What do you do when you are trapped in an abusive relationship? One where you have not the means?

[hang a left]

I am a homemaker in an abusive relationship. It is mostly verbal but it does escalate into physical violence. As a matter of fact, he just kicked me in my thigh because we were having an argument that he could not handle.

It seems to me when he becomes physical it is because he doesn't know how to handle a disagreement that confronts him with his own words or actions. He is too immature to handle a strong, opinionated woman; who may threaten his manness.

However. he worships the ground my youngest son walks on. He gives this boy everything including every second of his time. This child has never had a relationship with his biological father. This man is a dream father... BUT....

He treats me horribly.

I have been unable to work for the past several years and have been forced to endure the abuse.

I don't want advise.

I just need to vent.

Most recently, he was knocking me around on a Tuesday night....

I called 911, but before I could get the last one off he grabbed the phone. I sat on our porch and waited for about 45 minutes hoping that the cops would show up. They didn't.

I decided to leave. Upon returning, he, afraid of going to jail, called 911 ON ME!!

The next thing that happened is the cops show up. I refuse to show them the scabs on my knees from him hitting me in the head and neck and knocking me to the ground. BUT...this SOB has taken his right arm and scraped on our brick fireplace and told the police that I did it.

Long story short they DID take me to jail but never filed charges because they didn't believe him.

I am so trapped, my parents are not able to help me right now. I haven't been able to work for years. And this man who treats my youngest son like gold, abuses me on a daily basis.

[DS1]

1. Since you don't want real advice, I'll have to go with

[hang a left]

3. I don't know who you are but....

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

[candycom]

114. Okay, okay.........

I know you said you didnt want advice but I have to say that you have GOT to get out of this. Im sure you here this all the time from friends, family, anyone who cares about you but I can not stress this enough. YOU NEED TO GET OUT! I work for a law enforcment agency as a dispatcher and it breaks my heart the number of domestics that turn fatal!! We just had one a few weeks ago and it broke my heart! I cried for an hour when I got off of work because there was nothing I could do but listen to her in the back ground! This needs to be prevented before it gets that far. Check out your local YWCA. Call PD, even though they werent that much help last time, and see what options you have as far as hotel vouchers, meal vouchers, etc... seriously girl. I know your thinking of your son and all but isnt it better for him to go with out a dad than to go without his mother? I know its hard but you'll need to consider your options very soon. It doesnt sound like this man can be changed! Just something to think about.

[SharonAnn]

138. It damages your son to know you are abused. It is teaching him it's OK for men to abuse women.

It is teaching him that a woman's role is to passively accept the abuse that a man dishes out. It is teaching him many, many bad things.

BTW, your son is being used as a tool of manipulation against you.

Get out! Get out, now! For both your sake and your son's sake.

[msongs]

2. walk out the door NOW, worry about the "means" later and take the kid with you. try a local

church, maybe somebody there will actually do something to help you.

playing helpless victim will do nothing for you.

Msongs
www.msongs.com

[H2O Man]

21. I agree with

your first two sentences. It's important to get out, and to seek the supports that are out there.

I do not agree with the third sentence. I used to work with many people who were the victims of abuse. Not one played a helpless victim. Being a victim, however, convinces many good people that they are helpless. Being the victim convinces many good people they are worthless. And being a victim of abuse convinces many good people that their situation is hopeless.

Remaining in the situation will probably do some things: it will likely increase in intensity for the victim, and it definitely creates an unhealthy atmosphere for any child(ren) in an abusive household.

Msongs is on target about finding the people who will provide the needed support. It is difficult for many people when their extended family either can not or will not be there for them. But there are others who will.

[wildhorses]

4. i walked out the door

WALKED out...did NOT know where i was going to lay my head that night. you do your thing. i did mine.

[silverweb]

5. Been there, done that.

Twice. Many, many years ago. Never ever again.

You ask, "What do you do...," but then say you don't want advice.

There is always a way out if you really want it, but you have to make up your own mind to do everything that's necessary.

[Mandate My Ass]

6. I'm so sorry he abuses you

You said you don't want advice but here goes anyway: get the hell out of there. Things will only get worse. Your son would be better off with just you than with an abuser as a role model. Most communities have shelters for these kinds of situations and I'd gladly help you find one rather than think of you being abused daily. Been there and done that myself.

Peace.

[goclark]

78. Get out! Been there, done that and know it will not get better

You have too much living to do and are a precious gift.

Get out and get out NOW!

[shraby]

7. Find the nearest women's shelter and

go there. They will help you find a way to get peace of mind and body.
Take your children with you..they are being abused by having to see you physically abused. Not a good situation for them..many abusive husbands have watched their fathers in action when they were small.

[hang a left]

13. I love ya Shraby...

I have followed your posts for years.

A shelter is just not an option.

[salin]

49. I haven't yet read down thread... so maybe you answer this below

but why is it not an option?

He may treat your youngest like gold, but your youngest is learning to treat women abusively and that it is acceptable. You could be condemning this child to not being able to have a healthy relationship in his future.

[lumberjack_jeff]

82. It's not an option. It's an obligation. n/t

[demnan]

8. what kind of example does he set for your son?

if your son perceives this kind of behavior is ok, how will he treat his wife?

you know what to do.

[hang a left]

11. He never does this in front of my son

the physical violence anyway

He only hits me when my kid is asleep or not looking.

However, he has said the most awful things to me in front of him.

[Hoof Hearted]

36. So your son will never know? Nuh-uh. You know better than that.

Verbal abuse of you in front of your son IS ABUSE OF YOUR SON, not just you.

As others have said, you KNOW what you need to do, so do it.

If you allow your son to continue to be abused, you are complicit. Are you comfortable with that?

Get him out of this abusive situation.

[Mnemosyne]

63. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? It is easy to be on the outside

and know exactly what to do, but if you are in the abuse it affects everything. It is your life, and while horrible, it becomes familiar and "safe" in a way. Weird as that sounds. The unknown becomes more frightening than the abuse in a way.

:hi:

[Hoof Hearted]

110. Yes. Twenty years past the last of my broken teeth were extracted last week.

Is that good enough for you?

I'm familiar. When it was "just me", I was subject to everything you mention, a perfect page from the text but. . . .

I cannot, and will not ever condone the behavior of any woman (or once in a blue moon, man) who allows her CHILDREN to be abused.

[Mnemosyne]

134. It has nothing to do with condoning it, Hoof, it is a matter of .

understanding a 'normal' reaction/action to abuse and the reaction of someone that has been beaten down.

Have you forgotten what it was like? I haven't, and I was a child of an abused mother, as well as ending up in a few abusive relationships before I found the strength and self-worth to end the pattern.

I do not appreciate your implication that I would condone a woman "allowing" her child to be abused. It isn't all a black and white decision when your vision is cloudy from fear and abuse, it just isn't.

I am truly sorry you suffered at a monster's hands, but it still gives you NO right to be so judgmental of hang a left.

[Mnemosyne]

37. Your boy hears, whether he is awake or even just his subconscious

he hears and knows. Kids are very resilient.

My Mom believed the same thing, I heard it all. Mom still makes excuses for him, "It only happened once a month or so." He had to make her almost deaf in one ear and beat her face half in before she found the strength to leave. This was in the early 1960's.

I allowed many people to abuse me for years before I really understood what was happening and fought hard to end the pattern of abusive relationships.

My ex- used to beat me with a belt, until I got a bat. When I finally left him, I was 4 months pregnant with my first and only child, had $30, no shelters and was a thousand miles from home. He found me at a motel and beat me again. Luckily the cops were called and got me to the bus the next day safely.

There were no shelters in 1978, that I was aware of, where I was living nor where I moved back too. My Mom allowed him to move in with us! They decided we needed to get married because, "Can't have a bastard kid." I married him April Fool's Day 1979 and sent him packing 6 days later.

A very good loving smart man, until the abuse started when he became a pill junkie. He committed suicide finally in 1985. Our daughter was 6.

I will love him though until the day I die, just could not live with him.

It wasn't easy to leave, but I've learned that everything, and I do mean everything, resolves itself one way or another, sooner or later. When the bad outweighs the good it is my cue to exit.

Your choice is all there is now. You'll know when it's time to do what you need to do for you and your son.

Stay safe. Please.:hug:

Let us know how you are also, please.

:hug:

[salin]

51. The verbal violence is what teaches acceptable contempt

for a spoouse (or girlfriend). Without the attitude and anger, there is no physical violence that occurs later.

[Blue_In_AK]

80. Your child will know.

My ex tried not to hit me in front of the kids, too, but they knew, even though he never struck them. My youngest daughter would barely speak to me from the time she was 11 until she moved out at 18 because she was so angry with me for not doing "something" about the situation. She's 21 now, and we're only just beginning to talk about all the pain she suffered as an adolescent knowing what I was enduring.

