My Niece Is Still Missing (5 days) - Thread #2

[demgurl]

The other one was getting long:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1648266#1659713

and so I thought I would start a new one. The last one I needed help but this one is more for my sanity while I sit tight waiting to see if she can be found or will return on her own. If you have any more tips or help you would like to offer, please do so.

It is day five and I have no idea where she is but I have contacted the boyfriend's grandmother and asked her to pass on the message that I would like to wire my niece some money. This, in my thinking, will allow me to talk to her and make sure she is OK and when she retrieves it I might have an idea of what area she is in. It is not foolproof but I consider it better than what the stepfather is doing right now - showing up at the grandmother's and screaming at her for an unlimited amount of time. (this after she just lost her husband a short while ago!)

Thanks for helping me keep my sanity through all of this and please keep my niece in your thoughts.

[BlueIris]

1. (((((demgurl))))).

[rasputin1952]

2. First I've heard of this...my thoughts and prayers are w/you

as you face this situation. Just hearing from her would lift a great burden from your shoulders.

As for shouting at the G'mother, that only serves to exasperate the whole situation...:(

[Sadie4629]

3. Has anyone checked

with either your niece's or her boyfriend's friends? Girls, especially, would confide in their friends about something as big as this.

In the meantime, many, many prayers for you, your niece, and her mom and dad.

[demgurl]

6. She has lost contact with most of her female friends.....

since she started dating this boy. The pattern is astounding. The mom marries someone who is controlling and even makes my sister-in-law do away with her private email account and share his so he can read all the email. He also seems to have isolated her from the family somewhat. Then my niece gets involved with somewhat the same type of guy!

I am sure my sister-in-law is withholding some information about this because according to her my niece has been planning this for two weeks and she has listened in on conversations, read emails, etc.... How do you plan for two weeks and neglect to mention where you are going/who you will be staying with?

Thank you for your prayers. I just want to know she is OK.

[yardwork]

29. It sounds like your sister-in-law knows more than she is telling

probably out of fear of her boyfriend. Based on his behavior, I can understand her fear.

It must be nerve-wracking not to know where your niece is right now.

I recommend that you seek out a counselor with experience dealing with domestic violence. You need expert assistance. The problems in this family run deep. I think that the runaway is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. That's my two cents.

[demgurl]

47. I think your thoughts are worth much more than 2 cents.

I think you are spot on. This is why I want her to be with us - so she can get help for everything she has been through. Thank you for your thoughts.

[kdmorris]

4. I just read this thread

Do you know or have any other girls in the family that are around her age? It may help to have them contact her, as they are seen as more sympathetic than an adult.

When our 16 year old daughter ran away, we were distraught. We knew she had run away with her boyfriend, but we didn't know where to. Our oldest daughter (18 at the time) made contact with her and eventually told us where she was. We were able to go retrieve her, with the help of the police.

It doesn't sound like her parents are handling it very well, but who am I to make judgments? When your child is missing, you act in all kinds of crazy ways. I'm sure there were times when the cops thought I probably needed a sedative, since I tended to start crying and screaming at the slightest provocation. My normally gentle husband threatened to unman her boyfriend in front of the police.

I sincerely hope that she will make contact soon. Let her boyfriend's grandmother know that you are just trying to find out if she is OK and that you are willing to accept collect calls from pay phones, if needed. Stress that you aren't trying to get her to come home, you just want to talk to her. And mean it. Like the one person posted on the other thread... Loving her back is the way to go.

I made the wrong choice and came down hard on my daughter ("tough love"), so she left again, for good, about 3 months after the first incident. We are repairing the relationship now, after a year and a half, but it's hard and it caused a lot of anguish. She will be 18 in March.

I feel for you and your family and will keep you in my thoughts. I know how hard it is and I hope that she will at least make contact with you soon, so that you will know that she's OK. :hug: :grouphug:

[demgurl]

10. kdmorris.....

No, no girls her age in the family. A couple of boys but she was the only girl. I am much older than her but feel like she and I have a pretty good connection. I hope so, anyway.

I would never come down hard on her since I believe this is a form of self defense against her stepfather. My Uncle came onto me when I was my niece's age and my mom never believed me. That haunts me to this day and so I would never let her feel we did not believe her allegations. She would be accepted with open arms and understanding in our house. We love her very much.

