This Valentine's Day, be sure to avoid these highly unpleasant gifts

[n2doc]

I am, as always, here to help. This Valentine's Day, be sure to avoid these highly unpleasant gifts. Hey, you want to find love and have sex, right? I mean, someday? OK then.

1) Copy of $3.1 trillion Bush budget.

Do not tell that special someone you love them by gutting arts funding in schools, mental health services, Medicare and Medicaid and programs that bring low-income kids to Washington as you create record deficits and humiliate the nation once again, all in an effort to offset a massive increase in Pentagon spending and to fight horrible, unwinnable wars and to appease your dad. Reminder: Dick Cheney reads this instead of Hustler.

2) Hello Kitty contact lenses.
Suitable only for compulsive scab-pickers and those who willingly snort anything that comes from the paint-stripper aisle of the hardware store, and/or those who dream of what it will be like to one day live among the feral cats in Golden Gate Park, licking your rancid fur and humping park benches and moaning at the moon like Amy Winehouse at a court hearing. If you do stick these creepy suckers in your eyes, please walk casually into the psych ward of any decent hospital in the nation. They will admit you immediately.

3) 14-karat gold heart pendant with diamonds from Zales at the mall.

I must've been about 15 or so, had an older girlfriend on whom I took a giant dangerous risk and spent a whopping $79 on one of these beauties, which was a ton of dough but who cares because dude I loved her and it had diamonds, I mean diamonds, so my love must've been serious, even though I was 15 and knew as much about romance and beautiful jewelry as a rock knows about spun sugar. "American Idol" contestants, small-town junior-high girls with names like Jen-Jen and Courtney who work the drive-through at KFC and the Bush twins simply love jewelry like this, right along with unicorns and pink wine and Colbie Caillat. Also worn by assorted meth addicts and soccer moms who married far too young and who still reminisce about being a second-string cheerleader in 1987. Also, monkeys.
more:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2008/02/13/notes021308.DTL

[Arctic Dave]

1. Wow

That was brutal.x( Now I'm going to have to go shopping again.