the info.

[yorkiemommie1]

124. kicking

Hope that she is found safe and sound.

[Hoof Hearted]

125. Not enough information in the OP.

I haven't read any of the responses yet but I can tell you, the OP is too vague. You need to talk to family members, decide quickly together what information you want to release, gather photos and get a basic plan of action together. Do it quick and come back soon.

Our family went through a similar situation. We were so terrified all hope was lost, but we were lucky - and blessed - our deepest thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Danger Mouse]

141. Read the rest of the thread to get a lot more information about the situation.

[Kiouni]

126. K&R

[shireen]

127. thinking of you and your niece ....

the biggest challenge is re-establishing contact with her. If she gets the message that she has a safe refuge with you, she'll come to you. She's too young to survive safely on her own, and if she's a smart kid -- and I'm sure she takes after her aunt! :) -- she'll figure out that she needs to go to someone she can depend on for unconditional love and support. Once she gets there, it will be clear, I hope, to her mother that living with you is in the best interest of the child.

She's going to be OK, and you will both be stronger and wiser from this scary stressful experience ....


:hug: :grouphug:

[FormerOstrich]

128. It sounds to me like you and your husband should take...

charge of the search. Based on what you have said there is no telling what tone they have used with the boyfriend and his family. Coupled with the police visit they may fight harder to hide her to save their own butts.

I recommend you try to encourage your sister and brother-in-law to let you take charge and they stay out of the way. Tell them they would do best staying at home waiting for her to call (keep the lines free) while you do the leg work. I believe you have the personality that will be met with cooperation versus the rest of them.

Next, make sure you let your Niece know she doesn't have to go home. Encourage her into your home. Tell her you'll start working out a plan to make it permanent. By no means don't let her go home without you and your husband there because my guess is the step father will be all about punishment. Don't leave her there. Hire an attorney know or at least start posting questions on some of the attorney boards for your state. Find out how you can keep her out of their home.

While I love my mom and dad dearly now, I moved away from home when I was 16. While never physically abusive my ex-Marine Sergeant father was mentally abusive and being part of the family meant a very regimented work routine including babysitting, house chores, and farm chores.

Over the years as they mellowed and I matured we found a good place. I have a feeling what your niece has been going through is far worse than what I did. The controlling factor of the step-father sends chills up my spine.

You take charge!

If you can think of any way I can help you please send me a message!

[drm604]

134. K&R

I have no advice beyond what's been given but I think this needs a kick. I Hope things work out!

[CoffeeCat]

136. K&R for Demgurl and her niece... (nt)

[youthere]

137. I'm so sorry demgurl...

I have no advice, I just wanted you to know that I'm sending positive thoughts and energy for the safe return of niece.

[porphyrian]

138. Any news yet? - n/t

[malaise]

139. Ditto

My thoughts are with you Demgurl.

[ceile]

140. kick

[Danger Mouse]

142. Reading the thread, and having had the joy of a verbally abusive stepfather as a teen...

my heart goes out to her. You're a good person for being so concerned about her. I hope she is safe. You are right, getting her out of that situation is the best thing for her. Hopefully, the parents will let her live with you without a fight. Right now, the abuse and live in nanny status must be making her absolutely miserable.
Please let us know when you know more. We're all behind you. :grouphug:

[demgurl]

169. Elrond.......

I am only as concerned as any family member should be but thank you. The rest of the family is talking about sending her away if she comes back....just so she can not be with this boy. They are talking about sending her up north with another family member. We told my mother-in-law that at 16 you can not keep her that far away if she wants to be near her boyfriend. They just do not understand that it is not the boyfriend (at least not completely) and that the real issues need to be addressed.

[Danger Mouse]

178. Please keep us informed.

We are behind you.
I hope that she is safe.

[buddhamama]

148. how awful. i am sorry.

my heart goes out to your niece. it is no wonder she ran away after she has had to endure. i hope she is found soon. you all are in my thoughts. :hug:

[Zookeeper]

150. I'm so sorry, Demgurl....

The fact that the boyfriend isn't with her and is denying knowing anything about it really worries me.

Has your sister told him that she overheard the planning? Perhaps the police should have a chat with the boyfriend and point out any potential trouble for him if he is harboring a minor.

I have two teens and when they've gone off in a snit (for a few hours), what has worked best for me is to text message them or have one of their sibs or a friend text or call them. It's like they can't resist responding to a text message and words can be a lot more neutral than tone of voice.

She is lucky to have such a good aunt and uncle. Please let us know how this turns out.

:hug:

[CraftyGal]

151. Could you please PM me ASAP?

I have connections that can help to get her information out there.

Crafty

[blondeatlast]

159. Kicking nt

[Janice325]

160. Another kick.

Please keep us updated.
I'm sending positive vibes to both you and your niece.

[demgurl]

162. UPDATE FOR ALL WHO ASKED.....

First of all, thanks for all your wonderful and kind words. I am at my wit's end and you have helped me keep it together.

Also, thanks to those who have written behind the scenes. There are a couple of you who are really going the extra mile an I am so grateful for your help.