[kdmorris]

11. Then keep reaching out

You are doing all you can. I didn't read the whole last thread, so I didn't realize that she is with a boy who may be controlling/abusive or that she had a reason to leave her house. That's very scary for you. When my daughter ran away, she was with a 23 year old. He's not abusive, or controlling, but we thought he was too old for her. She kept in contact, though, so I didn't worry about her. She's working as a manager at a local Winn-Dixie now and she and the boy have moved into an apartment of their own. But she was never in any danger, just a little headstrong.

All I can say is :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going thorough this and I hope she contacts you soon.

[demgurl]

14. I am glad things worked out between you and your daughter.

I understand she was much older than my niece but it is nice to hear positive stories about runaways. I hope your relationship with her continues to grow and that you both find much happiness. Thank you for the kind words about my niece.

[kdmorris]

17. I misspoke and corrected the post

My daughter was 16. She ran away with a 23 year old boy (perfectly legal in Florida). She's 17 now and lives with her boyfriend in their own apartment (they were with his parents for the first year), but is looking to go back to school and has a relatively good job. She understands now why we wanted her to finish school and not throw it all away for her 23 year old boyfriend.

[demgurl]

28. It is really wonderful that she has learned the wisdom of her parents.

I hope she will continue on the path she is currently on.

[soothsayer]

5. is the boyfriend still coming back to the grandmother's or is he gone, too?

[demgurl]

12. It would seem, for some reason,

that all of the stepfather's screaming, stalking and harassing phone calls have driven the boyfriend underground. Now who could have seen that coming? (do I really need a sarcasm tag????) He has vanished since they started harassing him. I am sort of glad he has vanished because the stepfather was talking about getting a hold of him and beating him up. Yeah, cause that will solve everything and go a long way to disputing the abuse stories my niece has told the boyfriend's family!

[SoCalDem]

7. Do you have any reason why she might feel the need to leave?

The stepfather's behavior bothers me a bit.. Could she be afraid of him?

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

9. Bothers? Shit, it terrifies me.

Speaking as a teen, and working on what information the OP has given us, I woulda been hauling ass out of there too. Best thing I would say you can do is to just make sure that she is alright. After that, then you can decide what needs to be done about the situation.

[demgurl]

13. If it scary to us adults......

it must be terrifying to a teen. What's more, I am sure there must have been some signs for others in the family but they just ignored it the way they have ignored other abuses that happened to other family children a while back. I am dealing with a family who I told I had witnesses (with phone numbers) and even a teacher saying she suspected something and the entire family said they didn't believe it and would not hold an intervention that we requested. They even called the abuser a nice guy and said how many times he had helped them.

With this history it is no surprise that another member of the family may be in the same situation and they can not see past their noses. This time I just came into some money and if my niece says there was abuse I will be using that money to fight tooth and nail to have the stepfather arrested and get custody of my niece. I will not abide by this kind of behavior and those that do so in my family disgust me. Children are innocent, you are there to protect them.

[blondeatlast]

8. Keeping you, your neice, and grandmother in my thoughts and prayers.

Know that my heart is right there with you.

:hug:

DU, let's make sure this stays up at the top and on the Greatest, thank you.

[shadowknows69]

15. You're in the prayers of my family demgurl

[MiaCulpa]

16. Some hope

first, very sorry to hear of your situation. Will keep you and your neice in my thoughts/prayers.
Perhaps it will be of a little comfort to know that when I was her age, I had to leave home as well. Things worked out okay for me. I got an education, work, and life is good. It took some determination not to let circumstances keep me down, but it worked out. Let's hope that even if she just hears that you're thinking of her and are willing to help that it will keep her strength up. I'm sure that when she feels comfortable she will be in touch. Hang in there.

-Diane

[acmavm]

18. I feel so damn sorry for you and your family. I don't know what to tell you.

I'm having trouble with my 14-year old son who thinks he's Mr. Independent and when he ran away I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

She probably thinks that the boyfriend is her protector. And he probably thinks so too. Unfortunately at that age they have that feeling of 'us against the cruel world' and sometimes no amount of reassurance that all you want to do is help them, save them from making a mistake or putting themselves in harm's way is just ignored because they see the whole family as the enemy for not seeing whatever problem it was that 'drove' them away before they took off. (Did that make sense?)