[shraby]

99. Believe me, your son will remember

the things your husband has said to you and he will possibly grow up with a lot less respect for you not only for letting this go on, but he may begin to believe as true the things your husband is saying to you. I have no idea why you say a shelter is not an option, but if you went to one you'd find out why it certainly should be your first option. Once out..don't look back, but be sure you take your children with you. That's very important. Without you to abuse, he may turn on the children because they are there and less powerful than he is.

[defendandprotect]

9. Violence will only increase, so you figure it out --

[Richard Steele]

10. Bear in mind, this isn't just about YOU.

Unless something changes, your son will grow up
to be just like him. That's how the "role model"
thing works.

I recommend Wildhorse's advice, from her post above.

Do what you have to do NOW, figure out the "how" later. :hug:

[crim son]

12. Uh.

Money isn't everything and it isn't anything if you're dead. You have nothing with this man. I don't get it, but I think he does.

[hang a left]

18. Thank you...

I don't think he will kill me.

Just terrorise me.

[cali]

32. My dear, I know you said that you didn't want advice

but I do want to say a couple of things. First of all, do you know how many women have said that? I'm sure you do. But putting that aside, IT ABSOLUTELY SUCKS TO BE TERRIFIED. It sucks to walk on eggshells. It sucks to hide that one's being abused. It is incredibly dehabilitating physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm sure you know that too. What's more, the situation is bad for your son. Kids pick up on stuff. They just always do.

I ache for you. I've been where you are. I've cried buckets over it.
I've been a victim and victim advocate. It's not going to get better. Please seek some help in your community.

[notadmblnd]

14. My husband and I got physical one time only

Can't even remember what he was angry about now, but he slammed my head into the wall in the dining room. I went to reach for the phone to call 911 and he pushed me down into the china cabinet and my arm went through the door. When I got up, I said ok, motherfucker, my turn. I grabbed him by the collar, threw him off balance down on the kitchen floor and jumped on top of him and just as I was beginning to wail on his face he suddenly said "we got to stop." He never touched me again.

You don't want advice, so I won't give it to you, but there are crisis centers for abused women that will help.

[hang a left]

22. Well good for you!!

I applaud you!!

Unfortunately for me my husband is 6'2" and weighs in at about 250.

I am 5'2" and weigh about 110.

I don't really have any chance going toe to toe with him.

[mitchtv]

29. then tell him he'd better not

fall asleep again,or he'll wake uo in hell

[Mnemosyne]

39. I used that line myself a couple times, long ago. A baseball bat is

a great equalizer.

[mitchtv]

43. two of my sisters have had these sort of problems

I supplied the testimony for the divorce for one. the other sister worked it out ( as her sons grew larger than the old man) and she told him the baseball bat theory.

[Mnemosyne]

56. Anyone smart, without a gun, knows to stay away

from a freaked out, pissed off, hurt, shamed woman with a bat.

The shame is often a factor when a woman, or man, stays in an abusive relationship. My next younger sister has a real dick for a spouse, but will never leave him just to prove she can last in a marriage. :crazy: They are * funnymentalists and not happy people. Go figure.

I'm happy you could help your one sister out. She is so lucky, I really had no one. Sounds as if your other sister has some spunk there! Funny how abusive guys can be 'persuaded' to 'back off' when their kids outweigh them.

My dear ex-FIL was the chief of police in a small Alabama town, 1970's. He told me of "a tiny red-headed woman" that was always getting the hell beat out of her by her drunken husband, "a big ole guy". The cops would calm things down, but she would never press charges.

One night my FIL received a call from an officer that was laughing his ass off.

They had answered a call to the same house, but this time the hubby had gotten drunk, passed out and she sewed him up in the bedspread and "took a two-by-four to his sorry ass". Beat him bloody.

He didn't file charges and never touched her again.

He was one lucky man.

[StarryNite]

70. I was thinking of a gun.

Whatever it takes to defend yourself. But that can be avoided by getting the hell out of there now!

[Mnemosyne]

73. Not real comfortable with guns,

unless she needed one after leaving.

[tnlefty]

62. He's gotta go to sleep sometime has always been my motto!

My grandmother's sister was horribly abused for years, and she would call the police and they would tell her that they couldn't do anything about him as long as he was in the house (this was in he 50's). She put up with it, and I don't know why, but she did until one night their 7 year old son was crying and screaming and tried to get between them. Her husband hit their son so hard that he raised him up off of the floor, bounced him off of the wall, and when he went to hit him again my great aunt picked up the dining room chair and she went nuts.

She broke the chair, broke his ribs, an arm, etc, then drug him out into the middle of the street and called the cops to tell them that he wasn't in the house anymore. I don't believe that this type of escalation should happen either. My great aunt was always gentle, with a wry sense of humor and I was shocked when my grandmother told me about this a few years ago.

Abusing you verbally is abusive to your son, and please don't keep thinking that he won't turn on your son at some point.

Begin making plans to get out.

Take care of yourself. :hug:

[alphafemale]

71. ...she drug him out into the middle of the street...

"...and called the cops to tell them that he wasn't in the house anymore." :rofl:

That's great family folklore. That tale ought to be told for generations. :applause:

[tnlefty]

81. My sons were with me when she was telling this,

and they were horrified at what she was telling about all of the abuse that my great aunt endured and that law enforcement wouldn't do a damned thing to help her for years.

My great aunt even told the cops that he was unconscious in the middle of the road so they'd better hurry up and get him out of the street before he was run over. :rofl: They asked many questions later so at least they learned something.

edited to add: I had a conversation with a neighbor of mine who I'm friendly with who has daughters. She asked me how I had 3 male children and I'm not a proponent of physically disciplining kids (this was when they were much younger). I responded that I did many other things because I didn't want them to get the idea that you can control behavior by hitting, they'll get older, and I don't want them to have the idea that they can smack around a girlfriend or a wife later on, or anyone that they may be in relationships with.

[hang a left]

100. Don't you love it??

You forgot to mention she kicked his ass before she left him out in the street for the trash collector.

[Ms. Toad]

137. Take a street fighting class

and learn to use his height and weight against him.

[scarletwoman]

15. If you don't want "advise" (sic), why did you post this? What DO you want?

Seriously, what is your reason for posting this?

Any rational person is going to respond to your story by saying: "Well, for fuck sakes get away from that asshole!" I suspect you already know this or you wouldn't have posted that you didn't want "advise" (sic).

The rational part of yourself already knows that you are in a fucked up situation and that you should do whatever it takes to change it -- but you don't want to hear that from someone else.

Fear is the biggest trap. If you are more fearful of change than you are of abuse, then I guess you'll just have to stay where you are.

sw

[Mnemosyne]

42. I believe

she simply needed to hear she is cared about and matters.

:hug:

[shaniqua6392]

16. I am so sorry.

I was trapped in an abusive relationship years ago. I was 21 years old with a 3 year old daughter. No high school diploma. No job. I left because I knew that what my daughter was seeing would alter her life. She would most likely end up with an abuser. Your son sees how you are treated. He has extremely high odds of becoming an abuser himself later in life. I ran out the door with her on one hip with only my purse. I did have to live with my Mom for a while. I had to file for welfare and rented a house. I cleaned houses and earned my GED. I signed up for community college with the help of a Pell Grant. Then I went to a local university. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I survived and so did my beautiful daughter who is now 26 years old. I guess I did it more to save her than myself in the beginning. The abuse started out as verbal and then escalated to physical violence over time. I knew if I did not leave I would end up dead. I would suggest reading as much as you can on domestic violence. Try going to therapy. See if he will go to therapy with you. I did that for years through the local Lutheran Social Services and only had to pay a few dollars a visit. When you do research on the subject, you will realize that you are not alone. Many women suffer in these kinds of relationships. I know how you feel. So helpless.... But you need to find your inner strength. It is the best gift you can give your son. Show him that women are equal and deserve to be treated with respect by demanding respect for yourself. The fact that your husband treats your son so well and yet treats you so badly is not sending a good message to your son. I really am sorry for your pain. Please keep us posted and let DU know if we can be of any help. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. May you find peace in your life soon.

[hang a left]

33. Thank you so much for your words...

I am speechless

[Mnemosyne]

44. shaniqua, you said it much better than I did.

I am glad you are safe now. :hug:

My daughter is 29, a single mother and a student. Amazing how much the spirit can survive. :)

Namaste dear woman. :hug:

[marions ghost]

48. beautiful story and best advice

--if only hang a left will take inspiration from it.