It has been four days since she disappeared and there has been no word. I am not even sure if she is checking her phone. The last message I left told her how much I love her and if she needs anything to please let me know. I then asked if she did not want to call to please change her voice mail message and that would indicate, to me, that she is doing fine. That was four hours ago and the message is the same. This, of course, makes me worry even more but I must have faith that she is with her boyfriend or someone her boyfriend knows and that she is safe and sound.

It would seem that her boyfriend is somewhat controlling (what do you expect with the model she has had?) and that she has basically lost almost all contact with her friends in the last year. Her boyfriend has his phone turned off and she is not answering hers. She quite her job so we can not wait for her to show up there. The next big thing is whether she shows up to school next week when it starts.

Please keep sending positive thoughts/prayers our way and I am going to keep fighting to try and find her.

Thanks for everything.

[knitter4democracy]

163. Oh no. That's all not good.

:hug:

Let me know what I can do to help. Are the police involved now? They should be.

[demgurl]

170. The police are involved and....

there is an arrest warrant (if I understand correctly, mmaybe an APB) out on the boyfriend. There were actually threats communicated from the boyfriend to the stepfather. What I can not, for the life of me, understand, is that they had the boyfriend the other day and did nothing. My sister-in-law and her husband staked out my niece's old work and the boyfriend showed up for my niece's check. At that point I woudl have called in the cops and claimed either he was stealing my daughter's money or he was aiding and abbeting a minor but he could make a deal with the cops and avoid jail (or at least charges) if he would give up her location. Now he has disappeared and they have no clue where he is!

[knitter4democracy]

176. PM me if you need help.

I can make calls, I can contact the media, I can do whatever.

I will also pray tonight. I'll tell my mom tomorrow (she's in bed by now, I hope--long day with her race), and she'll pray. Mom's prayers tend to be heard.

[demgurl]

180. Thank you, that means a lot.

[knitter4democracy]

191. I mean it, too.

We have friends around the country I could call up that could help, too. This is a serious situation, and she needs to be found safe and sound. Maybe if you offered your home as a solution, she'd take you up on it?

I grew up with mental and emotional abuse at my dad's house (mostly my stepmom), and I had my runaway route set (to my mom's house and later to a friend's house), my packing list set, and my notes ready to write. My mom even took in a runaway student of hers for a weekend once (Mom was the art teacher at our high school and knew a good half of the student body). This whole thing just makes my heart hurt. :(

[demgurl]

165. THE SITUATION IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT......

The boyfriend is really messed up and has even talked about killing the stepfather. As it turns out, the boyfriend's mom tried to convince my sister-in-law to let my niece move into a hotel room with her and her son. My sister-in-law, of course, said no. Shortly after that the boyfriend's mom was put in a mental institution for stabbing a man to death (self defense) and she just got out a week or so ago before my niece disappeared. Some of the emails, my sister-in-law read, said they were wanting to get married.

I am at rock bottom. God knows where they are. I was so sure they would still be in state but now I am not so sure about her where abouts, her safety or anything else.

[porphyrian]

168. Hang in there, and check back with us when you can and/or need to. - n/t

[demgurl]

167. HER PHONE WAS SHUT OFF

Just wanted to add that her phone is now shut off. :cry:

[Shine]

171. Safety and Protection to your beloved niece....

May she be Safe, Protected and Well. :hug:

Deep Breath, demgurl.....

[demgurl]

173. Thank you.

I couldn't eat tonight, my stomach is in knotts and I carry my phone everywhere around the house. No matter what, I just want her to be safe. I wish I knew.

[mountainvue]

174. Shut off as in she turned it off or the service has been

disconnected? I will light a candle for your niece's safety.

[demgurl]

175. That was the term my husband used....

come to find out it has just been turned off, not disconnected. Thank you for the candle and keep her in your thoughts.

[mountainvue]

172. I think I would stake out the grandmother's house

for a while and see who turns up. Also, I would contact her close friends and see what kind of information I could get out of them.

[demgurl]

177. I think the grandmother IS the way to go.........

My sister-in-law says the grandmother won't talk to them because she has bought into the fact that my niece is being abused. The step dad has been at the grandmother's house standing at his truck SCREAMING at her. In fact, when I just called her she said he had been there tonight screaming and if he had set one foot on her property, she was prepared to call the cops.

Anyway, I told her I believed that my niece is being abused and I wanted to make sure my niece is OK. I told her that I don't want information from her (my sister-in-law has been hounding her so much) but I would like to pass on a message if she hears from her grandson. I said that we wanted to make sure my niece is fine and does not need money. I told her we were willing to Western Union her money if we know she wants it. That way she will know that she can pick it up at any number of places and there will not be a trap set. This way I will be bale to hear her on the phone and I can trace her to a city where she picks up the money. At least it is a starting point. Anyway the grandmother was ever so nice and said she had not seen my niece since last Thursday but her grandson has been calling and she will pass on the message.