I don't have any good suggestions for you. The only thing that helped me was that the police explained to the people who my son was in contact with that they would be in BIG trouble if they hid him out. (His half-brother and his wife, who is a real piece of work.) And I reassured them that I would see that they paid dearly if they didn't tell me what was going on, so they brought him home. But that worked because I found out who he was in contact with (although they denied it at first). I hope that you find her. That cold feeling in your heart and the butterflies in your stomach won't go away until you do. I know. And I feel so sorry for any family that can't find one of their kids.

[Cetacea]

19. Regarding her boyfriend's grandmother

Were you able to get a "read" from your communication? I think that she is probably ok (alive but hiding) and if something terrible has happened to her the grandmother would have transmitted that to you, consciously or unconsciously.
I had suggested to you in the original thread hat you call a Hot Line if one is available in your area. Someone there would be able to pinpoint your situation and give you further variables on what you can or cannot do. And it would be helpful for your sanity to actually talk with someone without fear of confidentiality breaches.

In our thoughts. (((( )))))

[LeftyMom]

20. Sounds like she's trying to get away from the stepfather

Maybe she has a good reason.

[CitizenLeft]

21. I wish I had more to offer

...but all I can say is hang in there and keep up what you're doing. Praying for the best for all of you. :hug:

[demgurl]

22. I AM GOING TO SEE THE GRANDMOTHER.....

I will be back in a few hours but I am going out to see the boyfriend's grandmother and bring her a pie. The thought is that our family has caused her enough grief after the loss of her husband and it can't hurt to be nice to the person who admitted to me that her grandson talks to her on a regular basis.

[knitter4democracy]

23. Pie is a good first step.

Me, I'd take some knitting so I could sit and chat for awhile, too, but that's me. I'd bet that, if you can sit and chat awhile, you'll be able to at least get a message to her that you will take her in and keep her safe.

If you want someone to write up press releases and make phone calls, I'm available.

[demgurl]

30. I tried to get her to invite me in but .....

she was on the phone and I do not think she completely trusts me yet. I am not sure I would either if someone's family treated me the way our family has treated her. I am thinking it is all in being patient and taking baby steps. I handed her the pie, said I was sorry for the way my famiy has treated her and asked her to get a $20 to my niece. I will wait a couple of days and then call her asking her for details about the abuse. I am hoping I can get into her confidence bit by bit. My niece is worth the investment.

The good news is that she has not been saying my niece is NOT with her grandson or that she knows nothing about her disappearance. I think this is a positive sign that my niece is with her boyfriend and they are OK. Maybe I am deluding myself but this is all I have for now. It is more than the rest of the family has been able to get out of her. It is all I have to hang my hope on right now.

[kdmorris]

31. As long as her boyfriend is not abusive or controlling,

the best you can hope for is that she IS with her boyfriend and that the grandmother is helping them. Having support when you run away, as awful as it is for the family you left behind, is always preferable to having a young, vulnerable 16 year old out on the streets alone. Baby steps are good. Sounds like she doesn't completely distrust you either, or she would have slammed the door in your face.

:hug:

[demgurl]

32. I am not so sure he is not abusive or controlling......

according to my sister-in-law he is very whacko and he has been extra controlling. Mind you this is coming from someone who is trying hard to protect the facade that her husband is not controlling. What better way to cast aspersions on a situation than to get a scapegoat other than your husband?

My husband wants desperately to believe his sister. I compare stuff to the Bush administration. My mother-in-law wrote stating how the cops had said she could very well be in danger with the boyfriend and his mother being as unstable as they are. I said this was a Rovian tactic the sister-in-law employed by telling the cops how the mother of the boyfriend recently killed a guy. Here is the story:

She was in a hotel with her son and this guy she knew came over. I am not sure what transpired but the guy she knew started breaking stuff and trashing the hotel room. The mother took out a knife and stabbed and killed him. The poor son sat there holding the wound, trying to put pressure on it, blood spurting everywhere until help came. The mother ended up in a mental institution for evaluation and she got out a couple of weeks ago.