Hang a left--you had the courage to post here. That shows you have an instinct for survival. So you want to end this. You're just about ready to-- Now do it. There is support out there. Don't go it alone.

[TheDebbieDee]

17. I have been where you are now............

I finally got away from my husband (or rather, he was hospitalized and kept away from me) 18 years ago.

We had two little girls at the time and they don't remember any of it so I guess I got us away in time for them.

But I don't think I got away in time for me.

The longer you stay, the harder it will be for you to heal if you ever get away.

Also, remember that your son is learning how to treat women by watching the way his father treats you..............

[Name removed]

Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[hang a left]

34. I love it...

however I have watch those CSI reruns. I need to get the forensics down.

[Ghost in the Machine]

19. Leave. Right. Now! Don't wait, don't hesitate. Leave. Now!

Your son will grow up thinking this is the normal way to treat a woman. Get away, any way you can. I don't know where you are, but I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that someone here would come pick you up and help you out in a heartbeat.

You didn't want advice, but are you willing to accept help?

[trashcanistanista]

20. You can press charges and get him out.

Buy a gun. Get a restraining order. Call a lawyer and get a divorce. Take the house, sell it and you have means to do whatever you want. Not giving advice here, but I think that's what I would do.

[merh]

23. You think your child doesn't know, but he knows.

and he will see that women are to be talked badly too, to be verbally abused.

It will be all he knows, you are setting the pattern for him and for his future girlfriends/wife.

You cannot afford to stay.

Not for you and not for him.

The cycle has to stop and you are the only one that can stop it now.

You are in my prayers as is your son.

:hug:

Contact information - call them and ask them what to do http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/contact.htm

[Gormy Cuss]

54. I concur and I can't say it any better than merh.

Her son will pick up on a lot more of this than she realizes and she probably don't want him to grow up to be the same kind of man.

To the OP:
Get him out of this situation as soon as you can. You can survive it with an adult's perspective but he deserves a better role model. Hell, even no role model beats having an abusive one.

Best of luck to you. Whatever you do it will be hard but remember that you do not deserve this treatment and your son doesn't deserve an adoring father at this cost.

[supernova]

24. Take your kid and leave now!

Seriously. Don't put up with it a minute longer. You can figure out how to earn money when you are away from him.

The problem is the abuse never stops; it only escalates.

If there isn't a women's shelter nearby , ask at a church or the Salvation Army if you can at least stay there for the weekend. Hell, sleep in the mall if you have to. Anywhere with your sanity in tact would be far better than what you have now.

These assholes don't understand No!, or Stop! or even You're hurting me! They only understand voilence directed at them or sheer desertion.

And you're not doing your kid any favors by staying their either. The step father may treat him like gold, but he's learning that women are to be abused and harrassed, not cherished and loved.

I walked away from an emotionally abusive marriage 10 years ago. Best thing I ever did.

[parasim]

25. Well, fas far as I'm concerned, he is NOT a "dream father"

For me, a dream father teaches by example. He teaches love and compassion. And by this teaching he shows his love.

This man you speak of, in my opinion, is nowhere near any sort of dream father. Not even close. If it were me, I'd get my son far away from a manipulator like that as soon as possible.

[Mnemosyne]

58. Excellent points and advice, parasim. Exactly right. n/t

[pitohui]

26. you are going to have to leave whether you have finances or not

this is too much like the vince marinello story to suit my tastes, he steals from the woman, beats her, then has her arrested for abusing him, and now he has murdered her

this is a local case of a popular radio personality in southeast louisiana, who shot his wife stone cold dead, on video tape, and he is still under "house arrest" and not in jail

meanwhile he slams his wife as an abuser, the woman that he hunted down and killed outside her therapist's office (he did not know there was a video camera in the parking lot, that's why his dirty deed is on tape)

do you understand what i am saying? this man is destroying all your chances, he is willing to lie about you, he is willing to put you in prison for something you didn't do, he's willing to beat you...there is nothing left for him to do except kill you because he doesn't seem to have a conscience

i think you need to run somewhere, anywhere, and worry about getting a job later

there is a labor shortage on the gulf coast for unskilled workers like cashiers, you might think of coming down here, i guess

also, and don't laugh, but a friend of mine actually got college loan money to go back to school in her fifties and she's doing terrifically well, she's got grants now to go on and get a ph.D. student loan money isn't a lot but it's something and it could eventually lead to a career later -- so even if you are older, it is never too late - you may think "well, i could never pay off the loan," but you're surviving today and it's a chance at a future -- right now the person who is supposed to love and protect you is gunning to either seriously injure or kill you or to put you in prison, that's no chance at all

you've got to do something, this guy is escalating dangerously and you know it

[BlackVelvet04]

27. I'm sorry you don't want any advice......

by venting what you really do is make yourself feel somewhat better for the short term which possibly keeps you from actually doing something to get out of the situation.

When anyone lives with an emotionally sick person such as an abuser, alcoholic or drug user, they, too, become sick. They think in unhealthy ways.

Why your husband is abusive is immaterial. The fact he adores your youngest son is immaterial. He's sick and abusive and that's the bottom line. There is no "but".....he's an abuser.

You have two choices......stay and be a victim and thus make your children victims or take responsibility for your safety and your children and get out of the situation. It doesn't take money as much as it takes courage.

There is only one way to deal with a physically abusive spouse and that's to leave.

[frogcycle]

28. my sister stayed in a relationship like this

for some fifteen years. Mostly verbal, but occasional shoving, I suspect more. Also really wierd sex stuff - groups and such that she didn't want to do but was intimidated into. She finally took the kids and left. She had no clue what she was going to do when she left, got a job driving a truck delivering snacks to gas stations. She scraped by, raised the kids herself, got a graduate degree, became a counselor. Kids are now grown, both fine people, she recently got married to a great guy. IT CAN BE BETTER!

[Hoof Hearted]

30. I got out - and as a mom I MUST say. . . For your son's sake

GET OUT.

He IS NOT A "DREAM FATHER"

if he is abusing that wonderful little boy's mother, is he?

You know damn good and well the answer to that.

Is this what you want to teach your son about love? about women and how to treat them? about self-respect? about healthy relationships?

It is your moral obligation and DUTY as his mother to remove him from such a dangerous (YES it IS dangerous to him - even if he hasn't been beat - YET) and disfunctional siuation.

Hell yes it's a scary thing to embark on, and hell yes it's hard but this is where the rubber meets the road and you find out you're stronger than you thought you were.

You have a decision to make.

What is more important? Your fear of the unknown or your son and his future?

[MissB]

31. Today, I went to the grocery store.

As I was walking in, I heard the snippet of conversation from the couple walking behind me. The guy was calling the woman stupid, telling her she was an idiot, wondering aloud how she managed to walk across the road on her own. She walked over to get a cart as he walked into the store. He grabbed a cart by the door and yelled at her to forget it, he got one. She hurried to keep up with him. I just glared at him and felt bad for the woman. I can only imagine what he says to her in private.

Tonight, I told my dh what I'd heard. Then I told him that I love him and that he is the most wonderful husband ever. In reality, someone else probably holds that title but in my eyes he rocks.

There are men out there that aren't abusive, that value women and don't demean them or hit them.

I hope that you find one someday. This one, well, he isn't the one for you. Or for your son. It doesn't matter how he treats your son. It matters how he treats your whole family. To abuse you just shows your son that a woman doesn't need to be respected and that she can be mistreated and kicked in the shins.

:hug:

[roody]

35. When he kills you, you won't be trapped anymore.

Then what will happen to your son?

[StarryNite]

79. Blunt...

but true.

[kimmylavin]

38. What do you do?

You get OUT.

You're having an argument that he can't handle, so he KICKS you?
He treats you horribly?
You endure abuse?
He knocks you around?
He takes the phone from you when you try to call for help?

Those police officers who didn't believe your husband's "injury" came from you - they'd be my first stop.

Take your kids the hell out of there.
There are "means" out there for women in your situation.
You say yourself that you are "strong", so for God's sake, prove it.

I wish you speed, strength and luck.

[derby378]

40. There IS a good man for you and your son - but you won't find him unless you GET OUT

I'd like to think I was a decent husband to ginbarn, and she's been through some hell of her own before I came into the picture. Get out. Take your son. Find help. And if he comes after you, have a gun handy and know how to shoot. You may think I am kidding, but I am not. I am a Quaker who believes that true peace only exists in the presence of freedom and dignity. Ask yourself if he's denying you both your freedom and your dignity. You know what to do. Good luck.

