Jay Leno: “It’s the hottest day of the year. People are sweating like the men’s room attendant when Senator Larry Craig walked in.”
Leno, on the Jenna Bush engagement: “Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding.”
“If you’d like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell.”
David Letterman: “Larry Craig was arrested in an airport men’s room. It gives new meaning to the word caucusing.”
“Anybody who spends more than two minutes in an airport bathroom is guilty of something.”
“My idea of getting lucky in the men’s room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet.”
“Andy Rooney apparently is in trouble now for making inappropriate remarks in a newspaper column that he does. And I’m thinking, ‘Well gee, I hope CBS doesn’t start getting rid of cranky old guys!’”
On Michael Vick: “They say that this guy went through more dogs than Bill Clinton.”
Conan O’Brien: “Remember Lisa Nowak, she’s the astronaut who put on a diaper?” She plans to plead insanity. “The jury said, ‘Please. You had us at diaper.’”
“Nicole Ritchie went to jail for her DUI conviction this weekend but she only had to spend 82 minutes in prison. This is due to California’s new minute-per-pound rule.”
Jimmy Kimmel, on the Idaho senator: “The police report says he tapped his foot, which means ‘I want gay sex.’ It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again.”
Bill Maher: “Ted Nugent was giving a concert and he held up a machine gun and made veiled threats about Hillary and Barack Obama. I find this shocking. Ted Nugent still has concerts?”
Stephen Colbert: “The undeclared Fred Thompson anti-candidacy juggernaut continues to lazily rumble in the general direction of the White House.”
http://www.kansascity.com/286/story/252695.html
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