The spin, in our family, is....'see how crazy she is?' I figure if something were seriously wrong that she would have been arrested on murder or kept in the institution. I think it very well could have been self defense considering how the man went crazy.

Anyway, my family tells a cop how 'unstable' the mother is and how the kid just went through the trauma of trying to save that guy's life and how he is bi-polar. The cop says she may not be safe - not through any of his own observations, but through that which were just provided. Then the family uses the cops words to say just how unsafe a situation my niece is in and how she might very well be in danger.

I tend think they are trying to paint a bad picture of the other side so they will not be believed about the abuse. But I would also like to think that they can tell even the slightest truth at times.

If I can at least get her to keep me informed of my niece's safety, that would go a long way to setting my mind at ease.

[knitter4democracy]

45. Baby steps. *sigh*

I will pray again today. It's all I can do right now, and I hope it will help somehow. :( Your poor niece.

I'm going to get out that prayer shawl I started a long time ago, too. I've found that working on that and praying somehow makes things happen.

[demgurl]

34. How would that work?

I am not exactly experienced at these sorts of things! I have a digital flyer I can email to you and it has all of her information. I am desperate enough to take a stab at anything at this point. Thank you.

[knitter4democracy]

46. I'll PM you.

:hug:

[Tsiyu]

24. Good luck

You are doing an awesome job keeping your cool.


Abusive familes want the kid back because they don't want anyone knowing what happened in the home. But this girl should be of the age to be emancipated or at the very least awarded to your custody.

She is certainly in need of guidance and support right now of the positive kind. I'm glad you're there for her.

Check those hotels since the BF's mom mentioned that. Although I should say I don't know the area where you live. That could be daunting. But perhaps faxing the girl's pic to all hotels in a given area?

Hang in there. We are holding vigil with you and sending many good thoughts for your family.


:)

[kdmorris]

27. Let us know how it goes!

Hopefully, you can get her to help you out.

[Jack Rabbit]

25. ()

[Zookeeper]

26. Excellent plan to visit the Grandmother and show her...

some compassion.

Although her stepfather sounds unpleasant, if not abusive, it doesn't sound like the controlling boyfriend will turn out to be much better. Hopefully, she will respond to your offer to be a safe harbor.

Sending good wishes.

:hug:

[demgurl]

33. WOULD A REWARD HELP?

I am so mixed up that I am not sure if I am thinking straight or not. I was thinking maybe we could offer a reward for information that leads to us finding my niece. It would be nothing that big - maybe $5000 for accurate information that helps us. Is this a good idea or no? Thanks for your input.

[salin]

35. Maybe a smaller reward,

and put the rest aside as a fund for your neice if she is in need of help such as counseling, or lawyering (if she is in need of emancipation). Maybe 2,500 for a reward (provided the info leads to finding your daughter) and setting the other $2500 aside just in case...

[demgurl]

38. You are right....

we may need the other part of the money for a detective. My husband and I have decided we will hire one if she is not back by Monday. I am not sure what a detective can do but the police have said they have exhausted all avenues and to let them know if we have any new leads.That basically means they have given their all and they are done. There is a warrant out for the boyfriend but that is it unless they find and arrest him.

I truly appreciate the input. I want to make sure I am not making bad decisions because of the situation.

[Irishonly]

36. Keeping You in My Thoughts and Prayers

:hug:

[demgurl]

40. Thank you.

Could you include a prayer that she will call to say she is OK? At this point I only want to hear her voice and the rest is secondary.

[Irishonly]

48. I Sure Will

:hug:

[Jack Rabbit]

37. Kick and prayer

.

[Mnemosyne]

39. My hopes for your nieces safe return to you. My daughter went missing

in 1996 for three weeks.

It was pure hell.

My heart and thoughts are with you, demgurl. And it is a good thing that at least you have a way to track her, somewhat. :hug:

[Mabus]

41. Been there, done that. It is horrible

My stepdaughter went missing earlier this year. She's bipolar and had stopped taking her medication. To make a long, long story short, my brother and his girlfriend found her near the bus station in another state two days after she disappeared. She was with two guys who had drained most of her bank account. She ended up in a psych ward after she took a swing at the cops. Good thing she was manic and argumentative to the wrong people

It was a huge fucking mess but so was I. I spent most of that time being scared out of my wits and wondering if we'd find her alive. The worst part was the helplessness I felt. I also found out who I could turn to. Her mom's family, who lived in the area, didn't want to get involved. My family, the same people that my stepdaughter has told to "fuck off and die" to their faces were the ones who went out of their way to help us find her. We were also lucky that my stepdaughter's new found friends were some drunks whom someone at the bus station had already called the cops about.

All I know is that I never want to go through that again and I am so sorry that you are having to go through it now. The waiting and the wondering are what drive you nuts. All my best to you. You don't know how much I wish I you weren't going through this. Keep your chin up and be there for her when she shows up.

[CraftyGal]

42. K & R

I have posted to a couple of boards her poster. We have it printed out. TrogL and I thinking about you.

Remember to breathe, lol.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Crafty

:kick:

:loveya: :grouphug: :hug:

[Hekate]

43. Little prayers for you all throughout my day/night.May she find safe harbor.

:hug:
Thanks for keeping us updated.

Hekate

[Vinca]

44. Sorry for your missing niece and I haven't read the entirety of the

threads, but could either of them be using a debit/credit card that could be traced? Can't her cell phone signal be traced? Do you think the police are doing everything they can or just working on the assumption that she'll eventually show up (which, of course, she probably will). Does either have a car or access to a car so a plate number could be entered into the nationwide alert system? This is a pie-in-the-sky idea, but as a former cop in the northeast, lots of runaways turn up in Daytona Beach, Florida. I don't know why, exactly, but they do. Have you tracked down her friends and "leaned" on them? By that, I mean give them the impression they might be in big trouble if they know where she is and don't spill the beans (best accomplished by someone in uniform). If all else fails, keep in mind the vast majority of runaways come to their senses (or decide they like to eat) and find their way home.

[CraftyGal]

49. Has there been any word at all?

I have sent her poster to the Doe Network, the sister website (can't remember the name right now), Ron Cowles of " Little Ones Lost"[e-mail], as well as to forums that I belong to: http://dreamboyuk52.proboards60.com/index.cgi?board=kids2&action=display&thread=1188019891&page=1 and http://www.unsolvedcanada.ca/index.php.

Ron Cowles has been in contact with the police of the city and he is sending me all information pertaining to the case.

I am hoping that she will be found. Could you please email me you information again, I accidently deleted it.

Please remember to just BREATHE, okay.

CraftyGal

[CraftyGal]

50. K & R

:kick:

[comtec]

51. posting to keep tabs

my post on the other is about to do away. IO want to keep tabs. I hope it all works out well in the end.
As always, my sympathies for the hell your family is going through.
Don't be too hard on the boyfriend (3 fingers and a toe should be sufficient) as he's probably doing what he thinks is right.
god speed and good luck.

[CraftyGal]

52. Kicking yet again...

please email or pm me.

Crafty

[comtec]

53. still no word?

yikes, it's tuesday, well here in Europe...

[CraftyGal]

54. Demgurl

Brynn is now on the North American Missing Persons Network. Here is the link: http://www.nampn.org/hot/mcchesney_brynn.html . They put it on int he last 24 hrs. The Doe Network had contacted me and said they had set it to their sister network.

Please everybody lets keep kicking this...we need to know that Brynn is safe and that we are all concerned for her. Demgurl if there is anything els that I can do, please let me know. I haven't heard from you in a few days. I hope all is okay.

Crafty

[CraftyGal]

55. I have just heard from Demgurl...Good News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The police caught her and she is 'home' with her grandmother. They think she may try and run away again but for now we are all keeping a close eye on her and blanketing her with love.

I thank you for all your efforts and can not begin to tell you the comfort you have given me. God bless you for all of your efforts for children everywhere. I pray I will not need you again but am thankful that I know about you and we have come together.

If I can ever somehow be of help to you for another missing child, please let me know. I am indebted to you.

Demgurl

[comtec]

57. doe sthis mean she isnt with her abuse mom/step-dad anymore?

gods I hope that's the case.
It sounded like she needed to get away from there, but had no idea how to do that in a less nerve racking way (for everyone around her)

YAY HAPPY NEW!!! :grouphug: glad things worked out well in the end

[Madspirit]

56. I Have Nothing To Say Except

You are a wonderful and caring aunt. :hug:

Lee