[begin_within]

41. Make it look like an accident.

[msedano]

45. do you read?

first, you have my complete support in any action you want to take to rid yourself of this ongoing menace. is there no women's shelter you can flee to?

the reason i ask about reading, there's a novel called America's Dream by Esmeralda Santiago. A woman in Puerto Rico marries an asshole like your male companion. an abusive coward so wrapped up in his own pain and unable to accept personal responsibility, that he blames everything on "his woman." beats the crap out of her. she flees to the mainland. takes a job cleaning houses as a live-in maid on long island. the asshole discovers her address. he stalks her. when the employers are out of the house, he invades their residence in an effort to kick the living sh*t out of the woman who had the courage and character and desperation to abandon him.

so she kills him.


http://labloga.blogspot.com
http://readraza.com

[Horse with no Name]

46. I'm sorry for your predicament

and of course it is never easy.
Only you know when "enough is enough"...sounds like you might be posting this to gain some moral support to do what you know you need to do.
That is great!
You say you cannot work...but can you learn a trade to work from home?
Your son deserves better (but you know that).
I would find a family member or a long-lost relative or friend who can loan you a couch and a sleeping bag for a few months until you can figure out how to land on your feet.
You can apply for food stamps, you can apply for child support help on your child.
It isn't much, but it's enough to get started on and enough so that you wouldn't be a burden staying with someone who already has tight finances.
Right now, short term is as long as you should plan on.
Good luck!

[rucky]

47. This is texbook.

not to trivialize it, but to show you that you're not alone.

it usually ends three ways, and only one of those ways is a happy ending...

LEAVE HIM.

[canetoad]

50. I can dig your need to vent

and why would you want advice? You already know what it will be.

So the only thing I can say is you must stay and keep putting up with the abuse - until you find that tiny shred of self-respect, the wee, small voice that nags away at you, and says NO MORE FUCKING EXCUSES.

Something, someone, damaged you. So much that you believe you deserve no better than this. So while you are venting, take a little time to examine why you believe you deserve so little respect. Why you put up with bullying, for my friend, that is what is happening to you.

How can you expect a different outcome if you keep on doing the same thing?

I don't do this often, but despite my harsh words, I'm wishing you strength, resolution and support.

[CelticWinter]

52. Your not alone----

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
This is the number for the national domestic violence hotline please use it or check out their site for more information. If you dont do this for yourself do this for your son, your hubby is teaching him how NOT to be a man but how to be an abuser. Thinking he wont kill you, think again everyday that you stay there is a day closer to him hurting you severely or killing you.
Every year in the United States, 1000 to 1600 women die at the hands of their male partners, often after a long, escalating pattern of battering. The estimated number of deaths due to intimate partner violence does not include those women who kill themselves to exit violent relationships, or who die homeless on the streets avoiding batterers.
http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/jr000250g.pdf
Get to a women's shelter, they can help you find housing, a job, even relocation, please dont be a statistic.
Blessings
Celtic

[orleans]

53. YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO THAT CHILD OF YOURS

to do the right thing by not putting him in danger and exposing him to an abusive relationship.

that motherfucker could have had you charged with ABANDONMENT! the next time you decide to leave you'd better take your kid.

i'm sorry your life sucks

i'm sorry you're in such a fucked position

you know you don't deserve it (or do you?)

either way, your little boy doesn't deserve it

this asshole treats your kid good? sounds like he goes through the "honeymoon" stage with your child -- you know, where abusers beat the crap out of their women and then turn around and buy them flowers to make up for it. if he's not honeymooning with you he's doing it with your child. SICK. SICK. SICK.

time to get your credit cards, your medicine, your checkbook, your phone book, your cell, the baby book, birth certificates, 2 suitcases of clothes (one for you and one for the kid)
TAKE A BUS
TAKE A TRAIN
TAKE THE CAR
TAKE A FUCKING DEEP BREATH AND DIVE RIGHT IN

there is another life, just waiting for you to start it.
don't you hear it?
can't you imagine it?
it's calling to you--louder and louder--with each verbal attack--with each hit and kick and slap

you were not destined to stay and suffer

any relatives or friends out of state? IT'S TIME FOR A VISIT.

the good news is the sun rises every fucking day
and life is filled with adventures
go have yourself one


my favorite quote by james baldwin:
for nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. the sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. the moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

you don't have to stay.
just hold your little boy close and fly.
don't let the sea engulf you
don't let that light go out!

don't forget to pm me when you relocate so i can cheer for you.

"dinner's in the fridge. i had to run out."


(you're stronger than you think! come on, you're a du'er! wish i had a bigger house--i'd tell you to get to illinois!)

--and sorry for the lecture/advice. my excuse: i just needed to vent. because it kills me to hear stories like this. (please don't put me on ignore)

we love you. we want you safe. and happy. and safe. and happy. and safe. because we love you.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mnemosyne]

59. So many great posts here, wish I could recommend many of them.

:hug:

Beautiful post orleans.

[orleans]

87. hang a left--you said this boy was your "youngest" son

what about your other children? where are they? how does he treat them?

[hang a left]

104. Oldest boy is in college....-

wants to kill my partner.

[Hoof Hearted]

113. If your oldest boy is that old then you are old enough to know better.

As an abuse survivor, I must say my sympathy is fading.

You are not being fair to either of your children, neither are you taking responsibiliy, or being the ADULT. Don't relish in your sons urge to protect you ........ that's NOT HIS JOB.

[undergroundpanther]

55. Men like him I would delight

In just blowing his brains out with a shotgun.

Pigs like him are so beneath you.

And truthfully I am scared he may be teaching your son that abusing women is manly and ok.

There is nothing manly about abusive men.They are wastes of skin.They all need to stop abusing or die as for as I am concerned.I wish you could get out.I wish you were taught boundaries and how not to enable and what an abusive male is .
I wish you were safe. I wish your son was not influenced by such a scumbag father.

I hate what is happening to you and your son.
I hate your husband I hope he dies soon, real soon May the universe make him be hit by a truck anything to remove him from life..
If you want it.. here is a site that may be useful.
http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/?hop=chriswight
And GET THE FUCK OUT of there ASAP,And take YOUR son with you..
Help is here .
http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/programs.htm
a hotline
http://www.snbw.org/
http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/about_dv/fss/helpers.html

[hang a left]

105. Wow, so passionate.

I feel ya UGP. I wish it was that easy. But I just love the warm feeling of protection I felt from reading your post. Thanks so much.

[Fierce]

57. If you love your son, get yourself and him out.

Every day you stay, you are teaching your son that women are meant to be yelled at and kicked around.

[StarryNite]

60. He isn't treating your child like gold

if he is treating you like shit.

[Mandate My Ass]

61. The youngest is being singled out for special attention & treatment

because he is most likely to give this creep what passes for unconditional, unquestioning love. AT this age its probably easy for the boy to idealize someone who singles him out so positively. But she said himself he can't handle being confronted without lashing out physically.

The first time that little kid looks at him with anger or contempt or dares to ask him why he treats his mother so shabbily, he will get the back of that man's hand imprinted on his face. You can bank on it.

[Lorien]

67. I doubt that is the reason. Lundy Bancroft, America's foremost authority

on abusive men, would likely say that the abuser is being very calculating here. He knows that the child is young enough to be "molded". He is putting on the act of "dream father" to A). make it difficult for her to leave (guilt), and B). to have a future ally . The boy will take HIS side when the abuse escalates. He'll take his side in a courtroom, he may even join him in the abuse. This is classic abuser behavior; to act as a paragon of virtue with everyone who is close to the situation so that his spouse thinks she's gone mad. If he's Mr. Wonderful aren't I just blowing things out of proportion? Wouldn't it be hard to leave, as everyone else says he's a real catch? Maybe it's all in my head? The man doesn't want love, he wants complete control.

[Mandate My Ass]

72. I'd be the last one to argue with an expert

and what you say makes total sense, but I raised a son and I know how protective they are of their mothers, especially with men who are not their biological fathers.

It could go either way, but I'd be willing to bet that the attention he lavishes on that boy now will stop, or turn ugly, if the kid ever confronts him.

[hang a left]

88. Wow. That gave me the chills. nt

[StarryNite]

68. Yes

It's a very dangerous situation and the abuse usually escalates. How many women have wound up dead at the hands of an abusive husband? And it normally began with a smack or a punch here and there. Time is not on her side.

[hang a left]

106. OMG.

You are probably right regarding the unconditional love. And I do expect that eventually he will stick up for his mother. His older brother hates my mate and would like to kick his ass up one side and down the other. I have had to call him off.

