Late night political jokes for Dems

[Amy6627]

"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes" --Jay Leno

"President Bush refuted Alan Greenspan’s charge that he seemed “bored” by economics, telling reporters, “I’m much more bored by education, health care and the environment.” -- Andy Borowitz

"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book." --Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid Rudy with love, because he is on the attack against Hillary Clinton. Have you seen this? He accused her of spitting venom at General Petraeus, and he paid for a full-page ad in the New York Times. He must miss the days when he was the mayor of New York, and the New York Times would have to print his bulls**t for free." --Bill Maher

"Did you know last night's presidential speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def? And again, I don't think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, 'Oh great. Does that mean we don't need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore?" --Jay Leno

"With most of the country against the war, our top military man in Iraq, General Petraeus, says he does not know if the war is making us safer. ... In fact, for a lot people, it's more dangerous ... like Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Senator Vitter is denying this woman's allegations. Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? I've gotta go with the hooker." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them" --Jay Leno

"Earlier today was the big Iraq report. General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. ... I believe his exact words were, 'And then it's Hillary's mess.'" --David Letterman

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. ... For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. ... Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas" --Conan O'Brien

[L. Coyote]

1. The Top Ten Reasons Why Political Reality Must Remain Insane

If they turned things upside down, so up would be up again, and down down,
this is what Bush would have announced at his morning presser:
10.) The secret government has been disbanded because the Sandinistas are no longer considered terrorists. :rofl: (Had to have one funny one.)

9.) The United States will begin a program of demilitarization, and all sales of arms and military support programs are terminated by Executive order. We are getting out of the arms business permanently, period.

8.) The White House is called for the resignations of Senators Dominici, Stevens, Vitter, and Craig, and is reviewing CREW's list to determine who else should go home for good. The slightest past corruption of any kind will be met with the greatest possible punishment.

7.) The United States will discontinue illegal spying on its citizens. Everyone will have a right to know what information the government has collected on them.

6.) The White House is calling for a sufficient number of wholly independent Special Prosecutors to address all current scandals.

5.) All document requests from Congress will be met by the end of business today, and all subpoenaed witnesses have been ordered by the President to fully cooperated with the lawful investigations of the Congress.

4.) A reconciliation commission will be established to address the issue of the illegal conquest of most of North America, one purpose of which will be to restore justice to the Native Peoples of America.

3.) The United States is willing to discuss peaceful resolution of any conflict, and seeks to resolve all conflicts amicably.

2.) The War on Iraq was a mistake built on lies and deception, and the U. S. forces will be withdrawn as soon as reasonably possible. Some draw downs of security forces began today.

1.) Dick and I stole the 2000 and 2004 elections, and we are such total screw ups we have decided to resign and go home to our ranches to cut brush.

[Amy6627]

5. These are great! n/t

[pacalo]

2. My mom told me she never misses Jay Leno's monologues.

I haven't watched him in years, but I have to say his zingers were the best!

[Buzz Clik]

3. "... they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus."

:thumbsup:

[Poiuyt]

4. That was a great one!