In what religion is complimenting someone considered a sin?

[The Backlash Cometh]

My daughter started to go to a church youth group about a year ago and, from her side, it sound like all fun and games. She said they only talked about religion maybe 10 minutes out of the hour that they danced and played games.

Well, it now sounds like the church group is beginning to close in on them. Reminds me of that part in Pinocchio where they go to fun island, and suddenly turn into donkeys. She said they played a game which explained sinning. They said the kids had to keep track of their sins as the sins were called out by a caller, bingo-style.

Some sins made sense, in an anal retentive sort of way. If you ever wished a person dead, that was considered a sin. Not sure how I feel about that one, since a grown up can differentiate between fantasy and reality.

But the one that really had me mystified, was that, if you ever complimented anyone for anything, it was considered a sin. I asked why, and my daughter said that it was because, if you complimented someone, it showed that you were envious of them and wanted that thing they had that you complimented them about.

How incredibly stupid. I was raised to compliment people because it made people feel good. And in making them feel good, it brightened my day because I was able to have a positive effect on someone's life.

Now, I haven't done it recently, except when I see something that particularly strikes me as extraordinary. Like, when a girl on the same team as my daughter was competing for time on the field. It was true that she was being favored by the coach because he was also her high school coach. Everyone acknowledged it. But by the end of the year, he made one hell of a great athlete out of her, and it was just impossible not to appreciate the results of her hard work, so I complimented her dad. And remarkably, all the resentment I may have had, was gone, because I got to see a young lady grow into something special, and that, for a mother, is a gift to see, no matter whose kid it is.

How can a church miss that lesson?

[undeterred]

1. Pride or arrogance is considered a sin

but usually it isn't taken as far as extending to compliments. The Amish dress very simply and uniformly so as not to draw attention to themselves and they would call clothing that is beautiful for its own sake "proud". That's the closest thing I can think of.

For teenagers, where self esteem is all over the place, I would think sincere compliments are a very good thing. Sounds like a way too much emphasis on the negative to me.

[The Backlash Cometh]

2. It certainly assumes too much: that compliments are always insincere.

Now, in the city I live in, I can understand why people would assume that. It's a very insincere place to live. But, hopefully, someday, these kids will be able to escape this place and find a better place to live. And there, hopefully, they won't transfer the infection that's taken hold of this place.

[goddess40]

3. I'd be looking for a new church

especially if this action is supported by the church.

[The Backlash Cometh]

4. Well, here's the thing...

I'm churchless because of the shenanigans that pass as normal around here. I figure as long as the church throws a blind eye to them, it really is in no position to take the moral high ground.

But my daughter found this youth group on her own and this is the first time they said something that sent up a red flag.

Honestly, it's the best church around here. If that doesn't say much, then you understand the hell I'm living in.

[Le Taz Hot]

18. Obviously, do whatever you think is right for your child

but, and forgive me for asking this, but, is it absolutely necessary for the faithful to attend a church? It's a serious question from a long-time, baptized-and-confirmed heathen. If you're that unhappy with the church scene in your area, couldn't you just stop going to church? I don't know, I'm asking.

[The Backlash Cometh]

21. We do not belong to a church.

Haven't gone regularly, in years. I already feel alienated to this community because of extraordinary things that happened here, and the church sermons only magnify the reasons for that alienation.

My daughter found this youth group on her own. It really was put together by people who wanted to keep their kids out of trouble by giving them better social options. For the most part, they don't indoctrinate directly. In fact, I did sit in on one sermon and I did pick up on a strategy that I think most churches use. First they befriend you through innocuous socializing, then when you get in trouble, like getting a DUI, which is what the sermon was about, (the guy in the sermon actually killed someone) they run to your aid with support and even money for a lawyer. And then the guy gets redeemed, and in his repentance, becomes a poster boy for the church.

My daughter is at the age where she needs to start making her own decisions. I hope, someday, she will find a church she feels comfortable with, but I'm convinced she won't find it here.

