Mark Morford: "My Life With Jenna Bush"

[Amerigo Vespucci]

My Life With Jenna Bush
What's it like to be married to the booze-friendly, party-ready Bush twin? A vision

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/08/22/notes082207.DTL

I got her trained just right. She brings me a steady supply of cold Bud Lights while I chill on the La-Z-Boy watching the Nationals game on the plasma. Here's a funny: After any home run, I'll down whatever's left of my beer and suck in a big mouthful of air and then belch her name really, really slowly and blow it right in her face. "Oh my God that is so gross!" she squeals, and then totally cracks up and makes that funny snorting noise and goes to get us both another beer. Man, I love being married.

Her hair smells like kitty litter and nachos and bad domestic wiretapping law. I take deep whiffs just before bed and later dream that I'm back in law school and it's finals and I'm totally not prepared because I've been burning pages of the U.S. Constitution in my bathtub and blasting gay people and women and pretty much all of humanity with my giant death-ray laser. Wait a sec, this is Karl Rove's dream! How the hell did he get in here? He's so sneaky. But I love him. No, I mean I really love him. But he won't return my text messages anymore. Bitch.

I have to say, JB does make a mean lime Jell-O mold dessert, bright green like money, packed with little marshmallows and three or four cans of that sticky Dole fruit salad goop that tastes like candy but totally gives you the runs. You gotta be pretty drunk to eat it, but it does make the Xanax go down easier. J can eat the entire thing while watching a single episode of "The Bachelor." That is so hot. Like, Britney Spears hot.

Monthly dinner with her grandparents: all clumsy manners and weird backslapping and lots of endless slideshows. Grandpa Bush pumps my hand in greeting and keeps winking at me and won't let go for like, two minutes solid. So weird. Grandma Barb always wearing that massive teal muumuu -- looks like a cross between Bea Arthur and Dame Edna and a giant leather ottoman. "You keep an eye on our little Jen, she can be a handful!" Like I don't know.

[Nostradammit]

1. That's edgy!

"giant leather ottoman"...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: