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I write a weekly column for the local newspaper and every now and then they decide not to publish what I write because it's not "family material." The one I wrote this week was turned down for that reason. I'm fine with that; it's up to the paper and they've been very supportive of some edgy stuff (for a small, conservative town) that I've written before. But I thought some of you might enjoy this one. Pass it on if you like it.
A conversation with Sen. Larry Craig (with a nod to Bob Newhart)
by Rich Lewis
brrrring!
Hello, Larry! This is Bruce over at Spit-n-Polish Public Relations. How're you?
Not so good, huh? Well, I know, what with this bathroom thing and the arrest and guilty plea and so on. That's why I'm calling.
Yes, Larry, I know. You're not gay.
What? No, no, Larry, I'm not gay either, so, right, it's safe for us to talk.
Sure, a lot of people make that mistake. My parents just liked the name Bruce. Really. Now, the guy who fixes our computers, Ed, is gay, but I sent him home early today and as far as I know, there's nobody left in the building who's gay. It's all good.
Look, I've been going over the details here and I have some ideas for getting you out of this pickle. You know, people are saying you're going to have resign or not run again or whatever, but that's just nutty. We can pull you through this.
First off, I got a little good news. Yeah, you're the number-one most-blogged-about person in the country right now! And that's official from this Blogpulse.com thing. Yeah, you beat out Harry Potter! He was number one for, like, all summer.
Harry Potter. You, know, the kid wizard in the books? No, no, he's not gay.
Yeah, sure, sure. Most of the blog stuff is pretty negative -- you know, you're a hypocrite, you vote against all the gay rights stuff, blah, blah, blah.
Look, you know what they say, all publicity is good publicity, Larry. Trust me, your name recognition is going through the roof, buddy.
Let's talk strategy here. Now, the first thing I see is that this is old, old stuff. This arrest and guilty plea all happened way back in June for heaven's sake. We say that your enemies are digging into the long, lost past to tarnish your good name. Just like when they tried to say that Bill Clinton smoked dope when he was a college kid or George Bush went AWOL from his military duty when he was a kid. It's all in the past, you've moved on, youthful indiscretion, whatever. Like the kids say, "That's so 12-weeks-ago!"
Now, Larry, I'm looking at the report from the cop who arrested you at the airport. Right, Sgt. Karsnia. Oh yeah, no doubt, he's gay for sure. Probably part of this gang out to get you.
Anyway, this cop says he was in the bathroom stall right next to yours and you started tapping your foot which is, like, a signal "used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct."
That one's easy, Larry. I think you should say you were listening to church hymns on your iPod and tapping to the beat.
iPod, Larry. It's a music thing. No, I know it sounds a little gay, but it's not.
Now, Karsnia says you moved your right foot under the divider so it touched his foot in his stall. In your statement to the cops, you said that was because you have "a wide stance when going to the bathroom." That's a good one, Larry. Let's stick to that -- but, listen, make sure you keep those feet good and far apart every time you go to the bathroom from now on. I mean, every time. Because those darn paparazzi are going to be sneaking around, taking pictures, trying to trip you up. Maybe you should put a note, like, on your belt buckle or something, just so you don't forget.
Ok, now Karsnia says you put your hands under the little divider three times. And you said you were just trying to pick up a piece of paper that fell on the floor. That's good. But the cop says there wasn't any paper on the floor and you didn't pick up any. And besides, your palm was pointing up, not down.
So let's change that paper thing. You say that you were feeling the divider to make sure there weren't any sharp edges where people could cut themselves. You know, a consumer-safety thing. Looking out for the little guy.
Or maybe you could say you like to keep your arms low down and wide apart when you go. Fits right in with the wide-stance thing. But if we go that way with it, you have to do it every time from now on. Remember those paparazzi. Put it on the note.
I know you're sorry now that you pleaded guilty to these crazy charges and you plan to fight, fight, fight. Good for you! America loves a fighter. But you should stop saying you wanted to keep it quiet because you didn't want to feed into all those other reports about you soliciting sex from men. I mean, that just reminds people about those things. Just say we have a crisis with overcrowded courts in this country and you didn't want to be taking up time that could have been spent putting away, you know, drug dealers or terrorists.
Right, or gay people. Exactly.
Look, Larry, just one more thing. You're real clear about this, you're not gay. America gets it. But suppose they believe the cop's story. You know, it's possible because people believe all kinds of crazy things. Then it looks like you're lying. So I'm thinking we need a little wiggle room here. You know, like that "I did not have sex with that woman" thing.
How about we say you're bi-sexual?
Yeah, it sounds gay, Larry, but it's only, like, half gay, sort of. You have a wife and kids and so on, but you, you know....
No, no, you're right. Hard to sell in Idaho. Just a thought.
Well, that's it. You can rest assured we're working on this 24/7.
And, Larry, don't forget to keep those feet apart.
Rich Lewis' e-mail address is rlcolumn@comcast.net
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