I am stopping by the grandmother's house tomorrow to bring her a pie - her husband recently passed away and she has been dealing with all of this on top of that. She said she is already back to work and when I said I could not go back so fast, she said she had to because her husband's sickness was long and drawn out and that they spent all of their money. She said she was forced to go back to work because of the lack of funds. I will try to bond a bit with her and show her not all of our family is a hedonistic as the stepfather. Wish me luck.

[The Witch]

182. sounds like you have a plan. i'm prayin for you

keep us updated if you can find the time.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

179. I used to work with street kids, and every large city has an agency or two

that helps runaways and homeless youth.

If they stay away for more than a day or two, it's likely that they're fleeing an abusive situation rather than just having an adventure. The ones whose home lives are basically okay soon figure out that it's better to have 3 meals and a warm bed than to sleep in doorways. The ones who come from abusive homes say things like, "I'll kill myself if you make me go back."

The hazard for them is being tricked or forced into prostitution.

Find out which agencies serve homeless youth in your area and contact them. They will probably be willing to put up a missing person's poster in their drop-in center.

[demgurl]

181. My husband is putting up posters so I will have him do that.

Thank you for something I had not thought of.

At this point I am a 100% sure that this stepfather has been abusive. I feel sorry for his own three children.

[soothsayer]

184. Hang in there! Sounds like you're doing the best you can. Do keep us posted.

[CoffeeCat]

195. Demgurl...

Just checking in with you to see how things are going.

We are all thinking of you and hoping a swift, safe return for your niece.

Demgurl, I thought this before you said it--but it's highly likely that your
niece was being abused by your stepfather. When you described the dynamics
of that family (enabling, go-along mother; abusive, controlling husband), it
rang some bells because people like that provide the framework for childhood
abuse. Moreover, the way you describe how your niece has been objectified
and treated so poorly--using her for babysitting. It sounds like she has
no dignity or humanity in that house. Plus, she's run away--that's a sign
that at the very least--she's been emotionally abused.

With that said, if she ran away, due to sexual or physical abuse, she is
trying to break free and end this horrible cycle. Although it is awful
for you to worry from the sidelines, your niece is taking care of herself.
I sense that she's courageous and strong--and that she recognizes that she
does not deserve this.

She most likely knows that you are a good and decent person, and someone who
truly cares about her. I think your best bet is to make sure that she knows
you are there for her. Have you considered writing your niece a letter and giving
it to her boyfriend?

Even if he's not saying, he probably does know where she is and he most likely
knows why she ran away. He's stuck by her through all of this. Your niece's mother
heard her daughter talking with her bf about running away. He obviously knows why
she did it and supports her doing so. He knows what happened in that house. I would
get as close to him as possible and earn his trust. Let him know that you are someone
who cares and would be willing to take her in, if she was being abused. I would also
involve the police. If the bf says she was abused, ask the police what your options
are, and how you can ensure that she never has to live with him again.

If she has been sexually abused, she most likely is traumatized and feel that it is
her fault and that she is trapped. That's what abusers drill into their victims'
minds. She needs to hear that no abuse is her fault and that there are people who
can guarantee her safety--and above all--that you understand and care for her.

Sorry I've rambled. I am concerned about you and your niece. I am glad that
she has you. All kids enduring this kind of trauma should have an angel like you!

Again, thinking of you and sending you loads of light and positive thoughts. I know
this is going to resolve itself. I just think that you have to play "Catcher in the Rye"
and be the safety net for your niece--so she isn't returned to that home under
any circumstances.

[AZBlue]

183. K&R

I think they can use the cell phone to trace, but it has to be on.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[twenty4blackbirds]

185. k n/t

[AikidoSoul]

186. Checking back in... sorry you haven't found her

You and she are in our prayers

[Starbucks Anarchist]

187. Kick.

[Tsiyu]

188. A late night kick

hoping for the very best outcome for all.

Hang in there. Since the BF's mom mentioned staying in a hotel, I would check hotels in the area.

Someone may have said that already.

Also perhaps find out who BF and his mom know in neighboring towns.


:grouphug:

[Hekate]

189. Just checking and kicking this. You and your niece are in my thoughts.

:hug:

Hekate

[comtec]

190. It sounds like this girls took the lesser of evils

I would point out tat in most other countries 16 is considered tentatively an adult. She is old enough to know what is worst for her, and that is probably the line of logic she has been using. She knows her "life" at "home" is worse than the situation she perceives she's in now.

I hope she is being careful. Her life can only get worse if she's not being careful... I know more things you didn't need to worry about. I'm sorry but it's a point to worry about. I hope you find her soon. The boyfriend probably truly believes he is doing the right thing, which makes all this more tragic.

Just keep that in mind as you are flaying him alive for doing this to your family :) god speed adn good luck. :hug: :grouphug:

[Janice325]

192. Just checking in to see if there is any news.

Please be sure to take care of yourself, okay?
Keep us posted. Many folks here are thinking of your niece as well as you.
:grouphug:

[Cetacea]

193. New updated thread here:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1660671

[Janice325]

194. Thank you!