[Lorien]

108. Did you see the recent episode of Oprah about domestic abuse?

A woman's abuse was being videotaped by her OLDEST SON who was encouraged to call her things like "worthless whore" by his father. You could hear the son in the background saying things like "the whore deserves it" when the father would kick his wife. It was chilling. Go up to her website, the video may still be there: www.oprah.com

If he wants unconditional love he should get a dog. I really don't believe that his desire is for unconditional love at all, but rather to manipulate and control your son in a way that will lead to a further manipulation and control of you. We always want to believe that what our abusers really desire is love (perhaps it's projection) but the sad truth is that what they actually desire is complete dominance and control over another human being.

[Danieljay]

130. He's not treating your son like Gold, the worthless puke of a husband is using him to feel better

about his own sorry ass for being abusive.

If you really love your son as much as you say you do, get the EFF out already. Call the womens crisis line. There IS help.

[Lorien]

64. The answer is here:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-0439729-2811363?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189221760&sr=8-1

From Publishers Weekly
This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike. Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," he writes. "I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself." He maintains this level of sensitivity and even empathy throughout discussions on the nature of abusive thinking, how abusive men manipulate their families and the legal system and whether or not they can ever be cured. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft's book promises to be a beacon of calm and sanity for many storm-tossed families.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal
Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems. Bancroft extends his approach to problematic gay and lesbian relationships as well, making the book that much more useful and empowering. This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs. Dale Farris, Groves, TX
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From what you have described your SO is very much a typical abuser. He even employed the common "but she's the one abusing ME" tactic with the police. You won't go more than a chapter or two without recognizing him in the text. The facts are clear:

He will never change-except to get worse-unless HE desires change. Even then less then 15% of all abusers ever stop abusing.

He knows exactly what he's doing. It's not insecurity, it's a fundamental disrespect for women that drives his actions. He gets an emotional high from his power over you. The high is worth more to him than you OR your children. It's like a drug.

Even if you think your children don't see or here his abuse, believe me, he is teaching your son(s) to do EXACTLY the same thing to the future women in THEIR lives.

The last few chapters of the above book will tell you exactly how to get out of this relationship, regardless of your means. Many resources are presented. Read the reviews from readers on Amazon. You are not alone. Many of us have been through the same. Please, don't waste another hour more than you must exposing yourself to his sadism.


:hug:

[hang a left]

90. lorien...your post was so priceless...

I cannot thank you enough.

hang a left

[Lorien]

95. You already have

PM me if you ever need to talk. I've been there. And he's still near by, he still tries to reel me back in....so I know how crazy making it all is. I truly do.

:hug: :loveya:

[canetoad]

102. Some points I would add

though I agree strongly with everything you say.

There is a danger in continuing to allow the abuser to be the focus of the relationship. Victim groups are rife on the net, sharing experiences of passive/aggressives, violents, bi-polars etc etc. you name it, there is a group of people who have suffered the consequences of it.

It perpetuates victimhood. Safety is to be found in the arms of those who understand you. Sometimes they just may not be the most sensible people to have around. Why is there such a fucking focus on UNDERSTANDING the abusers?

Is there not a time you can stand up and say 'This is about ME?' Fuck this attitude that women must show tolerance/forgiveness/compassion to their abusers.

[Lorien]

107. The book I suggested does not advocate tolerance/ forgivness/ or

compassion for the abusers, but it does identify 17 popular myths about abusive men that have lead to that sort of attitude in the past. Understanding why they abuse is important, though, because the underlying cause is their sense of entitlement and their deeply held belief that the person they are abusing is worth less than they are. Once the victim understands that it's his BELIEFS that are at the core of his abusive behavior and NOT something she has done or not done, or some trauma in his past that can be healed, or something that he just can't control, then she can look at the situation with a new perspective that, hopefully, will give her the strength to leave.

[robinlynne]

65. Abuse never gets better. It only gets worse. Don't pretend it will be better

tomorrow. Make the changes you need to make. You're going to need to find the courage way down deep. It is not easy, but life with an abuser is worse. There is life out there, without him. With faith in yourself you can do it.

[mopinko]

66. he is grooming your son. to be on his side against you.

to piss on you together. is that what you want?

[Little Star]

123. Grooming.....

Makes my mind wonder about other types of grooming. The attention payed upon this young male child sends shivers down my back. Maybe I'm wrong but maybe I'm right. Just one womens intuition after reading about this man's very abnormal behavior. Something is wrong in this picture and I have a feeling its not just about spousal abuse.

[Katherine Brengle]

69. Please leave. This is not advice. I am begging you.

Please. For yourself and for your son.

There are other options. Sometimes they are just very hard to see.

[fed-up]

74. what is stopping you? there is welfare /medi-cal/ foodstamps/ women's shelters

and many other resources

Your son really, really needs you to find the strength and the courage to ask strangers for help. Most workers in a shelter have been through what you are going through. The living hell the child will go through as he gets older and has more awareness of what is going on between the two of you, the more damaged his self-esteem and over all personality will be. He will repeat the cycle of violence if it is not broken. He will always wonder why you did not get him and yourself out of the violent situation. How will you explain to him that you chose not to leave?

Maybe the abuse is only directed at you right now, but how will you feel when you come home and your son has unexplained injuries? How will you explain to your son that you knew the man was abusive, but that you left him alone with him anyways???


I finally left my son's abusive father, not only was he abusive towards me, but for some unknown reason one night while cooking dinner I heard that my 3 month old son had stopped crying. I walked into the bedroom and his father had his hands around his throat.


I somehow managed to raise him with only very sporadic child support.

I am just so grateful that the last time he had visitation was when my son was about 2 or 3.

Four years ago the father committed suicide.

The relief I felt after my son's father's suicide was immense, knowing that I never again would have to worry that he would try to be a part of my son's life and then possibly be violent towards him.


there is help out there, it is up to you to get it

please don't let this go on for years and then force your son to be the one to get you out of this mess. You are the adult in this situation.

There is NO ACCEPTABLE excuse for violence....

[StarryNite]

75. Just be careful!

A couple of years ago my cousin and his wife split up. She came over to get some things and something went terribly wrong. Nobody will know what happened because my cousin snapped and killed her then himself. Luckily the kids were at school. Unfortunately it was one of them who found them when he came home from school. My cousin had never been violent. They were "good churchgoing people".

So please be careful. Your husband obviously has mental problems or he wouldn't do what he does to you. Get out and NEVER go back. Take what you can and forget about the rest.

[Blue_In_AK]

76. I've been in your shoes...

...and stayed in them for almost 20 years before I finally managed to get away. I know you're not asking for advice, but please, please try to end this relationship. Life is really too short to take this kind of abuse. It won't be easy, but it's necessary.

[begin_within]

77. You may want to visit this forum and copy your post to it - it's a GREAT forum

Great forum here:
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=32

Articles here:
http://www.enotalone.com/92-1.html

Hope things get better very soon!

[Honeycombe8]

83. He's trying to turn your son against you, is my opinion.

Saw this on a show about domestic abuse...the one where the abusive husband had the son videotape the abuse. That stupid act was the evidence, it turns out, that landed the hubby a long stint in prison, once the Judge saw the tape.

The abusive husband gradually turned the 3 kids against the mother, even though they loved her.

No one respects someone who does not respect herself. The son may grow up disrespecting you for your weakness, as well as other women. It may not be logical, but that's the way it is. The son certainly wouldn't look to a weak person to lean on in the future, or to ask advice from.

In order to be a good mother, you must respect yourself. You teach by example, not by words. Would you want your son to stand around and let himself be beaten up, hit on, pushed around by anyone? Show him how a responsible person acts under such a situation.

You are not really trapped by the circumstances. You know what to do. You just don't want to do it....yet. I can imagine it's hard, just to think about what has to be done. There are shelters. You know that. You mentioned work, so you must know how to do something to make a living. You are trapped by your indecision about moving out.

When you decide to leave the situation, make a plan and stick to it. Don't tell the abusive husband. Don't talk about it at all, except to trusted friends (if you have any...but I suspect your husband has seen to it that you don't). Then be calm and cool...and silently move toward your goal, and follow your plan. Visualize yourself in your new surroundings, your new situation. Working, in a small apartment, your son coming and going with a smile on his face...you with a smile on your face, projecting confidence and happiness. You...setting an example for your son on how to live a worthwhile life with dignity...how to stand up for yourself.

[Patchuli]

84. Maybe you don't want advice, but

you're going to get it anyway. Walk out the door, first chance you have to safely and do not look back. The violence will only escalate to the point where you may get yourself killed. Please get out. I did after many years and I'm alive because of it. There were few resources for women when I did but there are more now. Please leave!

http://www.snbw.org/

http://www.wadt.org/index.php?gclid=CNmExMuEs44CFR6QIgodch38zA

http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/view/23118

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

http://www.womenslaw.org/

http://www.awhl.org/

[rateyes]

85. A good father does NOT abuse a child's mother...

And, statistics show that the greatest risk of being killed by an abuser is the time between when the abused decides to leave, and when she actually does it.

You are kidding yourself if you think this guy is a good father. And, being a good mother, you need to, IMO, get the hell out right now.

I know I'm giving you advice. You can take it or leave it. But, don't think for one second that 1. you can make the abuse stop, or 2. he's a good father. Both thoughts are bullshit.

[begin_within]

86. Some part of you won't let go of him. You're hanging on to him, for some reason.

Even though what you have posted makes it plainly obvious to all of us that you should have no contact with him whatsoever, there is some part of you that is still clinging to him. It's not related to money or any externals. Something in you clings to this re... - well, it can hardly be called a relationship. It's just a situation. A part of you won't let go of him - if that part would let go of him, you would already be gone. But something keeps you hanging onto him, for some reason. Only you know why you are really hanging on. Ask yourself: what exactly do you get from this situation that is good for you? And complete this statement honestly and candidly: If you were to let go of him, and never see him again for the rest of your life, then ____________.

[hang a left]

91. What a thoughtful post...

My automatic response to your question would have been "then no one else would ever want me".

And even sitting here and thinking about your question; my answer is the same.

[begin_within]

92. Then that's what's keeping you hanging on. And how do you know that no one else would ever want you?

You don't know that, because nobody can know that. Nobody can predict the future. The reality is that there are thousands, or even millions of possible people who will want you. That fear of being alone and/or unwanted is part of the reason you're staying in a destructive relationship. But being alone would be a huge improvement over what your situation is now. It would actually be like a beautiful spring day after leaving a scary and violent thunderstorm behind. I believe the fear that "no one else would ever want me" is helping to keep you stuck in a harmful, destructive, dead-end relationship. Maybe you should examine that fear and ask yourself is it realistic or is it unfounded, and if you decide it is unfounded, you can go ahead and discard that fear, and you will move one step closer to a much happier reality for you.

[orleans]

111. that is so sad. your answer...your response. it is so sad that you feel that way

my initial thought is: so what if that were true? what would it matter? why would it matter? would the world end? would you become invisible? no--absolutely not.

your children want you. they need you and they want you around.

make yourself whole so that you will be loved by someone you can love.


(i think this is the story another poster--i forget who--was referring to
http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200705/tows_past_20070508.jhtml
and
http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200705/20070508/slide_20070508_284_101.jhtml

hang a left, there is so much more to you than maybe you give yourself credit for. i mean, you're sensitive, and thoughtful, and caring, and determined, and intelligent, and protective, and brave. all of these are very positive traits. and, yes, i do mean brave. look how brave you have been just by continuing to live with this man. and you're a democrat! it's time to just gather up your inner strength and point yourself in the right direction. it'll be okay. but you have to make the first move.

[laylah]

112. hang a left

I was in an emotional/verbal relationship for over 20 years. There were times I wished he would hit me because, at least, those bruises go away. He turned my children (daughters) away from me from birth. He belittled me, demeaned me, negated me, in front of our children, for all of those years. But I always said he was a good Dad. Well, even now, after 6 years of being separated by 3 states, he STILL feels he can yell at me because he has been financially helpful during trying times. He once called me, upset with our oldest because of how she talked to her boyfriend. He stated he asked her where the hell her hateful mouth came from, "...it certainly wasn't from your mother"...'nuff said. That, along with many a disrespectful behavior from my daughters, which their dad condoned and never consequenced them for, for many years, broke my heart. I will never be the same.

When I finally did leave, in '02, my youngest, who was 18 at the time, asked me what took me so long?

You will figure it out but I am here to tell you the kids DO know and, as with many previous posters, your son will, more than likely, grow to be an abuser also if you do not get him out NOW. That, along with your safety, are the two most important things you must consider.

PM if you need to. Been there, done that, and I KNOW, firsthand, the feelings of helplessness, dread, resignation, and sadness you feel.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

:hug:

[salin]

118. And sadly, the longer you are in this relationship, the more he will

actively (and intentionally) reinforce that thought. That emotion is a big part of the control. I am going to guess that when you first became involved he made you feel wonderful - not like "no one would ever want me." Think a little bit about that - and how he is now treating your son. If he is not grooming him to be an ally, as others has suggested, than it is only time before he shifts his attitude towards your son - just as he did toward you, subjecting your youngest son to the same patterns of abuse. Including making him feel worthless, which, sadly is what you have just projected with this post. You do have worth. Your response makes me ache ... as if your pain is seeping from the monitor and touching me. :cry: :hug:

[Lorien]

93. Poem by an abused woman:

You can see her

Eyes light up

Hoping that

He will

Love her today.

That she can exhale

And not

Take up too much

Space.

You can see

Her eyes light up

And the wistful

Hope and

Little girlishness that

He will

Be her

Boyfriend and

Take care of her

And make

All of it

Alright.

Make her right.

Her decision of him.

You can see the

Look in

Her eyes

That someday

If she just lives right

And doesn't

Take up

Too much

Space,

Or doesn't take

One too many

Breaths,

That he will

Turn her way

And

Fall in love,

And sweep her

Away,

And make it

All right,

Her right.

She has no

Rights.

But she chose him.

Did she

Choose the

Dream

Or the

American Indian

Looks

Of my father?

Was it the jokes

Or the

Neediness

Of him

Or

Her

That made her think

He was a

Project that

Could be

Completed?

He would not allow her

Even the

First stitch

To sew a life

Together.

He was a

Quilt

That remained

Unsewn.

Broken,

Torn,

Colorful,

Incomplete.

She

With the

Needle.

Looking at him

Longingly, begging in her heart

To stitch him

Together,

To her.

To her forever.

She would be

In charge of the

Pattern and

Color placement

And theme.

She would stitch

Every stitch

So she would be in charge

Of the story.

But he took,

No, slapped

The needle

From her hand,

From the air.

Cause he thought,

“what is that needle doing floating in space?”

There was no there there.

No she there.

He slapped the needle

From the wind.

And told the

Entire story

Of 4 lives

Himself.

Intruding and

Stabbing

With a rusty dirty needle.

And thread that had to

Run through

His experience

Before it could be

Used to stab

At the wind.

I hate him

And she

Still looks at him

With love

And hope

And anticipation that

She will be able to make

At least one

Stitch.


From:http://www.verbalabuse.com/2.shtml

[begin_within]

96. Thanks - that's another reason women stay in these kinds of abusive relationships:

They cling to a tiny ray of hope that "it will get better" somehow and someday. This is another false belief that serves only to keep women (or men) trapped in harmful, destructive relationships. They believe that the abusive person will change, or that the relationship will change, so that it will become a functional, beneficial relationship. And they often believe that they can do something that will change the abusive person. These beliefs fly in the face of voluminous evidence that the abusive person does not change, or only rarely change, and even then only when forced to. The abusive person can "act normal" when necessary to save his own ass, such as when faced with law enforcement or in a courtroom, but as soon as the authority figures are gone, they revert back to their own abusive selves. The threat of the battered wife leaving them may temporarily "reform" them out of fear of abandonment, but the "reform" is short-lived and it really only happens to keep the battered wife from leaving. As soon as the status quo is re-established, they fall back into their regular abusive patterns. Women or men who are the victims in abusive relationships, who hold onto the belief that they can do anything to stop the abuse or change the relationship to make it non-abusive, are deluding themselves. They have to let go of that tiny ray of hope and admit to themselves that the relationship is hopeless, and really mean it. That letting go of that hope is deeply saddening and difficult to go through, but it is important and necessary for them to leave the relationship and move on. And there is a grieving process too, they have to go through, grieving the relationship, and it can be just as painful for a disfunctional, abusive relationship as it can be for a normal, healthy one that ended because of death or whatever reason. So there are many hurdles the abused person has to overcome within themselves, which makes the process of "getting away from" the abuser harder than outsiders realize.

[Lorien]

103. Getting away from them is indeed far more difficult than those outside the

relationship imagine. Most of those reading the OP are thinking "That's nuts! I would NEVER allow anyone to treat me that way! Why doesn't she just pack up her kids and her bags and go"?? They don't understand the "setup" involved in the relationship. The following is from a review on Amazon of a book on angry and controlling men that I recommended to hang a left in an earlier post:

..The abuser feels entitled to a fantasy woman, who will gratefully smooth the way for him, providing him with a financial support, a clean, comfortable house, good food, unconditional emotional support, and a perfect, attractive, sex partner willing to do anything to please him. To obtain this, all he has to do is attract and court a woman who he fantasizes is going to make this happen. Saying the words "I love you" and a year or so of good behavior is a pretty cheap price to obtain a perfect servant for life. When the woman, who has no idea of his agenda, fails to live up to his fantasy, he concludes that he has been ripped off, that she has lied to him and failed him, and then he proceeds to try to destroy her. He may shove her, hit her, scream at her, or try to make her feel worthless or even insane. This is called devaluation....

