Chupacabra DNA Testing Results Partially Human! AKA: "Where's Cheney?"

[HCE SuiGeneris]

Washington, DC (APE) - In a stunning announcement late today, scientists at the investigatory arm of the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC stated that DNA obtained from the controversial Chupacabra specimen in Cuero, Texas as well as another reportedly identical specimen obtained from a rural, Maryland area were virtually identical and contained roughly 80% human DNA. The second specimen was killed outside the home of a Mary Cheney, and submitted for further examination to the Natural History Museum. Scientists there have tentatively named the apparently new species "Chupacabra Chenensis"

"Amazingly, it does appear that this is a new species altogether," stated a museum scientist. "It is a truly one-of-a-kind cold-blooded mammal which indeed sucks the blood from its prey in order to survive. 80% of the DNA does indeed match up with that identified through the Human Genome Project, and the remainder appears to be a hodgepodge of genes comparable to that of a leech, a vampire bat, and an ordinary dog. On autopsy, there are high concentrations of melanin throughout the tissues of the internal organs, imparting a dark pigmentation throughout. The heart itself appears blacker than crude oil."

Scientists insisted that there were very minimal differences between the specimen found in Maryland and that being examined from Cuero, Texas. The Texas specimen has been tentatively named "Chupacabra Walkerii".

"Undoubtedly these things have caused a lot of misery and great fear and damage to people and their livelihoods," stated the museum spokesperson, "but it's clear that they don't really present much of a threat anymore. I would urge people to take consolation in the fact that they appear to have a very short lifespan, something on the order of six to eight years. They appear to be undergoing real problems with environmental stressors leading to some gender confusion issues and resulting in unproductive coupling. They are actually quite pathetic and weak, and easily dealt with when exposed to the light of day."

Story courtesy of: http://www.dudehisattva.com/

[OzarkDem]

1. Dudehisattva - great web site

Thanks for the link!

[HCE SuiGeneris]

2. Very funny and creative mind there...

always something new to get me to laugh. :hi:

[Oilwellian]

3. ROFL

Very very funny. Didn't they determine the "creature" found was a coyote? Poor thing...animals without their hair look so different.

[EFerrari]

4. LOL!

:rofl:

[petronius]

5. The only "partially human" thing about Cheney would be his stomach contents...

[Wizard777]

6. Ooookay! That's the first time I've heard Cheney called a goat sucker.

Everyone goes with roosters.

[nadinbrzezinski]

7. On a serious note, not a reliable site

[HCE SuiGeneris]

8. Care to elaborate?

[nadinbrzezinski]

10. If this was the case, don't you think the research would be on the

cover of Science? Or Nature?

I read the article and it raised way too many question about the site. I do believe we have yet to discover many species around this planet. This includes this critter... but if it has 80% human DNA... where did it deviate from Humans? And that is but one question.

[HCE SuiGeneris]

11. This is a purely fictional article taking pot shots at the evil Dick.

When I was asking for clarification, I thought that you were aware of malicious code or scripting from the site...

[Snarkturian Clone]

9. My kingdom for proper use of commas. NT

[lapislzi]

12. Celebrity Death Match: Chupacabra vs Bat Boy

I'll give you 5/2 on Bat Boy.