[TheFarseer]

5. How odd

what if I complimented a girl on her pretty dress? Would it mean that I, as a guy, covet their pretty dress!? What if I was complimenting them just to be nice and I thought their haircut was actually ugly? Maybe that would go under lying.

[The Backlash Cometh]

8. It's very odd, isn't it?

This is a youth group of teenagers, so I imagine there were no adults there to challenge them.

I would have loved to throw questions like that to them.

[TlalocW]

24. No, it would mean that you were lusting after her

Turning her into a whore and yourself into a whoremonger according to the various evangelists that would come preach on the library lawn when I was in grad school. :)

TlalocW

[TheFarseer]

25. thanks for clearing that up! n/t

[lonestarnot]

6. Sounds like a cult tactic to me.

[The Backlash Cometh]

9. Thank God she leaves this crazy place for college soon.

Sometimes I feel like the mother stuck on the Titanic that passes her baby off to someone who got on the lifeboat.

[tekisui]

15. Mind control and unrealistic expectations of "morality".

It is the little things like that. They add up, one by one. Nothing major, but eventually they have a connection or judgment on every thought.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. That's the best church around?

Sounds like the type of fundies who tell kids that "having lustful thoughts" is something they can and should avoid (which goes a long way toward explaining why so many fundies are so obsessed with sex.)

Where do you live that that's the best church around?

What denomination is it?

If it's "non-denominational" or a "community church," that's often a code word for "fundamentalist," or at least "conservative evangelical."

I'd suggest studying the available denominations in your area and picking one that is a recognized "brand name." The community churches and non-denominational churches are prone to cult-like behavior, since there is no one exercising "quality control" from the top.

[The Backlash Cometh]

11. Trust me. This is the best around.

Even our Catholic churches are looney tunes. The main priest fits in with the good ole boy network, and the sermons from the nutty orthodox Irish guest priests make me want to bang my head on the wooden pew.

Heck, I only go to church theses days for weddings, and even then it's not safe. At my niece's wedding, the Catholic priest said that it's okay to wish bad things on people.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

33. Wherever you live...

...remind me not to move there. :scared:

[cornermouse]

10. The vanity thing.

I'd pull her out if I were you.

[The Backlash Cometh]

12. Thank God I kept her out of those indoctrinating institutions for most of

her impressionable years. She found this one on her own as an older teen. The colleges she's looking at are very stable-minded, so I think she can make it through without too much damage.

Besides, everyone needs to see for themselves how looney some of these churches are, so that we can begin to demand better churches with better leaders, sending out better messages.

[Lurking Dem]

13. It exists culturally

in lots of places.....Turkey, Greece, Egypt, etc. But I don't think it is tied to religious "sin". More like they think it opens a door to a curse. Hence the "evil eye" phenomenon.

[The Backlash Cometh]

16. So, how do these cultures extend goodwill to each other?

[Lurking Dem]

19. They have antidotes

to the curse, from evil eye charms to spitting. In some they actually say horrible things, like telling a woman her new baby is ugly, and they will smile at each other knowing what was really meant. It's all very odd.

[The Backlash Cometh]

22. LOL! As long as they understand each other, it's kind of quaint.

[potone]

20. By gifts and hospitality.

I am most familiar with Greece and Turkey, although I have been to Egypt. What I found most striking in my first trips to Turkey and Egypt is that even in poor villages strangers are welcomed into people's homes and, at a minimum, given tea, and usually food. In Greece, one is given free desserts and drinks at restaurants, and parting gifts if one stays at a hotel in a village. More than once I have been offered a room in someone's house to sleep. It is a source of shame to me as an American that we are so inhospitable to foreigners. Most of us would not dream of letting a stranger stay in our house, for fear of our safety (which is not a neurotic fear in this country), but other cultures assume that hospitality will be treated with respect and gratitude.