He laid the groundwork early on as a loving and ideal mate. Once a woman falls in love with such a person, the abuse seems to come out of the blue and she thinks "wait a minute, he was so wonderful before-maybe I did something to upset him..." she then spends huge amounts of time trying to get back to that place they were in when they were first dating. She believes that since he once seemed like a loving and kind man (the same facade that he shows the rest of the world) that if she just does a little more around the house, just tries harder, just loves him more, that eventually that "good guy" will return. Sometimes he'll give her enough of a glimpse of the guy she fell in love with to give her hope. She's invested so much time in the relationship that it's almost unimaginable to think about starting over. Besides, he's convinced her that she's so screwed up that only he can tolerate her. It's all a manipulation that serves to control her more the longer she stays in the relationship. For him it all comes back to entitlement and a belief in the inherent inferiority of women. For her, it's all about insecurity and a deep desire for love. She begins as an equal with a mind of her own, but gradually becomes the perfect victim. That's a huge payoff for him, one he won't willingly give up unless he believes that he's the one with the problem (and like G. W. Bush, he NEVER sees himself as being the one at fault).

[begin_within]

122. Thanks - and it's far more common than people realize.

And it's hard to escape from it, because women tend to genuinely love their husbands or partners, even if they are abusive. That genuine love and caring for the person is yet another hurdle they have to overcome in order to get out of the relationship. And the abusive person can exploit all of these weaknesses, and push the right buttons at the right time, to keep the wife/girlfriend/partner to stay instead of leave. It takes a lot of strength just to leave, but at some point, self-preservation has to take over.

[AZBlue]

89. Do you have any other family members that might help? Have you tried to contact any agencies?

I know here in Phoenix there are quite a few agencies that are established to help people in your very situation. Not only can they help, but they also have lots of advice to give, more and better advice than I could ever think up.

Good luck - I hope you find a way out soon, for your sake and your son's! :hug:

[snot]

94. Here's another tack:

Imagine a better situation.

Billions of people have relationships that don't involve abuse. This is what you and everyone else deserve.

Maybe it's true that absolutely perfect mates don't grow on trees. But it's not that hard to find a decent human being to love who doesn't hit you.

Every minute you spend with your abuser isn't just damage to you and your son, which in itself is bad enough; it's also a loss of time that could be spent finding and being with someone better. Or even just being on your own, which, believe me, can be pretty damn great.

Think about what you're missing, and how long you're willing to defer it, and why.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

97. You do not want advice?

Okay.

Here is my advice anyway.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Tell them your story... ASK FOR HELP.

I would do more to help you finding support in your area but I don't know where you live.

There are people and places that will help you. Get the fucking hell out of there before the rat bastard gets drunk and kills you.

[StarryNite]

98. And if you don't do it for yourself,

do it for your kids. They are in danger living with that man.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

101. Correct!

I was thinking that but didn't post it.

Do it for the innocent ones, the kids.

You say he treats your youngest "like gold."

That is done to sucker you... to suck you in. He plays the part of a loving and caring parent, BUT tells you that you are... let me guess: crazy. stupid. lazy. ugly. insane. piece of shit.

it is all part of the deception and the lies.

If he thinks that he can control you by hurting the golden child, he will... it happens every day of the fucking week.

[skyblue]

121. exactly.

Sadly enough your story is not only one and this is excellent advice.

They are experts in the field and have seen/heard it all.

And there are lots of misogynists out there, and they can be really tricky.

That is not to say that there aren't alot of mr. nice guys tho'.

[Trajan]

109. The reason you did not show the police your wounds ...

is the same reason you are stuck where you are ....

PLEASE ..... GET OUT ! ....

The basic fact is this: It is against the law to strike another person without extreme cause. It is assault ... it is battery .....

NO ONE CAN HIT YOU .... They are committing a crime if they do ...... It was a mistake to deny police access to your wounds, as they are evidence of his criminality ..... They need to photograph your injuries to use against him in court .... If they exist, then they are FACTS .....

Not only is it a violation of the trust one must have between spouses .... but it is a violation of the vows you spoke when you were married .... It deprives your son the decent future he DESERVES to have without fear of menace ....

You are rationalizing, and it just may kill you and your son .... You have options .... There are shelters which will keep you safe with your son, in secret, and where they will help you obtain a TRO, and gain access to family resources (IE HIS money) so you can provide yourself a decent divorce ...

Short of a complete turn around by your husband, and his absolute willing acceptance of anger management therapy to sort through his issues: You MUST do this to protect yourself and your son ...

Sorry about the tough love, but it's gotta be said ... If you refuse to do this, then you need therapy as well ...

You need to stop rationalizing, and get on with it, before it's too late ....

Better to be poor, alone, and alive with a future, then to live in fear DAILY and watch your son turn into his father ..... knowing you could have stopped it ...

[wildebeest]

115. Leave the situation for the sake of your child

I'm of the opinion that if there are kids involved, it's really not about YOU anymore, because YOU have a choice.

Get out of there now, because to stay is to inflict more damage on your son. Even if you think YOU don't matter, your KID does. Thank god you don't have a daughter...

[dddem]

116. Change is difficult.

Sometimes we stay in an unhealthy relationship because we believe it's better than nothing. It might help you to begin by changing the way you percieve things. I was in an unhealthy relationship for many years, and it started to turn around when I began using the word choice. It sounds simple, but it gave me a sense of control when I stopped saying I have to do this or say that or be here, and started saying I choose to do this or be there or say that. Because, in reality , it IS a choice. And sometimes change is as simple as choosing another option. Start small, and start by acknowledging what you already know. Don't say you have no choice, because you always have a choice. If you stay, it's because you choose to, and once you start thinking differently, you can make different, healthy choices. It can be done. Good luck to you.
Peace.

[oscarmitre]

117. I know you don't want advice

so I won't give it.

I will give you a warning though. Get out and get out as soon as you can. Look for help and advice from domestic violence support groups in your area. I won't say anything more than just get out.

[Jacobin]

119. Our town has a women's shelter for these situations

Does yours?

[OneBlueSky]

120. I work as a consultant to a battered women's shelter . . . here are some resources . . .

that you can access to learn more about the problem and to get the help you need . . . please don't allow yourself to be a victim -- become a survivor! . . .

Family Violence Prevention Fund: Get the Facts
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

To find the domestic violence program nearest you, call
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

please don't delay . . . good luck! . . . :hug:

[TalkingDog]

124. You Idiot. You are the one abusing your son. I don't feel sorry for you.

The person I feel sorry for is your child.

You want some real feedback? Here it is:

(Moderators if you delete this message for being abusive, fine. But she needs to hear it from somebody who has been in her son's position and the effects of what she is doing in the frankest language possible. If that makes me an asshole, well, it is what it is.)

See. What you want is a place to vomit your pain out on the people who will then say...Oh, you poor dear. Get some help now. You are worthy.... blah, blah, blah. And normalize the fact that you want to continue being victimized and victimizing your child in the process. Well, having grown up with a mother who kept picking men in the form of her drunken, abusive father to have relationships with, I've been covered with enough self-pity puke to last a lifetime, thanks anyway.

Of course your son knows. All children know. My sister and I knew.

He can't really help but know, unless your husband always screams and yells in a whisper, hits you without a sound, you fall silently, never bruise and you are never ever tense around each other.

God, people like you make me sick. At least my mother had the decency to fight back and tell us if either of us ever let a man treat us that way, the SHE would kick our asses. And you know what? We never have. EVER.

You are teaching your son EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY that this is acceptable. That this is NORMAL. That this is how people who "love" each other, treat each other. Every day you stay, every bruise, every shout, every cower, every snipe, you are explaining to your son how to treat his wife.

I find your actions (and inaction) disgusting and reprehensible.

And have you stood on the outside of this whole steaming pile of shit and said: HMMMM...he treats me like crap. He loves my son. He beats me. He worships him. Are you positive your son is safe? Are you POSITIVE he is being abused in another way? And since you seem to be incredibly dense to the realities of life and how things work I'll put it bluntly: Are you sure your husband didn't marry you just so he could "worship" your son by sexually abusing him?

Grow up, stop thinking about yourself. Yes, yourself. If you were ACTUALLY thinking about your child and his mental health, you would have run out of that house and never looked back the second you realized this was going to be an ongoing pattern.



My Favorite Master Artist: Karen Parker GhostWoman Studios

[Book Lover]

129. If I could nominate any single post in this thread

this would be it. Thank you.

