Petraeus on Britney: A no-nonsense assessment of the benchmarks achieved

[DeepModem Mom]

LAT: Joel Stein:
Petraeus on Britney
A no-nonsense assessment of the benchmarks achieved by the rehabilitating pop star.
September 14, 2007

Thank you Jive Records, MTV, Clear Channel and members of Congress for the opportunity to present my assessment of Britney Spears' career. Which, according to nearly every objective metric, is going completely, totally awesome.

Sure, progress made over the last few months has been uneven -- the number of Star magazine "not normal" incidents is still disturbingly high -- but we are hitting most of our major benchmarks. To wit, not only has there not been one single divorce this year, there also haven't been any marriages, significantly curtailing the assessed threat of divorce.

In recent months, despite brutal summer heat, we have achieved progress in the underwear-wearing arena. Shoe wearing in public bathrooms is up 38%, while T-shirt messages with the phrase "baby daddy" are down 46%. Hair regrowth objectives are being met, and recent advances in wig and hair extension technology have proved surprisingly effective. Conducting sensitive negotiations directly in the field, we have been increasingly able to get Ms. Spears to wear just the blond wig instead of switching between the black and blond ones, which has provided a force-multiplier effect on public credibility....

As shown by this other chart, public approval of Ms. Spears is up roughly 1 trillion percent over this time last year, though to properly explain the methodology would require one of those nerdy laser-pointer thingies Al Gore uses, so you'll just have to trust me....

Tabloid magazine covers are down 22% in six of the last eight weeks, the lowest level since the New Year's Eve party collapse, thanks largely to our Brangelina rumors propaganda. Other successes include disruption of sex-tape distribution, containment of make-out sessions with female friends to above-the-neck contact, and the quick resolution of the incident in which Ms. Spears attacked a photographer's SUV with an umbrella, thanks to our well-executed giant fan maneuver creating a "Mary Poppins effect" that the mainstream media has under-covered. To put this all in perspective, if Ms. Spears were a movie, and that movie was "The Bourne Ultimatum," then Ms. Spears would have grossed $210 million.

Improvement of Ms. Spears' parenting skills has been substantial, as evidenced by the fact that 100% of her children are alive. Neither has been dangled over a railing or placed near a crocodile. One has already been weaned off soda and is now eating solid candy bars. Secondhand smoke is 88% tar-reduced, exactly on target....

http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-oe-stein14sep14,0,1483515.column