[The Backlash Cometh]

23. Gift giving and hospitality. Absolutely. I know those courtesies from

another culture. Here in America, it's so abused, people assume bribery.

[alfredo]

14. I'd recommend this thread, but that would be a sin.

[The Backlash Cometh]

17. LOL!

[kdmorris]

26. The Southern Baptist churches I grew up with

all believed that being complimented was to instill vanity in the "complimentee", therefore, complimenting another person was helping them feel pride and vanity, which is a sin.

These churches were very strict in their teachings. As a female, I got the whole lesson on submission and how it was sinful to "question your husband". It was also taught that even thinking about sex would send you straight to hell, if you were not married (who is married at 14? Who doesn't think about sex at 14?) It really sets you up to go batshit insane. All of the rules contradict basic human nature. Everything turned out to be sinful in some way or another.

It really fucked me up. I'm an atheist now, but I still have so much crap leftover from my brainwashing that it's very difficult sometimes. Having been an agnositic since I was 18 or so and a "full blooded, I admit there's not god" atheist since I was 27, it's getting a bit easier (I'm 38 now). But the initial de-briefing period was awful. It made me crazy during that time. Half the time, I expected to get struck by lightening and the other half of the time, I was just angry that all this crap was taught to me. There's nothing like crying for hours when you are 14, thinking you are going to hell, because you thought about having sex with the quarterback of the football team, while God turned his face from you because you were so wicked. Who wouldn't go crazy?

That's all I'll say about that. I'm glad your daughter is going to college soon.

[The Backlash Cometh]

27. How very educational.

I never knew this peculiarity. Surely would interfere with someone's identity, doesn't it? And it would also explain why right-wingers are so much better at bashing, than they are at complimenting someone's positive points.

[kdmorris]

28. Probably!

It was only about 8 years ago that I learned to take a compliment without giving someone a really good reason why I hadn't really done a good thing. Sad, really.

It wrecks you when you are a child and told that crap.

[WillowTree]

29. Any chance at all that she misinterpreted it?

Brings to mind the story about a boy whose Mother sent him to church alone one Sunday because she was sick. When he came home, she asked him what the sermon had been about and he said "Don't worry, you'll get your quilt".

Mom laughed and said said "No, really. What was it about?" and he repeated "Don't worry, you'll get your quilt".

No longer amused, she figured that the kid hadn't gone to church at all and sent him to his room. A little while later, she called the Pastor to ask him what the best way to handle the situation might be and his reply was "Well, first of all, you need to apologize to him. Today's sermon topic was 'Fear not, thy Comforter will come'".

[The Backlash Cometh]

30. LOL!

I'll ask her, but it was pretty straight-forward. She gave me a direct explanation that they gave her. Because complimenting someone suggests that you are envious of that thing that you complimented them about.

That's sad. I think that what comes up in our minds, and stays in our minds, belongs to us. It's how we chose to act, based on those ideas, which makes us saints or sinners.

It's obvious that the church wishes to nip all bad thoughts in the bud. Thought-police, so to speak. I never really thought of it that way, until now.

If that is the way they wish to operate, then we should become aware of their cultural peculiarities, because it would explain why there is so much miscommunication between Americans.

[knitter4democracy]

31. Option #3: Odd youth group leader who's got it wrong.

We had a youth group leader when I was in middle school who was weird. He was pretty far into right-winger land for a Nazarene, and there were times we just looked at each other in amazement during lessons and games because of what he said. I got out of his Sunday School class as soon as I could (talked an adult teacher into letting me be in his class). He was replaced as soon as they found an associate pastor who could take over the youth group. Pastor Doug was amazed at some of the things we'd been told and had to spend some time fixing it.

Sometimes churches don't vet the actual personal beliefs of their youth group leaders, assuming that they know what the church teaches and will stick to that. It doesn't always work out that way.

[The Backlash Cometh]

32. I like this explanation. n/t.