[TalkingDog]

131. Thanks. I hate reading crap like this. I spend the next hour furious.

I'm approaching 50 and about 25 years ago I had to quit watching any movies or TV shows with violent content after I spent 3 entire days crying hysterically from watching an early screening of "Platoon".

Yes, I've been to therapy. Yes, there is PTSD. On the whole I have a seemingly normal life, but my mother's choices in men affected my dating life, my ability to trust other people, bond with other people and it still affects my personal relationships. I give myself props for dealing with those things fairly well, but I give my husband many more for his seemingly endless patience.

That's what this person who claims to love her son should be thinking about. She is scarring him now in ways that she can't possibly imagine.



My Favorite Master Artist: Karen Parker GhostWoman Studios

[Corgigal]

133. son is safe?

Straight up that is what I thought. I work 911 for over 10 years and never found a man who loved the stepchild more then the wife. Normally he's treating that child worst then the parent, so for this stepfather to love the son more then the mom scares me. I would find a man who loves me first because then the children are safe, loved and supported. It's the natural law of families.

[Maine-ah]

125. take your son & go to a shelter.

he may treat your son well, but your son is learning how to beat women. :hug:

[IronLionZion]

126. ...

Just because you don't want advice doesn't mean you don't need it. I would suggest you find someone close by who you can talk to in person. Message boards might not be personal enough to be effective. It's too easy to ignore and dismiss stuff because it's "from the internet".

[ljm2002]

127. What to do when you are in a trap

You ask, "What do you do when you are trapped in an abusive relationship? One where you have not the means?"

You say you don't want advice. i.e. your question is rhetorical.

So I will answer in the hypothetical. IF one were to find oneself in a trap of any kind, the logical and required action would be to find a way out of the trap.

A hiker in Utah who was hiking alone, became trapped when a boulder fell and pinned him by his forearm. In order to get out of the trap he had to saw his arm off with a small knife. He did not think about whether he had "the means", he did what he had to do to survive.

Thousands of women every year -- and many men, too -- get out of the trap of an abusive relationship the old-fashioned way: they take what they can carry, take the kids and hoof it out of there if necessary.

Sure it's scary. Sure you don't know what's in store. But you know what? You don't know what's in store for you anyway. The one thing you do know is that your boy, to whom you say this man is being a "good father", is learning a lot about what is acceptable behavior in the family situation -- it's all he knows, is his own family situation. Do you really want this for him? How will you feel, 15 or 20 years down the road, when he is married and belittling his wife? What will you say?

No advice here, you will have to make your own decision. And it's not easy. But lots of things aren't easy. Just remember: it's not easy to live with this either, and yet you have. You are strong, and you have already taken that important first step of recognizing that the situation you find yourself in is in fact not acceptable.

It's up to you to figure out what to do about that. It may take awhile, may take some planning; or you may be able to do something more quickly. Just don't cave in to the feelings of helplessness -- it's not useful in any situation.

My $.02

[truth2power]

128. I'm thinking that you don't want advice...you want validation that

what, in your heart, you know you have to do (get out) is the right thing.

You know that this is an untenable situation for both you and your son. What do you intend to do about it?


BTW...I'm curious as to why you didn't show the police your injuries?

[mandyky]

132. Sept. 11 will be 16 months out of mine,

as well as being sober.
I _did_ go to jail for 2 weeks, not due to DV and that wasn't fun. I had no job or resources either. I have a 10 year old son, and I may not get him back, but I am still coming out of the shock that being in the relationship, drinking and depression and then having my Higher Power sandblast me out of that life.

I hope you find the courage to get out, don't wait for the sandblast, but if _that_ comes - it will be better than staying.

I am grateful for all that happened now, and I am starting to make headway!! :)

[undeterred]

135. I had a relative who went through this and also a friend

Both of them finally reached a point where they could no longer take the abuse and they talked to the police about how to get the abuser out of the house. When the abuse happened they called and got a restraining order and the abuser had to leave and live somewhere else. In one case it was only a scratch on the arm, and he had done far worse many other times. But the police knew from the phone calls and visits, so all they needed was for her not to drop the charges and she got him out. Then she filed for divorce and he was never under her roof again. It was not easy financially, but she would have gone to a shelter if she had to. You cannot let yourself be beaten down.

Other people will not rescue you. You have to rescue yourself. I have a co-worker who has been verbally abusive to me 3 times in the first 6 weeks on the job. I refuse to talk to him any more because I am not going to give him any more opportunities to abuse me. The managers treat it like a he said/she said situation, which its not. I never said anything abusive to him. But basically I can ignore him or find another job because, my female managers aren't going to help me. You have to get out of this, hang a left, and you do have the strength. :hug:

[Onlooker]

136. I don't know if anyone posted this

Here's a link you should use. Maybe someone has an even better one:

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/dv.htm

At any rate, take your son and get out even if you have to go to a shelter. You've got to get him out of your system. He's bad news, and he's not going to get better.

[Bryn]

139. Don't stay

I packed up and left. Oh, yes, he came after me so I had to move out of town to live with my sister then got a divorce from him. I am glad I got out of abusive relationship. I decided that I would rather to be alone and struggle than to be miserable with someone.

[Raejeanowl]

140. If You Don't Want Advice

If an A-B-C formula isn't for you, can you think about just getting the local hotline number in your area so you can "vent" to a live person when you have the chance?

I feel for you and I wish you better days ahead.

[pitohui]

141. hang a left keep updating us on how you are doing

people do care

[distantearlywarning]

142. You do what I did.

I left the bastard.

I walked out the front door with one month's rent in my pocket, a car with 200K miles on the odometer, a high school diploma, and a temp job as a secretary. I walked out into a city where I had no social network, no money, no nothing, just me and my cats.

I found myself a crappy apartment in the ghetto and didn't give my abuser my address or phone number. I got up every day and I went to work so I could keep the three of us fed, even though I was having panic attacks so bad I thought I was seriously having a mental breakdown. I cried in the bathroom at work every day, with my hands over my face so my co-workers wouldn't hear. I came home every night and stepped over the drunk guy passed out on my steps and ate dinner by myself while gang members shot one another in the park next door. I was lonely and ill and I thought I might die but I kept on keeping on because it was better than being pushed around, controlled, and told I was shit by someone who was supposed to love me. And at least I had my self-respect if I didn't have anything else.

And I saved money from my meager paycheck and eventually I found myself a better living situation where people didn't murder one another outside my window. The next winter, I decided I had nothing left to lose anyway so I might as well go back to school and get my college degree so no man could ever control me financially again. I signed for some loans, got a Pell Grant, and enrolled in college full-time.

7 years later, I'm a year or two away from finishing a Ph.D. at a top tier university, living in a beautiful home that I own, and married to a man who has never once told me I was ugly, fat, or worthless. Who has never broken any of my things or shoved me around. A man who loves me with every fiber of his being and thinks he's lucky because I agreed to share my life with him. The last I heard, my abuser was still single and working as a janitor in a crappy apartment complex. Karma is a bitch...

And despite everything that happened to me, I never once regretted walking out that door. NOT ONCE. If I had died because I walked out on him it would have been worth it. I was nothing when I was with him. I was nothing. I was a ghost in a shell of someone that used to be human. Death would have been better, because life with him was rotting my soul, the core of who I really was. And every day that passed without him I became more of myself again, even in the darkest time of my life. I would do it a thousand times again if I had to. It was all worth it.

You could do it too. All you have to do is walk. That's all. Walk and give yourself the gift of the rest of your life.

[alittlelark]

143. Wow. Great post - Great advice -

and a really strong story.:applause:

[BlooInBloo]

144. Recommended Post. :)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

146. Been there, lived that and came out the other side too.

It is difficult and terrifying at first, but time goes on and you don't die and you eventually develop a social network of your own. A healthy, supportive and real social network. In time you learn you're nothing like you were led to believe you were. You also learn that the world has something to offer you and you just may have something to offer it back.

We all have value. Anyone who tells us otherwise is lying for a personal reason.

Congratulations to you on doing so well and learning who you were meant to be.

I wish you well in the rest of your life.

[Imagevision]

145. goto the cops, ask for all the agency's in your area that can help, explain to

them entirely your situation and proceed accordingly, YOU must create a plan, get the names and numbers for all those that can offer professional guidance. You owe to your kid, YOU must become in control of your life, you were before you met your abuser, honey, you're not alone, now go see the cops!!!!God Bless, I'll say some prayers.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

147. No advice, no BS.

If you ever want to just talk to someone whose lived it too PM me.

I offer you nothing but a shoulder to cry on if that's all you want right now. I understand. I've been there too and I also had a child involved.

*hugs*