I rewrote this conservative e-mail joke from an earlier post

[Kokonoe]

From this

A Condensed Version of History

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/
gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would
go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BB Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the
Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it
will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more
liberals...just to piss them off.

Have a great day





TO THIS

A Condensed Version of History

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed
version.


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/
gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would
go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days sewing the ground with grains for the brewery while
others believed the seeds were alive and should be eaten now. This was the
beginning of what is known as the liberal movement.


Other men who were dumber and less skilled at brewing learned to live off
the liberals by showing up for the nightly beer fest and doing all the
drinking, pissing, and sleeping. This was the beginning of the conservative
movement.

Some of these liberal men & woman eventually evolved into leaders. The rest could
not compete with larger brains and called themselves He-men.

Some noteworthy conservative achievements include the domestication
of cockfighting, the invention of group antisocials and apartheid, the hyper
magnification of Hollywood actors, and the concept of Conservatives deciding
to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that is provided.

Over the years, Liberals came to be symbolized by the most helpful yet
stubborn land animal on earth, the jackass. Conservatives are symbolized by
the hard to hide but impossible not to notice elephant in the room.

Modern conservatives like imported goods(with white wine), but most prefer
white labor or imported slave labor. They eat rare steak but like their
fish well done. Sausage, lard, and fried food are standard conservative fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have
lower testosterone levels than their men. Most child beaters, personal
injury defendants, journalists, Hollywood hypers and anti-social groups
are conservatives. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't sensible to make the pitcher bat when a hitter wins the game.

Conservatives drink imported vodka. They sneak around with boys and still
lie to their women. Liberals are large company employees, workers,farmers,
harvesters, construction workers, firemen, medical employees, police
officers, corporate managers,athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works to save lives. Conservatives who own companies hire liberals
who need to work for the man that robbed their parents.

Conservatives produce little or nothing. They lie to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Conservatives fear Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. Liberals were happy at last when conservatives crept
into America. Liberals won the Wild West convincing conservatives to put down
their guns to grow grains for the brewery.


Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a Conservative may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it. A liberal will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it
will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more
conservatives...just to piss them off.



Have a great day